the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Goodbye to Trash (The Lyrics)

Last night, I was watching poker on TV and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, when I received a call from Sophia.   She’s coming home ONE DAY EARLY.   Sunday, not Monday!

Joy.  Joy.   But —

F**k!  I was supposed to be cleaning rather than watching poker on TV.   I needed to get on the job. 

Of course, a half hour later, as I was throwing out three bags of garbage, I came up with a song to sing on my blog about cleaning the house.  

Now, it would be totally irresponsible to spend the time making an Mp3 of me singing the song when I had so much work to do.   Isn’t that why Sophia and I are having problems to begin with?  Shouldn’t I prove that I’m a responsible person?

But I guess I could just post the lyrics.  That doesn’t take more than five minutes to do.  And I won’t put up a photo to save time.  Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.  I think it is important to post something on Sunday when I actually get two readers.

Since Halloween is coming up, the song is sung to the tune of “Monster Mash.”

Goodbye to Trash

I was blogging in my house late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
The house was so dirty it was a shock
And Sophia was arriving at three o’clock

Goodbye to Trash
I threw out the trash
Goodbye to Trash
I was not being rash
Goodbye to Trash
It was out like a flash
Goodbye to Trash
I threw out the trash

I called all my friends from Hollywood
Getting all the help that I could
Leaving emails to all I could reach
“Please come down to Redondo Beach!”

Goodbye to Trash
I threw out the trash
Goodbye to Trash
I was not being rash
Goodbye to Trash
It was out like a flash
Goodbye to Trash
I threw out the trash

We washed the floor and the drapes
We went in the sofa and took out some old grapes
We threw out all the porno magazines
Cause this place was looking like Charlie Sheen’s

Goodbye to Trash
I threw out the trash
Goodbye to Trash
I was not being rash
Goodbye to Trash
It was out like a flash
Goodbye to Trash
I threw out the trash

Sophia, I know you’ll be here soon
That’s why I’m singing you this little tune
I can’t wait to pick up you at LAX
Maybe, if I’m lucky, we’ll even have…

Goodbye to Trash
I threw out the trash
Goodbye to Trash
I was not being rash
Goodbye to Trash
It was out like a flash
Goodbye to Trash
I threw out the trash

(and thank you, Charming but Single — I will buy flowers.  And not the cheap ones)


  1. Viscountess of Funk

    Hi Neil!

    Boy are you a genius. I’ll bet you’re nominated for a Grammy even though you never made it into the recording studio – it will be the award for the “Most Creative and Brilliant Song That Was Never Recorded Due To Separated Spouse’s Early Arrival at LAX.” (A new category.)

  2. Churlita

    How funny. Did you take all of your special magazines over to Charlie Sheen’s house? I’m sure he’d appreciate them and it’s always good to recycle things…

  3. Leesa

    Such talent:)

    Now I’ll have that tune in my head all day.

  4. Neil

    Oh, Viscountess, don’t worry. I will torture you soon with a recording. I consider myself a bit of a singer/songwriter ala James Taylor or Kenny Loggins.

  5. sandra

    I have to think that Sophia will appreciate the cleaning even more, since it’s accompanied by such a nifty (yes, nifty) little tune.

  6. Charming, but single

    Awesome song.

    And I’m your blog crush of the day when your wife comes home. Scandal!

  7. Charming, but single

    Oh, and yeah, you sure as hell better have some nice flowers for her. Like really nice. Let a gay man pick them out for you to make sure they are nice enough.

  8. Pearl

    Yay, Neil’s editor is almost back!

    Download Chicago’s “Wishing You Were Here” and tell Sophia you played it for the past few months…

  9. wendy

    dont get roses…get wild flowers with pussywillow branches..pun not intended..well maybe just a wee bit…

  10. better safe than sorry

    i actually had to read that LAX thing twice, cuz at first it didn’t dawn on me that it was L.A.X., it thought it rhymed with slacks, i had no idea what you were talking about.
    welcome back sophia!!!

  11. Amy K

    As much as New York shall miss Sophia, I am SO glad she is heading back to L.A. to see her hubby. I expect a post on the flowers you got and the champagne you drank. I like the Charlie Sheen analogy…I mean, he has been an on-again-off-again “junkie.”

  12. femme d'espoir

    I love it. Will you come sing for my students? I’ll dance the mash for you if you will!!

  13. Eileen

    Wasn’t there some really bad Happy Days episode where Ralph the Mouth did a rendition of Monster Mash? I can’t recall.

  14. kristen

    At that concert we went to last Friday at the Greek, the Oingo Boingo-ish band sang the original version of Monster Mash and then another favorite blogger used the original lyrics for the title to her post…..your lyrics are quite clever and maybe when you’re done ummmm, you can post the MP3 version of you singing this song.

  15. Linda Freedman (TherapyDoc)

    Thanks to you, neilochka, I can get that stupid Michael Jackson song OUT of my head, you know the one. . .The make you make me feel. you knock me off my feet.

    good luck!

  16. ms. sizzle

    oh! oh! i hope the reunion is fabulous!

    but don’t sing, ok neil? 😉

  17. jleeody

    Just think, if the writing thing falls apart you have a career in songwriting to look forward too!

    Good luck with Sophia!

  18. Sam

    When it’s time to clean, I get a little happy with tossing things in the trash. So I really appreciate your song. I’m glad to see you’ll be NaBloPoMoing; a familiar face in the sea of strange bloggers!

  19. V-Grrrl

    Oh Neil. Sigh. What to say.

    I’m glad you didn’t sing Simon and Garfunkel’s hit “Cecelia,” subbing in Sophia’s name.


    I see a duets CD, with you and various household cleaning instruments.

  21. treespotter

    and of course, it’s already monday evening here. Hope it’s good news?

    Happy Monday Neil!

  22. danielle

    classic. wish i could have heard it straight from the horses mouth. not that you’re a horse or anything. except maybe hung like one. or at least that is what your penis would like us believe.

  23. Blonde Vigilante

    Well, isn’t that just an evil way to have me singing all day long.

  24. K.Leigh

    I’m going to have “Monster Mash” in my head for the next 27 hours now.

  25. mrsmogul

    I have yet to take out the trash here at night. I am scared something is going to come out at me like the trash monster…woooooohooooo……….

  26. M.A.


    I am very proud of you for cleaning your apartment and getting ready for Sophia’s return.I think that you should also make some Challah bread.


  27. Monkey

    That was brilliant! And I join the others who curse you for installing this song on repeat in my brain.

  28. paintergirl

    so very clever!! That song is popular in my house. My son has started singing his own tune called the mama mash. Cheers Neil!

  29. melanie

    I do this all the time! Make up songs that while i am doing tasks… sighs. fun times.

    good luck with all!

  30. mmariem3

    I find music helps me clean faster. Hopefully you stayed out of trouble. 🙂

  31. introspectre

    You need to hear the Weird Al song, Trash Day. It’s on the Poodle Hat album, of course. You can hear a niblet of it, here:

  32. Nance

    Neil–If you don’t get it cleaned up in time, maybe this will help:

    Conciliatory Video

    Gee whiz, Neil. I didn’t know you remembered I even had a blog. Kiss kiss. Someday I’ll come to LA and…

  33. Scarlet

    That song is so underused. I like your version.

  34. Dagny

    I keep trying to do the song in with the right tune but the title led me elsewhere. Instead, I now have Scandal’s “Goodbye to You” stuck in my head. Thanks.

    By the way, I thought of you as I was reading Stix on the Beach. She has posted some videos from YouTube featuring Canter’s.

  35. Doctor Bean

    Well? We’re all holding our breaths here…

  36. Bama Girl

    Where do you find your inspiration? You are a genious! When I have writer’s block, I need to learn to look to my trash for ideas! Here’s hoping you and Sophia had a nice reunion!

  37. Paris Parfait

    Don’t quit your day job, Neil. However, perhaps you could make extra money writing cheesy lyrics for television commercials. Hope the reunion with Sophia was wonderful!

  38. mckay

    ..not having read the previous 38 comments, i just have to say (which may not be original)…

    i was singing the AAAwwww OOOOOooooos to your monster trash song.

  39. sarah

    Ha. Many days (weeks maybe) late; as I’ve been away. but definitely an enjoyable song, and I loved the cell phone fiasco! You need Sophia to be home! 🙂

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