Dear Emily Blogpost,
I’m a male blogger who lives in the Los Angeles area. Recently, it was my birthday, and I received cards and gifts from other bloggers. Today I started writing “thank you” emails. Things started out well. I sent four emails, but then I suddenly stopped, feeling myself going into a panic. Sweat poured down onto my shirt. What was the problem? I feared that I had made a terrible mistake in blog etiquette.
I quickly reread my notes and it was just as I had feared — at the end of each note I signed things off at the end as, “Love, Neil.”
Now, while I am fond of these bloggers, I’m not sure I actually “love” them in the traditional sense. I probably was overdoing the literary hyperbole, which is a frequent problem of mine as a writer. When I used the word “love,” I hoped to convey a friendly fondness, much like a person can love a cat, or a bowl of Fruit Loops. I hope that this “love” is not misinterpreted by others to mean “I am now stalking you” or “I know your bra size is 36D and I think about you when I caress the Bali Bras at Target,” or “meet me in the Westin at LAX, room 1201 on Saturday at 3PM so we can **** for a couple of hours on Westin’s trademarked signature Heavenly Bed (with ten layers of comfort!).
Perhaps I should just stop writing, “Love, Neil” on my thank you notes. especially to other men. I thought about ending each email by saying, “Your friend, Neil,” but that seems lame, as if we hang out together and play Texas Hold Em on Thursday Nights or go to see action movies together. “Your Blog Associate, Neil” is even worse, because it sounds like some new-fangled job description at Google.
Eh, maybe I’ll just go back to “Love, Neil” and hope someone hot misinterprets it and shows up at the Westin.
Emily Blogpost, please help!
Loves Too Much
P.S. — In a sidenote, while we were travelling, Sophia and I found it amusing that hotels still don’t have 13th floors in 2007. Isn’t this the silliest superstition to have in modern times? You can bring a hooker to your room, but can’t sleep on the 13th Floor? Why not just ban mirrors and black cats? Hell, Sophia and I got MARRIED on October 13th!
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Meeting Barry at Canter’s