Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Why Gay Marriage Should be Banned

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When times are tough, you sometimes take jobs you might not ordinarily sign on to. I don’t think of it as selling out. I think of it as making money. Here’s a Public Service Announcement I’m writing for a conservative think-tank:

Why Gay Marriage Should be Banned

VOICEOVER:

“Gay” activists want you to think that President Bush’s proposed Constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman is a way to brand “lesbian and gay men as inferior individuals.” This is absolutely untrue. President Bush deeply respects individuals of all cultures and orientations.

President Bush, like most Americans, wants to keep the concept of marriage strong.

As the President recently said on his radio address:

“Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and a wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society. Marriage cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening this good influence on society.”

Most Americans agree that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

And for good reason.

If we open up the idea of marriage to “same sex” marriage, we open up a Pandora’s Box. The concept of marriage will become completely diluted. It’s a slippery slope.

If two men can marry, what’s to stop a man from marrying a goat?

Think about it — is a man+goat marriage really the best way to raise children?

Let’s listen in, as this so-called “family” goes on a traditional summer road trip to see the wonders of Mount Rushmore.

FADE IN:

INTERIOR. CAR – DAY

A family is travelling on the highway to Mount Rushmore. The “family” consists of a husband, his wife (a goat), and their teenage daughter. There is tension in the car.

Husband: “…I know where I’m going. I can read a map.”

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “I’m not asking for directions. I know where I’m going.”

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “Sara, you’re giving me a headache. Let me drive.”

Daughter: “Daddy, I’m Bleeeeh!… hungry!”

Husband: “You’ll have to wait, Veronica. We’ll stop for a burger soon.”

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “Sara, enough with the goat cheese. I don’t care if you’re a vegetarian.”

Wife: “Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “@#%$@!!!”

Daughter: “Stop fighting! Stop fighting!”

Wife: “Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “@#%$@!!!”

Daughter: “I hate you! I hate you Bleeeeh!….both of you! I wish I had regular parents!”

Wife: “Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh! Bleeeeeh!”

Husband: “A divorce?! Again with this divorce?

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “My mother was right. I should have never married you. Why didn’t I vote for that Constitutional amendment years ago defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman! My life could have been completely different! I could have been happy!”

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

BACK TO VOICEOVER:

Is this the America you really want? Do we really want men marrying men and men marrying goats?

Support President Bush and the majority of Americans in calling for the ratification of this essential amendment to our Constitution.

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A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: American Woman

74 Comments

  1. I bleeeh love your bleeeh! Shall we bleeeeh? Bleeh! Bleeeeeh!

    Bleeh

    PS: Am 1st Bleeeh again. I should get a bleeeh for it!

  2. I do think it is unfortunate that the proponents of the marriage amendment can confuse the public discourse by inserting polygamy and bestiality red herrings.

    These issues can be separated. That the issue of one adult citizen being in love with another, and desiring to have the civil rights that government grants to two such citizens, is clearly distinct from polygamy. Support for this position may best be argued by the following that is taken from the book, Inside the American Couple, edited by Yalom and Carstensen:

    “One of the most fundamental urges of human existence is to form a pair. Something in us calls for another—friend, lover, companion, spouse. Or perhaps it is something not in us, some lack, some deficit, that hungers for completion. In the Symposium, Plato fancifully expressed this craving by having Aristophanes contend that the first humans were unseparated twins who, once they were split apart, pined away for the missing half.

    Sociobiologists assume that the search for a mate is propelled by an animal instinct to copulate. Human attachment theorists locate the source of adult pairing in the child-mother bond. Anthropologists look to the central importance of kinship systems in human cultures as an explanation for the universality of marriage. Political scientists understand marriage as an institutional means of assuring societal stability. Existentialists see the desire to merge with another as a way of attenuating a basic sense of isolation. Jews and Christians traditionally believe that marriage is ordained by God. Whether primacy is accorded to sexual, psychological, anthropological, political, existential, or religious factors, there is broad agreement that coupledom provides a viable answer to a basic human longing.

    Here we are at the dawn of a new millennium still cherishing the belief that being part of a couple represents some central part of being human. Individuals, despite gender and sexual orientation, continue to search for soul mates, to move in together, to vow to love each other, and, when legally allowed, to enter into marriages. Despite myriad modern tendencies that could render long-term couplehood obsolete (such as casual sex, cohabitation, and increase in divorce and single parenting), more than 90 percent of Americans marry at some time during their lives. However anxious we may be as a society in the face of dissolving marriages and dysfunctional families, individuals continue to place their hopes in the marital bond. They exchange public promises to remain together—for better, for worse, for a lifetime. And among those who do not marry, partnering is still very widespread; few people live through adulthood without at least one lengthy, intimate relationship.”

  3. How do you know the daughter will speak both languages? Is it because she grew up in a multi-cultural home?

  4. You had me worried for a minute there – we’ve all done things we don’t necessarily enjoy to pay the bills – until you got to the goat business. What a relief you were talking about a man and a goat, rather than working for Bush & Co.!

  5. Here we go with the lectures/disserattions and the Bush haters…
    Geez, it’s just a funny Neilochka piece.

    Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh!

  6. you americans and your bush. we’ve got gay marriage here, but no goats, as yet.

  7. It is so nice to see someone support bilingualism in the home.

  8. I think friendships should be Constitutionally limited to being between one man and one woman. That way the world will be filled with awesome amounts of sexual tension, just like on “Moonlighting.”

    SMOOCHES WILL ENSUE

  9. there’s an indian girl who married a cobra last week. 2000 people attended the wedding and the cobra never showed up.

    i’m guessing the risk is inherent really, and would be similar to a goat.

    although you can safely cage the goat.

    let’s not even talk sex. it’s very disturbing.

    i have to say that this will be the only time i agree with Mr. Bush

  10. I would be very interested in attending a man/goat wedding, but what the heck would I buy as a gift? Where would they register? Sporting goods stores? Farm supply stores? I wonder if goats can work a blender. Hhmmm…

  11. I wouldn’t think you’d find many women that would marry a goat… they’d always be trying to eat her clothes.

  12. I will say for a moment I thought, ‘Whoa, who is this guy? Why have I been reading him? Damn it! Now I have to stop. Oh, look he went the way of the goat. Thank god…’

  13. That is bleeeeehhhhhing hilarious!

    Have I told you, lately, that I love you(r site)?

  14. There is a GREAT column today by Lou Dobbs on cnn.com under the column of headlines about what a load of bs this is- don’t we have more important things to be dealing with right now than passing a marriage ammendment, say things like fixing our education system, Iraq, Afghanistan, largest national debt in history, gees, this list could go on and on so I will stop there. Well, I guess maybe it will bring me a little comfort that my Uncle Samuel can’t ever marry his llama, at least not legally, I wasjust holding on for 2008, but after reading Kennedy’s article on rollingstone.com about the fraud in 2004/Ohio, I’m wondering if we will ever have a legal election again. (If you haven’t read this article, please DO!)

  15. Non-Highlighted Heather

    June 7, 2006 at 8:24 am

    Brilliant commentary. It truly is one of the most asinine lines of reasoning.

  16. South Dakota. Where men are men, and goats are scared.

  17. That’s one fine lookin’ goat……

  18. Your list of tags for this post is HILARIOUS. It’s like one of those aptitude tests: “Point out which word does not belong in this set”.

  19. Since the goat in your story was a woman, I really don’t think the president would take issue with this union.

  20. Has the Republican party recruited you yet?

    *smirks*

  21. I just love how Bush and his conservative base are suddenly against activist judges and their decisions on gay marriage. If these same so called activist judges rule today on a complete abortion ban they would be dancing in the streets in support of it. The judges would be celebrated and considered heros and given future spots on the supreme court.
    The constitution of the United States of America was desigend to give people rights and liberties not prevent them. It truely would be a sad day in america to right a law into the constitution limiting the rights and freedoms of any citizen regardless of race or gender or sexual oriantation. Remember what the good book says LOVE THY NEIGHBOR.

  22. I may not be your blog crush, Neil, but on days like today…you are mine.

  23. Neil, you’re such a genius. A goat! that’s genius. If you were a goat, I’d marry you. Instead, I boat a goat-shaped vibrator and named it “Neilochka”. I turn it on and it hums, “Bleeeh… bleeeh…”
    Now I have to go tell Dooce what a genius you are.

  24. Nothing like a little satire to start the day. It makes me want to run out and re-read Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.”

  25. Highly disturbing, Neil 🙂

  26. I used to date her sister. I got rid of her because she wasn’t horny.

  27. Ladies don’t discuss politics.

    But a world more like Moonlighting? HOTT!

  28. Who was the poor sucker who lost the lottery and has his picture stuck on a blog, implying that he married a goat?

    Witty, witty Neil.

  29. I’d totally marry an alpaca. But only if it were a male alpaca, right? Because gay marriage is wrong?

  30. First of all, a question to all the linguists out there — is “Bleeeh!” how a goat really sounds?

    Retropolitan — I think our forefathers thought the same. That’s why Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin never sat next to each other.

    Awe — Are goats really horny or is that an uban myth?

    Laurie — Don’t try to fool us. You wouldn’t be marrying an alpaca out of love, but for cheap material for your knitting.
    As for this dumb Bush proposal — To be honest, I can actually understand a traditional-oriented person not wanting to change the definition of marriage. Marriage is a core value of Western civilization, and some people just don’t like messing around with it. I don’t think these people necessarily hate gays or lesbian.

    But times change.

    But the real idiocy is the idea of a Constitutional amendment. Even Sophia, who is a registered Republican, said, “President Bush is losing it.”

  31. Aw come on, no really, let’s see how many deadwood amendments we can add and totally bastardize our constitution to follow a cheerleading coke head’s morality. No, really.

  32. Unfortunately, it’s not just a “coke head’s morality,” but a good chunk of the American public’s. But I have confidence in the American public’s ability to eventually accept diversity. They seem to always do.

  33. That’s a fine looking goat, Neil.

  34. First men marry female goats, then they marry MALE goats and then it’s all horny, all butts, all the time!

    An American nightmare! Or MTV–you decide.

  35. Neilochka, you are a true legend. It’s like a car wreck, you need to look away but you can’t take your eyes off it. The goat thing, no way, I love the titles in your tag list, like the game where you have a selection of randomly chosen words and you have to make a story out of them. Priceless
    Rachh

  36. Neil, I am glad to see that I am not the only one who took Laurie’s statement about marrying an alpaca for what it really is. I read it and thought, “Gee. Think of all the free yarn.”

  37. Are you projecting your own marital tensions?

    Somehow I doubt you’ll get the gig. Unless they want to put up their own Jon Stewart…
    Naa: Trying too much

  38. If “the commitment of a husband and a wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society,” what, exactly, does the commitment between Britney Spears and K-Fed promote?

  39. May I give my apologies to all the goats who read my blog. I checked on google and it seems as if goats say “Baah-aaaah!” and not “Bleeeh!,” much as sheep do in English. I’ll need to check with Sophia on what they say in Russian and Hebrew.

    Anyone know what they say in French?

  40. In French they say “Meeeee eh eh rde”.

  41. Sigh. Neil, everyone knows that if we were all going to marry an animal, we’d rush out and marry koalas. Look how adorable they are, and so laid back. Come on!

  42. I got a pair of velcro gloves for ewe…

  43. I have nothing witty to say, but Neil–you seriously crack me up. Thank you for always making me laugh.

  44. So Neil, why is your goat named Sara? I’m just asking so that I can name the dog in my ‘woman marries a dog’ scenario ‘Neil’ without guile.

  45. Good job Neil. You just managed to piss off both the riech wing and PETA with that post. Don’t come crying to me when they burn down your blog.

  46. how come neil got all the girls all the time? he’s a bloody republican. i am drunk and frustrated. he posts goat, i post maryln monroe doing weight!!! C’mon girls, be honest to yourself.

    damn Neil! You are just waaaaaay too good.

  47. Fuuuuuuuunnnnnny. Bleeeeh.

  48. I wish you were the goat fairy and could point your goat power at anyone to turn them into a Bleeh! Bleeh!

  49. Doesn’t sound that different from dialogue between many married men and women..

  50. can’t…stop…laughing…oh…my…stomach…help.

  51. No, no, NO! In the name of all that is holy, I do NOT want an America where men marry men and men marry goats.

    I want an America where men marry men AND goats. Polybestialihomogamy. The revolution has begun!

  52. I really like goats, but in your scenario, the goat is the wife, so does that mean goats can only be wives? Because if that’s the case, I’d have to be married to a goat AND be a lesbian. And that, I have to say, just doesn’t seem right.

  53. Did I mention lately that this post is pure genius?
    OK, French goat lesson, now that I have had the chance to look it up:
    En français, le chèvre fait “bêêêêê”.
    En outre, le chat fait “miaou”, l’âne fait “hi-han”, et le canard fait “coin-coin.”
    Alors, répétez après moi….

  54. I’m outraged that goats cannot vote.

  55. Bush might actually be OK with the goat marraiges, since goats don’t know how to file for their partner’s social security or medicare benefits.

  56. So he’s saying that it’s weird to marry a goat? (hides engagement ring in shame)

  57. I’m slightly dubious as to where the man’s hand is in that picture. All I can say is, the goat looks blissed-out!
    Did you ever see the documentary of the English woman who married her horse?
    She had a special bed made and they wore matching pj’s. Very touching. The house was covered in shit, though. That just spoiled it for me.

  58. If we are indeed banned from marrying…I’ll be forced to sneak goats into the back of the TomCat theatre on Santa Monica Bl. late at night. Sheesh.

  59. BLEEEEEEEEEEEEH!is my word goats sound like MMMMLEEEEEEHHHH!!!anyway nd if im 4 gay marriages nd goat 1`s 2!!!(but im noy actually gay r goatual)

  60. Marriage SHOULD ONLY BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!
    SO ALL PPL WHO DIS AGREE WITH THAT WILL BURN IN HELL ONE DAY!
    ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE!!!!

  61. I am not a lesbian, nor a gay man, but I find you putting gays on the same level as a goat completely appaling. This is nothing but idiocy, and there is nothing even semi intelligent on this page.

  62. Jessica – I wasn’t the one who equated gays with goats (well, I guess I did). I heard some commentator on the radio say that the institution of marriage would fall apart if gays married. “What would stop people from marrying goats?” he asked. I just took the idea one step forward and actually imagined what it would be like to marry a goat.

    I have a feeling it probably wouldn’t work out. Although a lot of money would be saved on feta cheese.

  63. Im just happy to be straight, i dont need to go through all these problems 😀

  64. Listen here you stupis asses. I am Bisexual and I don’t have the mind you stupid people do. I wouldn’t marry a goat, I would marry whomever i want. You don’t see us making fun I you. People like bush and whoever wrote this are the reason people become assholes. I happen to be very smart, I sixteen year going to college…so fuck u

  65. Sorry, I ate Sarah’s brains before she got here.

  66. this is perhaps the most blatant expression of typical American miseducation of the masses. Your comparison between gay marriage and marriage between a goat and a man is perhaps the worst argument standpoint i’ve ever seen on this topic. there is no comparison between the two. homosexuals are people too – animals aren’t. marriage is a human act, not an animalian one – idiot. you use humour to compensate for the lack of a proper argument. you and your supporters are a joke.

  67. anyone that beleaives this is ignorant

  68. thes comments are just plain mean. i am 100% for same-sex marriage.

  69. Really? that is not how every marrige goes. Straight married couples don’t always fight like that. And even if you are gay, no one is freaking forcing you to get married. Some people are just so dumb! Also, GAY people are NOT MINORITIES!!!! FWI!

  70. i think gay marriage is fine its just people getting married like a husband and wife its just one difference its just a man and a man getting married or a woman and a woman getting married!!!!

  71. Ahaha wow this post made me lol so hard! Not because of your little goat skit, which really wasn’t all that humorous, but at the fact I found yet another pathetic argument on the internet on why two people who are in love shouldn’t marry! Is this seriously the best come back you have to offer? Interspecies marriage? Is this supposed to be your idea of a joke? You’re obviously not educated enough on the situation if this is all you have to say. Get back to me when you actually have a legit argument, yeah?

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