the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

What Size Dress Would I Wear?


I recently ate in this breakfast place called CJ’s Cafe (5501 Pico Blvd.).   It’s been on this corner for years, but I always passed it and never thought of going inside.  To be honest, the reason I never went in was that it seemed like a black and Latino hangout and wasn’t sure if I would be welcome.    Finally, I said to hell with it.  This is L.A.   They’d be happy to take my money, too.  I went inside, and found myself in a simple, but comfortable cafe.  I really liked the place and I had a great breakfast (an omelette with spicy turkey sausage). 

Today, Sophia was passing by my apartment on the way to a job.  I suggested we try CJ’s together.   We got to the cafe at 7:30 AM when most of the customers were blue-collar guys who worked at the body shops and carpet stores on Pico Blvd. 

Sophia had a meeting later in the day, so she was wearing a new dress that was flowery and tight.  As we walked inside, every guy turned to check her out.   These guys were not shy about it.    These guys ogled her breasts.  As the waitress took us to our table, their eyes followed her ass.   As we sat down, I leaned over and quietly whispered to Sophia:

"Those guys were really checking you out."

"I know," she said, smiling.

I felt jealous — but not of the men looking at Sophia, the woman I shared a bed with for years.   No, if anything — I was jealous of Sophia.   I’ve never had the opportunity of stepping into a room filled with women and have them check me out head to toe.  I have a feeling that even if I looked like Brad Pitt,  it wouldn’t happen.  I know it’s politically incorrect to talk about gender differences, but men and women are wired differently.  

Although I don’t often show it, I have a flamboyant streak in me.  I’d like to walk down the street wearing some cool flowing outfit and have the women "ooh" at my presence.   I wouldn’t be surprised if they found out one day that gay men became gay not because they like sleeping with men, but because they can wear yellow in public.

As I sat in CJ’s with Sophia, I thought about what it would be like to be a woman for a while  — sort of like those awful body switch comedies they made in the 1980’s.  And I don’t mean just dressing up like a woman, like in Tootsie.  I mean actually be a full-fledged woman, hopefully a sexy one with a great ass.   Don’t get me wrong, I love being a guy.  I’m just curious to learn more about the world of a woman.   Would I like wearing high heels?   Would I get a bikini wax?  What does a period really feel like?    I wouldn’t mind having breasts to play with.  

But would I really want to sleep with… a man?   Yuch.  Men are so hairy… and they smell bad.

I would’ve been too embarrassed to write this post, that is until I accidentally found a talented female blogger from  Albuquerque named Jo-Anne who was asking the same question — from a woman’s POV.   She was wondering what it would be like to be a man.     I know my female readers are obsessed about penises.   Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have one hanging there?  Would it be fun to aim and pee?  Would you really want to feel like a man — with all that testosterone? 

Have you ever wished to be the opposite sex — just for a little while?


  1. alley rat

    when i was younger i often wished i could be a man just for a day (and have sex with a woman as a man) just to see what it would feel like. yeah, i wanna know what a penis feels like. i mean, i KNOW what a penis feels like,but you know what i mean. dangling, as you say. and other things they do.

    but i think staring is more a function of culture than wiring. i am pretty sure i am wired to stare at hot 22 year old boys, but i don’t because i don’t want to feel like a dirty old lady. at least, not in public i don’t.

  2. Rachel

    Everytime I have to pee and I’m not near a restroom, I wish for a penis. But mostly I enjoy being a girl. Make up, high heels, pedicures and getting stared at when you look good are fun.

  3. proletariatputz

    I can’t believe you’ve never been in CJ’s before, the food is good, greasy, and cheap. I’ve been going there for years, ever since the Black Dahlia Theater opened next door, where I’m the resident lighting designer.

  4. Neil

    I read the Backstage review of the latest play there and it seems like something I’d like to see. See you at CJ’s.

  5. Pauly D

    Well, I think based on the current popularity of this post (6%), that most people are happy with their smelly ‘ol genders.

  6. Neil

    Uh… it’s a holiday weekend. Oh, yeah, that was last weekend.

  7. M.A.

    Being a man would be cool for one day. After that, the hard work would have to begin. I don’t envy having to figure out what it means to be a man. Too hard for me.

    Plus I wouldn’t want to think about ‘dressing right’ or ‘dressing left.’ ugh.

  8. The Moviequill

    if I was a woman for one day, I’d suffer a bad case of dishpan hands and never have left the bedroom…

  9. Megarita

    I had a long talk with some gay friends recently about whether or not women got turned on by seeing men naked, specifically by seeing a penis. They argued that men often become aroused by just looking at breasts, etc. (it’s the porn debate, right? no news flash here.) It’s an interesting question, regardless, and I’d have to say most men are more visually “stimulated” than I am, but it’s a close race. I put it in terms of print versus life. But being a woman’s both fabulous and terrifying. Maybe in the next life, Neil…

  10. Neil

    Have you noticed that not one male has said they would like to be a woman for a day? Sissies. What’s the matter with you guys? Think about it. You can spend all night feeling yourself up.

  11. Michael Blowhard

    I read a story once — I even think it was nonfiction — about a lesbian who was being surgically and hormonally altered to be a man. She was halfway through the process when one day she noticed, as she was walking along the sidewalk (I think this was in NYC), that the world around her seemed to consist of nothing but butts and boobies. Nothing was objectively different about the crowds on the sidewalks, but what she was registering was “chicks,” and “chick parts.” The hormones were getting to her, in other words. And she wrote that at that moment she felt, “Omigod, is this what it’s like to be a guy? You’re just overwhelmed, 24/7, by women, and by the parts of women that seem to be sexually beckoning?”

    To which question thousands of male readers that morning must have nodded, “Yup.”

  12. Neil

    Another plus for being a woman: you can work out at Curves.

  13. Jo-Anne

    I didn’t post this, but I would also like to know what it would be like to make love to a woman as a man. As a woman, I am definitely more attracted to men and my sexual fantasies are about men only, but I do realize that if I were male I would want to be straight.

  14. Neil

    Knowing men, I think I’d become a lesbian. Could I still wear that colorful flowing outfit?

  15. Leese

    I check out other females and imagine (not fantasize) about what I would do to her if I were male. Then I start imagining what it would be like to be her, having the waist that’s half the size of mine, the shapelier ass and the perkier breasts. And then I just get depressed and eat ice cream.

    When you start imagining what it’s like to be female, don’t forget being pregnant. Imagine what it’s like to have the wind knocked out of you by some kid inside you who’s not even 10 lbs. Then imagine going through 24 hours of labor. Then imagine how it must be like to nurse a tear on your ass after child birth, while fending off a husband who doesn’t see the point of having to wait 6 weeks for sex. All this while your nipples are bleeding because the same guy who was kicking around in your belly is now sucking on your tits.

  16. Neil

    I think Leese just ended that fantasy for me. On the positive side, as a reward for giving birth, the mother gets cool mother’s day gifts and fancy brunches every year. And what does the father get on father’s day — a crappy tie from Men’s Warehoue and a trip to The Olive Garden.

  17. The Moviequill

    Um, Neil..I did post I would be one (I already have the shoes)

  18. Richard Mason

    I’m happy to be a woman, if I can be a stunningly attractive lesbian, like Portia de Rossi. Otherwise no deal.

  19. Fun Joel

    Women clearly have it better on the sex end… when it is GOOD sex. I don’t think a man ever experiences that kind of pleasure. So I think it is more like guys have a steady baseline of pleasure with sex — it’s always at least pretty good. Women have spikes up into amazing territory that FAR overshadows what men experience.

    Re: walking around with a penis — it doesn’t “feel like” anything. I don’t know about the rest of the guys on here, but I’m not aware of mine as I walk around every day. And it isn’t really “dangling” unless I’m walking around naked!

    And Neil, you’re reminding me of Steve Martin’s line from L.A. Story: “I could never be a woman. I’d just stay at home and play with my tits all day!”

    Would I want to be a woman? For a day, maybe. Always up for a new experience. But overall, I’d hate having to deal with hormones and the like. Are there benefits? I’m sure. But I think the drawbacks might outweigh them, from my perspective. I’ll stick with being a man, thanks!

  20. Neil

    Joel, not aware of your penis as you walk around all day?! That’s the funniest thing I heard all week. What about when you go to the supermarket with all those melons? Or the gas station, when you pass your car’s rear bumper? Or KFC, with those chicken breasts? Or reading the newspaper about President Bush? When are you not aware of it?

  21. Fun Joel

    Hmm, let’s see now. In all honesty, I can’t remember the last time I bought melons, I actually do not own a car (shocking, I know, here in LA, but 100% true), I keep kosher so haven’t been to KFC, and I get my news online (and HATE reading about politics). But your point is well made. After all, since I have no car, I spend more time walking around, and get to see tons of hot women. Oh wait, that lacks a certain subtlty doesn’t it! 😉 Well, I also walk around see see, uh, birds and bees!

  22. Neil

    Joel, those Empire kosher chickens ain’t bad either (if you know what I mean).

  23. Fun Joel

    That’s not a very pleasant image right now. Think I’ll have to have a burger for dinner tonight!

  24. modigli

    I’m hooked on your blog already. To further prove your point of six-degrees of seperation, I was thinking of Jo-Anne’s post as I was reading this one. (I had read hers already, and also dropped a comment there.) What a funny example of 6-degrees when, getting to the end of this post, I read your reference to that very same post of Jo’s!!

    I’ll also say that getting the attention when you are feeling hot and sexy and looking good really does feel like a million bucks. But it can be a fragile thing. Sometimes it’s intimidating and scary to feel like you’re being watched and thought of in a sexual way.

  25. lizriz

    “I know my female readers are obsessed about penises.”

  26. lizriz

    Did it actually post wrong, or did you take out my snort?

    lalala, guess I’m not quite back from vaca.

    Point being, that line made me snort.

  27. Neil

    (see Looking What’s Under
    (see Batman Like You’ve Never Seen Him Before
    (see I Slept with Tom Cruise)
    You know, you’re right, Lizriz.  I think I’m the one with the penis obsession.

  28. kwyngate

    I am a male and have often wondered what it would be like to be a woman for a day, but always a young, sexy woman. I have wondered what it would be like to walk in high heels, put on make-up, know that men were watching your ass wiggle as you walked…and yes I have wondered what it would be like to go to bed with a man and have a female orgasm. Sexy attractive women have incredible power over men. I have wondered if they realize this and if so how and when and why they sometimes use it and sometimes don’t

  29. Jenny

    I’ve never particularly wondered about what it’d be like to be a man, but I have to argue about women never checking men out because “they’re wired differently.” It’s not because of biology so much as culture and upbringing. Surely you’ve noticed that the blue-collar workers, as you put it, and people of say, Hispanic or Italian or whatnot heritage are much more open about cheking out women, while your usual white upper-middle class business men would never stop and stare at a lady’s ass on the street. It’s not because he doesn’t notice, it’s because he’s been raised with different cultural expectations.

    So what I’m saying is, I’m a woman, and I like both men and women, and, while I try to avoid being rude, I very much stare both up and down.

  30. Ellen Bloom

    C.J.’s! That’s in MY neighborhood. Did you move to Wilshire Vista…a community of respect?

    We’ve also got Bloom Cafe (no relation) and the new Chic Cafe!

  31. William Dafoe

    I think women are turned on by seeing other sexy women, but it’s not the male type of turn-on, it makes them jealous because THEY want to be that other sexy woman. women get into a ‘competitive dress up’ mode and the woman who gets the most men’s tongues wagging, wins the contest!

    I think men are incredibly calm compared to women. We don’t have hormone cycles like women do. Estrogen is like a ‘happy drug’ and when it declines near ovulation, women dress up because dressing up for a woman is a turn-on, the attention stimulates them when there is no estrogen in their system to do likewise.

    as for what’s it like having a penis? mostly, one doesn’t notice having a penis. sometimes it gets in the wrong place and you have to reach down there and ‘reposition’ it. Sort of like when your underwear gets bunched up or some other minor clothing mishap. generally, though, when mine’s not in use, it shrinks really small and doesn’t get in the way at all … 🙂 🙂

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