the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

His Fiddler on Her Roof

fiddler2.jpg 

Tevye is in the kitchen blogging.  Golde comes in, wearing her nightdress.

Golde:  “Tevye, enough with the blogging.  It’s time to go to bed.  You have work tomorrow.  You’re not a rich man.”

Tevye:  “I know, Golde… I know… let me just finish this post about Israel.”

Golde:  “Tevye, what is it with every post lately being about the Jews?  You used to write interesting posts, about other subjects… like sex.”

Tevye:  “Hold on… hold on… another anti-Semitic comment on my last post.  I need to answer this jerk before I go to bed…”

Golde:  (singing)  “Tevye, do you love me?”

Tevye:  “What?”

Golde:  “Do you love me?”

Tevye:  “What kind of question is that?
(singing)  For all these years, I’ve been with you
Ate with you, laughed with you
Slept with you, blogged with you
After all these years, why talk about love now?”

Golde:  “Tevye, do you love me?”

Tevye:  “Of course I do!”

Tevye stands facing Golde, and guides her slowly to the floor.  He moves under her long nightdress, his beard gently rubbing her inner thighs.  Tevye guides his mouth to Golde’s pussy.  Golde moans as Tevye flicks his tongue inside, tasting her juices. 

Golde:  “Oh, Tevye, you’re always so good at making me come!”

Tevye:   “Tradition!  Tradition!”

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the MonthMy Entry to the Vanity Fair Essay Competition

50 Comments

  1. ellediem

    That’s just….wrong. But quite hysterical, and hot.

  2. Tara

    There you go – back to the gutter where it’s safer. It will be interesting to see what kind of political discussion erupts (ahem) out of this post.

  3. femme d'espoir

    “You’ve heard he has a temper. He’ll beat you every night.

    But only when he’s sober- so you’re all right!”

    Was going to quote, “Miracle of miracles” but thought that might be pushing it a bit.

    Thanks, Neil.

  4. modigli

    So this is what happens to the posts when the editor leaves town! 😉

  5. Heather

    i love your blog, but this is one is um, gross. sorry.

  6. Neil

    Gross?  Being a people pleaser is certainly a thankless job. Next up: photos of cute kittens. Jewish kittens, of course.

    And by the way, Tevye and Golde did have three daughters, so the scenario isn’t impossible. OK, maybe the blogging part.

  7. Brooke

    Jewish porn. It was inevitable.

  8. plain jane

    I’m blushing.

  9. Nance

    This is waaaay different than the production of Fiddler that I was in when I was in high school.

  10. kristen

    I feel dirty.

  11. Bre

    Ew! My father sings that song ALL THE TIME! Bad mental images! (But, as per usual, delightful post!)

  12. Alison

    Well. That was an unexpected ending!

  13. NSC

    Loved it. Not at all “gross.” It was just the thing to break the tension around here – LOL

  14. communicatrix

    Oy, is Sophia gonna be *pissed*…

  15. Viscountess of Funk

    Neil:
    My cousin was in a FOTR production in high school. I was 8. I wonder what would have happened to me if that production went like your version. (Probably nothing, since by then I had read all my Dad’s hidden girly magazines).

    You need a woman. Soon.

  16. Viscountess of Funk

    Wow Neil! I just realized I’m your blog crush of the day!!! Thanks!

    If I do nothing else worthy of note today, it won’t be for naught!

    You love me, you really love me (bad Sally Field impersonation).

  17. Sarah

    Oy vay, is it hot in here?

    Loved it!

  18. the Yearning Heart

    Tevye and Golde had FIVE daughters. Everyone always forgets Bielke and Shpritze (sp?) because they didn’t get married.
    Sigh.
    I played Bielke once in summer school, is why I’m so bitter. I had three lines.
    Sigh.
    But I did remember what the Boys chorus sang in dress rehearsal:

    I hear they picked a bride for me
    I hope … she swallows.

  19. Jules

    Wow! I never knew Tevya was that kind of guy. No wonder Golde’s still around.

    (Nice switch from the political to pornographic!)*smile*

  20. akaky

    And Sophia’s been gone for how long already? A couple of days at most? Take a cold shower and think about something else, for chrissakes.

  21. Danny

    I don’t care what The Yearning Heart’s politics are or what she thinks of Israel, she gets my admiration for remembering Tevye’s youngest two daughters, even if she did spell Shrpintze’s name wrong. I’ve already written about “Fiddler” twice on my blog but one day I’d like to write an essay titled “Everyone always forgets Bielke and Shprintze.” Thanks, Yearning Heart, and shame on you, Neil!

    As Bielke and Shprintze sang:
    For papa, make him a scholar,
    For mama, make him rich as a king.
    For me, well, I wouldn’t holler,
    If he were as hung as anything!

    Ick, it’s clear that Jewish porn is not my forte, I leave that to you, Neil…

  22. berrie

    Bwwwwahahahhaha! your post and the comments!

  23. Non-Highlighted Heather

    The common misconception is that Hodel was digging on Perchik because of his revolutionary ideas, but actually she just wanted to go for a ride is his suhweeet Torino.

    Well put! Well put!

  24. Dustin

    Mazel tov on this one Neil, you’ll need it. =)

  25. madeleine

    bad boy,Neil. ( in a good way, obviously!)

  26. Mr. Fabulous

    Finally, I feel I can embrace the arts!

    It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me think.

  27. question girl

    oy vey – i’ll never be able to watch FOTR again w/o this image

    at least i dont need to watch ppv now

    thanks neil

  28. bella

    Oh. My. God. I. Will. Never. Be. Able. To. Watch. Fiddler. On. The. Roof. The. Same. Way. Again!

  29. Melissa

    As we segue into “If [he] were a rich man…”

  30. cruisin-mom

    Wow Neil, you’ve put Jewish men in a whole new light.

  31. Sarah Lynn

    Funny but your mind is in the gutter.

  32. Pearl

    Neil… “a blessing on your HEAD, mazel tov, mazel tov…!”

  33. Pearl

    BTW, Neil, I’m really trying hard not to imagine Harvey Fierstein and Rosie O’Donnell in your version of “Fiddler”!

  34. Bill

    Gee … miss a few days and I come back to this. Rather an odd post – a kind blog non sequitur. But perhaps I missed something. It wouldn’t be the first time.

  35. Steel and Sapphire

    I’ve always hated ‘The Fiddler’. At last someone has made it tolerable

  36. LisaBinDaCity

    Ewwwwww!

  37. better safe than sorry

    i guess this is the off broadway version.

  38. Lou P.

    You need to write uncensored like this all the time. In theatre terms: Bravo! Encore!

  39. nyr

    Or off off broadway–I like the unexpected….

  40. treespotter

    it does have some anti semite ring to it. you should be careful.

  41. Neil

    ???

  42. Jocelyn

    Well of course your mind is in the sewer, Neil! And I’m right there with you. *g*

    Oh, and thanks for the Bday wishes.

  43. Charming, but single

    AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA.

    Seriously.

  44. the Yearning Heart

    Gosh I hope treespotter is joking, or I won’t know what to believe anymore.

  45. Janet

    I feel as if I have been driving on a road and then suddenly, out of nowhere, the road takes a sharp turn.

    This post makes me feel that way.

  46. 2nd Pearl Past the Post

    Damn those censorers cutting that from the film version. lol.

  47. Heather

    agreed this must be the off broadway version, Neil. A little diversity is good eh? But it would be like Gilligan and the Skipper having a tryst. Some things just aren’t sexy, like your parents gettin it on.

  48. Neil

    Heather — I always assumed Gilligan and the Skipper WERE getting it on! (that whole ‘little buddy’ thing)

  49. laurie

    Gilligan and the Skipper were not special friends, but remember the time the professor got drunk off coconut wine and tried to get friendly with Gilligan? Or did it just seem weird to me?

    And I adore Jewish porn. They don’t call Neil “he-bro” for nothing.

  50. Nicole Criona

    I just saw Fiddler this weekend – how funny – i only wish i’d read this BEFORE i went…..

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