Author: Neil Kramer (Page 119 of 187)
I have many faults, but I try to own up to my mistakes, and apologize when warranted. I had a wonderful time in Portland. It is a beautiful city with excellent beer and fine citizens. I was especially impressed with Powell’s Bookstore, which I thought was even more impressive than the Strand Bookstore in New York. Unfortunately, I seemed to have angered many Portlandians when I mentioned in a previous post that Sophia and I saw only one black person in the entire city during our four days there, and this was the sax player in a fifteen member big band at a jazz club.
Maybe I was wrong for bringing up this bit of random information on this blog, especially now that I know I was wrong. There isn’t just one African-American in Portland. There are TWO —
From the awful Donald Trump-produced Miss USA show on TV tonight — Miss Oregon from Portland
Sophia: “Maybe it’s his daughter.”
There are some songs that you like because they are good, and some you like just because you associate them with a specific event or memory. I would never consider “Maneater” by Hall and Oates to be a rock classic, but it is memorable to me because it was playing on the radio when Jessica Neinbaum talked to me at a party.
Sometimes, the meaning of a song can change throughout time. “Locomotive Breath” is an old song by Jethro Tull. The reason this song is important to me is that it brings up memories of Camp Kinder-Ring in Sylvan Lake, New York. It was already an old song when I attended camp, but it was the favorite band of one of our camp counselors. Whenever we would practice basketball lay-ups before a game, this counselor would put this high energy song on the loudspeaker in order to energize us. The song became engraved in my mind as a “fight song” before a big game.
I loved summer camp, the song, and the lay-ups. It didn’t matter that I never got a lay-up IN the basket. I was a bad basketball player, despite being one of the tallest campers. Just to make it clear to you how bad I was — this was a JEWISH camp, and I was still one of the worst!
In truth, it was an odd choice for a fight song. Years later, in college, when I actually bought the album, “Aqualung,” and read the lyrics, I noticed how depressing the song actually was:
In the shuffling madness
of the locomotive breath,
runs the all-time loser,
headlong to his death.
He feels the piston scraping —
steam breaking on his brow —
old Charlie stole the handle and
the train won’t stop going —
no way to slow down.
But who cares? It was one of the few Jethro Tull songs with a beat.
Fast forward to three weeks ago. Sophia and I were getting into the car with our luggage, about to go on our trip to Portland.
“One more thing!” I said as I ran back into the house and grabbed a random assortment of music CDs — rock, Latin, classical, jazz, etc. What type of road trip would it be without music?
As I drove up the 405, Sophia rifled through my assortment of CDs.
“What the hell is a Jethro Tull?”
I told her the story about doing lay-ups at my Jewish summer camp.
“Play it. It’s song number 10. Forget the rest of the album which I KNOW you will hate.”
Sophia played the song, and liked it. “Locomotive Breath” became the anthem to our trip. Every morning, as we would start the next leg of our trip, we would put on song number 10, “Locomotive Breath,” and blast it on the speakers.
He sees his children jumping off
at the stations — one by one.
His woman and his best friend —
in bed and having fun.
He’s crawling down the corridor
on his hands and knees —
old Charlie stole the handle and
the train won’t stop going —
no way to slow down.
Gradually, the meaning of this song changed for me. It wasn’t about camp anymore. It was the THEME song to “Neil and Sophia’s Road Trip.”
70’s Progressive Rock.
Ian Anderson on the flute.
Separated husband and wife visiting bloggers in Portland.
It made sense. And maybe it was the bombastic theatricality of our 70’s theme song that inspired us to get stopped by the cops THREE times during our trip (twice for Sophia and once for me. Sophia was let off, of course. I got a ticket).
Jethro Tull made us into progressive rock rebels.
Last night, Sophia asked me to pick up some eggs at the supermarket. We’ve been home a few days now, and there is still nothing in the fridge. I’m embarrassed to say that I decided to drive the one block to the store. When I turned on the ignition, “Locomotive Breath” started playing on the speakers. One of us must have left the CD on when we left the car.
He hears the silence howling —
catches angels as they fall.
And the all-time winner
has got him by the balls.
I sang along in my garbled New York accent as I drove to Von’s Supermarket. I hadn’t gone half a block when I noticed a police car sitting at the corner of the street. He turned his siren and lights on.
“Pull over” he announced.
What was the problem? Get this — I didn’t have my seat-belt on!
Did he know who he was talking to? I follow every driving rule in the book. I always have my seat belt on! I was just driving one block… and Jethro Tull was distracting me!
The officer gave me a ticket… my second ticket in a week.
Locomotive Breathe. From now on, I will remember YOU as the song that made me into a criminal.
He picks up Gideons Bible —
open at page one —
old Charlie stole the handle and
the train won’t stop going —
no way to slow down.
(not Jethro Tull and definitely not me)
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Neilochka Stalker
The Boyfriend Trouser — for the woman who doen’t have a boyfriend, but wants to make believe she does.
The Nike Cap — For the couch potato who doesn’t play golf like Tiger Woods, but wants to make believe he does.
The Leather Jacket — for the person who isn’t tough, but wants to make believe he is.
Friendster — for the person who doesn’t have any friends, but wants to make believe she does.
Technorati — for the person who isn’t important, but wants to make believe he is.
A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month: Man and Woman: Morning
Â
I received an email today asking if Sophia and I got along during our road trip. And the answer is, “Yes.” This is very surprising because we usually have our worst fights while on the road. All the new stimuli can create a lot of tension. So, what was different this time? Did therapy help? Prozac? “The Secret?”
No.Â
It is something I would like to nominate for the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize.
For generations, there has been war. Each time a man and woman get together to travel to a new destination, the fragile harmony is always broken by bickering and verbal insults.
“Why don’t you ask for directions?” the woman asks, her voice shrill with nagging.
“I have a c**k, woman!” the hot-headed male responds. “It will point me in the right direction.”
“It certainly had a lot of trouble pointing anywhere last night!” she answers, throwing the first grenade, signalling a readiness to use weapons of mass destruction on the male’s Achilles heel — his ego. Â
Soon, the male brings up the female’s “weight,” which means only one thing —  all-out war.Â
How many divorces have occurred over asking directions?  Throughout history, this event has occurred over and over again — on camels, on horse and buggies, on Volkswagen Bugs (I punch you). The Trojan War — started over bad directions.  Henry VIII killed his third wife for constantly bringing up a right turn he made in London once when he was supposed to go left.
But now — FINALLY — there is peace and love on our modern highways and freeways.  There is fraternity among the sexes.  The automobile has become a friendly place again. There is less fighting over directions, and more lovemaking in the backseat — all because of one invention.
The Future Winner of the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize — GPS Navigation!
How can you argue over a robot chick with a pleasant voice who knows how to go EVERYWHERE?Â
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:Â Really Extreme Makeover:Â Home Edition
Â
Dear Emily Blogpost,
I’m a male blogger who lives in the Los Angeles area. Recently, it was my birthday, and I received cards and gifts from other bloggers. Today I started writing “thank you” emails. Things started out well. I sent four emails, but then I suddenly stopped, feeling myself going into a panic. Sweat poured down onto my shirt. What was the problem? I feared that I had made a terrible mistake in blog etiquette.Â
I quickly reread my notes and it was just as I had feared – at the end of each note I signed things off at the end as, “Love, Neil.”Â
Now, while I am fond of these bloggers, I’m not sure I actually “love” them in the traditional sense. I probably was overdoing the literary hyperbole, which is a frequent problem of mine as a writer. When I used the word “love,” I hoped to convey a friendly fondness, much like a person can love a cat, or a bowl of Fruit Loops. I hope that this “love” is not misinterpreted by others to mean “I am now stalking you” or “I know your bra size is 36D and I think about you when I caress the Bali Bras at Target,” or “meet me in the Westin at LAX, room 1201 on Saturday at 3PM so we can **** for a couple of hours on Westin’s trademarked signature Heavenly Bed (with ten layers of comfort!).
Perhaps I should just stop writing, “Love, Neil” on my thank you notes. especially to other men. I thought about ending each email by saying, “Your friend, Neil,” but that seems lame, as if we hang out together and play Texas Hold Em on Thursday Nights or go to see action movies together.  “Your Blog Associate, Neil” is even worse, because it sounds like some new-fangled job description at Google.
Eh, maybe I’ll just go back to “Love, Neil” and hope someone hot misinterprets it and shows up at the Westin.
Emily Blogpost, please help!
Loves Too Much
P.S. — In a sidenote, while we were travelling, Sophia and I found it amusing that hotels still don’t have 13th floors in 2007. Isn’t this the silliest superstition to have in modern times? You can bring a hooker to your room, but can’t sleep on the 13th Floor? Why not just ban mirrors and black cats? Hell, Sophia and I got MARRIED on October 13th!
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:Â Meeting Barry at Canter’s
Sophia sometimes works with a interpreting and translation agency in Carmel, and she really likes the people who work there, but has never met any of them in person. So, today, after leaving San Francisco, we made a special detour just to visit the staff of Richard Schneider Enterprises in Carmel. Apparently, the bunch is as nice in person as they are on the phone. Have you ever seen a happier group of people? This is what you look like when you work in beautiful Carmel.
We were supposed to stay in Carmel for the night, but we decided we were homesick, even for ugly Los Angeles, so off we went… back home, fighting the traffic along the way.
So, we’re home! Home at last. It’s so wonderful to be looking out the window again, seeing the beautiful scenery and listening to the running water in the lovely creek outside our living room.
Wait. That’s not a creek I hear. That’s the broken toilet upstairs. And that photo is not from Los Angeles. That’s a photo I took at Applegate Lake near Ashland, Oregon, right before we stopped at that little cafe and drank some hot apple cider. Over here, we look into the living room of the five surfer dudes who live next to us, the ones who blast Nirvana at 2AM in the morning and leave bottles of Corona on the street.
But it’s good to be home… no more sharing a laptop with Sophia, which means MORE blogging!
All in all, we had a great time on our West Coast Bloggers Tour 2007.
It was a pleasure to meet so many of you. Now, it’s time to go to Danny’s and see the rest of my birthday cards and gifts! By the time I finish celebrating my birthday this year, it will be my NEXT birthday.
I apologize for not reading many blogs in the last two weeks. Now, it’s time for me to catch up with YOU. Once, when I went on vacation, I complained about finding it difficult to keep up with your blogs, and I asked you to help me keep connected by writing a quick summary of your lives in my comments.
Have you noticed that I didn’t ask you to do it for me during this trip?
The reason is that by now, I know you so well, I KNOW what you are writing about without having to actually read anything —
- 4 of you are depressed.
- 2 of you are having problems with your husband.
- 3 of you are having trouble with your teenage daughter.
- 2 of you are worried that your newborn baby is making you a boring person.
- 2 of you are worried about drinking too much chardonnay with other mothers during playtime.
- 4 of you need to get laid NOW!
- 1 of you did get laid, and it wasn’t very good.
- 3 of you are reading David Sedaris again.
- 2 of you think “Gilmore Girls” has jumped the shark.
- 2 of you are impressed with how the Google Reader is helping with your blog reading.
- 3 of you got drunk for the third time this week.
- 4 of you really hate George Bush.
- 2 of you are writing poems about your depression.
- 3 of you have been lazy and are just posting “funny” videos from YouTube.
- 2 of you went on bad dates with men who falsely described themselves as taller and richer on Match.com.
- 3 of you are badmouthing the “bitch” you ex-boyfriend is sleeping with.
- 5 of you are writing about the new shoes you just bought.
- 4 of you are describing your bikini wax.
- 5 of you are saying that you met Sophia and me, and liked Sophia better.
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: LA is So Laid Back
City on the Bay.
We had a great day today. It started out with us meeting Dagny and Buzzgirl. We had Sunday brunch (everyone in SF eats brunch), saw a lot of gay men with perfect bodies, met Buzzgirl’s sophisticated twelve year old daughter who mocked my French, and Buzzgirl took us on a tour of the “real” San Francisco that the tourists never see.
At night, we went to a Thai restaurant with Stacy from Jurgen Nation and her super-smart boyfriend, Matt. Here is Stacy with her always-present Nikon camera. She loves taking photos so much, she even asked the restaurant manager if she could take photos of the interesting lanterns hanging in the adjacent room.
When we left the restaurant, some very talky homeless guy passed by and Matt quickly moved to block Stacy from any danger. I just stood there and watched. I didn’t even notice much, until Sophia told me how manly and gentlemanly she thought that was of Matt. Thanks a lot, Matt. Next time we meet Stacy, I hope she leaves you at home.
Tomorrow — Carmel, then back to LA on Tuesday!
At San Francisco’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade today —
(and we didn’t drink one beer all day)
Sophia “Molly Bloom” Lansky
James Joyce at work on his blog
Random Girl on San Francisco cable car: “Hey, Neilochka. C’mon over tonight with your Talking Penis and I’ll cook you guys some Rice-a-Roni, a San Francisco Treat! Leave Sophia back at the hotel!”
Presents from Bloggers – Napa – Mendocinio – Eureka – Redwoods – Oregon Coast – Portland – Ashland – and the longest birthday celebration ever continues with our arrival in San Francisco today. We’re staying at the spiffy Omni Hotel, where the only option is parking your car for $48 a night! $48 dollars a night! I can stay at a Motel 6 for the same price as parking my car. Luckily, it is the weekend, and I found a nearby garage where I can park my car for twelve dollars a night.
I mentioned in my last post that Sophia was stopped twice by Oregon Highway Patrol and smiled her way out of each ticket. Today, it was my turn to drive the six hours from Ashland to San Francisco.
Sophia:Â “You’re driving 65 on the freeway.”
Neil:Â “You’re supposed to drive 65 on the freeway.”
Sophia: “No one drives 65 on the freeway. It’s dangerous. Everyone is passing you.”Â
Neil:Â “I don’t want to be stopped by the police.”
Sophia: “No one is going to stop you if you stay the same speed as everyone else. I want to get to San Francisco today.”
A half hour later, in the Mount Shasta area of California, I noticed the twirling lights of the Highway Patrol in my rear view mirror. I pulled over. An officer slowly walked to my window. I kept my hands on the steering wheel so he doesn’t think I’m armed. I smiled nervously. This was the FIRST TIME I”ve ever been stopped on the freeway.Â
And yes, I received my first traffic ticket, despite my smiling.  Thank you very much, Sophia! So much for my perfect status as a Citizen of the Month.
Social Media
