Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Blaming Others for My Cold

I am sick with a cold.  And it sucks.  And I feel miserable.  And I feel like lashing out at whoever or whatever made me sick.  Cause I am a big baby and I am a mean-spirited person.  So, here is my short list of the most logical culprits.  I curse you all!

1)  That red-haired kid near the dinosaur exhibit at the Museum of Natural History on Saturday who kept on coughing in my face, and the mother who was too busy with her Blackberry to notice or care.  Children should not be allowed in museums.

2)  New York City.  That’s right, the whole damn city.  I never got a cold in Los Angeles.  I’m in New York a few months, and BAM!

3)  That empanada place in Jackson Heights that I went with Astrogirl.  They didn’t have a restroom.  Did the cooks even wash their hands?

4)  HotBabesTakingOffTheirBras.com.  Too much porn watching lowers the immune system, making you more susceptible to catching a cold.

5)  My mother.  Yes, I am including dear ol’ Mom on the list.  She is the one who told me that it was time to wear “my winter coat already,” and I was so hot outside wearing this behemoth jacket built for Eskimos in Antarctica that I took it off and went around coat-less on Friday in the cool Fall weather.

6)  The blogging community.  You made fun of me for owning and wearing a jean jacket, saying it was too 80’s, so I didn’t wear it, out of shame, and ended up listening to my mother and wearing that hot, oversized parka.   If you would have kept your mouths shut, I might have avoided the whole situation.

7)  The motley crew of passengers who travel on the F train from Manhattan to Queens at 1AM.  I mean MOTLEY.

8)  The recent Chinese immigrants in downtown Flushing.  I hate to point my finger at any one ethnic group, but who else can we blame for the Hong Kong flu?  It isn’t called the Swedish flu, right?

9)  The four women who play mahjong with my mother. This week my mother hosted the game in her apartment.  Who knows what type of kinky lifestyles these strange women in their sixties and seventies lead on the outside?  Also, mahjong — Hong Kong Flu again?

10)  French kissing that sexy Hungarian supermodel at the nightclub.  (Oh right, that was just in my dream.  Skip that one)

11)  McDonald’s.  Just walking in there is enough to make anyone sick.  And this Flushing franchise across the street is so cheap, they only give you one napkin.

42 Comments

  1. I have a cold too. Your cold virus is probably some mutated supervirus only found in FLUSHING that will never die and grow to freakishly large and lethal numbers in the subway stations. I’m sure mine is a polite Southern virus that won’t stay too long. I’m going to be give mine tea and honey and chicken soup and make small talk with it and then send it on its way. Be nice, Neil. Your anger is making your cold stubborn.

  2. Having online sex will give you a cold every single time too! As will a talking penis. Really, with a lifestyle like yours it’s hard to avoid!

    If it makes you feel better it’s in the 90’s to 100’s here, we’ve got Santa Ana winds, and no one can breathe due to wind-induced allergies.

    We have a BIGAMIST in Money Town & I just found out! I wrote about him today. I hope you’ll have time to come visit Neil. I think a bigamist is something you’d be interested in!

    Feel better!

  3. Break out your neti pot and use it at least once a day. Take a some vitamin c, drink plenty of fluids and will your cold away- pretend like it isn’t even there. That usually works for me.

    But if for some reason it doesn’t work for you, you can always go back to bitching and moaning about how sick you are.

    Feel better soon, darling. xoxo

  4. You said that your mother hosted the mah-jong game in her apartment. You didn’t say our apartment. This is a good sign.

  5. since moving to ny, i’ve become a completly paranoid germaphobe. i think it’s the subways. there’s no way to escape a cough or sneeze. everytime it happens i wince and know i’ll be sick within days 😉 and you you think the F train is shady? try the D to harlem at 4am….shady!

  6. Why is it always the red-haired children causing these problems? All the poor red-headed children of the world get blamed for everything… 😉

    I totally agree on the McDonald’s issue.

  7. I can’t even drive past a McDonald’s without feeling sick. I think that’s your culprit right there.

  8. another good reason to never visit new york. who cares that it would be an experience of a lifetime…i don’t want to get sick!

  9. 24 at Heart — Sorry, too weak to read about bigamists today.

    Jill — Isn’t Ronald McDonald a red head? Case closed.

    Headbang — I was thinking of your reaction when I wrote that!

    180/360 — Neti pots are gross.

    Natalie — No, come to NY. Just don’t go into museums, the subway, or Queens.

  10. Now you know the mental anguish of PMS. I hate everybody for at least two days out of every month.

  11. Suck it up, you big baby! We all have a cold in the city right now. Do you think you are special somehow? 😉

  12. I’m gonna go with the kid in the museum. Kids are notoriously germy.

  13. I hope I don’t catch your cold by reading this. Now I must get the wipes to clean off the keyboard.

  14. Aw. Hope you feel better soon. Order up some chicken soup. But you men…just can’t seem to handle illness very well. What’s up with that?

  15. I have a miserable cold too. I think it’s important to assign blame for everything not good in my life. Just ask my husband. I believe I got this cold from a yoga mat.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  16. LisaB – Maybe you are the one spreading the germs around!

    Balou — Men are babies.

  17. i think it’s the railing lickers. they’re everywhere. at least that’s what my mom used to tell me.

  18. Awww. I just got over a cold that hung on for 2 weeks, so I feel your pain. I only had one thing to blame: flying.

    I hope you feel better very soon.

  19. Wait. Wearing a jean jacket is too 80s? Damn, and I thought the only thing still too 80s about me was my big hair.

    Get well soon!

  20. Germs are my friend… I think perhaps you should EMBRACE the germ hosting locations!

  21. Parents, for the love of all that’s holy, teach your kids to cough into their sleeve, circa the elbow. It’s not so hard…

    I’m with Jill…sure, blame it on the red-head.

  22. Whew. Fortunately, I have to dye my hair now, so the red is gone. But, my red-headed son definitely spreads his share of germs, so sure, blame it on red-headed kids. Actually, just kids in general.

    Feel better soon.

  23. I had a cold and I haven’t gone to any of the places you’ve been to, I don’t know your mother or her friends, and I don’t look up porn on the computer (okay, there was that one time, but it was totally an accident), so I wonder how I got sick. I’m going to have to go with my kids… since they’ve started school, it’s like living with carrier monkeys.

  24. ” I mean MOTLEY” you are so Vince Neil, man

  25. Hey, I have a jean jacket and I wear it often, so I was not one of the bloggers that caused your cold and told you not to wear it. :-).
    Feel better Neil! XOXO

  26. Alright… Ol’ Ronnie McDonald combines the red-head and McDonald’s evil into one ultra-evil entity.

  27. Hey, if your mother ever needs a fifth for her mah jongg game, call me!

  28. Hope you are feeling better, soon, bubehla. Why isn’t your mother making you some Jewish penicillin? With Matzoh dumplings?

  29. If you are going to blame me for your cold then I blame you for giving it to me first.

  30. You’re so right. Kids should never be allowed in museums. They aren’t there for education or anything. lol

    Loved this post. Wait, maybe that’s too happy for you… This post sucked donkey balls. Now. Feel better?

  31. ok…i know this has nothing to do with picking up a cold in some random place, but i have to say i am so sad that i missed the comments on your last two posts! the posts showed up on my reader so i was quite interested to see what comments you were referring to when you said that some people had issues. since you deleted the posts i guess i’ll never know. sigh. i always miss out on the good stuff!

  32. You should get sick more often. That was damn funny.

  33. As one of your unhip, younger readers, I say wear that jean jacket with gusto! It is not too 80s!

    Recommendation: Don’t wear it with jeans.

  34. i’ve had a terrible cold for the last couple of weeks, nothing seems to work to get rid of it, it’s getting better, but still not completely gone. if it weren’t for my feeling like crap, i would have made my own soup.

  35. OOOkkkkkaaaaaaay just ew to #3.

    Also, I hear from a reputable source *coughtheamateurgourmetcough* that second ave deli’s matzoh soup will cure what ails you.

  36. Good news. My mother’s chicken soup mostly cured me!

  37. Now I know why I have been sick, sitting in Burger King while a woman walks past coughing her lungs up all over everyone!

  38. There’s nothing like people sneezing when they are sitting behind you, or near you at a restaurant.

    Hope you’re feeling better soon! Me, I’ve just become resigned to the post-nasal drip.

  39. Colds are spread by agents serving anti-chicken interests.

    As I go about my day, I like to carry one of those dust masks that you wear on your face with me. Not for myself, but rather to sneak up behind coughing people in the grocery store and put it on them, forcibly if I need to. They’re in no fit state to fight back anyway, what with being sick.

    Criminal? Maybe. But I consider myself a vigilante.

  40. You’re blaming your mother?! What a farshtinkener putz! Your own mother! You should horsewhipped, preferably with a Clydesdale, you bum! The idea!

  41. There are no Eskimos in Antarctica. They are in “Arctica” — otherwise known as Canada. And we call them “Inuit” now.

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