On any given day, I receive hundreds of emails from women who either want to marry me or see photos of my Adonis-like naked body. The truth of the matter is that I’m not a perfect specimen of manliness, despite what you think. I have one fatal flaw, my Achilles heel:
I am passive-aggressive.
I’m not a very combative person in general. But if I feel that I’m wronged, I have a habit of storing that information in the back cages of my mind, where it waits, like a Belgian tiger in heat, ready to leap out and attack at the most opportune time.
Forget what I just said. That was literary bullshit that doesn’t convey me at all. My passive-aggressive nature is nothing like a Belgian tiger in heat. That is way too aggressive for Neilochka. My approach would be more like the sneaky snake, slowly trapping my prey in a devious manner.
Or as Sophia likes to say to me on more than one occasion:
"Neil, you’re such a woman."
Hey, it’s not me stereotyping women as devious sneaky snakes. Blame Sophia. But when you tell her this, just beware that she is like the Belgian tiger.
Last night, we went to Sophia’s parents house for Passover. As we’re driving, Sophia wanted to see the cake I bought. She wasn’t happy with the choice I made and told me so. This irritated me, because I thought Sophia was acting too picky, but I let it slide, mostly because I know Sophia gets nervous when visiting her mother.
The meal was delicious until it was time for dessert. Sophia’s mother didn’t like the cake and told this to Sophia. Sophia said that her mother was too picky and defended my choice of cake, even though the cake really was bad.
Now imagine we’re driving home afterwards. Would it be stupid of me to bring up to Sophia that she had acted before JUST LIKE HER MOTHER? Do most women really want to hear this?
Or was I being passive-aggressive?
I have this bad habit of remembering hurts from as long as ten years ago. Maybe I should take a lesson from blogging:
You write a post.
You get your comments.
And then you put that post in the archives.
Have you noticed that hardly anyone ever reads you old posts once they’re done. Sure, you get some spammers and some crazy people still talking about Lindsay Lohan, but mostly the past is past. It used to bother me that I would write a cool post and then after a day or so, no one would care anymore. But maybe this is a good approach for real life.
How can you be passive-aggressive when you put all your old issues into your archives and never again look at them?