(artwork by Dean Morrissey)
Something happened to me on the way to the Blogosphere. I actually started caring about you idiots — and I find this a little weird. I started this enterprise for totally selfish reasons. I wasn’t writing anything at the moment and I wanted to amuse myself. Besides, not having a blog by 2005 was like not having a color TV set by 1978.
Hilary was the first commenter that I added to my blogroll, mostly because she explained to me what the blogroll was all about. Then I began to read her links and steal her links, and then read and steal the links of the links. Soon it became incestuous, like the hillbilly family in "Deliverance." One night, I’m following this link from Hilary to Gooch, and I see Leese has a comment there.
"What the hell is she doing there?" I wonder about my new pseudo-friend who I don’t really know. It was if she was my wife and I caught her having an affair. That is, until I remember that I found her link through him.
Kid Sis mentions feeling jealous when two of her links become buddies.
I never thought I’d be name dropping like this, actually mentioning other blogs. I feel a little bit like Ebenezer Scrooge who has had a transformation and now feels sorry for the pathetic Tiny Tim. Who the hell are you people and why am I caring about your measly lives?
Maybe Fun Joel, the screenwriting expert, can explain Aristotle’s idea of "catharsis" — where an audience member purges his emotion through the characters in a play. All of you have such interesting lives: I really want you to get a husband, get laid on Saturday night, overcome illness, get that job with Sony, stop fighting with your brother, divorce your wife already, stop eating junk food, and write that novel you’re too afraid to start. I remember feeling very upset when I read Jack‘s post about his wife’s purse being stolen.
But I constantly say to myself, "I don’t really know any of you."
In real life, I would fight with some of you about your crazy political ideas (some on the left and some on the right). Some of you seem like real jerks (but you write so well that I can’t stop reading you).
Some of you I have linked to, but you haven’t linked to me (who’s kvetching now, Esther?). What can I do to improve my blog so I can win your approval? Or are you just playing hard to get? You know, it’s working. I now care more about you than the ones who have already linked to me. Bastards.
Sometimes I try to visualize what you look like. I imagine Michael Blowhard as a professor type, sitting at his computer while smoking a pipe. I visualize my female readers sitting by their laptops, wearing nothing but the mouse in their hand. I don’t know why, but I’m always imagining female bloggers as blogging in the nude. Is this true or is it just a fantasy?
Again, I don’t really know any of you. If one of my blogging pals broke his foot in Atlanta, Georgia, would I fly out to help?
I started "Citizen of the Month" feeling disdain for you other bloggers. Why are you wasting all your time online? Now, I care about your stupid lives. I feel like one of the Tripods from "The War of the Worlds" sent to Earth to destroy you, but who decided to just hang out and listen to some "Grateful Dead" tunes with you instead.
It’s all your fault.