Neil, tired of being type-cast as a humor writer, decides to write a blog post from his heart — a tale of young unrequited love and a purple bathrobe.
Neil has never told his separated wife, Sophia, about what this purple bathrobe means to him, and the college girl who once captured his heart.
Sophia arrives home. Neil insists that she read his current blog post immediately. She does. Neil nervously waits for her response.
Neil: So, what do you think?
Neil: Boring? How can you say that?
Sophia: You’re just trying to be all cutesy to get all the girls to go “Awwww.”
Neil: This is a true story.
Sophia: Bulls**t. I heard all your stories at least 20 times, and I never heard this?
Neil: It’s all true.
Sophia: C’mon? Seriously? Some girl gave you her bathrobe?
Neil: She did! Why is that so hard to believe?
Sophia: The whole co-ed shower thing is fake!
Neil: It was a co-ed bathroom. We weren’t in the open together. There were individual stalls.
Sophia: Like Danny said, “Was this at the University of Gomorrah?”
Neil: It was at Columbia College in New York! We can call Jake in NY and ask him. You could literally share shampoo with the person in the next stall.
Sophia: I don’t believe it.
Neil: Huh? I write about my mother sleeping with Santa Claus and you have no problem, but THIS you say I’m making up.
Sophia: Your mother sleeping with Santa Claus was not boring. Show me this purple bathrobe.
Neil takes the bathrobe out of the closet.
Sophia: That’s my bathrobe.
Neil: What? Your bathrobe? This is my bathrobe. This is the one the girl gave me.
Sophia: No, it’s not. I bought this before I met you. At the Beverly Center. This is my bathrobe.
Neil: I’m telling you. This is my bathrobe. I had a purple bathrobe.
Sophia: Maybe you did, but this isn’t it. This one is mine.
Neil: If this isn’t MY purple bathrobe, where is mine?
Sophia: I’ve never seen you with another purple bathrobe.
Neil: You think maybe I lost it when we moved in together? Or maybe I began thinking that this was my purple bathrobe?
Sophia: I really don’t know. You never mentioned this purple bathrobe before.
Neil: Well, I didn’t want to make you jealous by telling you about this other girl.
Sophia: Why would I be jealous?
Neil: I figured you would wonder if we ever had sex.
Sophia: OK, did you two ever have sex?
Sophia: Did you ever kiss her?
Sophia: Too bad. But at least now I’m beginning to believe this story.
NEIL’S NOTE: I still think the purple bathrobe is mine, but maybe it is Sophia’s and I THOUGHT it was mine. But where is the original purple bathrobe? Is it stored in some box in the garage? Did I leave it behind? Now I’m questioning whether or not the bathrobe was even PURPLE. No, it was purple. I’m positive. My memories of this girl can’t be so foggy, can they?
This has to be my purple bathrobe. Can we do a DNA test on it and learn the truth?
SOPHIA’S NOTE: Here we go… He’s going for the “AWWWS” again…