the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

You Hate Me, You Really Really Hate Me!

For a writer to be parodied and mocked is one of the greatest honors.  Or is it?  Although it’s not much of a parody if I’ve already said most of these things about myself. 

This is a post from Douchebrity, an actual new site:

God, I’m So Fucking Brilliant

I was so excited when the folks from Douchebrity asked me to write for them this morning. I thought to myself:

“Now here’s a great opportunity to try and pump my stats and link back to myself constantly”

You see, I spend ALL day refreshing my statcounter. As a matter of fact, my imaginary Ex-Wife that I made up so people wouldn’t think I was a complete loser, has tried to pry my swollen fingers away from the F5 button, to no avail. I can even find it in dark. Cause I like to turn off the lights and look at hot blogging chicks and pretend they might actually be interested in me.

The other day, while my mom was making me noodle koogle, I thought to myself:

“Thank god my female readers don’t look into my archives or else they’d find out the truth about my appearance. Then they’d laugh at me when I try to talk sexy with them in the comment section. Or when I ask to be nominated for the World’s Sexiest Blogger. Or stop cyber-sexing me on AIM. And who are we kidding, that’s the only action I get.”

But that’s what it takes to be a problogger. Technorati’s my real bitch…links, links, links. Say it slowly with me now (hold on while I get out my astroglide) OH YEAH LINKS, OH OH OH PLEASE MORE LINNNNNNKS.

Holy Kishkas, that was good.

by NCramer | No Comments | tags: Penis Envy

Today on Blogebrity:  Personal Blog-a-ramaKris’ Best of 2005, The Carnival of the Mundane


  1. Leesa

    This is great! Hope for your sake it was a SHE too 🙂

  2. modigli

    Wow, this experience must be a very close second to actually having a skit written about you on Saturday Night Live.

    Hey, that would be kind of funny to see a Sat. Night Live skit about bloggers, wouldn’t it?!

  3. Michael

    I know not of any of these things you speak: blogcelebrity and the f5 button… but holy kishkas has now become my new inerjection. It shows excitement and emotion, hallelujah.

  4. Dave2

    What’s a Douch? And how do you pronounce it? DOOCH-ebrity?

  5. Brooke

    Neil – I would never attach my name to anything with the word “douche” in it. Nor would I ever be so desperate for attention that I would attack another blogger for no reason except to bring attention to my own blog.

    You should feel flattered that of all the bloggers in the world, this douche chose you to emulate! On his best day, he isn’t fit to wipe your monitor.

  6. Karla

    Man, that’s some funny stuff. I wish that person would just follow me around all day reinterpreting the things I say. I think I’m in love.

  7. Neil

    You know, I’ve been on the PC for decades, and had no idea until today that F5 is Refresh.

  8. Wendy

    They got noodle koogle and kishkas in the same post – hilarity!

  9. He's Dead, Jim!

    Outstanding! I wish it had been me! But I know that “kugel” is not spelled like “Google.” Unless there is a new search site where you can find cool Jewish bloggers?

  10. Elvira Black

    Oh, Neil. what a trickster. It’s on “their” website, but you knew that, I’m sure!

    Note to your spam block software: I hope you don’t think I’m still a spam. I will cry.

  11. Neil

    My apologies to those having trouble commenting. My spam blocker is going crazy today. Apparently, it thinks I’m a douche also.

    And you’re right, He’s Dead Jim, at least we know it isn’t someone Jewish, because no self-respecting Jew would spell kugel as koogle.

  12. Leesa

    I get the same spam comments too. I feel better knowing it wasn’t just me 🙂

  13. Brooke

    This douche must be very popular. I am getting tons of hits from the site! I didn’t even realize he had actually linked me. Thanks douche!

  14. anne arkham

    That’s impressive. Congrats, Neil.

  15. Laura

    Hmm. I never knew that the F5 key was the refresh key either, but then again, I thought that hot ~wings~ were really just teeny drumsticks…I blogged that back in August. Aaah..a moment of blonde.
    And when you say, “Technorati” you have to say it like Cartman says “Authority”. I do. Go ahead…try it…YOU WILL RESPECT MY TECHNORATI!

  16. Megan

    Who woulda thought someone named “Douche” would finally be the one to bring Neil and Brooke together. It’s the stuff fairy tales are made of.

  17. HighMaintenanceHussy

    Wow. Harsh. Yet also strangely flattering. Yeah, I’d probably be flattered. But I’m needy like that.

  18. JJ

    What Brooke said.

  19. Melissa

    NEWSFLASH: This just in…

    Roving bands of assholes attempt to take over the net…

  20. M.A.

    You’re famous now.

  21. DawnKelly

    Rest contented that you take up soooo much of said Douche’s little mind—–you have infiltrated it like a wood worm.


  22. pia

    There’s a new search site where you can find cool Jewish bloggers? Might actually write that

    I was going to give up blogging yesterday. Not because of my politics or the religion I would die for the right not to practice

    But because of somebody who thinks I’m a rich girl who has never taken the subway. Apparently only rich girls who don’t take the subway can afford to blog.

    She said more, selectively read my archives and probably went into my whosis, and used an Israeli name that’s probably false. It felt skeevy.

    Then I realized how absurd it was, and how jealous she sounded. So maybe I’m doing something right

  23. Armaedes

    I think it might not be the best way to go to make up an ex-wife to NOT look like a loser. Soon he’s going to end up on a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river.

  24. Neil

    Armaedes — that’s very true. That’s too loser-ville. My bad. In 2006, I rewrite my blog and change Sophia from a Russian interpreter/separated wife who argues with me all the time to a blond USC cheerleader/geisha girl.

  25. [Jack of all Blogs]

    […] Everyone will quit asking me if I am involved with Douchebrity. *Douche sucks. Blogebrity sucks. They are both fags. Fucking fags. I blog about shit in such a middle school way. They blog about shit in such a preschool way. Get a life both of you. Seriously does anyone care about Neil Kramer? Whoever he is. […]

  26. annie

    Columnist Jon Kay wrote about Howard Stern:

    “You can’t get into the First Amendment’s martyr club by being merely obnoxious.”

    Here we go again, folks.

    And, apparently, I’m not the only person who cares about Neil Kramer.

  27. LisaBinDaCity

    Well for what it’s worth, I like you…

  28. lizriz

    The misspell on kugel causes me such pain.

    And, ah, I didn’t really find what they wrote funny. Just mean.

    What Laura wrote about how to say “Technorati,” however, now that was effing funny!!!

  29. Sandra

    That is fantastic! I want someone to mock ME!!

  30. akaky

    And no, I am not Douchebrity. No one has asked me yet, but I am pre-empting the tens of thousands of Neil’s fans who are sure to be asking me this just as soon as they have gotten through everyone else on their list. I am not sure just how long the list is, but Nelson Mandela is 427 places in front of me and the snowball in hell is right behind him, so we must be getting there, slowly but surely.

  31. Danny

    Ouch. I know that such a parody is a form of flattery (and celebrity) but I’d still need a few therapy sessions if that were written about me (and God knows it would be easy to mock me and my blog). On the other hand, you are so talented, sneaky, and self-aware that I have to wonder if you wrote the parody yourself.

    I admit there have been lots of times when I suspected Sophia was a character you invented for the purposes of your blog. But since the real Sophia Lansky is all over the Internet and there’s no way you would’ve made up how great she was after your father died and because she jumps off the screen whenever you write about her and I’m still convinced that I see you two all over Los Angeles, I now believe wholeheartedly in the Neil and Sophia Story, soon to be a major motion picture.

    If Sophia does turn out to be fake, I think I’ll have to be institutionalized. It’s like the end of “Anastasia” where Helen Hayes tells Ingrid Bergman to never tell her if she’s not really her granddaughter, the Grand Duchess Anastasia Romanov, because she just couldn’t take the disappointment.

  32. miss marisol

    Darling, everyone has a blog crush on you. You know that, silly…

  33. Jill

    Wow, Neil. I’m not quite sure what to say about that. I believe Sophia is real, though.

  34. cruisin-mom

    You’re a star on Douchebrity…and that’s a problem, how? Somehow the true meaning of douche has been forgotten…douche helps women feel all flowery…just like you do Neil…now, if I could only get a douche like you to comment on my blog…then I will know my life has meaning.

  35. modigli

    so, did anybody actually figure out the “true identity” of the writer of this post? It sounds like Brooke figured it out, but I have no clue how she did that! how about some clues! 🙂

  36. Nance

    Neil, I find it very telling that the most coherent, cogent writing on that blog is that which parodies YOURS.

  37. JoeC

    Have a lovely, fun and cozy festive weekend there! May there be many many happy returns in this merry season.

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

  38. ashbloem

    Yay! You’ve truly made it! You’ve been parodied!

    I hope you don’t take it seriously. Those guys are douches.

  39. TWM

    They envy you — and that is a good thing — for you. For them is kinda sad, LOL

  40. Bill

    I’ve never heard of Douchebrity so, in my world, who cares? For what it’s worth, I visit blogs for interesting, clever writing and the people writing them. Some blogs are interesting for what they write and some for how they write about it. And some for both. As a general rule, parody isn’t particularly clever or interesting. Just kinda sad.

  41. kristine

    fucking hilarious.

    neil. how the HELL have you managed to gain this following? it’s an oddity worthy of its own sociological study.

    as for this communal group hug, i’m sure you are flattered by this satire. any “repectable” blogger knows that parody is the new flattery.

    happy cha-cha-ka.

  42. psychotoddler

    Congratulations. Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.

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