Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Ms. Neilochka

vincent2.jpg

Because of the well-oiled media machine that loves this stuff,  I’m sure you’ve heard of the controversial book, Self-Made Man, by journalist Norah Vincent.  In it, Ms. Vincent dresses up as a man to explore what life is like as the opposite sex.   The reviews have been mixed,  especially in view of the author’s "shocking" revelations:

Strip joints are about "pure sex drive – completely empty of any meaningful interaction."

OR

Male sexuality is "a bodily function. It’s a necessity. It’s such a powerful drive and I think because we [women] don’t have testosterone in our systems, we don’t understand how hard it is."

You can hear her being interviewed here.

Like Ms. Vincent, I’ve always been curious about what makes the opposite gender tick.  What is it that makes women so mysterious?  So sexy?  How do they view us?  What hardships do they have to go through on a daily basis that I, as a male, can never understand?

Today, I found out.  I went undercover as a woman.

I woke up early in the morning to begin my experiment.   Luckily, Sophia had left some of her clothes over at my apartment. Like Robert De Niro in Raging Bull, I was going to get completely into my character. 

I started by putting on a pair of Sophia’s cotton panties, the cute ones that say "If You Can Read This, You’re Getting Laid" on the ass.   Next was picking the outfit, which wasn’t as easy as I expected.  I once saw a neighbor on the second floor wearing the same Donna Karan dress that Sophia left in the closet, so there was no way I was going to wear it today.  What if I met the neighbor in the elevator and we were wearing the same outfit?!  How embarrassing. 

I finally settled on this perfect little black dress that Sophia found at Nordstrom.  It was simple, but chic.  It also did wonders for my figure.  Girl, you don’t want to hear about my hips since I drank all that egg nog at Christmas!  Don’t worry, soon I’m going to start that New Years’s resolution and go to the gym.  Yeah, right.

The best part of my outfit were my new shoes.  Ladies, look and weep!

After I was dressed, I grabbed my purse and headed out.  I decided to start my experiment at my local Ralphs Supermarket.  Would I be treated there any differently as a female than I had been as a male?

As I went up and down the aisles, I made sure that I only  bought gender-specific products:  low-fat yogurt, low-fat ice cream,  low-fat milk, Kotex, and Soap Opera Digest.  I did buy one small package of regular Oreos, but don’t tell the others at Weight Watchers.

At the check-out counter was a real hunk.  He was a good-looking young Latino with strong arms and sparkling blue eyes.  He scanned my items and I took out my VISA.  As I swiped my credit card, I noticed that he was staring at me.

"So, this is what its like to be a woman." I thought.  "To be a constant object of a man’s animal-like lust."

"I.D.," he said.

Suddenly, I realized I had a problem.  As I rubbed my chin, which is a nervous tic of mine,  it occurred to me that I had forgotten to shave and I had three-day old stubble. 

I handed him my I.D.

"Neil Kramer?"

"Yes."

"You look very different here."

"Oh, that’s a terrible photo of me anyway!  I never come out good in photos.  I always look so fat!"

"Excuse me for asking.  But, uh, Neil Kramer, are you a lady?"

I knew I had to lie.  Or my experiment would be ruined.

"Yes, I am.  And that’s Ms. Kramer to you,"

"It says here on your I.D. that you’re a man."

"Maybe you need glasses, sir."

"I don’t need any glasses.   Do you have another photo I.D.?"

"I resent the way you’re being condescending to me just because I’m a woman."

"Listen, you’re a dude, man."

"Oh, so why are you looking at my cleavage?"

"You have no cleavage.  You’re as flat as a tortilla."

"Misogynist!"

"What?  What the hell does that mean?  Is that some sort of insult about me being Mexican?"

"Oh, I heard about you Mexican guys.  You talk a good game, but three minutes in the sack and you go "adios, muchacha."

"I’ll show you adios, muchacha, you bitch!"

The Ralphs check-out guy jumped over the counter and threw himself at me.

"What the… Help!  Help!  This man is attacking a woman!"

‘You’re no fucking woman.  You’re loco, man.  Loco."

"Help!  Rapist!  The feminists are right!  They’re all rapists!  Men are all rapists!  Police!"

Luckily, there were three LAPD officers in the supermarket, buying a box of Krispy Kremes.  They jumped the check-out guy and knocked him out with a taser gun.  BZZZZ.

One of the cops was nice enough to comfort me.

"You’re OK now, Miss.  He’ll be out for quite a while." he said, as he pinched my ass.  "By the way, what are you doing later for dinner?"

MY CONCLUSION:  Men are Pigs.

59 Comments

  1. You’re freaken hilarious, Neil.

    For the rest of the day I’ll be hearing, “Help! Rapist! The feminists are right! They’re all rapists! Men are all rapists! Police!” in my head.

  2. good show, neil. i don’t suppose you’ll be starting the hormone injections anytime soon? πŸ™‚

  3. “MY CONCLUSION: Men are Pigs.”

    Wow, alert the media πŸ˜‰

  4. 1 hour….that’s all i need..just 1 hour in your brain….unreal..where do you dig this stuff out of?

  5. ROFLMAO! Testosterone is a lonely, evil hormone. Hilarious Neil.

    3T

  6. Neil, have you ever thought about having your own variety show or trying to write for a sitcom? You are definitely the perfect candidate to do so. LOL

  7. This post is hilarious. You so should be writing sitcom.

  8. What, you dress up as a woman to buy groceries? Sheesh. Nora went bowling and to strip clubs. You could at least have gotten a Brazilian wax.

  9. The “Dorothy” shoes were the dead giveaway, Neil. No self-respecting woman would wear those.

  10. Now you know what it’s like! Love the shoes! They remind me of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

  11. Do women even buy Kotex anymore? I much prefer Tampax.

  12. I am so jealous of those shoes.

    This post is hilarious; I’m crying from laughing.

  13. Neil…Neil…NEIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yeah, right…just like you told me yesterday, “To be honest, I don’t even think of myself as funny.”

    People, did you hear that? Neil doesn’t think he’s funny… he KNOWS he is…and so do we!!!

    Brilliant post…yet again. I vote that you get this year’s Neilochka Award–brilliance at its finest.

  14. next time, don’t forget to put your tits on. you haven’t really lived the female experience without carting those around.

  15. I need that laugh this morning, thanks:)
    Pure genius.

  16. Oh, so you didn’t want to be a woman. Just a bunch of gender stereotypes in one package. You are getting there. Well, except for the, as cruisin-mom said, “Dorothy” shoes.

    I do find your creativity in making up dialogues utterly fascinating.

  17. Ahhh, you make me laugh. I love you.

    Have you given your penis it’s own blog yet?

  18. by the way, those shoes are SOOOO to die for.

  19. I’m a complete shoe whore and I wouldn’t wear those… and damn sure not with a little black dress. I’d make a remark about your chichis but you said you were flat. Stuff it next time.

  20. I’m a little offended by the stereotyping of cops eating donuts. For shame!

    Funny stuff, Neil.

  21. So what did you two have for dinner?

  22. Good lord, I bet Sophia is going to beat you silly for saying that you could fit into her clothes! For shame, Neil, for shame!

    Utterly hilarious. This is one of my favorites. Definitely add it to your “best of” list.

    And the ending? Truer words have never been typed. πŸ˜‰

  23. By the way, I was just looking at the cover of Self-Made Man on top. Is it my imagination — or is that “man” as phony looking as me dressing as a “woman?”

    Do I hear “Yentl?”

    If that “guy” really went to a strip club, he would have the shit beaten out of him by the strippers in the parking lot.

  24. I really think Norah should just stay a man. She looks much better as a fake man than a real women. And I have to agree with Crusin-Mom no lady would wear those ‘Dorothy’ shoes except maybe a drag queen but hey its whatever you like…

  25. Uh-Oh, I think “La Coquette” is going to kill me for linking to her new shoes. But I love them, girlfriend, and that’s what counts!

  26. i am in SHOCK. strip clubs? about… SEX?? i refuse to believe it. all this time, my boyfriend has been saying he goes for the conversation. you know, like he reads playboy for the articles?

  27. I’m sorry, but I can’t get past “we don’t understand how hard it is.”

  28. I saw this news story, it was interesting. Inside look in the lives of men..

  29. norah looks better as a man than a woman, sorry norah, but you do, maybe a makeover?
    and those red shoes with a simple and chic black dress? not really working for me.

  30. I admit it…your predictable humor entertained me today. Two snaps.

  31. Neil did anyone say you wrote funny stuff yet? I don’t know. Sometimes they do. I don’t come here to read what they say. I don’t even read what you say. I just come here to leave a comment and hope that people follow the link to my page and then maybe click on an advert on my blog so I make 5 cents or something.

    So here I am.

    I need that 5 cents by the way.

  32. Spirit (hey, you’re a Neil, too!) — 5 cents a click on a ad? Does anyone ever click on those ads?

    Won’t Tell — Predictable humor? You’re gonna love the next post. You see there is this chicken and he wants to cross the road —

    Awe — we went out for Italian.

  33. That totally cracked me up! Thanks for the laugh today, Neil. And I want to know where Sophia got the “If you can read this, you’re getting laid” undies. That’s so cute. I want a pair, too! πŸ™‚

  34. He “scanned your items?” haha.

  35. You were totally asking for it, dressed in that slutty outfit. Tramp.

  36. Another winner, Neil – LOL.

    I saw this woman, err, man, err woman on some news show the other day and the consensus of the guys watching was that there is no way in hell she fooled anyone — unless they were falling down drunk. While she looked slightly like a guy at first glance, there is no way she could fool anyone looking closely at her — makeup as a beard? Please.

    This book is ripe for Oprah — she can say it’s wonderful only to act surprised when it is proved to be a lie later on.

  37. I bet you make one hot mamma! Where are the photos?

  38. You see? People are always borrowing my shoes and having WAY too much fun.

  39. First of all, I think this Norah character is genetically male to begin with. At least s/he is 47 XXY (klinefelters). S/he looks like a man dressed in drag in her “before” photo.

    Second, I would like photographic evidence of your experiment please. And, what hair products do you use?

    Namaste.
    ~HDJ

  40. Neil, I can’t believe people are still commenting on your “too skinny” post from last May. Perhaps you can tie it in with this male/female thing…like, if you are a bulemic female who becomes a male do you still find ways to feel nauseous? (or is it nauseated?)

  41. It’s a necessity for girls, too. I don’t know what Ms. Vincent’s problem is.

  42. Yes Neil … Not a real report on being ‘woman’ until you have a Brazilian wax!!! Then we’ll hear you roar. Please oh please at least do that … would love to hear you describe that ~ once you’re done recovering *_*

  43. If men are pigs that makes girl sows ?

  44. Now *I’m* starting to wonder about the existence of Sophia; she doesn’t strike me as the Donna Karan type.

  45. Nance, “she” isn’t a Donna Karan girl. ..and that is the only thing in the post that struck you as far-fetched?

  46. I actually saw this segment on TV last week. Thought it was a good experiment. Naturally she’s a lesbian. But I was curious how she went to the bathroom when she was at the camp for the really macho men in the wild. And a few other questions arose. I’m not going to jump at the chance to go buy the book but I may check it out at the library….

  47. You went through all of that to reach a conclusion everyone knew about already? For your next trick, will you be demonstrating that the sky is really blue?

  48. Before you try dressing up as a woman next time, you should really watch “Just One of the Guys” and take notes…

  49. yes Neil, men are pigs… and I for one, am a pig-lover. πŸ˜‰

  50. I know nothing about this book and person you refer to so I’m just going by that image … Is it me, or does he/she (especially the male version) look like one of the Sheens? Martin, Charlie, Emilio … and Norah?

  51. Must’ve been the 5 o’clock shadow. Steer clear of Danny Bonaduce my friend.

  52. I just love that the only people who do this are people who already look like a she-man anyway.

  53. So, so very Tootsie.

  54. lol….. so, will we get to see you in Victoria Secret anytime soon??

  55. Dude,

    If you keep telling everyone that Sophia’s panties fit you then you aren’t ever going to get laid again.

    At least not by her.

  56. Um. Where can I get a pair of those panties?

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