the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: Photoshop

Word and Image

I am in McDonald’s staring at a poster for the new McRib sandwich.  The photo shows this huge, juicy, succulent rib — the size of half a cow.  The photo is just begging you to buy a McRib.  Although I have never eaten a McRib, I do have experience with McDonald’s hamburgers.  I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about.  The photo shows a thick patty with a watery tomato, pickle, and lettuce packed on high on a bakery-fresh bun, and then when you get the burger, it is… a typical McDonald’s hamburger, a grayish, flacid disc that barely fits in the soft, limp bun.  So, I am asking myself — and you — why is this not considered false advertising?  There are stringent controls on the words that go into advertising.  A company can get sued for lying to their consumers with their words.  I can’t run an ad saying that if you come into my car dealership, I will sell you an Acura, and then give you a Corolla.  So, why hasn’t anyone ever sued McDonald’s for the fakery of their food photos?

My photographer friend, Kim, recently went to a class in Los Angeles to learn the techniques of commercial food photography.  From what she told me, it sounded like a fascinating class, with food photography an art form in itself.  She told me how sandwiches are stuffed with cotton to make them thicker, and food coloring is used to make chocolate look more chocolate-y.  And photographers get big bucks for this deception, on-the-set fakery done before the use of Photoshop.

Do you ever notice that readers like the “real” and “authentic,” in writing?  We like to read about struggle and drama.  On the other side, have you noticed that we tend to love the photographs that should be in a glossy magazine?  Beautiful settings.  And beautiful people.  Our families look near perfect.  Our yards are always clean.  The laundry on the couch is always hidden. Everyone has nice hair.  Special filters are used to create a mood.  Photoshop is employed to rid us of blemishes.

Of course, writing is also fake.  We have our own literary brush tools.  We can completely change the mood of a sentence, but switching a word, or adding punctuation.  Some of us are more poetic in our words.  If I say that my friend was “as angry as a bulldog,” I am giving you a visual picture.  But it is still manipulation, like a yellow filter, or the Hipstamatic app in the iphone.  My friend is not really a bulldog.  I’m not even sure bulldogs are “angry.”

I am not a photographer.  So I am curious.  Are you searching for any truth in your photos? If you take a perfect photo of a perfect family in front of a perfect home, are you trying to express the Platonic ideal of your family?  Are words more suited for communication and expressing truth (if you so choose), and photos more for beauty and glorified image?

I know media images of beauty are always a popular topic with my female friends online.  But I’m not sure we should trust corporate America to determine what is “real” for us, women or otherwise.  When I see those Dove “real women” campaigns, I mostly see photoshopped size 8 models instead of photoshopped size 2 models.

We tend to look down our noses at the use of  “advertising” techniques in writing, seeing them as manipulative, but applaud the same techniques in photography.  Why does beauty always have to be so “prettified?”  Why do we always talk about our search for truth and authenticity in art if we don’t really want to see it or express it in our images?

Does any of this make any sense?  Maybe not.  I’ll tell you one thing — that McRib sandwich looks good!

Happiness: A Photoshop Tutorial

My mother was a little worried about me today, so I decided to take some action to make her feel better. Luckily, I’ve gotten pretty proficient in Adobe Photoshop over the years. Here’s a handy little tutorial in using Photoshop to change your emotional state from sad to happy. Try it yourself!

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original emotion — SAD

Now, open up Photoshop, and follow these specific directions:

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As a final step, SAVE AS Happiness. You’re successfully used Photoshop to enhance your life!

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new emotion — Happy

Come back for more FREE Photoshop Tutorials!

P.S. — By the way,  Communicatrix deals with the issue of happiness in a slightly more mature way.

Unretouched

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Some of you may have noticed that during the day, I changed the photo at my last post from a stock photo to one where I am wearing the purple bathrobe.

This photo is me is un-retouched. No filters. No Photoshop. No flashy photographic gimmicks. I owe it to Sophia for pushing me into presenting myself au naturale. As I discussed two weeks ago, putting a photo of myself online is not an easy thing for me to do. Today, there was a war of words with Sophia over this photo issue, a back-and-forth much bigger than the one over the bathrobe itself.

This morning, Sophia woke me up. She was reading my post on her laptop. She thought the previous photo was a loser and the post would be better if it showed myself wearing the purple bathrobe. She suggested that we take a photo in the living room.

After she took the photo, I went into my office to check it out. I hated the way I looked and started to Photoshop it. I tried to reduce the size of my bed-head hair, and to eliminate my unshaven double chin.

As I worked with the zillions of Photoshop tools, Sophia stopped by.

“What are you doing?” she asked, in that certain voice that I know means trouble.

“Nothing.”

“You’re Photoshopping yourself again, aren’t you?”

“So?”

“So, you look great in that photo. Why do you need to do this?”

For some reason, Sophia gets pissed at me whenever I try to fix myself in photos. She is of the belief that it is “unmanly” for me to be “so vain” about my appearance.

“What about when I take your photo?” I asked, ready to debate. “You’re always so picky!”

“That’s different. I’m a woman.”

“You don’t complain when I dress up.”

“That’s because you look sexy when you dress up. But it’s not sexy to have a man Photoshopping his own chin.”

“Why not?!”

“You’re a MAN. This is how a man looks. You’re not supposed to look all air-brushed. It’s so gay.”

“That’s an insult to gays.”

“OK, my apologies to gays.”

“Can I go back to my Photoshop please?”

I returned to Photoshopping my photo.

“Are you trying to photoshop your double chin?”

“Exactly.”

“Now it makes you look like you have goiters.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Let me try to use the blend tool.”

“Now you look like you have a tracheotomy. Why don’t you just photoshop in an oxygen mask?”

“Maybe I’ll take my whole head off and lower it over my chin.”

“Then you’ll look like a Hobbit. Is it really worth it? Don’t be so insecure, Neilochka. You look cute. Women will see the real you and will still go “ooh” and “ahh.” Just the way you like, I promise.”

“Are you sure you just don’t want me to look bad?”

“Why would I want that?”

“So, if we split up, I won’t date some hot blogger before you date someone else?”

“We have split up. Go date someone. Be my guest. You’re the one who doesn’t want to leave my house!”

“C’mon, Neil, listen to her – publish it. ” yelled my Penis. “Be confident.”

“You, too, Penis? I asked.  “But aren’t you worried that no woman wants to f**k a man with a double chin.”

“No,” my Penis responded.  “No woman wants to f**k a man who Photoshops his chin.  It’s not the size of anything you have, but how many times you can make her yell, *&@&% me again, you $@*&%$!”

“Your Penis is right.  Be a man,” said Sophia, nodding in agreement with my Penis. “This is what you look like, chin and all.  Accept it and be happy with it.”

Damn, Sophia was right.

So, Mazel tov to me. TODAY, I became a man. I published the photo — totally un-retouched.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: I Am So Over Boobs

I Am a Camera

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I’ve never been much of a photographer. I honestly think the problem is one of assertiveness. Taking photos of the world around you requires some chutzpah, some “balls.” To take a photo of a stranger, or even a tree requires you to step into the space of someone or something, and “take” an image for yourself. Even the the concept of “shooting” a photo sounds aggressive. This is the same type of anxiety that prevents me from kissing a woman on a first date. It just seems too forward.

Susan Sontag, in her famous book On Photography, wrote “To photograph people is to violate them… It turns people into objects that can be symbolically possessed… Essentially the camera makes everyone a tourist in other people’s reality, and eventually in one’s own.”

For most of my life, I have left the photography for others. My place was always sitting in the corner with a pad and pen. Now I say, “Phooey!” It is time for a change.

Yesterday, I opened up a Flickr account.

Can you believe that I’ve been blogging for over a year and have never investigated your Flickr pages? What fun. I’ve been stalking you all day. There you are! Photos of you. With your friends. With your family. Half-naked. What a treat to see you outside of your blogging lives.

I’ve already added a few of you as “contacts.” Don’t feel obligated to make me your contact. There is nothing of interest on my site as of yet. I don’t even own a digital camera. Can anyone suggest one in the $200 range? I took Alison‘s suggestion and tested a few models for the “feel” of the camera. I definitely like the bulkier ones with the grip.

One camera that clearly struck my imagination was the HP Photosmart R967.

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This model is one of their new models that contains a “slimming feature” (via Big Fat Blog). After taking photo, you can use a slider on the camera to “instantly trim of pounds from the subjects in your photos!”

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Call me old-fashioned, but I always thought the aim of personal photography was to “capture” reality. I even remember learning in art history classes in college that Impressionism and Expressionism were direct reactions to the way photography could better show the real world than a painting. Don’t we expect a photo to somehow reflect reality? Isn’t it going to be weird showing the photos of your size-8 body when you’re standing there holding the photos in your size-14 body? Do you really want people to say to you, “You look wonderful in that photo even though I know it is mostly the camera’s slimming effect and in reality you are twenty-five pounds more! Is this the ultimate solution for our obesity problem — showing photos to each other of us looking thin and making believe it is “reality?” I can understand putting an old photo of yourself on Match.com, since no one really knows you there, but who are you going to be fooling with your slimmer personal photos? Your co-workers? Your mother? Yourself?

And what type of message are we giving our already anorexic-obsessed teenagers?

But who I am to stop modern technology and human vanity? Who doesn’t want to look better on film? I’d be a hypocrite to speak against photographic manipulation. Remember the time I “whitened my teeth” in Photoshop for my profile pic (see sidebar photo)? What’s wrong with wanting to look how you want to look?

With this new attitude, I went over to Circuit City to explore some of the other cameras with new features like that of the HP Photosmart R967. It was an eye-opening experience.

I was greatly impressed with the Canon PowerShot B900 and it’s brand new “colorizing” feature.

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I’ve always thought that black people were much “cooler” than white people. I think that’s why so many white suburban kids love rap and “inner city” fashion. Wouldn’t it be great to show how “cool” you were to your friends — at least on film?

Here I am this morning. Pretty dull, huh?

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Here I am after using the “colorizing” filter!

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And it’s so easy!

The Nikon Coolpix N7 is perfect for the struggling Mommyblogger or Daddyblogger family.

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Don’t you hate it when all you can afford is a cheap vacation to Legoland when your neighbors are taking the whole family to some resort in Maui? With just one click of Canon’s GWC (Great Wall of China) switch, impress your friends and neighbors.

Go from boring Legoland —

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— to a family adventures in the mysterious Orient, right in the camera!

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Finally, many of use our digital cameras for more personal pursuits. On Friday night, I was feeling a little alone, so I decided to email Charming But Single some photos I took of myself that I thought might “arouse” her interest. For some reason, I never heard back from her and she deleted me from her blogroll. But things would have been different if I had owned the exciting new Olympus SE-490.

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This new Olympus contains the trademarked Expando-filter. It is absolutely brilliant. Now you can make any object larger with the click of a button.

Look at this photograph I took on one of my vacations. Nice, but not very impressive.

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1-2-3 and presto!

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With the Olympus, Friday night might have turned out very differently.

Ansel Adams, eat your heart out!

(tonight and tomorrow is Yom Kippur. If you celebrate the holiday, have an easy fast. My Yom Kippur post from last year is here).

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