I’m getting a real kick from reading tweets and blog posts about BlogHer.Â So many women are anxious about the conference!Â Â Women are worrying about looking fat.Â Â Women worrying about being ignored.Â Â Women worrying about cliques.Â Â Women worrying about standing by themselves while everyone else squeals with joy and dances in a conga line.
What a relief. Â Â I don’t have to worry AT ALL. Â I’ve been blogging for almost five years.Â Â I know tons of people in this personal blogging arena.Â Â I am a man at a woman’s conference.Â Â People like me.Â Â They like my blog. Â I have been invited to parties.Â Â My biggest problem will be finding the time to talk to all the bloggers who seem to think I am the cat’s meow! Â Â I am feeling so confident and sexy about this event that I laugh at the anxiety at the others.Â Â How silly you are!Â Â What worrywarts! Â It’s a stupid blogging conference.Â Â Grow up.
But the laugh is a nervous one.Â Â Because I know.
God help me if I was a blogging newbie.Â Â A Mack truck could not drag me to a blogging conference.Â Â I wouldn’t know what to do there. Â I would either bite my tongue or chatter endlessly like my mother does when she gets nervous.Â Â I would latch onto one person and spend the whole weekend talking to that person. Â Â Or, more likely, I would retire to my room early and watch TV.Â Â I would then mock you as a bunch of assholes.
Over the years, I have wimped out of attending many real-life parties and events out of fear of being exposed as unimportant or a loser or not successful enough. Â I didn’t go to my high school prom. I was afraid of asking the girl. Â Â I didn’t go to a networking event just LAST WEEK because I was insecure about meeting someone from school who just got a big movie deal. Â I am not a brave person.
Of course, I do not want to show you that part of my personality.Â I want you to think of me as confident.Â Â And — I’m excited about going to Chicago.Â Â Things will be different there.Â Â Beautiful women, popular women, extremely intelligent women all want to meet ME!Â Â Some newbie is going to ask a friend, “Who is that?” and her friend is going to answer, “That’s Neilochka! I would go say hello to him but he probably doesn’t want to talk to someone like me when Redneck Mommy is practically bowing at his feet like a Canadian Geisha girl.”
I am looking forward to that.
BlogHer is going to be a breeze for me.Â Â Blogging has been good for me because it lets me write my way into your consciousness, allowing me to use my creativity to get into your pants.Â Â This assertive part of me is becoming more and more a part of my real life, but change is slow. Â Â I’d still rather chat on Twitter than go to a bar by myself.
I have never been to an event before where I will be known by so many people — even before I walk into the room.Â Â While I won’t exactly be Tom Hanks of the blogging world, I will at least be the Richard Simmons of the blogosphere, known by name by at least 168 people.Â Â It does not require any bravery on my part to attend BlogHer.Â Â I am way more impressed by the new blogger who walks into this viper’s den without knowing one single person.Â Â You are a better man (or woman) than me.
Good luck to you nervous newbie! Maybe we will get to talk together.Â Â Maybe not.Â Â But I will tell you one thing.Â Â If I see you standing by yourself, biting your nails, drinking a beer and making believe you are enjoying yourself when you aren’t, I suggest that you… well, I don’t know what to suggest.Â Â Do something crazy?Â Â Expose yourself?Â Â Throw a drink in someone’s face?Â Â Whatever.Â Â I know that I won’t be looking down on you and your anxiety.
Because I know.