Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Neilochka Stalker

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Last week, the Gawker website launched a new Gawker Stalker feature that can immediately post celebrity sightings on the internet, complete with a map.   According to the Daily News:

"We’ll be using the Google Maps program," the snarky Web site’s editor, Jessica Coen, told [Lloyd Grove of the Daily News], "and people can look at them as soon as they come in — as close to a live sighting as possible."

This stalker feature was big news in the New York internet world.  Gothamist weighed in:

It’s a pretty simple concept: each day they’ll have an intern manning an email address, and as "Gawker Stalker" missives come in, the intern will plot them on a map. This way, you can stalk your favorite celebrities in real time. Why you would want to stalk Lindsay Lohan is beyond us– but that’s an entirely different story.

Some, like New York journalist Felix Salmon, thought that Nick Denton, the publisher of popular websites such as Gawker and Wonkette, had produced something quite scary.

Part of what makes cities work is the anonymity conferred by large crowds. One of the reasons why people move to New York from Smalltown is that in Smalltown, everybody knew where they were and what they were doing at all times. Here, you can walk down the streets wearing nothing but an inflatable crocodile, and no one will care. Gawker Stalker Maps is an exercise in taking those comfortingly anonymous crowds and turning them into a million-eyed intelligent beast, collating and organising information on hundreds of individuals unlucky enough to be recognisable in public.

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Frankly, I’ve never understood why so many people have Gawker on their blogroll.  They’re never going to link to you.   All you’re doing is helping this money-making entity increase their ad sales.  It’s like you’re wearing a Nike cap or Coke t-shirt, giving a company free publicity without getting anything in return.

Maybe I’m being hard on Gawker, but I am angry at their lack of concern for privacy.   I’m especially bitter over their latest internet entity, Neilochka Stalker.   I really don’t appreciate my friends and acquaintances (that includes you, Sophia!) sending in tips to their special email address telling the world where I am 24/7. Just look at this morning’s postings on the Neilochka Stalker site:

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one.png  March 19, 2006 @ 9am  Neil spotted in bed, annoyed at being woken up by the stupid birds outside, just when the dream about the two hot female bloggers washing his back in the shower was getting good.   Neil scratches his balls and heads for bathroom. 

two.png March 19, 2006 @ 9:20am  Neil spotted peeing in bathroom, than taking shower.  He mumbles something to himself about the "dream" shower being "a hundred fucking times better" than the real shower.  The next door neighbor turns on her shower.  Neil is scalded with hot water.

three.png March 19, 2006 @ 9:40am  Neil is spotted wearing his new light blue boxer briefs.  He spends a few minutes posing in the mirror in various muscle man positions.  Neil sees female neighbor in adjacent apartment window.  Neil smiles at her.   Her boyfriend suddenly appears at window.  Boyfriend puts up middle finger at Neil and they both laugh at Neil.  Neil closes shades.

four.png March 19, 2006 @ 10am  Neil spotted in kitchen, grabbing orange juice and bagel from the refrigerator.  He is seen opening his front door and picking up his Los Angeles Times from the hallway.  He looks down the hall, pissed, when he discovers that someone already stole the "magazine section" and the classifieds.

five.png March 19, 2006 @ 10:40am  Neil is spotted sitting on couch, reading article in "Calendar section" about successful screenwriter/director complaining about the hardships of his tremendous success.  Neil dozes off again.   He dreams that he is back in the shower with two hot female bloggers.  

six.png March 19, 2006 @ 10:50am  Neil is spotted on the couch getting woken up by ringing of the telephone.  It is Sophia.  She reminds him of some chore he is supposed to do for her parents.  Neil says he will do it "right away."

seven.png March 19, 2006 @ 11:15am  Neil is spotted sitting at the computer rather than doing "chore for Sophia’s parents."  He is writing an amusing comment on the site of one of the hot female bloggers, hoping he will impress her with his wit.

eight.png March 19, 2006 @ 12:01pm  Neil is spotted sleeping at his desk.  The phone rings.  Neil doesn’t answer it.

nine.png March 19, 2006 @ 1:00pm   Neil is spotted watching "Escape from Planet of the Apes" on DVD while eating Cheerios from the box.  This is the 124th time he’s seen this movie.  Neil finds himself becoming strangely aroused by Zira, the kind-hearted chimpanzee female scientist.

ten.png March 19, 2006 @ 1:50pm  Neil is spotted lying on the floor, still watching the movie.  His cell phone rings over and over again.  Neil answers it.  It is Sophia, angry.  Neil says he is on his way to her parents.  His excuse:  he was delayed because they were running "The LA Marathon" right in front of his apartment and he couldn’t leave just yet.   Sophia apologizes for getting upset.  After he hangs up, Neil laughs.  He mumbles something about loving the LA Marathon!  He returns to watching the movie.

36 Comments

  1. MUHARHARHAR.. one thing I love about you is u never fail to bring out the laughter in me…. at your expense of course! LOL

    OK… where can I link Neil Stalker?

  2. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who never leaves the house.

    The post is hilarious, Neil. I’m sure you’ll impress all the hot female bloggers with your wit.

  3. You always impress us female bloggers with your wit Neil.

  4. So it would seem that if I station myself near the livingroom, I’m bound to catch a glimpse of the elusive Neil.

    Plane ticket to LA? Check.
    Telephoto lens? Check.
    Tranquilizer darts? Check.

    See you soon!

  5. If there were an MG!Stalker map, it would look pretty similar: apartment, various coffeeshops, more apartment.

    I am disturbed, very disturbed, by Gawker Stalker. I think that by being a celebrity you sign on for a certain amount of visibility, but this is ridiculous.

  6. Glad to see you aim at international audience, Neil,what with the square footage of the rooms of your (or rather your frind’s)apartment in meters as well as feet.
    That’s right, keep optimistic.

  7. Maybe it’s just me but I thought stalking was supposed to be challenging? I mean, how else are you supposed to show true love and devotion if you’re not sitting outside in someone’s bushes for three weeks striaght living on 7-11 coffee and Cheetos recording their every move from sunrise to sunset?
    The old-fashioned stalkers really knew how to say “I love you”. And also, you know, “I’m going to break into your house and wear your underwear later.”

  8. Are you sure that’s when you woke up? My Neilochka Stalker Cam (TM) that I hid very carefully in your pad says you woke up at least an hour before that and were walking around naked that whole time. Thankfully, the focus was off.

  9. heehee…at least the dream continued with a part 2.

  10. Maybe this is some kind of Black-Ops conspiracy against you. Watch out for the helicopters.

  11. i love the diagram- you really get around!

    😉 sizz

  12. This is kind of like the show 24.

  13. Wow! You’re a busy guy! 🙂

  14. You know you have to have a developer make some kind of java thingy we can all put on our blogs: “Neilochka-Kam” or something like that.

    And I LOVE the L.A. Marathon. It is the one day of the year I understand what it is like for people with flatulence to have a dog to blame things on.

  15. I’m hoping that some peeved celebrity starts a Gawker Stalker-Stalker site for tracking and reporting the movements of those narking little interns.

    Anyway, aren’t the most interesting things going on inside average people’s living rooms? Think Jimmy Stewart, spying on his neighbors, in Rear Window.

    Of course, Neil isn’t just an average person, which is probably why interesting things aren’t happening in his living room.

  16. Damn you funny man — Diet Dr Pepper hurts when shot up through the nose.

  17. Great diagram. I feel like I’ve really spent a day with you now.

  18. You have a balcony?

  19. Those irreverent jerks!

  20. wow! They should make a realtime Sims Neilochka Stalker website…. A 3D image of your apartment and a computer generated animation of you scratching your balls and prancing around in your boxer briefs. That would be sweet!

  21. You didn’t run in the marathon? Even so, it sounds like an exciting day!

  22. I love that #2 is in the bathroom. Because I have the brain of an eight year-old boy.

  23. I’m reading this at work in a half comatose stupor – Monday’s suck! I am so completely envious of you right now. I want to be home lolling and napping too! Waaaaaaa!

  24. brilliant.

    neil, you are brilliant.

    and strangely, i am so very comforted that i am not the only one who never leaves my apartment. (ok, except i actually do go out every once i while to take out the trash or get my mail in the building lobby – LOL!)

  25. Going outside is overrated!

  26. never heard of it, but thanks to your sophia for the link to yours, it’s riveting.

  27. Crude comment or normal one? Crude or normal?

    “LA Marathon? That’s a good one…I’ll have to remember that”

  28. Zira, huh? Isn’t she in the new SI (Simians Illustrated) swimsuit issue?

  29. Mernit – At least I found someone who knows who Zira is!

  30. Well done, grasshopper.

  31. So we both talked about showers in our blogs today. That can’t be a coincidence.

  32. Why is it that I suddenly can’t get The Truman Show out of my head? ARGH!!!

  33. Neil, honey, I think you should leave your apartment. Just try it. I promise it’ll be OK.

  34. Unlike Neilstalker, most of the Gawkerstalkers are fake. No harm, no foul.

    I’m off to shower.

  35. You don’t pee in the shower?

  36. I enjoyed that #2 was the bathroom. And that’s about the maturity level of my sense of humor today.

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