Every day, I receive an email from a different male blogger, always with the same complaint, “No women ever read my blog. How do you get so many hot chicks to read Citizen of the Month?”
Men, take note. This is the most important post that you will ever read. My female readership is no accident. It took years of experimentation and market research. Most men make one major mistake when wooing a woman online: they act as if they are wooing themselves.
Here are three common ways that men act online, thinking they are impressing women. Contrast these loser techniques with the NEILOCKA METHOD of successfully wooing a female blogger.
BAD TECHNIQUE 1
Write a post about how many “followers” you have on Twitter.
C’mon. Seriously. Who gives a sh*t? Think about what women REALLY want –
NEILOCHKA’S SUCCESSFUL TECHNIQUE 1
Write a post about exotic sandwiches at an imaginary deli where no one gains any weight.
BAD TECHNIQUE 2
Message a cute mommyblogger, telling her that despite having three children, she still has amazing tits.
Women today do not like to be thought of as “a pair of tits.” They are educated individuals who work hard on their careers and raising their children.
NEILOCHKA’S SUCCESSFUL TECHNIQUE 2
Message a cute mommyblogger, asking about her work and her three children, remembering each child’s name, and then telling her that despite having three adorable children — Aaron Jr., Millie, and Martha — she still has amazing tits.
BAD TECHNIQUE 3
E-mail a photo of your penis, making sure it is shot from a low angle to make it seem the size of one of the Transformers.
Believe it or not, women hate this. It sends the message that in any relationship, you will always be more in love with your penis than her.
NEILOCHKA’S SUCCESSFUL TECHNIQUE 2
Show her what you can do for HER with your fingers based on your nerdy skill of Japanese Pen Twirling. Geeks rule!
Japanese pen twirling? I don’t want those fingers on my body.
Neil, what I really want to know is how do I get more men to read my artsy blog?
First comment, whoo! Okay now that I’ve got that out, it’s true…the pretend deli always works. No doubt.
I’ll read more if you use bad technique #3 on me.
you mean the schlong pic doesn’t work? i guess it’s just so damn scary, like you’re packing armadillos, just like in spinal tap.
the amazing tits like never fails, once you set it up properly. my wife, for instance, used it to snag me.
No wonder you get all the chicks!
I would comment, but you called me a slut last time.
Wow, who knew those Japanese men were so talented? If so, why is their birth rate still plummeting?
The only decent technique i saw that might benefit me or any other female.. was “index” It’s all in the wrist…and the quality of the circle.
Flailing fingers do nothing for me, and are frankly, DANGEROUS….We have tender bits too..ya know!!!!
Someone could truly get hurt with that pen.
Drats! I thought I was going to get to see your mad pen twirling skills.
And PS–I haven’t been your blog crush of the day lately, and that makes this mommyblogger so sad.
You’re pathetic and I feel sorry for you. That’s why I keep coming back.
Sorry. You’re getting your ass kissed enough. I had to balance it out.
xoxoxoxo
I am never, ever going to message you again!!!!!!!
You big schpiler!
Dude, I hadn’t really thought about it before, but you DO have some smokin’ readers. You should post a gallery or something.
Damn. I really want a sandwich now. Preferably with walnuts, honey, feta cheese and … ham on it. That’s exotic, right?
You had me at sandwich…
Hey, I liked the penis photo you emailed me.
I’ve been trying to get the ink out of my draws all week.
Wow, that was a rockin’ video. I’m pretty sure that’s the same song they use in the intro to “Hello Kitty.” Very smart marketing, inferring more pink into the post. Women love pink.
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We only visit to read about Sophia.
(Just kidding!)
I feel so cheated. I’ve not once received a picture of a wiener. The Internet totally owes me.
Dude. I’d have totally read you before this if you had emailed me and told me I had great tits.
Three kids later, I like to pretend my boobs don’t sag down to my ankles and resemble beaver tails.
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