the writing and photography of Neil Kramer
Two suspected murderers and a suspected child molester escaped Saturday from the San Diego County jail on Otay Mesa near the Mexican border, officials said.
The three escaped from the recreation yard at George Bailey Detention Facility on Alta Road and were seen running into bushes in an adjacent canyon. Several law enforcement agencies were involved in the search.
Couldn’t they come up with a better name for a major California prison? The only George Bailey I know:
1) My Favorite Cereal
I was walking down "aisle 10" in Ralph’s Supermarket today to buy my usual healthy, but cardboard-tasting "high-fiber" cereal, when I started reminiscing about the sugar-high cereals of my youth: Lucky Charms, Trix, Frosted Flakes, and my all time favorite — Sugar Pops — or Sugar Corn Pops, depending on what year you started eating them. I used to love those bright yellow crunchy bits of sugar that somehow were related to "wholesome corn" and kept their crunch quite well, unlike the wimpy and soggy Rice Krispies.
My current supermarket had many cereals on sale, almost too many, and there was a whole section devoted just to Kellogg’s products. But when I saw the familiar yellow box, I was quite surprised to learn that Sugar Pops were not called Sugar Pops anymore. No. Now, they are just called Pops. The word "Pops" was written in some pseudo-graffiti font and there was some sort of promotion going on for snowboarding. This was obviously a Sugar Pops for a new generation. But are parents so stupid to think that Pops are any healthier than the Sugar Pops they used to eat, just because Kellogg’s dropped the "Sugar" from the name?
Maybe Sugar Pops are more successful nowadays as just Pops. Changing names can be a powerful illusion, like changing Kentucky Fried Chicken to the heart-healthy KFC.
2) Real Estate
When I was growing up in Flushing, there was a housing project across the street. The residents were mostly those on welfare and other federal assistance programs. While it was a noble idea in principle, it was a nightmare for the neighborhood. The crime rate zoomed, and women were frequently attacked walking the streets. After a few years, there was so much community uproar about "the projects," that they were closed down. A few months later, they were taken over by a private company, quickly painted over, and renamed "Georgetown Mews." My friends and I always joked about this, as if this ultra-pretentious name somehow transformed this ugly complex into something sophisticated.
With real estate so hot, I see this type of "naming" used all the time. For instance, on the way to Palm Springs recently, I noticed what used to be an empty lot in a god-forsaken desert area between LA and Palm Springs. Now, it has been transformed into "Rawhide Ranch," as if any actual horse wouldn’t immediately drop dead in the area’s 120 degree heat.
New York and San Francisco have always been very successful in turning a rundown part of the city into some hip enclave. Step one: promote the area with some cool name like Tribeca, Soho, DUMBO, etc. Los Angeles is now getting into the game by "trying to trick hipsters into leasing Skid Row lofts: the Old Bank District."
Why not? It works.
3) Concentration Camps
Changing your name is frequently a way of hiding your past. When a company does something illegal, they often come back with a changed name — and a fresh start. Sometimes a name is associated with a disaster. That’s why after ValuJet crashed in the Florida Everglades, they changed their name to AirTran. It’s not surprising that Poland even wants to to rename Auschwitz.
"Poland is trying to change the name of Auschwitz concentration camp to emphasize that Nazi Germans, not Poles, were responsible for the most murderous center of the Holocaust.
The government has asked the United Nations to change the name of its World Heritage site from "Auschwitz Concentration Camp" to "the Former Nazi German Concentration Camp of Auschwitz.""
Who’s going to say that mouthful? I think most people remember that the Nazis were the bad guys. Name changing is a powerful instrument. What do you think Poland is trying to forget about it’s own past?
I understand that living in Auschwitz might be a drag. But, hey, why not just build a Six Flags there so Auschwitz can change its reputation from the "place with a death camp" to a "place for fun?"
Sophia and I at IHOP this morning, reading the LA Times.
Me: You know Lawry’s, the fancy "Prime Ribs" place?
(reading) "Steeped in tradition, Lawry’s takes pride in serving up prime rib from silver carts much the way the family-run restaurant chain’s founders did in 1938, when they opened the original Beverly Hills location.
But the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission said Tuesday that in employing mostly female servers in its upscale eateries, the Pasadena company might be too retro for its own good.
In an unusual class-action lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles, the agency charged the chain of seven restaurants with maintaining a hiring policy established in 1938 that discriminates against men."
Sophia: I see this ALL THE TIME in court. You know what you should do? You should try to get a job some place where they’re never going to hire you, then sue them for a million dollars. LIke at Hooters.
Me: That’s so funny you said that. Listen to the last paragraph.
(reading) "In 1997, Hooters of America Inc. agreed to pay $3.75 million to settle a suit filed by men who said they were turned away when they applied for jobs at the chain, which is known for its female servers in revealing outfits."
Sophia: There goes that idea. But I’m sure you can find some place else to sue. How about Curves?
Neil: Or Victoria’s Secrets?
Sophia: I have the best one. That bikini wax place on Pico Boulevard. They’re never going to hire you and then you can say it was discrimination.
Neil: Yeah, easy money from the settlement. Although, you know, it would be a pretty cool job if they actually gave it to me.
Yoko Ono and Peter Gabriel bring John Lennon’s message of peace to the world:
Imagine there’s no countries,
It isn’t hard to do.
USA! USA! USA! We’re number one!
Imagine no possessions,
I wonder if you can.
McDonald’s, an official sponsor of the Olympics.
Samsung, an official sponsor of the Olympics.
Kodak, an official sponsor of the Olympics.
You may say I’m a dreamer…
Before he got the Ten Commandments, MOSES is seen coveting his neighbor’s wife.
Flags burned and protesters chanted as outrage spread over the Middle East, with Denmark being the brunt of the storm. Trouble started brewing when Frederik Anders, a 12 year old boy from Copenhagen, posted a photo on his blog of the Egyptian pyramid he built from materials created by the Denmark-based company LEGO.
His blog, "I Love LEGO" was bombarded with messages threatening him with death. Islamic leaders demanded an apology from the Danish government, or predicted more violence.
At a demonstration organized by Hamas, tens of thousands of protesters marched in the streets, some of them chanting: "Those responsible should have their hands cut off."
"We are a religion of peace," said a cleric.
Oops, wrong story. Oh, yes, the satirical cartoons published in the Danish newspaper, Jyllands-Posten. One of the cartoons shows Muhammad as a jihad warrior wearing a turban shaped like a bomb.
I wouldn’t dare publish the cartoons here, in fear of my life. But as a newly self-actualized Jewish blogger, I can publish this lovely "satirical" cartoon from today’s Bahrain’s newspaper, Akhbar al-Khalij, explaining how this Danish situation was really caused BY THE JEWS!
The text reads "The Penetration of Zionism to Denmark." Notice the "Star of David"- shaped cheese and the worms.
That’s it! — this weekend I am boycotting all shish-kabobs!
Update: You can see the "offensive" Danish cartoons here, here, and here.
Update #2: The burning of the Danish Embassy in Syria.
Update #3: Burning the Danish Consulate in Beirut — all because of cartoons…
UPDATE 4: I’ve decided to "publish" the photos as well, in support of the Danish publisher.
Dear Fellow Congregants of Temple Beit Blogosphere,
Shalom!
May I commend you on the excellent work you did last month. Getting Walmart to say "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas" was a real coup! We even got Bill O’Reilly’s attention, and he ended up promoting it endlessly.
Did you know that one of Bill O’Reilly’s producers is Jewish? What a shonda! Let’s not even bring up that Jack Abramoff. Never trust an Orthodox Jew who spends too much time at an Indian casino.
Anyway, the Temple Sisterhood is already making plans for next year’s big Holiday controversy. Imagine what FOX News will say when we suggest changing the title of the traditional carol "Silent Night, Holy Night" to "Silent Night, Ho Ho Ho Night." so it is less "religiously Christian." Ooh, boy, that’s going to be a good one! You’ll all be receiving your memos in the mail some time in September.
As you know, the next big Christian holiday is Easter. Normally, here in America, we don’t get much bothered by Easter. After all, we have Passover, and most of us would rather eat some good gefilte fish than an Easter ham. In fact, I’m sure if Jesus was here himself, he’d be chugging down the Manischewitz at a seder with the rest of us.
However, things might be different this Easter. According to the Washington Post, trouble is brewing in Easter-land, and it has nothing to do with wearing bonnets:
Three months before the annual Easter egg roll at the White House, the usually festive event is already taking on a divisive edge because of plans by gay- and lesbian-led families to turn out en masse in hopes of raising their public profile.
Conservative groups are up at arms at the thought of thousands of gays and lesbians coming with their children to participate in the annual White House "egg roll.".
"It’s improper to use the egg roll for political purposes," said Mark Tooley of the conservative Institute on Religion and Democracy.
Now, most Jews only know one "egg roll," and it goes best with a little spicy Chinese mustard. But maybe it’s time for us to take a little political action of our own. Why shouldn’t our children have the simcha of going to the White House and playing on the front lawn with all the Christian kids?
Of course we want our "little bundles of joy" to maintain their Jewish identity at this event. That’s why Danny Lebowitz of the Temple Men’s Club had the wonderful idea of providing each Jewish child with his or her own matzoh ball to roll on the White House lawn.
What a great country this is where Christian children and Jewish children can play side by side, rolling their eggs and matzoh balls side by side!
Take that, Bill O’Reilly!
Rabbi Neilochka Kramer
(AP Photo/Julie Jacobson)
A few years back, I was visiting New York when there was a big earthquake in Los Angeles. Everyone in New York was saying how lucky I was to not be in LA, but I actually felt depressed. There was finally a big Los Angeles communal event that everyone was invited too — and I missed out. This feeling of missing out on a big event is not unusual. I know someone who was out of New York during 9/11 — and has been pissed about this for years. While most New Yorkers can tell you exactly what they were doing that day, my friend has the embarrassing distinction of being in a hotel room in Denver. Does it really matter that he was watching the event on a TV in a Denver hotel rather than his Brooklyn apartment? Apparently, it does. He can’t tell others the story about "being there."
Things have only intensified with the growth of blogging. As I was making my rounds of blog-reading today, I noticed that every New York blogger was weighing in with his opinion or experience with the big NYC transit strike. As is usual now, traditional media has turned to bloggers for "eyewitness accounts" of events such as the transit strike, and have used blog posts in their newspapers. In fact, I recently reviewed a book for Blogebrity titled, 2005: Blogged (edited by Tim Worstall), which is a collection of blog posts commenting on the big news events of the year.
I’m jealous of all you New York bloggers who got mentioned in today’s news media because of your blogging about your experience walking from West 76th Street to West 67th Street. A blogger knows that he only has one chance to strike gold. Newspapers and TV shows have a deadline to make, and they can’t wait for procrastinating bloggers to perfect their "I was there" post on some news event. No, it is the blogger that gets there first that gets the media mention. An ambitious blogger needs to wake up 5AM every morning, and be ready and willing to write a post on any big event that occurs in their city. You also need to write it fast, especially if you want to be the first one on Technorati with the story.
My big problem is that I’m lazy. I don’t like to wake up early. I procrastinate. I want the fame and media attention, but I don’t want to work for it. So, I’ve taken a page from the traditional media in order to ensure that I will always be the first at bat with a hot story. I will use a technique perfected for decades by obituary writers. I will pre-write my important posts. Do you really think that that the NY Times didn’t have their Ronald Reagan obituary ready for publication years before the president actually passed away?
Despite my flu, today has been a very productive blogging day. I’ve written about the next big earthquake in Los Angeles and how it brought me closer to my wacky neighbors. I wrote a very amusing post about my 2006 New Year’s night out. And 2007. And 2008. You are going to be amazed at what I saw at the amazing Opening Ceremonies at the Torino Olympics, and how proud I was to see that one free Iraqi bobsledder enter the stadium. I especially enjoyed my post about waiting in line all night to be the first to see Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. All of them are now ready in my draft mode.
Clever, huh? Can you guess who is going to be first one listed in Technorati when the next LA earthquake hits? Luckily, my mother is here, so I’ve been preparing her to be my plan B in case of any emergency during an earthquake, such as the power going out or my apartment building collapsing around me. I will quickly call my mother in New York via cellphone and get her to publish the post for me.
"Mom, it’s easy. Log in. Yes, now go into WordPress, just like I showed you. W-O-R-D-P-R-E-S-S. Under Manage. Under Drafts. Blog… Mom… Blog, not Blodge. Do you see where there is a post titled "The Big One." No, not in the comments. No, I’m not yelling. That’s just a loud aftershock. Yes, in Posts. Under Manage. Mom, are you listening? Mom, my apartment building is on fire and my upstairs neighbor just fell through the ceiling. Please pay attention as I try to walk you through this. I want to be first on Technorati with my personal account of the earthquake!"
Maybe I should ask my Uncle Milton to be Plan B instead of my mother.
After receiving numerous angry emails from fellow Jews, I feel a little bit like Philip Roth after writing about Jews masturbating in "Goodbye Columbus." So, like a Supreme Court nominee, I feel it is important to clarify myself after writing my last post.
1) I’m not really tired of other Jews. I love Jews. Sophia is Jewish. My mother is Jewish. Brooke, my long-time fantasy woman is Jewish, although she has yet to date a Jewish man. Time will tell.
2) I think Akaky had it right when he commented:
"Take advantage of your new ethnic hipness before the focus shifts to Armenians or Eskimoes or dyslexic Dravidian dwarves and being Jewish becomes so yesterday’s news."
Sophia, who loved the post, still said, "Neil, you are the schmendrik. Better to be trendy and loved than hated, chased by Cossacks or Muslim fanatics."
3) I actually think it is good that Walmart has its employees say "Happy Holidays" to its customers. I don’t really want anyone saying "Merry Christmas" to me. But if they do, I won’t drop dead on the spot. But does it hurt you Christians so much to say, "Happy Holidays?" We appreciate it. Believe me, saying "Happy Holidays" isn’t the reason that Christmas has become such an overly commercialized, irreligious farce of a holiday. Blame the retailers like Macy’s and the Gap and FAO Schwartz, all owned by…. uh, let’s move on…
4) Recently I was quoted on this site. It pretty much says what I believe:
Frankly, I think one of the things that makes our country so great is that the majority religion has tried so hard to make minorities feel comfortable. Where else have Jews and others been made to feel as equals and as comfortable with Christian holidays? Certainly not in many European countries where you are considered Jewish first, then a citizen of that country.
New York is not the rest of the country. I think it would be nice to bring back some of the religiosity to Christmas in big cities, so it isn’t such a consumerized holiday. Thank you, Christians, for being so good to the rest of us. You can now celebrate Christmas a little more openly.
However, things are different in smaller cities and towns around the country. Those places have a habit of mixing up religion and public policy. It is places like those where I don’t think it appropriate for the public sector to promote religion symbolism and ideology.
I think it is perfectly fine to have your friends and co-workers wish you a "Merry Christmas." What’s the big deal? But a "public" store like Walmart isn’t really the place for religious exclusiveness. And is Christmas in such trouble that it needs Walmart to save it?
5) I’m not into political correctness, but that doesn’t mean everyone should act like an asshole. Unlike whatever Bill O’Reilly feels, I’m all for going all out with trying to respect minorities. Christmas is not "under siege." Look outside your window. Christmas decorations were up five minutes after Thanksgiving. Talk about shoving it in people’s face. Sorry, but you’re the fucking majority and it’s up to you to be nice. When the world is taken over by the billions of Chinese — and it will happen — let’s hope they respect us Americans as the minority. (see Planet of the Apes for an example of what happens when the tables are turned). Isn’t the whole point of the Judeo-Christian ethos to do unto others…
6) Attacking political correctness has become so rampant that I firmly believe the MOST politically incorrect thing to do today is to defend it. I had a long email conversation with Anne about whether Sarah Silverman is funny. We both agree that she is. But she is a professional comedian with a clever wit. My fear is that every asshole will now think it is cool to tell slavery and Holocaust jokes at the dinner table and think they are the best thing since sliced challah. I have a fear that everyone will laugh, not wanting to appear unhip, and the one who says that it isn’t funny will appear like a stick-in-the-mud.
Sometimes, a little political correctness — when it doesn’t become the ruling party itself — can be good.
It’s weird that I use Bill O’Reilly and Sarah Silverman in the same sentence, but they are both talented entertainers making big money by saying outlandish things for people to blog about. But in the real world, it is nice for people to say "Happy Holidays" and wrong to make racist jokes.
Of course, as a high-paid blogger, I include myself as someone who can say whatever he wants without consequence.
7) And finally, I’d like to apologize publicly to big-time blogger Andrew Krukoff. I’m still not sure who you are, but congratulations on becoming a man.
Today on Blogebrity: How to Tell if Your Cowboy is Gay (about not only but also)
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