Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Devil Wears Converse

prada2.jpg 

Since I’m still in New York for the rest of the week, I decided to go into Manhattan for a job interview with Anna Wintour at Vogue Magazine.

Anna:  “So, Neil, how much experience do you have in the fashion industry?”

Neil:  “None. ”

Anna:  “None?”

Neil:  “Well, I did write two pieces about fashion.”

Anna:  “At which publication?”

Neil:  “It was on my blog.” 

Anna:  “I see.  Your blog.  And what were these “pieces” about?”

Neil:  “One of them was to call for a boycott of the fashion industry and the other was about some ridiculous jeans that revealed male pubic hair.”

Anna:  “And this is your ONLY experience with the fashion industry?”

Neil:  “Well, I read La Coquette.  I think she does something with fashion.  And a lot of female bloggers write about shoes, so I know a little something.  And Sophia has dragged me to a lot of stores where I’m bored out of mind.  Even Fictional Rockstar recently wondered on her blog, “Why do women torture men like that?”

Anna:  “Do you know who Jimmy Choo is?”

Neil:  “Of course.  Didn’t he played Bruce Lee’s adversary in “Five Fingers of Death?””

Anna Wintour sighs.

Anna:  “Do you usually come to an interview wearing torn jeans and a tee shirt that reads “I almost f***ked in a rowboat?””

Neil:  “I try to have my own style.”

Anna:  “And exactly why do you want to work for Vogue Magazine?”

My Penis interrupted me before I could answer.

Penis:  “Simple.  Have you seen the hot women who work here?”

Neil:  “Please, Penis, I’m in the middle of an interview.”

Penis:  “Neil, I just want to make sure that I’ll be comfortable working here.  Aren’t we a partnership?”

Neil:  “OK, Penis, go ahead.”

Penis:  “Ms. Wintour, I notice that most of the editorial staff  consists of women who are size 2 and under.  Do you have any women employees with a little more meat on them, maybe in the accounting department?  I prefer f***ing women with at least some tits and ass.”

Neil:  “Penis, can you act professional for once in your life?”

Anna:  “I think this interview is over.  How in the world did you ever think that Vogue would hire you as a fashion writer?”

Neil:  “Well, I saw this movie last night called “The Devil Wore Prada,” about a “serious journalist” young woman with stringy unwashed hair (but was a goddess after a fashion makeover) who got a job with a fashion magazine simply by walking in and mocking the the industry to the editor-in-chief’s face.  And this hard-to-believe movie was based on a hard-to-stay-awake-while-reading bestselling book that women just loved to read.  And the bestseller was based on the ungrateful writer’s own experience.  So, I figured, what do I have to lose?”

Anna:  “If I hire you, do you promise to write a roman a clef based on your negative experiences working here while portraying me as a crazed monster?”

Neil:  “Absolutely.”

Anna:  “You’re hired!”

34 Comments

  1. So you’re saying I shouldn’t see the movie, then?

  2. No, I liked the movie, even thought hardly anything happens of importance. And there was a scene in the Mayrose Restaurant, the exact same place I met Amanda the blogger. I almost jumped out of my seat and screamed to Sophia and my mother, “That’s where I met Amanda!” I told you she was trendy!

  3. Looking forward to the book and movie The Devil Wears Neil’s Penis. Should be a blockbuster!

  4. “hard-to-stay-awake-while-reading” is about right. And I’m pinning all my hopes for the movie on Meryl Streep, so she’d better step up.

    Of course, there’s always vodka afterwards if things don’t go well…

  5. I love Mayrose! It is a few blocks from my former job from where I was fired, those bastards.
    I found it my first week there and introduced it to my former co-workers who still work for those bastards.
    Yummy comfort food and great windows and almost everyone who works there is pretty.
    Oh, yeah, good luck at the new job. I bet you, like Anne whatshername, are secretly sexy, and a bit of a fashion icon yourself. And so naive! Oh, will you learn.

  6. That book was a page turner until it hit page 10 and then…it suddenly because torture.

  7. Reading Prada was like reading Michener: dull, but rich with historical data.

    I figured Hollywood would take the ball and run with it. I say a hearty thanks to you, your mom and Sophia for sparing me the agony.

    I wish you had thought to get a snap of Anna Wintour and your penis, though. That would have made a nice blog post.

  8. We saw it at the plush Arclight Cinemas where, as you know, an employee introduces each screening. He said that we were about to see a movie that was about Anna Wintour at Vogue Magazine. Oy, if only Wintour knew that in L.A. the movie is being presented as a documentary. On the other hand, who wouldn’t be thrilled to have Meryl Streep portray them and Streep is definitely the main reason to see the film, she is fantastic. She can say more in a sigh than most actors can in a Shakespearean soliloquy. As “chick flicks” go, “Devil” is WAY better than “The Lake House” which we saw on the 4th of July. What were we thinking? Keanu Reeves??

  9. I had previously thought of penis like Mr. Ed who only talked when he was alone with his owner. Glad to hear he’s not that way.

  10. Who knew? I wonder if I had a penis whether it would get me hired or not. Actually, I’m pretty sure that my vagina would to the trick, but for those instances where a vagine just won’t do…I would most definitely hope for a penis. Something like that.

  11. I thought after you said Jimmy Choo you were supposed to say “Bless You.”

  12. Did the oars get in the way?

  13. Non-Highlighted Heather

    July 6, 2006 at 9:46 am

    That was me, btw.

  14. i agree that anything Meryl Streep is in cann’t be bad. She can do no wrong.
    but if you want to see a movie that makes no sense go see Lake House.

  15. Yeah, there’s a movie that I think I can wait to see once it comes on Oxygen or something.

  16. Very clever Neil, especially since we’ve just walked in the door from seeing said movie.
    The fact that I was at the movies during the day with my husband sets the bar very low although I liked the movie too.

  17. I guess I’d run to the movie if I knew anything about fashion….I need some help in the whole girlie department.

  18. Well “The Devil” Wears Marc Jacobs and he just inked a deal with converse so actually the devil might wear converse soon.

    Trust me the movie was crap, I work in fashion and think it was crap

  19. I love you for so many reasons, but today it’s because you used “roman a clef” in a blog post. Who does that???

    Only the fabulous people. (Well, the fabulous people and their penises….)

  20. Communicatrix: “I wish you had thought to get a snap of Anna Wintour and your penis, though.”

    When I read that line the first time, I thought it said, “I wish you had thought to give Anna Wintour a slap with your penis, though.” Now *that’s* a way to close an interview!

  21. Your penis has horrible manners. (I could have made that into some pick-up line but I did not.)

  22. Did your penis write the piece about pubic hair jeans?

  23. Good lord I hated that movie. But I cannot resist Stanly Tucci or Adrian Grenier.

  24. You really should get control of that thing. It would be more fashionable, to say the least. Ha.

  25. Seriously

    Seriously

    funniest shit I have read all day.

    I like your penis’ honesty but in all fairness I am a size zero and have a great ass!

    all jokes aside – where can I get that shirt?

    P.S thanks for stopping by my blog 🙂

  26. I would much rather have read “The Devil In Neil’s Pants”- a DEFINITE “NYT Best Seller’s” title if I EVER heard one! Funny stuff! Thanks for that!
    ~Fab : )

  27. Maybe your penis could do commentary for the DVD? And maybe we could get a director’s cut, though I don’t know what that might be.

    Much as I like Meryl and Ann Hathaway’s smile, I just can’t imagine how anything related to the fashion industry could be interesting. I’d be more inclined to see The Devil Wears Caps, or something like that – a film about the dental industry.

  28. Everyone knows Tom Ford is the Devil, and he wears Gucci, not Prada.

  29. Haven’t seen the movie, but the book certainly had its amusing moments. But your post is better, Neil! Don’t waste your time with “Nuclear Winter.” Get busy with that expose on the fashion industry!

  30. I liked the movie – it was fun mindless matinee fare, but I went in with very low expectations.

    I’d rather see a movie about your penis writing fashion articles at Vogue (and convincing all the girls to gain weight), though.

    Now that’s entertainment!

  31. fanbloddytastic neil’s penis

  32. Oh, you do make me laugh.

    ps) I wear Converse. I hope this won’t be a problem.

  33. This book has never appealed to me, much like fetishizing fashion.

    But I’d watch Meryl Streep read the ingredients off the side of a cereal box, so I may have give in and sit through it. Though I’ll probably be thinking about your penis in the interview with Anna Wintour the whole time now.

    Which will probably improve the story.

  34. That is the funniest thing EVER. And p.s. Converse is cool, no matter what the devils say.

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