Sanford: Hi, I’m Redd Foxx.
Stanford: And I’m Wille Garson.
Sanford: Together we play Sanford and Stanford, on the new hit CBS comedy of the same name.
Stanford: And if you have no idea what we are talking about, you apparently didn’t read Neilochka’s last post, which has been up there for at least five days.
Sanford: Yeah, what’s your problem? Why didn’t you read it, you sucka? How would you like one across yo’ lip??!
Stanford: Ha Ha, Redd. Remember, non-violence is the answer. Unless, we are fighting for a table at Hugo’s in West Hollywood for Sunday brunch!
Sanford: That was one lame fruitcake joke, Stanford.
Stanford: On our show, the two of us are constantly battling as I attempt to transform Fred’s old junkyard into a trendy B&B for the gay, lesbian and transgender community.
Sanford: Transgender? What the hell is that?!
Stanford: (whispers something in his ear)
Sanford: Holy…! (grabbing his chest) Oh, this is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth?! I’m coming to join you, honey!”
Stanford: Ooh boy, and I thought only gay men were drama queens!
Sanford: As you can see, on Sanford and Stanford, we play it up for laughs. But today, as part of CBS Cares, we’d like to talk to you about something that is not funny at all — an issue that is heating up America during this election year.
Stanford: We are speaking about “Can Male and Female Bloggers Ever Be Friends?”
Sanford: And Stanford and I both agree — the answer is “Yes”.
OK, this is Neilochka. I am interrupting this post for three reasons.
1) It is not that funny.
2) I cannot come up with a good ending.
3) I am worried that readers born after 1980 have never heard of Sanford and Son, and will think of me as an old fart who doesn’t know what LOL means.
The point of this post is to say that I met Astrogirl from Notes From the Bunker this weekend. We had a great time together. We had pizza at my favorite Queens pizzeria, Valentino’s. We saw art at the Frick Collection.
We then went to a cool exhibit on Chinese Propaganda at the Asia Society.
We ate sushi and I got slightly drunk on sake. Oh, and yeah, she is married, so it was all safe. There was no action other than her letting me see her tattoo on her back.
But Astrogirl was also nice enough to give me hints on some “do”s and “don’t”s for when I actually go on a REAL date.
For example, don’t make a woman self-conscious about food. I’ve met quite a few female bloggers for lunch and I am always fascinated by what they order — and don’t order. I’m always wondering — are some women afraid of being seen eating a sandwich or finishing everything on the plate? Is it a rule for the woman to fake insecurity about ordering dessert? Do women really want a “side salad” when the man orders a six foot hero? Should the man order a boring salad too, just to show comraderie? Finally, while it might seem like a compliment to tell a classy dame like Astrogirl that, “You are ordering two slices of pizza?! I love that you’re doing that. I hate when women only order a salad and never finish it. You clearly have no phobia about eating! I knew I was going to like you in person!” she probably is going to overlook the accolades and just think that you are calling her a pig.
Sanford: I know my sister-in-law Esther can swallow a whole franchise of Domino’s in one night.
Esther: You shut up Fred, you fish-eyed heathen!
Sanford: Oh no, Esther, where the hell do you come from? You scared me. You are so ugly, I could stick your face in some pizza dough and it would scare away the tomato sauce.
Stanford: Come on, you two. I hate when people fight. Unless of course if it is a party at David Geffen’s home and we both show up wearing the same outfit!
Sanford: Stanford, you big dummy!
Neilochka: Boy, this Sanford and Stanford idea is as unfunny as a SNL skit!
(By the way, don’t worry, Astrogirl, I’m also gonna tell my readers that you are like size -4 so other women can hate you as one of those skinny bitches who can eat two slices of pizza without even worrying about it).