Dear Emily Blogpost,

I’m a male blogger who lives in the Los Angeles area.  Recently, it was my birthday, and I received cards and gifts from other bloggers.  Today I started writing “thank you” emails.  Things started out well.  I sent four emails, but then I suddenly stopped, feeling myself going into a panic.  Sweat poured down onto my shirt.  What was the problem?  I feared that I had made a terrible mistake in blog etiquette. 

I quickly reread my notes and it was just as I had feared –  at the end of each note I signed things off at the end as, “Love, Neil.” 

Now, while I am fond of these bloggers, I’m not sure I actually “love” them in the traditional sense.  I probably was overdoing the literary hyperbole, which is a frequent problem of mine as a writer.  When I used the word “love,” I hoped to convey a friendly fondness, much like a person can love a cat, or a bowl of Fruit Loops.  I hope that this “love” is not misinterpreted by others to mean “I am now stalking you” or “I know your bra size is 36D and I think about you when I caress the Bali Bras at Target,” or “meet me in the Westin at LAX, room 1201 on Saturday at 3PM so we can **** for a couple of hours on Westin’s trademarked signature Heavenly Bed (with ten layers of comfort!).

Perhaps I should just stop writing, “Love, Neil” on my thank you notes. especially to other men.  I thought about ending each email by saying, “Your friend, Neil,” but that seems lame, as if we hang out together and play Texas Hold Em on Thursday Nights or go to see action movies together.   “Your Blog Associate, Neil” is even worse, because it sounds like some new-fangled job description at Google.

Eh, maybe I’ll just go back to “Love, Neil” and hope someone hot misinterprets it and shows up at the Westin.

Emily Blogpost, please help!

Loves Too Much

P.S. — In a sidenote, while we were travelling, Sophia and I found it amusing that hotels still don’t have 13th floors in 2007.  Isn’t this the silliest superstition to have in modern times?  You can bring a hooker to your room, but can’t sleep on the 13th Floor?  Why not just ban mirrors and black cats?  Hell, Sophia and I got MARRIED on October 13th!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Meeting Barry at Canter’s

One of the bloggers I met during my trip to San Diego was Modigli.  Meeting her was particularly exciting because I’ve been interacting with her as a blogger for more than a year.  I’ve “been with her” when she lived in Cleveland, when she took a trip to Florida, when she fell in love with another blogger in San Diego, when she moved to San Diego, when she couldn’t find a job, when she took a crappy job at Starbucks, when she finally got a teaching job, etc. 

I know more about her than some of my real friends.

So, I see her for the first time as I’m getting out of my car in front of her apartment complex.  But do I feel joy?  No!   Being a neurotic person, I feel only anxiety.  Why?  Because all I could think about was, “How do I greet her?”

“Do I hug her?  And do I hug her in that fake way or give her a real hug?  Should I give her a kiss on the cheek?  Will she think I’m too forward?  Will her boyfriend get mad?  Should I just shake her hand?  Should I kiss her “French” style on both cheeks?  Will she think me unfriendly if I don’t kiss her at all?” 

Luckily she came and gave me a big hug so I didn’t have to worry anymore (until it was time to go home when the thoughts came up again).

I enjoy meeting other bloggers, but I don’t like feeling anxious.  So, please help me and tell me now AHEAD OF TIME how you would like to be greeted – in case I ever meet you in person.

Would you like me to:

1)  Hug you weakly?
2)  Hug you strongly?
3)  Kiss you once on the cheek?
4)  Kiss you on both cheeks?
5)  Kiss you on the lips?
6)  Kiss you on the lips with tongue action?
7)  Kiss you while feeling you up?
8)  Kiss you while squeezing your ass?
9)  Kiss you while grinding against you?
10) Shake your hand?

Thanks for your help. 

And remember, tomorrow is Blog Appreciation Day.   Show your love to another blogger!  If you are sending a photo to someone, and you’re not afraid of revealing your location, show the daily newspaper or something specific so the person can feel proud that his blog is being read in Memphis or London, or wherever else you might live.

A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month:  Can Anybody Find Me Somebody to Hate?