I’ve always wanted to hate another ethnic or racial group. Hatred gives a person a lot of inner power and focus. My biggest problem in my quest for hating others is that I’m not that political. My main interests tend to be music, food, and fantasizing about women.
I’ve tried hating black people. After all, so much of urban crime is caused by blacks. But then I remember that scene in “Do the Right Thing” where John Turturro admits to Spike Lee that all his favorite singers and athletes were African-American. Where would American music be without black musicians? We’d still be stuck listening to wimpy Jewish guys named Neil (Sedaka and Diamond). I’m not a big fan of soul food, so that’s not a big plus for me. But I’ve always found black women very sexy. So, blacks are out for me.
I should hate Mexicans. Look how illegal aliens are taking over California. But I love Mexican food and I have a fondness for Mariachi music. And this Mexican-born woman on the third floor of my apartment building is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
Do I need to bother bringing up Asians? First of all, they have the food thing down pat. Is there any cuisines better than the Chinese and Japanese? I can’t stay angry at the Japanese for World War II when I think about sushi and green tea ice cream. I don’t know much about their Asian music, but let’s just say Jewish men have a certain fondness for Asian women.
Jewish women are extremely sexy. And Jewish food is great. Why do so many people hate us?
I really want to hate Arabs. Some of them really deserve to be hated. But Middle Eastern food is delicious. Even Israelis have to admit that much of their own food is modified Arabic food. I predict that peace will come to the Middle East because of the food. Arabic music is a little whiny for my taste. But I would like to know more about Arab women. So many of them are still stuck behind their burkas. It makes me think that Arab women must be the hottest of them all, or else why would their men want to hide them from the rest of us?
Ethiopians: food — yuch. Music — so-so. Women — gorgeous.
Indians: food — yummy. Music — annoying. Women — amazing.
Italians: food, opera, and great-looking women. A trifecta.
the British: bad food, the Beatles, the fabulous Kate Winslet
the French: good food, bad disco-type music, chic women!
I was losing hope in my search for someone to hate. But last week, there was a glimmer of hope. I went with Sophia to dinner at the house of a co-worker, a Latvian interpreter. This Latvian woman was the ugliest woman I’d ever seen. The authentic Latvian dishes were absolutely awful. Getting excited by the prospect of finding someone to hate, I asked the hostess if she had any Latvian music to play. She put on a CD of a popular Latvian singer who sounded like a Slavic falsetto version of American Idol reject William Hung. I was getting positively ecstatic – finally, I found a people to hate — LATVIANS!
I rushed home to Google to learn as much as possible about these petty little, pug-nosed Latvians. I wanted to hate everything about them. Then I found myself going to this link showing Olympic jumper Ineta Radevica posing in Playboy. Damn it!