the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

What the Kids Say

Am I losing my cool? Do I need to listen to more hip hop? I used to be the hippest dude on the block. Now I watch re-runs of Matlock on TV.

Yesterday, there were four comments that sent me over to Google Search. Where do you people pick up your words? Is it because I don’t have kids? I don’t know what you are talking about half the time!

These are four actual comments left yesterday:

I’d let you rub my honker at a BlogHer pajama party — Black Hockey Jesus

OK, now I’m not stupid. I’m assuming BHJ is referring to his dick. Or do I just assume every guy is talking about his dick? I could swear, though, that “honker” used to be a slang for nose. I think I can actually remember a Bugs Bunny episode where Bugs squeezes Elmer Fudd’s “honker.”

Educate me!

I don’t know why men and women bloggers can’t be friends. I would like my very own Sanford, though — Sammanthia

I was totally lost here. Sanford? The only connection I could make here was to the seventies sitcom, Sanford and Son. But what is the meaning? Is Sammanthia saying she has a fantasy of making love to an older, foul-mouthed African-American man who runs a junk yard? Hey, I don’t judge anyone’s sex dreams, but why is she mentioning it here in this context?

Educate me.

No. Those friendships are impossible. I’m fucking TIRED of moms asking me for pictures of my moobs. — Backpacking Dad

Moobs. After a second I did figure it out. Moobs = man boobs. But are we talking about any man? Or are we referring to an overweight guy who might have a “chest?” Is it a compliment to tell my trainer at the gym that “he has great moobs” or is it an insult? This is a word that I will not be using very often. I don’t even say the word boobs. Too wimpy. I say “tits.”

Educate me!

We don’t have mallowmars here, so if you’re coming for dinner, you can bring them! and bring your mom too, she can sleep over, i’ve always got room for “nana”. — Better Safe than Sorry

Nana? First of all, let me say, that I have never heard anyone Jewish call any relative “nana.” There is no more “goyish” word than “nana.” Someone Protestant might ask, “Will “Nana” be coming to the Easter dinner?” You will never hear someone Jewish ask, “Will “Nana” be bringing the kugel to the Passover seder.” Besides, I always thought that “Nana” meant grandmother. Now I know my mother just retired, but are you going to call my mother “Grandma” when you meet her? Unless there is something you want to tell about that little “lunch” we had nine months ago?

Educate me!

Now if I know most of you are laughing at me, feeling good about yourself, saying Neilochka is such a stick in the mud while I am so hip with the lingo!

Well, now is your chance to prove it to me. I just read this article in my mother’s, uh… AARP magazine titled, What Are They Talking About? 50 Words That Kids Think You Don’t Know.

Prove to me that we really are BFF. Tell me how many you DON’T KNOW. The answers are on the AARP site.

tatted out
tramp stamp
scooby doos
soul patch
baby mama
mash up
check vitals
jump the shark
talk smack
fo’ shizzle
bomb, the
off the chain

Now, how cool am I — referencing the rad AARP magazine?! Sweet!


  1. anna

    Am I seriously the first? This has never happened. I feel like I should come back later.

    First of all, thanks for the blog crush of the day honor!

    Sanford–gay friend of Carrie on SATC (sorry, don’t kill the messenger)

    I don’t know scooby doos or brodown, but isn’t that what wikidemia is for?

  2. natalie

    hilarious! i didn’t know some of these either. but i can totally blame the fact that i live overseas. whew. that was a close one! i do expect to hear some of these from my kids when i get back and now i will be in the know! thanks aarp!

  3. Roadchick

    I knew most of them but had to look up scooby doos, brodown, T5, and jump the shark.

    I also didn’t catch the reference to Sanford mainly because even though I watch SATC, I can never remember Sanford’s name. I always think of him as “the little gay guy”.

    I think I’m getting old because even though I know most of the slang, I can’t be bothered to use most of it.

  4. Sammanthia

    You can educate me on better romantic comedies (I still stand by my choice… “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” is all kinds of awesome) and I’ll educate you on all things SATC.

  5. TMC

    The only one I don’t know is T5.

    BTW (?!), I’ll call Mom Grandma only if I can call you Daddy.

  6. Sammanthia

    PS What’s cupcaking?

  7. magpie

    You mean I have to start reading my mother’s AARP magazine? Shit.

  8. AnnieH(the other Annie)

    Whoa..slow down there. Don’t be dissin’ The AARP. Boomers obviously still ROCK and can jump the shark with the flossiest of their newbie peeps. Trust me. Fo’shizzle, man. Peace out.:>)

  9. morton

    I lost count at 11, and I’m 25 years old.

    Is “friend” a trick question? It has to be right?

  10. iMommy

    OK, well, Sanford is a gay guy on Sex & the City, I believe 🙂 He’s very cute. And gay.

    As for being hip…
    Hmm… I’m 23… and I didn’t know these when I read them..
    *tramp stamp
    *scooby doos
    *mash up
    *check vitals
    *floss (Uhh, I do this every day. Flossing. You know. With teeth. Right??)
    *friend (unless this means what I think it means. Which is friend. WTF?)
    *jump the shark

    Hmm. Guess I’m more behind than I thought!

  11. Jurgologie

    I don’t know what a “scooby doo” is, although it’s a damn fine cartoon that I still enjoy. “Chav” and “T5” elude me as well. Um, but that’s it. Read Fark, Gawker and Jezebel enough and you start using them OUT LOUD, much to pretty much everyone else in the world’s chagrin.

  12. Marinka

    I totally missed the Sanford reference too, but I can’t stop laughing at your take on it.

  13. Kathy

    I’m a chronically uncool 35-year-old. Until now, I’d never heard crackberry, IDK, tatted out, tramp stamp, scooby doos, cupcaking, floss, and totes.

  14. HouseofJules

    It’s STANFORD, not Sanford. When I read “Sanford” in the original comment (and the subsequent explanatory comments in this post), I felt my face get all red, like when I was a kid and my mom did something embarrassing. So, yeah, STANFORD. Gay guy on SATC. 🙂
    House of Jules

  15. Finn

    There were only two words I didn’t know on that list. Now I know them. Hold me, I’m scared.

  16. Neil

    House of Jules —

    ha ha, it is Stanford! So everyone else is stupid, not me!

    Everyone in LA knows “jump the shark.”

  17. anymommy

    Am anti-hip. I need to look up the whole list. Except Jump the Shark, which is a Happy Days reference. These kids think they make this shit up!

    Your nana rant was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  18. Lis Garrett

    I’m only 31, and yet I don’t know what quite a few of those terms mean. I’ll chalk it up to the fact that, even though I have three kids, the oldest one is only nine. Beyond “BFF,” I’m not picking up much slang from her!

    floss?? (I’m assuming that’s not the white stuff you pull between your teeth)

    I could go on, but I don’t want to embarrass myself.

  19. paintergirl

    Personally my favs are cougar and baby mama. My mom gets that mag and she is 80 and really doesn’t need to know what any of these words mean.

  20. schmutzie

    You are being featured on Five Star Friday:

  21. MammaLoves

    Leave it to you making AARP cool.

    I think you should change your blog name to:

    Neilochka–Bringing the Cool

  22. kenju

    I knew 22 of them and I could guess a few others. And AARP has some good content….

  23. Dagny

    Hmmm. T5? Chav? And “jump the shark” must be a regional thing. Y’all can keep that one. Just don’t take my “hella.”

  24. dan

    and this doesn’t even get into lolspeak. I tells ya it’s a brave new world (or BNW) out there. However, my darling grandmother Zerline “Zucky” Blattner, revered founder of her Lima Ohio synagogue, was ALWAYS “nana” to her grandkids – and her daughter is “nana” to my son and his cousin. If that’s goyishe, I’m leaving you off the schnecken and hamentashen mailing lists. TTYL!

  25. Middle-Aged-Woman

    Scooby doos, brodown, bromance, chav, and T5 were new for me. I am still 5 years away from AARP, which they start pestering you with at 50.

  26. Fancy

    Once on Urban Dictionary to look up the few I didn’t know, I had to look them all up because their definitions are so hysterical. While I may have known quite a few of those phrases, I’ll admit to only breaking them out when I’m trying to embarrass my 14 year old son. One has to get one’s amusement somewhere. (Also, when my mother, Esther, found out she was going to be a grandmother at the age of 42, she couldn’t deal with being called Grandma, and decided she would be Nana instead. Of course, she had been living as a goy (shiksa?) for over 20 years by that point.

  27. ingrid

    oh neil. i’m just drunk enough to affirm my love for you. that’s all.

  28. better safe than sorry

    my kids are aged 13, 17 and 23 and my oldest can’t keep up with the youngest, by the time i’ve caught on to whatever is in, it’s already out.
    i’m an rc (roman catholic) and if a woman in her 70’s is sleeping over in my house, there’s a good chance my kids are going to call her nana kramer, i have no idea what you even call a jewish grandmother, your mother can correct my kids when she comes to visit.
    i’ve already gone through menopause, so that lunch we had nine months ago is going to result in nothing other than a smoking hot memory;)

  29. Dagny

    Oh, and the best way to keep up on the latest is to spend time around young people — teach, tutor, mentor. That’s how I know most of my vocab.

  30. Sammanthia

    Yes, I misspelled “Stanford”. And I did it twice. Oh, the shame.

  31. plain jane

    I have a membership to AARP and even I know what a tramp stamp is. Fortunately, I don’t have one–I’m no cougar.

  32. Jack

    Actually I know a bunch of Jews who use the term nana, they prefer it to bubbie.

  33. leah

    i have no idea what any of this means.

  34. All Adither

    Oh, AARP. I think some of these are a little fringey. I bet a lot of teenagers wouldn’t even know what a quarter of them mean.

  35. Jozet at Halushki

    I knew a lot of those, but only because I work at a bookstore with a lot of young punks. They got me wearing layered t-shirts and bumping fists and what not.

    And Bugs Bunny is a dirty, dirty bunny for touching someone’s honker.

  36. blissfully caffeinated

    Just today I finally googled ZOMG and PWND because I just had no idea what the frick people were talking about.

    Laughing so hard at the Sanford / Stanford thing. I have this image of a woman that wants a gay best friend but instead ends up with a grizzled old junkyard owner.

    Also? I think “Jump the Shark” has jumped the shark.

  37. deidre

    I didn’t know what AARP was? Maybe it’s because I’m so young and naive?

    Oh Neil – Sanford.

    I, also, don’t know any Jews who rock the term Nana. My Grandmother refused to be called any term that resembles grandma…and continues to insist that she is 39.

  38. vodkamom

    okay. I got 12. and I can pretty much decipher ANYTHING. God dammit.

  39. bejewell

    I started to count the ones I didn’t know but then I got depressed and quit. Let’s just say it was most of them.

    I did know “moobs,” though. My husband’s are super sexy.

  40. deidre

    You could compliment men a the gym for their attractive mits, no?

  41. Tootsie Farklepants

    I don’t have a clue what a “chav” “nutter” “snog” or “T5” is. Soul patches are too scratchy for my…um…satisfaction.

  42. margalit

    I’m way old enough to be a member of AARP but I also have two teenagers, which puts me at a big advantage. The only things I haven’t heard from my kids are cupcaking, T5, and chav. Otherwise, I’m hip to the kids lingo, dude.

  43. Sherri

    I think I’ll simply go back to pretending I know what all of those words mean. Life was easier that way. But hey, thanks for a laugh and thanks for reminding me that I am old. [ps: New reader here. Love your blog!]

  44. John

    Hahaha. You’re not alone Neil. If not for Urban Dictionary, I’d be fucked.

  45. Jane

    I was laughing by the second line, in which you imagined yourself once being the hippest dude on the block.

    Now that you’ve bought a golf sweater, that dream is totally dead.

    Linda and I are both Jewish, and we both had a nana. I think it’s not that uncommon when your bubbe comes from the Eastern bloc.

  46. Ginger

    I’m right there with John…thank goodness for the Urban Dictionary.

  47. Heather, Queen of Shake Shake

    I didn’t know 26 of those words and I do have kids, though not of the texting age yet.

  48. SciFi Dad

    Wasn’t the Jewish grandmother on The OC Nana?

    And, I probably knew about 30-40 of the 50 in that list. Some of the ones I didn’t were cupcaking, chav, and nutter.

  49. Neil

    I don’t care what any of you say, I called my Grandmother — Grandma.

  50. churlita

    I just assume that whatever they, all men are always talking about their dicks. It’s a pretty safe assumption.

    I have teenage daughters, so I knew most of the words on there. Not that I wanted to, because that means I’ve listened to WAY too many teenage conversations.

  51. patois

    Damn. There goes any hope of checking up on any other blog posts I missed while hooping it up at Disneyland. I stopped counting how many I didn’t know when I hit 15.

  52. Anissa@Hope4Peyton

    what the fark is “cupcake”? Because I know the noun, but something about this says verb to me…and i just don’t get it. Does it resemble a reach-around? Educate ME!

  53. Diane Mandy

    fo’ shizzle?? Do people even say that anymore?

  54. mommypie

    If all else fails, just make slang up and pretend all the cool kids know what it means.

    Not like *I* do that or anything.

  55. Astrogirl

    I think that if I’m going to be giving you dating advice, darlin, I’m going to have to start writing it down. We can start off right now:

    1. Since it’s usually a safe bet that most men are *thinking* of their dicks, then it’s pretty safe to assume they’re also talking *about* their dicks most of the time.

    2. Never admit to your own un-hipness. Remember: debonair is ages better than hip. Any woman would pick smooth and sophisticated over young and hip. Trust me. The trick is to make it appear that your abstemiousness with the hip lingo is purposeful.

    3. The trick to appearing younger is to spend your time with older people. It works like a charm – trust me, I know. After all, age is relative!

  56. Annie

    Neil, I laughed out loud and for a long time I did not think I could stop laughing. I am with you, I don’t know what any of those comments meant and only knew a handfull of the list. I feel fine being in your company :-).

  57. dea

    Not to burst your ranty bubble, but there are definitely Jewish Nanas. I didn’t have one–I had a Granny and a Bubby–but my next door neighbors growing up (also Jewish) had a Nana. And that was in the ’70s. In New Jersey. (So don’t try to wiggle out of it by assuming it was some weird California assimilated variant or something). And since, I’ve seen Nana used more and more often.

    And in fact, even hipper, more famous Jews than I also confirm the Nana-Jew connection.

  58. gentleman savant

    This post is priceless, Neil. Now tell them to get off your lawn!

    Some of these terms are archaic by today’s standards. I haven’t heard anyone say “off the chain” in hella days (as we Northern Californians love to say).

  59. LisaBinDaCity

    Not losing your cool card, just aging, my friend.

    Sucks, eh?

  60. Jenny, Bloggess

    My mom is totally a “nana” but considering her nickname since childhood has been Nan that’s to be expected. Also, she’s not Jewish. Unless she’s recently converted from Atheism.

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