the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Realistic Female Characters, Take Two

Still in my quest to write realistic “female” dialogue, I experimented with this exchange between two female bloggers. I think the dialogue sounds authentic, which is important, especially with Sex and the City being successful at the box office.  As a screenwriter, I need to know how “real” women speak.

Jenny and Sarah, both hip, attractive, thirty-somethings, are sitting in a Soho cafe.  Jenny has her laptop open and is reading something, totally absorbed.  

Jenny:  “My god.  Have you seen Neil’s new post?”

Sarah:  “Not yet.”

Jenny:  “You need to look at this.  Now.”

Jenny excitedly turns the laptop around.  The page is on “Citizen of the Month.”   Sarah is mesmerized.

Sarah: “Is that him… without his shirt on?!

Jenny:  “Yes.”

Sarah: “Hawt!  Remember I told you that I was having dreams about giving him oral sex in my kitchen.”

Jenny:  “I know. I have that same dream every night myself.”

Sarah:  “Now, I want to DO him in every room of the house.”

Jenny:  “I hear you, Sarah. I think I just wet myself imagining what I could do with excellent piece of manliness.”

Sarah: “Oh, Jenny, you’re making me hungry. And not for this Chinese Chicken Salad with low-fat dressing that I ordered. For a Neilochka sandwich.”

Jenny:  “I bet you he’s not wearing pants in that photo.”

Sarah: “Of course he’s not. And I bet you his… his… thing… is as hard as Teddy Roosevelt’s mustache on Mount Rushmore.”

Jenny:  “We’re never going to know.  He cut the photo off at the waist.  He’s so f**king mysterious. And dangerous.”

Sarah: “Hold on… uh, I just had an orgasm.  And it’s not even twelve-thirty in the afternoon.”

Jenny:  “Maybe he IS wearing pants in that photo. I’m imagining some nice Dockers khakis, tapered just right. It would look so good on him with a nice white button down shirt, and slightly shorter haircut. Maybe Whoorl could help him.”

Sarah: “You could be right about him wearing pants. if he was aroused in this photo, you would see it.”

Jenny:  “Amy from Momirific said  it was three feet long.”

Sarah: “I thought that was an urban myth, but apparently Snopes said it was true.”

Jenny: “But who are we fooling,  We’re never going experience the intense pleasure of a meaningless one-night stand with this co-dependent neurotic Jewish guy?”

Sarah:  “That’s not true. He’s travelling to New York on Monday. Both Neil AND his Penis. They’re sitting in coach together. Now’s our chance.”

Jenny: “Really?  Even to have three minutes of uncomfortable sex between the subway cars of the E train would be more exciting than winning ten million dollars in the Powerball lottery.”

Jenny:  “He’ll be staying at his mother’s home. Just call him at 718-546-xxxx, and make the arrangement. Or you can leave a message with his mother at 212-723-xxxx. Just say that you are one of Neil’s blog readers and you’re interested in %$#@&*% him repeatedly while she is cruising in Alaska, or at least until he runs out of the pot roast that she is going to leave him in the freezer, wrapped in aluminum foil.”

Sarah: “But what about his wife, Sophia? Aren’t they still married?”

Jenny:  “Well, technically they are. But get this… she has given him PERMISSION to SLEEP AROUND!”

Sarah: “That’s surprising. What exactly did she say?”

Jenny:  “She said, “Neil, anyone who would sleep with you now is [REDACTED because it might put Sophia in a bad light, insulting the intelligence of some lucky female blogger].””

Sarah: “Woo-hoo! If it’s Ok with her… then I gotta go start shaving my legs and pubes.”

Jenny:  “Forget it. Relax. When Neil takes off his glasses, he can hardly see anything in front of him. He’ll just think your pubes are your eyebrows.”

Sarah:  “Perfect. I love men in glasses. One day, I hope to f*ck a completely blind guy. I won”t even have to put on makeup!”

37 Comments

  1. ingrid

    yes. this is exactly how i talk. all of the time.

  2. Caron

    “The Intense Pleasure of a Meaningless One-night Stand with this Co-dependent Neurotic Jewish Guy” I think that’s the title of a Harlequin Romance I read in high school.

  3. Karen Sugarpants

    Real women do not say “oral sex” in that context. We say blow job. 🙂

  4. better safe than sorry

    keep working on it, not quite there yet, although i bet the part about the pot roast in the freezer is bang on.

  5. V-Grrrl

    The last line of this is THE most authentic.

  6. brettdl

    Amazing.

  7. natalie

    oh dear lord. and your mother reads your blog. i have to wonder what she thinks about all of this!

    on the other hand i could be jealous of your mom. my mom knows about my blog, but she says she doesn’t read it. she says i already talk to much and that reading my blog would just subject her to more of my useless drivel. um…should i be offended?

  8. Memarie Lane

    Oh wow, this is so much better. All I ever think about is performing oral sex on anyone with a penis, and when I’m not thinking about that I’m thinking about penises and the dimensions thereof.

    And you wonder why women think all men are raging hornballs!

  9. Avitable

    It’s like I’m stepping into a conversation between two women. It’s uncanny.

  10. Sarah

    Bahahaha!

    Oy vay.

  11. Rattling the Kettle

    I KNEW IT!!!

    😉

  12. Karl

    I’ve gotta tell you, if I hadn’t read the title of this post, I would have thought this was a direct transcript between two women!

  13. Roadchick

    Jenny: “I hear you, Sarah. I think I just wet myself imagining what I could do with excellent piece of manliness.”

    Um.
    I don’t know that I’ve ever peed on myself in excitement over a guy.

    Gotten wet – yes.
    Wet myself – no.

    But, I guess, for some guys . . . toMAto, toMAHto

    😉

  14. Lynda

    Sounds like normal lunch conversation to me.

  15. churlita

    Too funny, but If I could have an orgasm just thinking about a guy, I’d never get anything done.

  16. Miss Britt

    Epic FAIL Neil.

    And do you know why?

    Because you assumed the blow job wasn’t as big a deal as the sex. Which is completely opposite of how women think.

    You need a female editor is all. 🙂

  17. Neil

    Natalie — I think my mother would say “whatever makes you happy…”

    I also blame her for being in therapy.

  18. Annie

    :-). You are special Neil, yes, you are.

  19. mp

    girl terms:
    Blow that
    wet myself
    creaming in my jeans
    so do that
    just came
    trim the bush

    You are getting better though.

  20. John

    You’re a dead sexy bitch Neil…making all the girls so randy. Yeah, baby, YEAH!! Please send MoJo.

  21. Noelle

    these posts are starting to convince me that I’m really a man.

  22. red lotus mama

    Classic, thanks, I needed that!

  23. HeyJoe

    Neil,
    Thank you for painting women in such an accurate light. I found this extremely educational, not to mention erotic.

    In fact…”uh,” I just had an orgasm.

  24. Five Husbands

    If you are going for realism, then you must clarify, especially for Karen Sugarpants, that the women in your scene are non-Jewish women since neither the words or the act pass the lips of any self respecting Jewish woman.

    Ever.

  25. Not Fainthearted

    This clarifies so much.

  26. Katherine

    Are these women being sarcastic? If so, it’s good.

  27. Neil

    Thank you for the encouragement on my writing. It just goes to show that if you have a good subject matter, the dialogue just flows easily.

  28. stepping over the junk

    you’ll go far with female dialog. I talk like that on the phone with all my girlfriends, every day. Sometimes we even IM like that.

  29. anymommy

    Well, at least you made them thirty-something. If your fantasy conversations involved all twenty-something blonds, I’d be offended and such.

    Interesting too about the last line. I never use f— like that, as intended, as a verb. Crude. Adjective, yes. F*ing jerk. F*ing traffic. Absolutely. But, when I see it used in it’s original sense, I cringe. Huh?!

  30. spedlaw2

    Hi,

    I just voted for your blog for Bloggers Choice Awards.

    Could you return the favor at:
    http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/21620

    Thanks,

    SpEdLaw2

  31. Mattie

    I never say “wet myself.” I always “tingle in that special place.”

    But as a woman, I can break that whole conversation down into a much shorter version:

    Jenny: Sarah, go read Neilochka right now and tell me what you think.

    Sarah: Yeah, I’d do him and he wouldn’t have to wait until his birthday to get the “special stuff” either.

    Jenny: For sure.

  32. Neil

    Mattie: I’m a firm believer in saying thinks concisely. Thanks.

    AnyMommy – Oddly, I never use the word the other way. If f**king is supposed to be a good thing, why would I say that about the traffic?

  33. ManlyMan

    *Cue scary music*

    Frank: We gotta take him out.
    Tony: How we gonna do that, Frankie?
    The guy is always surrounded
    by women.
    Frank: That’s the problem right there,
    Tony. He ain’t leavin’ nothin’
    for us average blogger schlubs.
    Tony: Maybe Sophia will help us.
    Frank: Yeah! He probably never hooked
    up the WII.

  34. Postmodern Sass

    If you want to learn to write realistic dialogue, hang out in bars — or coffee shops, or on trains or buses — with a notebook, and listen. Even when people notice the person with the notebook, it never occurs to them that you’re writing down what they’re saying. I always have a notebook handy when the phone rings, too. You always think you’re going to remember, later, the funny things the other person said, but you don’t.

  35. Neil

    Manly — Frank? Tony? Is the the Rat Pack?

  36. Pumpkin

    “Sarah: “Perfect. I love men in glasses. One day, I hope to f*ck a completely blind guy. I won”t even have to put on makeup!””

    Why is that men always tell you that you are prettier without makeup after you are officially dating? Is a plot to keep you ‘ugly’ so no other guys will want their woman? 😉

  37. HeyJoe

    She’s on to us fellas.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial