the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

How to Get Hot Chicks to Read Your Blog

Every day, I receive an email from a different male blogger, always with the same complaint, “No women ever read my blog.  How do you get so many hot chicks to read Citizen of the Month?”

Men, take note.  This is the most important post that you will ever read.  My female readership is no accident.  It took years of experimentation and market research.  Most men make one major mistake when wooing a woman online:  they act as if they are wooing themselves. 

Here are three common ways that men act online, thinking they are impressing women.  Contrast these loser techniques with the NEILOCKA METHOD of successfully wooing a female blogger.

BAD TECHNIQUE 1

Write a post about how many “followers” you have on Twitter.

C’mon.  Seriously.  Who gives a sh*t?  Think about what women REALLY want —

NEILOCHKA’S SUCCESSFUL TECHNIQUE 1

Write a post about exotic sandwiches at an imaginary deli where no one gains any weight.

BAD TECHNIQUE 2

Message a cute mommyblogger, telling her that despite having three children, she still has amazing tits.

Women today do not like to be thought of as “a pair of tits.”   They are educated individuals who work hard on their careers and raising their children.

NEILOCHKA’S SUCCESSFUL TECHNIQUE 2

Message a cute mommyblogger, asking about her work and her three children, remembering each child’s name, and then telling her that despite having three adorable children — Aaron Jr., Millie, and Martha — she still has amazing tits.

BAD TECHNIQUE 3

E-mail a photo of your penis, making sure it is shot from a low angle to make it seem the size of one of the Transformers.

Believe it or not, women hate this.  It sends the message  that in any relationship, you will always be more in love with your penis than her.

NEILOCHKA’S SUCCESSFUL TECHNIQUE 2

Show her what you can do for HER with your fingers based on your nerdy skill of Japanese Pen Twirling.  Geeks rule!

21 Comments

  1. V-Grrrl

    Japanese pen twirling? I don’t want those fingers on my body.

    Neil, what I really want to know is how do I get more men to read my artsy blog?

  2. Shannon

    First comment, whoo! Okay now that I’ve got that out, it’s true…the pretend deli always works. No doubt.

  3. Ginormous Boobs

    I’ll read more if you use bad technique #3 on me.

  4. bookfraud

    you mean the schlong pic doesn’t work? i guess it’s just so damn scary, like you’re packing armadillos, just like in spinal tap.

    the amazing tits like never fails, once you set it up properly. my wife, for instance, used it to snag me.

  5. sizzle

    No wonder you get all the chicks! 😉

  6. LVGurl

    I would comment, but you called me a slut last time.

  7. teahouseblossom

    Wow, who knew those Japanese men were so talented? If so, why is their birth rate still plummeting?

  8. wendy

    The only decent technique i saw that might benefit me or any other female.. was “index” It’s all in the wrist…and the quality of the circle.

    Flailing fingers do nothing for me, and are frankly, DANGEROUS….We have tender bits too..ya know!!!!

  9. gorillabuns

    Someone could truly get hurt with that pen.

  10. MammaLoves

    Drats! I thought I was going to get to see your mad pen twirling skills.

    And PS–I haven’t been your blog crush of the day lately, and that makes this mommyblogger so sad.

  11. Non-Highlighted Heather

    You’re pathetic and I feel sorry for you. That’s why I keep coming back.

    Sorry. You’re getting your ass kissed enough. I had to balance it out.

    xoxoxoxo

  12. 180/360

    I am never, ever going to message you again!!!!!!!

    You big schpiler!

  13. Loralee

    Dude, I hadn’t really thought about it before, but you DO have some smokin’ readers. You should post a gallery or something.

  14. mary

    Damn. I really want a sandwich now. Preferably with walnuts, honey, feta cheese and … ham on it. That’s exotic, right? 🙂

  15. HRH @ June Cleaver Nirvana

    You had me at sandwich…

  16. savia

    Hey, I liked the penis photo you emailed me.

  17. Suzie

    I’ve been trying to get the ink out of my draws all week.

  18. Karl

    Wow, that was a rockin’ video. I’m pretty sure that’s the same song they use in the intro to “Hello Kitty.” Very smart marketing, inferring more pink into the post. Women love pink.

  19. Stacey

    We only visit to read about Sophia.

    (Just kidding!)

  20. Sarah Bellum

    I feel so cheated. I’ve not once received a picture of a wiener. The Internet totally owes me.

  21. Redneck Mommy

    Dude. I’d have totally read you before this if you had emailed me and told me I had great tits.

    Three kids later, I like to pretend my boobs don’t sag down to my ankles and resemble beaver tails.

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