Still in my quest to write realistic “female” dialogue, I experimented with this exchange between two female bloggers. I think the dialogue sounds authentic, which is important, especially with Sex and the City being successful at the box office. As a screenwriter, I need to know how “real” women speak.
Jenny and Sarah, both hip, attractive, thirty-somethings, are sitting in a Soho cafe. Jenny has her laptop open and is reading something, totally absorbed.
Jenny: “My god. Have you seen Neil’s new post?”
Sarah: “Not yet.”
Jenny: “You need to look at this. Now.”
Jenny excitedly turns the laptop around. The page is on “Citizen of the Month.” Sarah is mesmerized.
Sarah: “Is that him… without his shirt on?!
Sarah: “Hawt! Remember I told you that I was having dreams about giving him oral sex in my kitchen.”
Jenny: “I know. I have that same dream every night myself.”
Sarah: “Now, I want to DO him in every room of the house.”
Jenny: “I hear you, Sarah. I think I just wet myself imagining what I could do with excellent piece of manliness.”
Sarah: “Oh, Jenny, you’re making me hungry. And not for this Chinese Chicken Salad with low-fat dressing that I ordered. For a Neilochka sandwich.”
Jenny: “I bet you he’s not wearing pants in that photo.”
Sarah: “Of course he’s not. And I bet you his… his… thing… is as hard as Teddy Roosevelt’s mustache on Mount Rushmore.”
Jenny: “We’re never going to know. He cut the photo off at the waist. He’s so f**king mysterious. And dangerous.”
Sarah: “Hold on… uh, I just had an orgasm. And it’s not even twelve-thirty in the afternoon.”
Jenny: “Maybe he IS wearing pants in that photo. I’m imagining some nice Dockers khakis, tapered just right. It would look so good on him with a nice white button down shirt, and slightly shorter haircut. Maybe Whoorl could help him.”
Sarah: “You could be right about him wearing pants. if he was aroused in this photo, you would see it.”
Jenny: “Amy from Momirific said it was three feet long.”
Sarah: “I thought that was an urban myth, but apparently Snopes said it was true.”
Jenny: “But who are we fooling, We’re never going experience the intense pleasure of a meaningless one-night stand with this co-dependent neurotic Jewish guy?”
Sarah: “That’s not true. He’s travelling to New York on Monday. Both Neil AND his Penis. They’re sitting in coach together. Now’s our chance.”
Jenny: “Really? Even to have three minutes of uncomfortable sex between the subway cars of the E train would be more exciting than winning ten million dollars in the Powerball lottery.”
Jenny: “He’ll be staying at his mother’s home. Just call him at 718-546-xxxx, and make the arrangement. Or you can leave a message with his mother at 212-723-xxxx. Just say that you are one of Neil’s blog readers and you’re interested in %$#@&*% him repeatedly while she is cruising in Alaska, or at least until he runs out of the pot roast that she is going to leave him in the freezer, wrapped in aluminum foil.”
Sarah: “But what about his wife, Sophia? Aren’t they still married?”
Jenny: “Well, technically they are. But get this… she has given him PERMISSION to SLEEP AROUND!”
Sarah: “That’s surprising. What exactly did she say?”
Jenny: “She said, “Neil, anyone who would sleep with you now is [REDACTED because it might put Sophia in a bad light, insulting the intelligence of some lucky female blogger].””
Sarah: “Woo-hoo! If it’s Ok with her… then I gotta go start shaving my legs and pubes.”
Jenny: “Forget it. Relax. When Neil takes off his glasses, he can hardly see anything in front of him. He’ll just think your pubes are your eyebrows.”
Sarah: “Perfect. I love men in glasses. One day, I hope to f*ck a completely blind guy. I won”t even have to put on makeup!”