the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Two Birthdays and Blogiversary

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Neil is asleep in bed. 

Neil’s Penis:  Neil, Neil, get up already.

Neil:  I’m sleeping.

Neil’s Penis:  Time to get up.  Don’t you know what today is?  It’s our birthday!

Neil:  Happy birthday, Penis.

Neil’s Penis:   You too, Neilochka.  We’ve certainly been together a long time.  I even consider you a friend.

Neil:  Wow, Penis, I didn’t figure you to be the sentimental type.

Neil’s Penis:   Sentimental?   Bullshit.  I sometimes wish I was attached to someone else.  Someone who actually fucked a woman a little more often.

Neil:  I love you, too.

Neil’s Penis:   Aw, shit.  You see right through me, don’t you?  You’ll always be my best friend. 

Neil:  Thanks, pal.

Neil’s Penis:  Just try to work with me more, like a partnership.

Neil:  What do you mean?

Neil’s Penis:   Are you a numskull, Neil? 

Neil:  You don’t have to get nasty.

Neil’s Penis:  Let me see if I can explain this to you so you can understand.  Imagine all you ever eat is pizza.    All you want every minute of the day is pizza.  And everywhere, 51% of the population is walking around with pizza.  Beautiful pizzas. some with mushrooms, some with anchovies, some with green peppers.  And all you can think about is all that pizza, with all that cheese and spicy tomato sauce, and the pizza dough that’s cooked to perfection.  You getting it now?

Neil:  Not really.

Neil’s Penis:   Get me some fucking pizza!

The doorbell RINGS.

Neil’s Penis:   That better be Domino’s!

Neil:  Do you really want pizza?

Neil’s Penis:  It’s a euphemism, moron!  A euphemism for some pussy! 

Neil:  Oh!

Neil opens the door.  It is Sophia and Neil’s mother.

Neil:  Mom?  Sophia?  What are you doing here?

Neil’s Penis:   Aw, jeez, your mother is here.   Talk about a mood-killer…

Sophia:  We wouldn’t miss your birthday, Neilochka. 

Neil’s Mother:  Look at you.  All grown up.  A real mensch. 

Sophia:  And we brought you a birthday cake.  It’s giant pink Hostess Sno Ball.

Neil’s Penis:   Oh great.  How about giving him a hostess with real giant pink Sno balls….

Neil:  Huh?

Neil’s Penis:  Tits, you imbecile!  It’s another euphemism… for a woman with a nice pair of tits that you can just…

Neil’s Mother:  Neil, are you still talking to that "thing" on your blodge?

Neil’s Penis:   Penis, Elaine!  Penis!  I have a name!

Neil’s Mother:  Who’s that talking?  Do I hear someone else talking?

Neil:  Uh, it’s the TV.  "American Idol."

Sophia:  No more TV watching today.  We’re taking you out for you birthday.

Neil:  I’m not in a very celebratory mood. 

Sophia:  C’mon, it’s your birthday!

Neil:  It just hasn’t been a great year.  Things are still unresolved with us.  I’m still looking for a good job.  I just found out I may be kicked out of my apartment for illegally subletting it.  And the saddest thing, of course — Dad passing away in September. 

Sophia:  Yeah, we all miss him.

Neil’s Mother:  Especially me.

Neil:  This is my first ever birthday without him around.  When I moved to Los Angeles, he was always the first one to call me up — always seven in the morning LA time because he couldn’t wait any longer to sing "Happy Birthday."  He always made such a big deal over my birthday.

Neil’s Mother:  It certainly hasn’t been a good year for any of us.  

Sophia:  But you’re forgetting one good thing about this year. 

Neil:  What’s that?

The doorbell RINGS again.   Ther are a few hundred bloggers standing outside.  It’s every single blogger Neil has interacted with this year, from Akaky to Xtessa.   

Sophia:  It was exactly one year ago — on your birthday, that you set up your WordPress template.  And you published your first post on March 8th.    Here’s what you wrote:

"What’s on my mind this evening — the night of my first post?   It’s the future.   My future. 

I see it so clearly.

I’m a very spry 100 year old man, thanks to medical advances and the ability of the medical establishment to take chances with modern patient care.  Who knew that the diet supplement Trimspa would end up eradicating most illnesses from the world?  

I’m in my home of the future.  My grandson, Bar Code #466408736664, sits at my side, browsing the internet in eye-scan mode  (using the latest upgraded Intel mini-chip in his brain — the PC having disappeared decades earlier)..  Suddenly, he tells me that he’s at the Coca-Cola digi-Archives site (formerly the Library of Congress) and viewing this very first post that you are currently reading.

At that moment, I will be an old man remembering the early days of the Internet.  The 56K modem.  Netscape.  Those AOL disks falling out of every magazine.  That first illegal MP3.  That first post on the blog.

"Grandpa," #466 says with a twinkle in his eye.  "Man, grandpa, this post really sucks."

And just then, I realize that it isn’t a twinkle in his eye, but a reaction to one of those synthetic drugs he’s been taking at school.   I laugh, remembering how I was drunk while writing that first post.  

"He’d grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.""

Neil:  Wow.  I did forget that. 

Neil’s Mother:  I think your blodge really helped you going all year.  I know it helped me, except when you write about that "thing."  I can do without that.

Neil’s Penis:  (Robert De Niro voice)   You talkin’ to me? 

Neil:  You know — originally I was going to wrte about movies and TV, but then I saw how Hilary wrote about her dating life.  So, I started writing about Sophia.    And I saw how Pauly would write every single day, so I was inspired to do the same.   I was encouraged by the support of 2 Blowhards and Nick Douglas at Blogebrity, now at Valleyrag.  And I began to look forward to blogging every day.  Especially when I had the help of Sophia, editing me and telling me when a post was too shitty to post.  And when I needed comfort, like when my father passed away, I got it not only from Sophia, but from bloggers themselves — strangers who weren’t really strangers anymore.   And during this year, I’ve made some great friends.

Neil’s Penis:  If you had some balls, you could have had some action, too. 

Neil:  And what about now?

Neil’s Penis:  Now it’s too late.  Six months ago, female bloggers might have slept with you .  Now you’re like the gay cousin who they talk about shoes with.  

Neil:  Damn it.  I knew I should have made the move on ****** when I had the chance.

Neil’s Mother:  I think you and Sophia need to sit down, discuss things about your marriage, like two adults, and get back together.

Sophia:  I think you need to stop writing about me without asking my permission first.   Or if you do, at least start giving me some good lines.

Neil’s Penis:   I think you need to get laid.  And soon.  And your best shot right now is with —  Tatyana.  She seems to get turned on by liberals.  I think she’s married, but I think if you buy her some expensive flowers, not the cheap ones you usually get for Sophia —

Man’s Voice:  I think your blog is just fine!

Everyone turns around towards the open window.  It is the Spirit of Neil’s Father — Arthur Kramer himself.

Neil:  Dad?  You’re here!

Neil’s Father:  Of course I am.  I wouldn’t miss your birthday.  Even if I am in heaven.

Neil:  This makes me so happy.  Hey, everyone.  This is my father.

All the bloggers greet my father.

Neil’s Father:  Taking care of my boy, Sophia?

Sophia:  I promised, didn’t I?

Neil’s Father:  Hello, Elaine.

Neil’s Mother:  Hi, Artie.

Neil’s Father:  I hear you’re going to put "Be of Good Cheer" on the stone.

Neil’s Mother:  You like it?

Neil’s Father:  Very much.  Is it possible to have it play the theme from "Gunga Din" every time someone approaches the plot?

Neil’s Mother:  That’s just ridiculous.

Neil’s Father:  I think it would be funny.

Neil’s Mother:  No.

Neil’s Father:  Just like a woman.  Even when I’m dead, I still can’t get what I want.

Neil:  So, Dad, how’s it going up there?

Neil’s Father:  Eh… surviving.  It’s comfortable.  Relaxing.   Good entertainment at night.  It’s a little bit like how Grossinger’s used to be in the Catskills.  The food is good.  But I don’t like the way they cut the corn beef.  It’s too thick —

Neil:  Yeah, you never liked it like that —

Neil’s Father:  You’d think in heaven they can do better, but frankly Pastrami King on Queens Boulevard made a better corned beef sandwich than they do in heaven —

Sophia:  So, Dad, can you explain to us how heaven works?   I’ve always been curious.

Neil:  Yeah, do you watch me all the time from above?

Neil’s Father:  No, no, no.  That’s only in the movies.  But don’t worry, Neil.  I follow everything about your life.

Neil:  How?

Neil’s Father:  I read your blog.  Everyone reads "Citizen of the Month" up here in heaven.

Neil:  They do?

Neil’s Father:  Oh, we love it.  A few days ago, we were all laughing so hard!

Neil:  You mean people in heaven really appreciate my sense of humor?

Neil’s Father:  Not really.  We were laughing at you because you still wear those tighty-whiteys.   Even in heaven, no one would be caught dead wearing those.  In heaven, we all wear boxer-briefs with microfiber material.   C’mon, son, get with it!   Stop embarrassing me in heaven with this mama’s boy underwear!

Thank you all for one year of great blogging.  

Be of good cheer… until tomorrow…

cast2_1.jpg

NEIL

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SOPHIA

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MOM AND DAD

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NEIL’S PENIS

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77 Comments

  1. Sophia

    Happy Birthday, Neilochka!

  2. anne

    Happy birthday and anniversary, Neil! To many more years and many more posts!

  3. ams

    Happy happy birthday and blogversary! Have a good one!

  4. The Retropolitan

    I don’t know if that was sweet or dirty. But happy birthday, Neil!

  5. better safe than sorry

    happy birthday and congrats on your one year!
    i haven’t been reading for the full year, but for the short time i have been reading, it’s been great.

  6. Pearl

    Neil, happy birthday. Happy blogiversary.

    What a great synthesis of fantasy and reality…I guess those two words pretty much sum up your life.

    (I also think you’ve got some good material there for a screenplay…consult with my friend in the next day or two!)

  7. The Girl

    Nice one mate. Well done.

    Here’s to the next year.

    Keep it up. The good writing, that is.

  8. Michele

    Happy Birthday and thanks for including us in the cast of characters.

  9. jenny

    NEIL! Happy birthday/anniversary!

    Great pictures! And… could you look any more like your mom? Oy, with the cheeks, you two! (did I sound Jewish at all there? I’m really trying, you know.)

  10. brandon

    happy days, neil!

  11. Wendy

    Happy Birthday Neil and happy blogiversary – glad for us that you entered the blogosphere so we can all enjoy that humor (and slight perversion) we’ve come to love…

  12. estee

    happy happy neil! to you and your blog.
    x

  13. ekramer

    happy birthday and many more. love

  14. Elisabeth

    A very happy birthday and blog anniversary, Neil. Keep up the very good work. Visiting your blog and reading your prose is a highlight of my daily routine.

  15. Miz Liz

    Happy Birthday/Blog-ani-versary Neil! I’m relatively new to your blog but enjoying every word! Keep ’em coming..

  16. mariemm3

    HAPPPPPYYYY BIRTHDAY Neil!.

    With another year behind, I wish you a good year ahead.

  17. Needra

    you know it’s going to be a good day…. when Neil starts off by talking to his ‘friend’
    Happy Birthday Neil… hugs and kisses

  18. Margaret

    Happy Birthday Neil!
    Happy Birthday Neil’s Penis! (Penis, I don’t think of Neil as a gay cousin, stay positive)

    Thank you for entertaining me, cheers to another great year!

  19. M.A.

    Happiest of birthdays and a happy blogoversary to you.

  20. Marisa

    Happy Birthday Neil! I hope the coming year is full of all good things for you!

  21. cruisin-mom

    Neil, Happy birthday, happy anniversary. Your post made me laugh and cry. And I can’t believe it…I’ve seen your penis before!

  22. modigli

    Oh my gosh, what a fantastic post! You made me laugh, you made me cry, it was sweet, and touching, and hilarious, and well, everything all wrapped up into one! Thanks for posting the pictures for all your blog friends to see. I loved seeing your family, and uh .. you’re penis, too.

    Happy Birthday, Neil!!!

    PS. so, does that make your penis a pisces, too? Maybe, just maybe, your penis is whatever sign that gets along with Sophia’s sign!

  23. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T )

    Neil~

    Happy Birthday and Bloggiversary to you, friend! I hope your day is filled with laughter and smiles. The same way you have given all your readers laughter and smiles over the past year.

    My Best to you,

    3T

  24. Pauly D

    Great accomplishment, Neil! Congrats!

  25. sara lee

    Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear Neil, Happy Birthday to you!!!

    (In my family you have to sing to your loved ones!)

  26. Tatyana

    So does this mean I’m getting expensive flowers on YOUR birthday?

    Have a great one, both of you.

  27. Danny

    Wow, this is the perfect birthday/anniversary post. Starting out completely deranged and then hitting us with such poignancy that our laughter turns to tears. I DO believe your dad is reading your blog in heaven (and complaining about the corned beef). And through it all, you never stop hitting on your adoring female readers while still proving with every keystroke how much you love Sophia. Bravo, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

  28. Edgy Mama

    Happy birthday and blogaversary to you, Neilochka! And happy birthday, Neil’s penis. May you both get laid soon.

  29. ms. sizzle

    Happy Birthday! 🙂

  30. akaky

    A very happy birthday and many returns of the day, Neil…wow, I’ve never been to LA, it’s amazing how much it looks just like upstate New York…oh, that is upstate New York out there. Sorry, my mistake. I wonder how come I can’t get intelligent conversation like this out of my penis. I know that it didnt pass the eighth grade or anything, but its constant need to discuss the Marxist symbolism in Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby or Faulkner’s Yoknapatawpha County as a metaphor for the human condition gets damn annoying when I’m trying to think about sex.

  31. Kevin

    Your penis was sculpted in stone!?! Wow! What an honor!

    Happy B-day, Neilochka! Make it a good one.

  32. akaky

    Neil, somehow or other I dont think that statue is Jewish.

  33. Leesa

    Happy Birthday & Anniversary, Neil 🙂 Loved this post.

  34. anne arkham

    Happy Birthday, you guys, and Happy Blodgeiversary.

  35. Celina

    Happy Birthday! Happy Blogiversary! You are so Awesome!

  36. Bre

    Happy Birthday!

  37. Tracy Lynn

    Many happy returns of the day, Neil. And may the next year bring you blessings as well.

  38. Bill

    Happy birthday – great post. I started reading it and began thinking, “Damn … it’s one of those long posts. Don’t bloggers know I’m supposed to be working and these people I work with keep e-mailing me for things and … Damn! It’s a good post! And it’s got the talking penis. I can’t just scan through it and grab the highlights. I have to read it now … geez …”

    Anyway … It was like a good episode of Star Trek. All the characters were there. And your father was like Captain Kirk making a guest appearance in The Next Generation – sort of like their first movie.

    Again … happy birthday – hope it’s a great day!

  39. i ended up here... how?

    happy birthday neil!

    your post made me cry.

  40. Pants

    Happy Birthday wishes to you and your penis!!

  41. chantel

    Happy Birthday, and congratulations, best wishes for another year.
    Sophia is a hottie, you should definitely try and get some.

    🙂

  42. ashbloem

    This post is wonderful! (of course)

    Happy birthday, dear Neil!

  43. lizriz

    Happy B

    🙂

  44. Dagny

    Awwww. Happy birthday!

  45. Alissa

    Happy BirthBlogVersary….

  46. claire

    Congrats on a year of entertaining blogging. Have a molto groovy birthday!

  47. Nance

    Happy Birthday, Neil! Can you believe I counted the asterisks to see who you could have made the move on when you had the chance? Dammit! One too many for “Nance”! LOL! Hope you enjoy your day as much as we enjoy your blodge.

  48. Megan

    Only you could make me cry on your birthday. This post represents exactly what I think of you: someone who is hilariously funny, witty, dorky (which is hot), and sentimental, all wrapped into a tight pair of boxer briefs. Thank you for sharing your life with us. May you have many more years to come, both with your blog and wonderful birthdays.

  49. Jacynth

    Happy Birthday, Neil! I always enjoy your blogs. They make me feel like every day is my birthday!

  50. Tanya

    This post made me uncomfortable. Happy birthday.

    Sorry about your dad.

  51. Lushy

    Happy Birthday, Neil. Hope this year is your best, yet!

  52. maribeth

    Happy birthday to you and your best friend!

  53. Jaclyn

    Happy Birthday/Anniversary! Keep it up!

  54. james manning

    Happy birthday, kid. Sorry to hear about you dad – be in good spirit, life is still beautiful.

  55. TWM

    Happy Birthday, Neil.

  56. Sandra

    Happy birthday, Neil! Can’t imagine the blogmunity without you!

  57. Jeremy

    Happy friggin Bday man! Best wishes from the Blogebrity team!

  58. Elvira Black

    Happy birthday, Neil–to you, your blog, and your awesome talking penis.

  59. communicatrix

    Happy birthday, Neil’s penis. Please back off of Neil a little on his special day. After all, it’s not like he hasn’t made you a celebrity!

  60. bella

    Happy Birthday Neil! Be of good cheer, and keep sharing.

  61. Nancy

    happy birthday! (to you both)

  62. ChickyBabe

    Happy Birthday! Happy Blogaversary! Happy candle blowing!

  63. Fitèna

    Neil, Happy Birthday! And Happy “blodging” anniverssary!
    Thank you for sharing so much with us, for the laughter, for the tears, for the poignan posts, for being you so true…
    Thank you… and kick your ass I’ll surely do – it’ll mean that we got to meet someday, someplace…

    Fitèna

  64. helen

    Happy Birthday! Happy Blogaversary!

    I’m so glad your sense of humor just got better with time!! LOL

    Happy Birthday Penis! All the best to you and may Neil treat u well.

  65. Lynn

    That’s what happens when you masturbate, Neil. Your fingers fall off.

  66. Hyperion

    “Happy Candle Blowing” ???

    Now that just sounds….waxy

  67. xtessa

    LMAO! happy birthday, neil! to you and your penis.;)

  68. Mine is a Gin

    Happy Birthday, Neil, to you, your penis and your blodge! May you all have many more.
    Ginny x

  69. Tuck

    Man, this could be the dream sequence of Fiddler on the Roof, part 2. Happy Birthday!

  70. Scarlet

    Hahhaa…Happy Birth/Blog-day!

  71. AWE

    Happy birthday and anniversary. Try to get a grip on the penis so he will calm down.

  72. Trix

    Happy Birthday, Neil & Penis. Sorry, I’m a day late & dollar short…but it doesn’t mean I love you any less! It just means my car got towed.

  73. Jewels

    Happy Birthday! Sorry I am late but better late than never, right 🙂

  74. Neil

    And thanks everyone for making blogging so much fun.

  75. Mik

    Birthday wishes, now go get that penis some action and make hima happy chappy.

    Mik

  76. Jill

    Hope you had a great birthday, Neil. And congrats on your blogging milestone. And I hope you get some pizza.

  77. Charming, but single

    I don’t read my blogs for a week and I miss important birthday/blogiversary things! Congrats!

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