(This is an amazing video! Can you believe that the first time ABBA sang on television it was to belt out “California Here I Come!” on some lame Swedish TV show!)

Finally, men, our chance is here!   Like the women in Aristophenes’ Lysistrata, it is time to band together as a gender and make changes to society.   Today, the California Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples DO have a constitutional right to marry.  We now have the unique opportunity to put an end to the tyranny of women, with their living room “design” ideas, their need to watch “The Bachelor,” their pricey shoes and most importantly, their selfish refusal to give oral sex to us while we drive down the Santa Monica Freeway.

The answer is clear.  We must marry each other.  Man to Man.  Legally.  May I suggest that you board a flight to Los Angeles or San Francisco immediately?  We will be waiting for you. 

Don’t worry about those pesky rumors of high housing prices in California.  There are TONS of foreclosures on the market.  Because of the Iraq War, the economy is sinking fast.  And since men usually make more money than women, it is economically SMART for two men to marry each other.  Why settle for a mate who only makes 77 percent of what a man earns?   Think about it.  Until now, men have been a bunch of suckers, working our asses off at shitty jobs, holding up the fort for a bunch of female slackers who fool us by smelling nice, like modern day Mata Haris.

Think how simple life can be – man and man.  No more fighting over doing the dishes.  We just won’t do the dishes!  We’ll eat at Taco Bell every night.   All this eating out will also have a positive influence on the economy! 

The only hurdle, and it is a slight one — is that most men find each other rather repulsive when the clothes come off.   As someone who married into a Russian family, I offer a unique solution for this issue — vodka, especially the really cheap brand that tastes like unleaded gasoline.  Of course, since we will also be in two-male-income family units, most of us will also have enough expendable income to bring in the hookers.

Thank you, California!

Note:  It has come to my attention that this ruling mostly applies to same-sex GAY couples, and was not intended as an easy way for straight men to avoid dealing with the craziness of neurotic straight women.  My apologies.

When times are tough, you sometimes take jobs you might not ordinarily sign on to. I don’t think of it as selling out. I think of it as making money. Here’s a Public Service Announcement I’m writing for a conservative think-tank:

Why Gay Marriage Should be Banned

VOICEOVER:

“Gay” activists want you to think that President Bush’s proposed Constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman is a way to brand “lesbian and gay men as inferior individuals.” This is absolutely untrue. President Bush deeply respects individuals of all cultures and orientations.

President Bush, like most Americans, wants to keep the concept of marriage strong.

As the President recently said on his radio address:

“Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and a wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society. Marriage cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening this good influence on society.”

Most Americans agree that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

And for good reason.

If we open up the idea of marriage to “same sex” marriage, we open up a Pandora’s Box. The concept of marriage will become completely diluted. It’s a slippery slope.

If two men can marry, what’s to stop a man from marrying a goat?

Think about it — is a man+goat marriage really the best way to raise children?

Let’s listen in, as this so-called “family” goes on a traditional summer road trip to see the wonders of Mount Rushmore.

FADE IN:

INTERIOR. CAR - DAY

A family is travelling on the highway to Mount Rushmore. The “family” consists of a husband, his wife (a goat), and their teenage daughter. There is tension in the car.

Husband: “…I know where I’m going. I can read a map.”

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “I’m not asking for directions. I know where I’m going.”

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “Sara, you’re giving me a headache. Let me drive.”

Daughter: “Daddy, I’m Bleeeeh!… hungry!”

Husband: “You’ll have to wait, Veronica. We’ll stop for a burger soon.”

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “Sara, enough with the goat cheese. I don’t care if you’re a vegetarian.”

Wife: “Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “@#%$@!!!”

Daughter: “Stop fighting! Stop fighting!”

Wife: “Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “@#%$@!!!”

Daughter: “I hate you! I hate you Bleeeeh!….both of you! I wish I had regular parents!”

Wife: “Bleeeeh! Bleeeeh! Bleeeeeh!”

Husband: “A divorce?! Again with this divorce?

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

Husband: “My mother was right. I should have never married you. Why didn’t I vote for that Constitutional amendment years ago defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman! My life could have been completely different! I could have been happy!”

Wife: “Bleeeeh!”

BACK TO VOICEOVER:

Is this the America you really want? Do we really want men marrying men and men marrying goats?

Support President Bush and the majority of Americans in calling for the ratification of this essential amendment to our Constitution.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: American Woman