I’m getting a real kick from reading tweets and blog posts about BlogHer. So many women are anxious about the conference! Women are worrying about looking fat. Women worrying about being ignored. Women worrying about cliques. Women worrying about standing by themselves while everyone else squeals with joy and dances in a conga line.
What a relief. I don’t have to worry AT ALL. I’ve been blogging for almost five years. I know tons of people in this personal blogging arena. I am a man at a woman’s conference. People like me. They like my blog. I have been invited to parties. My biggest problem will be finding the time to talk to all the bloggers who seem to think I am the cat’s meow! I am feeling so confident and sexy about this event that I laugh at the anxiety at the others. How silly you are! What worrywarts! It’s a stupid blogging conference. Grow up.
But the laugh is a nervous one. Because I know.
God help me if I was a blogging newbie. A Mack truck could not drag me to a blogging conference. I wouldn’t know what to do there. I would either bite my tongue or chatter endlessly like my mother does when she gets nervous. I would latch onto one person and spend the whole weekend talking to that person. Or, more likely, I would retire to my room early and watch TV. I would then mock you as a bunch of assholes.
Over the years, I have wimped out of attending many real-life parties and events out of fear of being exposed as unimportant or a loser or not successful enough. I didn’t go to my high school prom. I was afraid of asking the girl. I didn’t go to a networking event just LAST WEEK because I was insecure about meeting someone from school who just got a big movie deal. I am not a brave person.
Of course, I do not want to show you that part of my personality. I want you to think of me as confident. And — I’m excited about going to Chicago. Things will be different there. Beautiful women, popular women, extremely intelligent women all want to meet ME! Some newbie is going to ask a friend, “Who is that?” and her friend is going to answer, “That’s Neilochka! I would go say hello to him but he probably doesn’t want to talk to someone like me when Redneck Mommy is practically bowing at his feet like a Canadian Geisha girl.”
I am looking forward to that.
BlogHer is going to be a breeze for me. Blogging has been good for me because it lets me write my way into your consciousness, allowing me to use my creativity to get into your pants. This assertive part of me is becoming more and more a part of my real life, but change is slow. I’d still rather chat on Twitter than go to a bar by myself.
I have never been to an event before where I will be known by so many people — even before I walk into the room. While I won’t exactly be Tom Hanks of the blogging world, I will at least be the Richard Simmons of the blogosphere, known by name by at least 168 people. It does not require any bravery on my part to attend BlogHer. I am way more impressed by the new blogger who walks into this viper’s den without knowing one single person. You are a better man (or woman) than me.
Good luck to you nervous newbie! Maybe we will get to talk together. Maybe not. But I will tell you one thing. If I see you standing by yourself, biting your nails, drinking a beer and making believe you are enjoying yourself when you aren’t, I suggest that you… well, I don’t know what to suggest. Do something crazy? Expose yourself? Throw a drink in someone’s face? Whatever. I know that I won’t be looking down on you and your anxiety.
Because I know.