the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Gossip and Celebrities (Page 4 of 5)

Tale of Two NBC Job Applications

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I love NBC.  I really do.  And I’m not just saying that because I recently applied for a job there. 

The people at NBC are very nice.  I enjoyed my interview.  Before the interview, I went to human resources.  I spoke with a very nice and attractive executive.  We joked a lot about the relationship between NBC and Universal.  While I was there, I was given some paper work to fill out — and when I say paperwork, I mean PAPERWORK.  You know, the typical questions for a corporate human resources department:

Where have I worked for the last ten years?  What are my last seven residences?  Have I ever applied for a job at NBC before? Do I know anyone at NBC?  What are my references?  Have I ever made a joke or a disparaging comment about NBC’s lame comedies since Frasier left the air?  Have I ever watched one of the dozen different Law and Orders and can I distinguish one from the other?  Do I like David Letterman better than Jay Leno?    Have I ever been convicted of a crime or been in jail?

Now, imagine I have been convicted of a serious crime.  Imagine I did do some jail time.  Do you think I would have a chance to get the low paying job I was applying for, something I’m way overqualified to do? 

Even better, do you think they would let me host my own TV show — say a spin-off of "The Apprentice," one of the network’s most popular shows? 

Hmm.

NOTE TO THOSE COMING FROM 2 BLOWHARDS:  I’d like to welcome you here.   Please check out the other people on my blogroll.  They are much friendlier than I am.  I also would like to thank Michael Blowhard for his kind words about this site.  If only you would have made them earlier, maybe I would have gotten that stupid NBC job (which I didn’t).  Next time, I’ll fake you as a reference.   I also promise to stop describing your terrific blog to others as "the egghead one."

If I Can’t Have Barbra…

Do you ever find yourself choosing the same type of woman or man over and over again, even though you know it means trouble?  I always hear of a woman dating a jerk, then breaking up with him to start dating another jerk.  Or a man who chooses a woman who breaks his heart, only for him to start a relationship with a second woman who doesn’t want a serious relationship. 

After some fellow bloggers told me that I need to get over my infatuation with Barbara Streisand (she’s taken!), I became very depressed.   Look how sexy she is!

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But I decided to be proactive.  I put on my best clothes and went to my local synagogue for a singles’ event.  While I was there, I started talking with Naomi, the rabbi’s eldest daughter.  I found myself strangely attracted to her, in a Barbra Steisand way — I don’t know why…

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(image via Koganuts)

Learning from Barbra Streisand

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Do you notice that whenever there’s a Hollywood movie where there’s a white guy and black guy disagreeing about something, it always ends up in racial name-calling (Crash, 48 Hours, every movie by Spike Lee)?

Last night, I went to the movies with my friend J.  He is an African-American.  I am a Jewish Caucasian.  We decided to see the new nature documentary The March of the Penguins because penguins are both black and white, and we figured the subject matter was so uncontroversial that no racials tensions could possibly develop.

We met early to have some dinner.  As J. drove, we discussed what we wanted to eat.  J. wanted Italian.  I wanted Chinese.  Neither of us would budge.   Tensions rose and the racial epitaphs started to fly.  J. told me that when he came to my seder last year, that my mother’s gefilte fish "sucked."  I mocked his culture’s weird attraction to eating chicken and waffles together!  It got ugly.

I told him to stop the car immediately.  I knew we needed some help, and I knew there was only one person who could bring us back together — Barbra Streisand.

I took out my laptop (as a blogger, I always carry it around) and stole some wi-fi from some home in Beverly Hills.  I clicked on  Barbra Streisand’s website, where she publishes many of her political ideas (yes, Sophia, TWM, Rachel, and others — all very liberal).  I showed J. one of the posts dated June 18, 2003.

I see people trying to divide the unity of Blacks and Jews, in particular. We can’t allow this to happen, because we have too much in common to be divided. With a shared history of oppression and slavery, as well as a common ingrained culture of social justice, Blacks and Jews, over the years and still today, have been natural allies.

In fact, Blacks and Jews have a long and important history of working together… recently, Blacks and Jews worked together in Florida after the 2000 election when both groups were disenfranchised after their votes were disregarded – Blacks because they were wrongly purged from voter lists and Jews in Palm Beach County who had mistakenly voted for Buchanan due to a poorly designed ballot. It was wonderful to watch Jews and African-Americans come together at rallies during that important time in our history.

J. and I looked at each other, ashamed of ourselves.  Despite our differences, didn’t we learn anything from that 2000 election year?   

Suddenly, we understood what Barbra was saying to us.  Blacks and Jews have so much in common — both groups are idiots!  

Blacks forgot to register to vote and Jews were too blind to read the ballot.

J. and I compromised and we went out for Thai food.

(story truth quotient 8%) (chance that fellow blogger Alley is not going to realize that it’s a joke and lecture me about politics 100%) 

(by the way, maybe this is a Jewish thing, but I’ve always found Barbara Streisand incredibly sexy and beautiful — but I have a feeling James Brolin has one high maintenance woman on his hands)

Looking What’s Under

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What do Hugh Grant, Luke Perry, Desi Arnaz Jr., and Harry Truman all have in common?  They are all uncircumsized!  This extremely weird website is an anti-circumcision site and they try to convince you of their opinions by using the oldest trick in the advertising book — celebrity endorsements!    (thanks Rob)

Hey, if Johnny Mathis and Vladimir Putin are uncut (or "intact" as they call it)  why shouldn’t I be?

I’ve never heard the expression "intact" before.  Does that mean the rest of us are not intact? 

And the obvious question is — how does this website know?  I read David McCullough’s masterful biography of Harry Truman, and there wasn’t one mention of his penis in the book’s 1120 pages.

Also, according to my post from last week, Batman is on our side.

UPDATE July7:  Who knew?   A few days later, the heated subject of circumcision is in the news.

I Slept With Tom Cruise

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In light of all the emails going around saying that Tom Cruise is everywhere doing everything with everyone, including having an affair with Matchbox 20’s Rob Thomas, I’ve decided to ‘fess up myself.

I was enjoying my ice blended at the Brentwood Coffee Bean, when all of a sudden, Tom Cruise walked in, got a green tea, and sat at a nearby table.   Now, I’m one of his biggest fans, so I took a deep breath and got enough nerve to go over to him.  I told him how much I adored his work, and then I started rambling.  I told him that I used to wear those ‘Risky Business" Ray-Ban sunglasses around my neighborhood in Queens — just so I could look more like him.  He laughed and invited me to sit down.

As we chatted and talked about the ups and downs of Los Angeles life, I started getting nervous again.  Here I was sitting with one of the world’s biggest stars!  I reached into my pocket and took out my Prozac.  He angrily knocked away my bottle.

Don’t you realize you don’t need that?!  Did a psychiatrist give you that?  Don’t you know psychiatry isn’t a science?  I’ve studied the history of psychiatry, so I know.   Have you ever read Dianetics?

He told me all about Scientology, and you know what — when he explained it to me in his soothing voice, it all started to make a lot of sense.

The next thing I knew, I was in bed with Tom Cruise.  I’m not gay, but this is Tom Cruise.  And he says he’s not gay either.  Tom is a very caring lover.  Even though he is shorter than I realized, he’s not short at all in the places where it counts (if you know what I mean).

In the morning, he made me a delicious nutritious breakfast made with organic ingredients, including waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice.  We then sat in his screening room and watched his favorite movie, "Top Gun" on DVD.  We both laughed a lot at Kelly McGillis’ wooden performance and had an all around wonderful time.  My experience with Tom Cruise was the second greatest moment of my life, after my bar mitzvah.

My Apologies, Steven Spielberg

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I just read this post written by Jack at Jack’s Shack about how a growing number of employees are being fired from their jobs because of statements or opinions made about their workplaces.  It made me realize that I really haven’t been very smart since starting this blog.  Not only do I include my real name up on top, but now my mother is writing comments using her real name.  In the past couple of months, I’ve made fun of, andor insulted companies, babies, Mormons, bagel shops, and the city of New York.

In my last post, I even mocked the upcoming Indiana Jones film, which may hurt the feelings of Mr. Steven Spielberg himself — which is a real no-no here in Los Angeles.  That’s a shame because, one day, I’d like to work with the talented Mr. Spielberg, one of my idols.  I hope this doesn’t hurt my chances. 

Mr. Spielberg, the joke was in good humor.  I know Indiana Jones 4 will be a big success.  It wasn’t like I was making fun of "1941," probably your worst movie.  (Damn it!  Can’t I just shut up?!)

In his post, Jack gives this good advice to his fellow bloggers who may be worried about the effects of their blogs.

It is possible to blog from other places and to speak about the office, but you have to be careful with the details and specific information in your posts. Nothing profound there,  just common sense.

Smart.  Be careful with the details.  Be vague. 

I would now like to officially re-write my last post:

At a big gala for a sci-fi crazed movie producer with a beard,  our sources had a "close encounter" with another famous director/bearded guy, who said that the script for "Archaeologist Professor with the Hat 4"  is almost done.  A "witness" to the conversation said that the film’s leading man may have already chosen the woman who will be his love interest. So, who is it?   Details won’t be released for another "six days and seven nights," but we know right now.  So, what’s "the skinny?"   Well, after a few years of raising her adopted Chinese baby, Dan-Sing, she’s decided it’s time to return to Hollywood.  But don’t worry, mothers, she’s still very much in love with that "Dan-Sing baby." 

Russell Crowe Phones Home

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Russell Crowe was arrested in New York for allegedly throwing a telephone at a hotel employee early Monday morning, according to a police report obtained by CNN.

Authorities say the New Zealand-born actor, 41, was upset that he could not place a call to Australia on his phone at the Mercer Hotel in SoHo.  (via Martinis, Persistence, and a Smile)

I did a little searching if I could find any more details, but couldn’t.   I’ve never actually seen anyone throw a phone at anyone, so I was curious about the details.

I made up two possible scenarios:

Russell calls room service and an attendant, a young Indian-born man, come to his room.  Russell starts screaming about the phone not working right.  The attendant says he’ll speak to management right away and Russell rips the phone from the wall and says, "here’s your fucking phone!" and throws it at his head.

OR

Russell goes to the front desk, a scowl on his face, upset that Cinderella Man isn’t doing very well at the box office.  The attractive girl at the desk, a NYU film student from New Jersey,  is excited to meet the actor. 

"Can I help you, Mr. Crowe?" she asks. 

"What the fuck is wrong with this hotel!" he screams. 

He reaches behind the desk and lifts up the telephone to show it to her. 

"Do you know what this is?!" 

"A telephone?" 

"That’s fucking right!" 

And then he throws it at her head.

UPDATE:  It’s now later in the day and more information is out.  The clerk was a male.   Robin Baum, Crowe’s publicist, spins it like this:

"Frustrated by a clerk’s unwillingness to help him put through a phone call to his family in Australia, Russell Crowe was involved in a minor altercation at the Mercer Hotel earlier this morning… After asking the front desk several times to replace a faulty phone in his room — and getting only attitude from the clerk on duty — Crowe brought the phone down to the front desk in an effort to address the situation in person. Words were exchanged, and Crowe wound up throwing the phone against the wall.  He regrets that he lost his temper, but at no time did he assault anyone or touch any hotel employee."

Ok, now it’s been cleared up.   He only threw the phone against the wall, something we all do at a Holiday Inn every once in a while.

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