During the summer, my father passed away. My father’s funeral was very beautiful and dignified. But I was disappointed. I don’t think it captured my father’s quirky personality. Don’t get me wrong. Everything went perfect. Everyone was moved. It just seemed more for the guests than my father.
After someone dies, everything is very chaotic. There’s people to call. Arrangements to make. The person who died can get lost in the shuffle.
Jewish comedians always make fun of bar mitzvahs, saying that American kids treat them like jokes. Kids make elaborate parties for their bar mitzvahs, some with crass themes, like baseball teams or Star Trek. I used to mock these parties myself, but my view is changing. At least these kids throw a party that reflects themselves. Why are funerals always so drab. Why aren’t there any funerals with exotic themes?
I know this sounds a bit tasteless. But my father loved the movie "Lawrence of Arabia." Wouldn’t it be have been cool to have decorated the funeral home like a Arab sheik’s home? Or an oasis in the Sahara desert? I’m sure many of the guests would find it tacky and uncomfortable. But who cares? My father would have loved it!
In the Jewish religion, you don’t put up the stone until a year after the death. Today, my mother called me at home:
"On the way home from work, I bought your father’s stone."
"You did? It’s only been five months."
"Well, I was in Flushing and I was passing the store.
"You never can wait, can you?
"It’s going to be a very nice one. "Kramer" in the middle, and then, "Devoted husband, father, and brother.""
"That’s all?"
"What do you want it to say?"
"I don’t know. It’s just so… bleh. It’s like me writing a post that says "Have a Nice Day.""
"We’re not talking about your blodge on the computer. We’re talking about a stone in a cemetery."
"How about at least, "Devoted husband, excellent father, and really cool brother?" I think we can up up with something better for Dad."
"You’re the writer. You think about it."
I met Sophia at the Coffee Bean. We sat down to think. Within thirty seconds, we came up with the exact same solution:
"Be of Good Cheer!"
Be of Good Cheer. For some reason, my father always ended every phone conversation with that bizarre saying. I have no idea where he got it from. I’ve never heard anyone else say it. It also sounded very 19th Century, like something Sherlock Holmes might say to Dr. Watson. Maybe my father first heard it in an old movie as a child.
Arthur Kramer, devoted husband, father, and brother. Be of Good Cheer.
So far, we haven’t sold the idea to my mother.
I know this is a depressing thought, but should we all start thinking about our funerals? Do you want a traditional ceremony? Or something exotic? Do you care what is written on your stone? Would you like a certain song to be played?
I always liked "American Pie" from Don McLean:
They were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die."
Mom Kramer…your gentle husband, who just wanted people to be happy, will be remembered for that. What a wonderful tribute you and Neil are giving him.
Apparently artist Josh Kirby had Monty Python’s “The Galaxy Song” played at his funeral. That’s the best idea for funeral music I’ve heard.
P.S. “Be of Good Cheer” was a good choice.
Be of Good Cheer is wonderful. I’m glad your mom agrees.
i think of this all the time. i have a top 20 list of funeral wishes. i rotate their level of importance on a usual basis. right now, i’m back to my 17 year old funeral wish that is to have the love of my life carry a 1984 style boom box down to the front of the proceedings, which will be playing “wave of mutilation” (uk version)and just stand there in awe, like I can’t believe this is happening, she was so pretty and so young. In this particular situation, the love of my life is the perfect blend of Christian Slater in Pump Up the Volume and Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke.
“American Pie” is one of my favorites too – but “Be of Good Cheer” would make a great epitaph.
This has been really fun to read! I love “Be of good cheer.” It will make everyone who passes think what a nice person your father must have been.
On D’s headstone we are going to put his favorite saying: “I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.”
I want one of those haunted-house tombstones that falls sideways with time and is so crusted with moss you can barely read the R.I.P.
After my Dad’s funeral we had a party. We had a memory table filled with things he loved– his bible,hot banana peppers,his favorite red bandana, diet coke, Mail Pouch,photos…and we played music by Elvis and Rod Stewart–his favorites( yes dad was a country boy, a WV coal-mining, country boy) and he was a minister. His message was always–love, laugh, and life’s simple pleasures are the best. The food, music, everything was soo dad, we half expected him to walk through the door and break out in his Elvis impersonation–it was truly a celebration of him. As the people left, they remarked what a wonderful time they had…Be of Good Cheer-Perfect! Your dad must’ve been as special as mine……..what do I want them to say at my funeral? “I think she moved!”
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Your father always ended his phone calls to me with “Be of Good Cheer.” I don’t know where he got that, but I remember people did say that many years ago. Didn’t Cary Grant say that in an early movie? That phrase would be good on the stone, and he was a really cool brother. “Quirky” doesn’t begin to capture his unique view and ideas on life. You couldn’t put “the corned beef isn’t thin enough” on the stone although he always said that too. As for the music, although Gunga Din is ok, maybe something more dramatic like the music from Lawrence of Arabia he would like. Then there is the expensive problem of solar energy or batteries to keep it going. I don’t know but I think the Lubavitch at Old Montefiore had some audio thing hooked up for the rebbe’s grave. Maybe you can check with them. So now you know why you should not pay $14.00 for a pair of briefs. This thing is going to cost money continuously. Maybe you should wait till the technology comes down in price…a year or so.
The other phrase your dad liked was “You’re a better man than I am Gunga Din,” but I don’t know I’d go for that. “Be of Good Cheer” has more universal appeal and it’s timeless. What should I put on my stone? “If something can go wrong it will” “I Miss My Cats” “Mad Milton” “Mr. Negative” or “There Was No Good Bread in California.” The last is certainly a truth that will identify me as a person of taste to those of like mind. They’ll pass by and say, “yeah this guy really knew what he was talking about…” I’d get respect. But only NY people in CA would appreciate that. I thought about being cremated and spreading myself around…multiple opportunities for comments…in Queens next to my mother the stone will say, “Proud to be a Jewish Mama’s Boy.” Neil you missed the good old days when your father and I grew up before WWII with a Yiddish speaking grandmother from Russia, our mom, and our aunt. Uncle in Spain, so we got all the attention. The corned beef was always thin enough and the bread! I don’t know what’s wrong with being a mama’s boy…you just add the wife and have two “mamas” to take care of you. You should be proud. Let them make the decisions. They know what is best for you. BTW Neil, on your stone please don’t talk about “that thing,” it would kill your mother. You definitely get that from the Kramer side, but the rest of this bludge meshuganah…I don’t know maybe from the mother’s side? Well, I enjoy the bludge, you’re a talented guy, but keep “that thing” under wraps in the boxers if you can. Keep the mystery and bring it out when it can do you some real good. You know, the surprise element, they all know it’s there, don’t wear it out for nothing.
Uncle Miltie — So nice to have you read my blog! You’re absolutely right about “Lawrence of Arabia.” Your brother loved the music to that film. But he did have some weird attraction to Gunga Din. Maybe he related to the main character and how he sacrificed himself for the good of all. Where he learnt to say “Be of Good Cheer” is a mystery that may never be solved because I never heard anyone else in the family ever say it.
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Well, I’m picking up a thread that has long since been said good by to but here I am, posting on my two cents even though I know its no longer necessary. I found your post because of a strange series of events. (Isn’t that how most things are discovered on the internet?!??!)
I was doing my normal nightly multi-task of watching tv and being on the ol’ computer when on the show “Duel” they asked the question of what was on Sinatra’s headstone. So, naturally, I did a quick search… which yielded your post since one of the first commenters mentioned it.
So, even though your Dad’s very fitting epitaph has been confirmed to be a go, I thought I’d say I love it! I love it because it makes sense. It makes sense because it was your Dad and that’s what most people would want, to represent their own personality. I know when I’ve been to a cemetery and have come across something written on a marker that is different, funny or interesting, I always thing, “Gee, I wish I could have met that person, in person.”
And in answer to your question… after a Google search… I liked “See You Soon.” Although now that I write this, maybe I would put, “Look for me on Google.”
Hope life is treating you well!
Because of my anxiety disorder, I’ve learned to ignore all kinds of “symptoms” that feel life-threatening but are really just caused by stress. So, my kids and I have teased that what will probably go on my tombstone will be: “She thought it was a panic attack”