When times are tough, you sometimes take jobs you might not ordinarily sign on to. I don’t think of it as selling out. I think of it as making money. Here’s a Public Service Announcement I’m writing for a conservative think-tank:
Why Gay Marriage Should be Banned
VOICEOVER:
“Gay” activists want you to think that President Bush’s proposed Constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman is a way to brand “lesbian and gay men as inferior individuals.” This is absolutely untrue. President Bush deeply respects individuals of all cultures and orientations.
President Bush, like most Americans, wants to keep the concept of marriage strong.
As the President recently said on his radio address:
“Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and a wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society. Marriage cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening this good influence on society.”
Most Americans agree that marriage should be between a man and a woman.
And for good reason.
If we open up the idea of marriage to “same sex” marriage, we open up a Pandora’s Box. The concept of marriage will become completely diluted. It’s a slippery slope.
If two men can marry, what’s to stop a man from marrying a goat?
Think about it — is a man+goat marriage really the best way to raise children?
Let’s listen in, as this so-called “family” goes on a traditional summer road trip to see the wonders of Mount Rushmore.
FADE IN:
INTERIOR. CAR – DAY
A family is travelling on the highway to Mount Rushmore. The “family” consists of a husband, his wife (a goat), and their teenage daughter. There is tension in the car.
Husband: “…I know where I’m going. I can read a map.”
Wife: “Bleeeeh!”
Husband: “I’m not asking for directions. I know where I’m going.”
Wife: “Bleeeeh!”
Husband: “Sara, you’re giving me a headache. Let me drive.”
Daughter: “Daddy, I’m Bleeeeh!… hungry!”
Husband: “You’ll have to wait, Veronica. We’ll stop for a burger soon.”
Wife: “Bleeeeh!”
Husband: “Sara, enough with the goat cheese. I don’t care if you’re a vegetarian.”
Wife: “Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh!”
Husband: “@#%$@!!!”
Daughter: “Stop fighting! Stop fighting!”
Wife: “Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh!”
Husband: “@#%$@!!!”
Daughter: “I hate you! I hate you Bleeeeh!….both of you! I wish I had regular parents!”
Wife: “Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh! Bleeeeeh!”
Husband: “A divorce?! Again with this divorce?
Wife: “Bleeeeh!”
Husband: “My mother was right. I should have never married you. Why didn’t I vote for that Constitutional amendment years ago defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman! My life could have been completely different! I could have been happy!”
Wife: “Bleeeeh!”
BACK TO VOICEOVER:
Is this the America you really want? Do we really want men marrying men and men marrying goats?
Support President Bush and the majority of Americans in calling for the ratification of this essential amendment to our Constitution.
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: American Woman
Doesn’t sound that different from dialogue between many married men and women..
can’t…stop…laughing…oh…my…stomach…help.
No, no, NO! In the name of all that is holy, I do NOT want an America where men marry men and men marry goats.
I want an America where men marry men AND goats. Polybestialihomogamy. The revolution has begun!
I really like goats, but in your scenario, the goat is the wife, so does that mean goats can only be wives? Because if that’s the case, I’d have to be married to a goat AND be a lesbian. And that, I have to say, just doesn’t seem right.
Did I mention lately that this post is pure genius?
OK, French goat lesson, now that I have had the chance to look it up:
En français, le chèvre fait “bêêêêê”.
En outre, le chat fait “miaou”, l’âne fait “hi-han”, et le canard fait “coin-coin.”
Alors, répétez après moi….
I’m outraged that goats cannot vote.
Bush might actually be OK with the goat marraiges, since goats don’t know how to file for their partner’s social security or medicare benefits.
So he’s saying that it’s weird to marry a goat? (hides engagement ring in shame)
I’m slightly dubious as to where the man’s hand is in that picture. All I can say is, the goat looks blissed-out!
Did you ever see the documentary of the English woman who married her horse?
She had a special bed made and they wore matching pj’s. Very touching. The house was covered in shit, though. That just spoiled it for me.
If we are indeed banned from marrying…I’ll be forced to sneak goats into the back of the TomCat theatre on Santa Monica Bl. late at night. Sheesh.
BLEEEEEEEEEEEEH!is my word goats sound like MMMMLEEEEEEHHHH!!!anyway nd if im 4 gay marriages nd goat 1`s 2!!!(but im noy actually gay r goatual)
Marriage SHOULD ONLY BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!
SO ALL PPL WHO DIS AGREE WITH THAT WILL BURN IN HELL ONE DAY!
ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE!!!!
Well then, I’ll look forward to seeing you there
I am not a lesbian, nor a gay man, but I find you putting gays on the same level as a goat completely appaling. This is nothing but idiocy, and there is nothing even semi intelligent on this page.
Jessica – I wasn’t the one who equated gays with goats (well, I guess I did). I heard some commentator on the radio say that the institution of marriage would fall apart if gays married. “What would stop people from marrying goats?” he asked. I just took the idea one step forward and actually imagined what it would be like to marry a goat.
I have a feeling it probably wouldn’t work out. Although a lot of money would be saved on feta cheese.
Im just happy to be straight, i dont need to go through all these problems
Listen here you stupis asses. I am Bisexual and I don’t have the mind you stupid people do. I wouldn’t marry a goat, I would marry whomever i want. You don’t see us making fun I you. People like bush and whoever wrote this are the reason people become assholes. I happen to be very smart, I sixteen year going to college…so fuck u
Sorry, I ate Sarah’s brains before she got here.
this is perhaps the most blatant expression of typical American miseducation of the masses. Your comparison between gay marriage and marriage between a goat and a man is perhaps the worst argument standpoint i’ve ever seen on this topic. there is no comparison between the two. homosexuals are people too – animals aren’t. marriage is a human act, not an animalian one – idiot. you use humour to compensate for the lack of a proper argument. you and your supporters are a joke.
anyone that beleaives this is ignorant
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thes comments are just plain mean. i am 100% for same-sex marriage.
Really? that is not how every marrige goes. Straight married couples don’t always fight like that. And even if you are gay, no one is freaking forcing you to get married. Some people are just so dumb! Also, GAY people are NOT MINORITIES!!!! FWI!
i think gay marriage is fine its just people getting married like a husband and wife its just one difference its just a man and a man getting married or a woman and a woman getting married!!!!
Ahaha wow this post made me lol so hard! Not because of your little goat skit, which really wasn’t all that humorous, but at the fact I found yet another pathetic argument on the internet on why two people who are in love shouldn’t marry! Is this seriously the best come back you have to offer? Interspecies marriage? Is this supposed to be your idea of a joke? You’re obviously not educated enough on the situation if this is all you have to say. Get back to me when you actually have a legit argument, yeah?