Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

I Slept With Tom Cruise

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In light of all the emails going around saying that Tom Cruise is everywhere doing everything with everyone, including having an affair with Matchbox 20’s Rob Thomas, I’ve decided to ‘fess up myself.

I was enjoying my ice blended at the Brentwood Coffee Bean, when all of a sudden, Tom Cruise walked in, got a green tea, and sat at a nearby table.   Now, I’m one of his biggest fans, so I took a deep breath and got enough nerve to go over to him.  I told him how much I adored his work, and then I started rambling.  I told him that I used to wear those ‘Risky Business" Ray-Ban sunglasses around my neighborhood in Queens — just so I could look more like him.  He laughed and invited me to sit down.

As we chatted and talked about the ups and downs of Los Angeles life, I started getting nervous again.  Here I was sitting with one of the world’s biggest stars!  I reached into my pocket and took out my Prozac.  He angrily knocked away my bottle.

Don’t you realize you don’t need that?!  Did a psychiatrist give you that?  Don’t you know psychiatry isn’t a science?  I’ve studied the history of psychiatry, so I know.   Have you ever read Dianetics?

He told me all about Scientology, and you know what — when he explained it to me in his soothing voice, it all started to make a lot of sense.

The next thing I knew, I was in bed with Tom Cruise.  I’m not gay, but this is Tom Cruise.  And he says he’s not gay either.  Tom is a very caring lover.  Even though he is shorter than I realized, he’s not short at all in the places where it counts (if you know what I mean).

In the morning, he made me a delicious nutritious breakfast made with organic ingredients, including waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice.  We then sat in his screening room and watched his favorite movie, "Top Gun" on DVD.  We both laughed a lot at Kelly McGillis’ wooden performance and had an all around wonderful time.  My experience with Tom Cruise was the second greatest moment of my life, after my bar mitzvah.

16 Comments

  1. You mean he has a long thumb?

  2. I’m glad you inserted that all-important comma. Otherwise I would’ve thought it was the second greatest moment of your life after your bar mitzvah, though there might have been plenty of better ones before then. Then I started thinking, hmm, I wonder what the first greatest moment after his bar mitzvah was? Of course I soon came to the obvious conclusion — the day that I started reading your blog!

    Then, of course, my self-indulgence was shattered when I noticed that little comma. How said that a few mere pixels can wield such tremendous power!

    Happy Canada Day!

  3. Brilliance! Just be forewarned: with every passing day Tom Cruise seems to lose more of his sense of humor. And he’s very litigious. Expect a letter soon from his publicist/sister. Or a high-five from Brooke Shields.

  4. As long as you don’t have to replace your Prozac with Viagra…

  5. I think Tom Cruise should sue you. This little “story” is not even funny.

  6. Sue me? Did you see “War of the Worlds”?! I should sue him.

  7. I’m sorry you had to endure Tommy. Are you forever scarred? I would be – I think he’s eww and there would never be enough money for me to be Katie Holmes. I see that kissing and wonder if there’s a hasmat team standing by to cleanse her mouth after that. Did I just put myself up for a lawsuit – you decide.

  8. In the throes of passion did he start quoting the Frank TJ Mackay character from Magnolia? “Respect the c–k!” for instance?

  9. If you suffer any post-coital depression or Cruise withdrawl symptoms, just remember to pop some vitamins.

  10. Usually I am a big fan of the boy on boy action, but Tom Cruise… ugh, that guy just creeps me out!

  11. oh wow cheers man talk about wishfull thinking lol i like it though, just cant help thinking if it was true. Oh wow you would have been a celebrity by now.

  12. Is anyone here a follower/believer of Scientology? Do you think Tom Cruise is a good spokesman? He had the leader of Scientology go with him

    and his bride on their honeymoon and now some critics are saying his wedding was a sales pitch for Scientology.

  13. Swietna fotka, supez zdjęcie, :))

  14. hmmmm
    can i get YOUR autograph, i mean now that u have slept with TOM u must be an actor, anyways all the best

  15. HAHA. great article. very funny stuff. i must confess that i had a crush on tom cruise too. Im not gay but with him i might play catcher. Are we clear? Crystal.

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