Psst… hey. It’s Neil’s Penis here. Neil is asleep so I have to whisper.
Saturday is my favorite holiday — April Fool’s Day. And I’m thinking of playing a little trick on Neil, right here on this blog. Are you game?
I love April Fool’s Day. Maybe its because I’ve always considered myself a bit of a jokester. There’s nothing funnier than playing a little gag on Neil. Sometimes, I pop up at the most inopportune times — just to bug and embarrass him. I remember once rising into action during a pitch meeting with an important female executive who wasn’t wearing a bra. I don’t ever remember laughing so hard in my life.
You might think me cruel, but actually, there’s a long literary tradition of the "Fool." Was it not the Fool who was wiser than King Lear?
Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest.
You’re surprised I know that? You think just because I’m a cock that I’m not well-read? Who the fuck you think writes all of Neil’s smart posts? Without me, he’s a drooling idiot who writes cheap gags about Zelnorm!
Most women think the Penis is the dumb one.
"He’s thinking with the head down there, not the head up there" is the typical cliched statement by a woman.
But, in reality, I’m the real "brains" behind the person you call Neilochka.
In fact, just this morning I was telling Neil how he could increase his female readership:
Penis: "Write this down, Neil. Here are the three posts you need to write over and over again to win over the female audience. More stuff about how you appreciate a strong and intelligent woman. More stuff about how you love little animals, particularly cats. And more stuff about how your greatest joy in life is eating a woman’s pussy."
Neil: "But none of that is…"
Penis: "Just say it, you moron. (looking towards heaven) God, why were you so cruel to hang a penis like me on an idiot like him?"
All in all, I guess Neil is OK, even if he is a little simple-minded. But that’s why I love playing gags on him.
So, here’s my April Fool’s joke:
It seems that there’s one thing that Neil really hates about the blogging world — the way it’s been taken over by those only interested in self-promotion or marketing. Neil thinks "real" blogs should be about mundane things — like what you had for lunch yesterday or why your ex-boyfriend is a jerk.
A few months ago, Neil got fed up with all these so-called bloggers that he decided not to call his blog a blog anymore:
"From now on, I will think of "Citizen of the Month" as a "Shpritz."
shpritz: a short spray of seltzer from a seltzer bottle
Every day, I will write a daily Shpritz.
And like a shpritz from a bottle, a literary shpritz will spray you in the face to get your attention, but it will never, ever stain your clothes.
Good-bye, blog. Hello, Shpritz."
Neil is always slow to change. Not only isn’t he on MySpace, like I am, but he doesn’t even own an iPod! He is what they used to call "a traditionalist." He thinks blogging should be about expression, not self-promotion. This doesn’t really surprise me. Neil is old-fashioned in everything. For god’s sake, he thinks fucking with "the woman on top" is "getting kinky!"
So, here’s my idea. Neil has a cold and isn’t going to read his blog again until Saturday; nor is Sophia because the schmuck got her sick too. I suggest that that we totally hijack this post and comments and fill it with the things he hates the most — self-promotion and marketing.
Yes, it’s the First Annual April Fool’s Day "Promote Yourself on Neil’s Blog and Annoy the Hell Out of Him."
Do you have a book that’s coming out? Email me about it. Or write something about it in the comments.
Do you want people to listen to your songs on MySpace? Write about it.
Do you have an online store selling jewelry? Tell us about it!
Are you looking for a new job? Promote yourself!
Do you think you would make a great wife? Tell the men of America what your qualifications are!
Do you run a sexoholic’s group and are looking for members? Feel free to spread the word!
Is your son playing a tree in his third grade production of "Oliver!?" Do you think one of your blog posts is good enough to be in the New Yorker? Have you invented a new toilet seat?
Promote the hell out of your writing group, your play reading, your up-and-coming clothing line, your breast enlargements, your husband’s new law offices — anything!
Personally, I can’t wait to see Neil’s face on Saturday when he sees that his blog has been hijacked by his own penis!
Ready for some promotional stuff? I’ll get the ball rolling by bringing up Pauly D’s new book.
Blogger and comic genius Paul Davidson’s "The Lost Blogs" comes out May 8, 2006. It sounds like a real winner — a humorous collection of lost "blogs" written by such famous historical figures as Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, and Gandhi. Fellow blogger Kevin Apgar has set up a "Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign" for the book, and you can participate in the fun during the week of April 10-April 14 by writing your blog posts as your historical figure of choice!
Am I actually going to read Pauly’s book? No fucking way. I much prefer reading Shakespeare than nonsense like that. But I’m gonna promote it anyway — just to ANNOY NEIL.
April Fools, Neilochka!