In light of all the emails going around saying that Tom Cruise is everywhere doing everything with everyone, including having an affair with Matchbox 20’s Rob Thomas, I’ve decided to ‘fess up myself.
I was enjoying my ice blended at the Brentwood Coffee Bean, when all of a sudden, Tom Cruise walked in, got a green tea, and sat at a nearby table. Now, I’m one of his biggest fans, so I took a deep breath and got enough nerve to go over to him. I told him how much I adored his work, and then I started rambling. I told him that I used to wear those ‘Risky Business" Ray-Ban sunglasses around my neighborhood in Queens — just so I could look more like him. He laughed and invited me to sit down.
As we chatted and talked about the ups and downs of Los Angeles life, I started getting nervous again. Here I was sitting with one of the world’s biggest stars! I reached into my pocket and took out my Prozac. He angrily knocked away my bottle.
Don’t you realize you don’t need that?! Did a psychiatrist give you that? Don’t you know psychiatry isn’t a science? I’ve studied the history of psychiatry, so I know. Have you ever read Dianetics?
He told me all about Scientology, and you know what — when he explained it to me in his soothing voice, it all started to make a lot of sense.
The next thing I knew, I was in bed with Tom Cruise. I’m not gay, but this is Tom Cruise. And he says he’s not gay either. Tom is a very caring lover. Even though he is shorter than I realized, he’s not short at all in the places where it counts (if you know what I mean).
In the morning, he made me a delicious nutritious breakfast made with organic ingredients, including waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice. We then sat in his screening room and watched his favorite movie, "Top Gun" on DVD. We both laughed a lot at Kelly McGillis’ wooden performance and had an all around wonderful time. My experience with Tom Cruise was the second greatest moment of my life, after my bar mitzvah.