the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

More Angst: A Question for Married Female Bloggers

I’m a crazy guy with marital issues who currently lives with his mother and talks about his penis all the time. You’re an attractive, intelligent married woman with two children. We both blog.

Can we ever really become friends?

Was I “safer” as a male blogger when I was living with Sophia? Should I steer away from commenting on your cleavage in every Flickr photo, even after ten other women did the exact same thing? Should I even try to say hello to you on IM or does it seem like I am on the prowl, especially after I admited to my one night wild online sex email night? Do you think it bothers the Palinode that I am better friends with his wife, the better-looking Schmutzie? If I were travelling in your town, would your family put me up for the night? Would your husband care if he caught us in bed together during the afternoon, even though we were only eating malomars and watching “All My Children” (but in the nude, since it is the best way to watch soaps). Is there a way to be a buddy with you, respecting you wit and intelligence, while at the same time, acknowleging that I am a man and you are a woman, and that I am not your gay sidekick from Sex in the City?

Imaginary IM Conversation:

Me: “.. so anyway, you just click on that WordPress plugin, and that should take care of you blog backups..”

She: “That was so easy. Thanks, Neilochka. You Rawk!”

Me: “Oh, and I saw that new photo of you on Facebook. Wow, your breasts are amazing! Your husband is one lucky man.”

She: “Thanks, I’ll tell Jim you said so. You coming to the BlogHer pajama party on Saturday?”

Me: “Absolutely. I’m already working on the Swedish meatballs for the pot luck.”

She: “Mmmm. All the girls can’t wait to see you. We loved how you felt us all up — one by one — during the night. You have such big… hands! Jim thought that was so funny and… typical of you. Are you going to be doing it again this time?”

Me: “If it is OK with Jim and the other husbands…”

She: “Sure, sure. They love it when we have a good time with you. I mean, we work so hard during the week with the kids. Why shouldn’t we have some fun?”

Me: “Jim’s a great husband.”

She: “He’s the best, and a good provider. And despite whatever problems you have with Sophia, it’s wonderful that she is understanding, too. It really isn’t such a big deal that your female blog friends enjoy giving you oral sex so much. She knows that it isn’t serious — only a form of affection for our “Neilochka.” We consider it more “social media” and “community building.””

Me: “My community is building right now thinking about it… if you know what I mean.”

She: “LOL (spits diet Coke onto monitor) You are so… funny!”


  1. Twenty Four At Heart

    I loved this post!! Hey, have you come over yet to read my latest sex post? It’s on Faking Orgasms (both women and men)? I didn’t know men fake it too? Why didn’t you tell me? Being my male friend and all.

    I have a lot of male friends and a naked slumber party is no big deal. Briefcase only gets uptight about the guys who are really hung. Would that be an issue?

  2. Poppy


    A lot of married bloggers are Looking, so they have the illusion of safeness.

    At least when you’re single we know you’re looking, there’s no question that you might randomly hit on us.

    Do I make any sense today?

    Please don’t hit on me, though. 🙂

  3. Black Hockey Jesus

    I’d let you rub my honker at a BlogHer pajama party.

  4. MammaLoves

    Thanks for changing the names to protect my identity, but you know I prefer Nutter Butters when naked soap-watching.

  5. churlita

    Wow. It all sounds so Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice in your world.

  6. always home and uncool

    This why my wife is concerned about my reading you.

  7. Karen Sugarpants

    I don’t drink Diet Coke. 😛

  8. chris

    “Can we ever really become friends?”

    I don’t know. Probably not without some degree of sexual tension penetrating (sorry) most, if not all interactions. (We know this happens for men, but it does for women as well.)

    I’m old-fashioned, so I wouldn’t get naked in mixed company. My husband wouldn’t like that.

    True platonic friendships? I believe they can happen – maybe. I think thoughts of “what if he/she gets a divorce, or his/her partner has the misfortune of passing… so sad… but, what would the future hold?”

    VERY funny post.

  9. vodkamom

    Changing YOUR name? I thought he was talking about ME. You men are all alike.

  10. Danny

    Damn, you’re funny. And I SO needed a laugh this morning–I can’t remember the last time I laughed from something I read online. I also can’t think of any time I said anything remotely risque online EXCEPT on this blog. You bring out a different side to all your readers which is one of the reasons we keep coming back.

  11. Marinka

    For me the answer is “no”, but just because I’m a faghag.

  12. morton

    Neil, it has been my experience (as a married male blogger) that if you are just a complete ass who shows no respect for the attractive married or unmarried female blogger with whom you are trying to convince to send you naughty pictures of herself to you, then you shall reap the reward of said photographs and the subsequent naughty online conversations that will almost always follow the sending of the pictures.

    Example (this is almost word for word a conversation I had with a female blogger):

    me: I’m fucking horny right now.

    female: oh yeah?

    me: yeah, send me a picture of you.

    female: like what kind?

    me: you know what kind, now send it.

    female: ok, I just sent you a picture of me completely nude kissing my computer screen that has your picture on it right now.

    me: sweet, I gotta go now. My wife thinks I’m pooping. And I’ve been in here for like 35 minutes.

    female: ok, bye. I love you.

    me: yeah, whatever.

    It totally works.

  13. amy

    I love this post. I think men and women can meet and be true friends if they meet after say the 20’s – if they are not a large part of each others past/history and such it can normally work out. It can be a slipepry slope bc women love their women friends so madly and deeply and it is socially acceptable- but it is hard to be allowed to love yr male friends with passion and not cross any lines. I would so kiss my best girlfriends on the mouth while drinking and wild one night, but not my male friends else I am a trollop. It is so hard to figure these things out
    Anyhoo- I think we would so hang out if geographically blessed! I think I rambled.

  14. Peeved Michelle

    I don’t think we could be friends. I tend to want to slap the angst out of my friends.

  15. Mr Lady


    I think married men and women bloggers can TOTALLY be friends. I’m married, I’m not DEAD, yo.

  16. Astrogirl

    I’m so glad you decided to post this after all! Should give us lots to talk about…

    I think it *is* sometimes difficult (I almost said “hard”, but then I remembered to whom I am speaking) for men and women to be close friends. There’s so many variables – what if one of you splits from your spouse? What if one of you finds the other physically attractive? What if one of you finds the other intellectually attractive? What if too much mojitos are imbibed one night, and inhibitions fly out the window in a night of wild, sweaty, Animal Channel sex?

    I didn’t say it was impossible – relationships between straight women aren’t easy either, sometimes. But if both parties try to keep it platonic, and are honest with each other about their feelings, it can be done. To answer your questions:

    Can we ever really become friends? Too late, we already are 🙂

    Was I “safer” as a male blogger when I was living with Sophia? No, because people “get involved” while married all the time.

    Should I steer away from commenting on your cleavage in every Flickr photo, even after ten other women did the exact same thing? It depends if I am the kind of woman who can handle that kind of attention, and keep you in your place if you need it. Some single women can’t do this.

    Should I even try to say hello to you on IM or does it seem like I am on the prowl, especially after I admited to my one night wild online sex email night? So, now we know you like sex. It was a big surprise. I personally am shocked. Please IM when you see me – I have my own self-esteem issues that keep me from IM-ing you when I see you.

    Do you think it bothers Palinode that I am better friends with his wife Schmutize? It might; it might not. Some guys don’t worry about that stuff. Ask Palinode. Or Schmutzie.

    If I were traveling in your town, would your family put me up for the night? Absolutely – we have and would put up friends for the night/weekend/longer.

    Would your husband care if he caught us in bed together during the afternoon, even though we were only eating malomars and watching “All My Children” (but in the nude, since it is the best way to watch soaps). On the couch fully clothed, no problem (and you know the way to my heart – mallowmars. Yummm) but in bed naked, well, Hubs isn’t THAT naive.

    Is there a way to be a buddy with you, respecting your wit and intelligence, while at the same time, acknowleging that I am a man and you are a woman, and that I am not your gay sidekick from Sex in the City? I hope so; anything less would be insulting to me and to you. No one said this shit was easy, but friendships are worth the struggle. Now stop thinking of me naked and get back to work. 😉

  17. Redneck Mommy

    If married men and women bloggers can’t just be friends online, then holy shit am I having a lot of internet affairs.

    I always knew I was cheap and easy, but wow.

  18. Rock and Roll Mama

    Neil, you’re such a blog gigolo. No, not really. I do think married bloggers and you can be friends, despite your manly prowess and what I’m sure is a lovely wang.
    HOWEVER: I think there’s always a risk, in interactions that are primarily on the internet, of people romanticizing and idealizing the person who’s not the slob sleeping next to them, fucking up their feng shui with dirty clothes on the floor. (In my house that’s me, but whatever.)
    And you are a very funny man.

  19. Sammanthia

    You’re welcome to comment on my cleavage anytime. It would be nice if I HAD cleavage to comment on, but since I don’t, you’re welcome to lie about it.
    I joke around with Mark all the time about finding myself an internet boyfriend and he just tells me not to get pregnant. He’s cool like that. It’s all tongue in cheek, no one takes it seriously, so I don’t know why men and women bloggers can’t be friends. I would like my very own Sanford, though.

  20. Neil

    Redneck Mommy — I think it is easier for a married female blogger to become friends with a married male blogger. Both of you assume that you are committed. I am just curious if things seem different — or become more inappropriate when it is clear there is an issue in the man’s marriage… or if I were single.

  21. Neil

    Rock and Roll Mama — We spent a few hours alone a few months ago, eating unhealthy deli food and cheesecake, right? It was fun. I didn’t find it awkward at all. Did you? I don’t think I even commented once on the cleavage.

  22. Brenda - SeriouslyMama

    It’s all about trust and respect. If you are trusted and respected by your partner and you trust and respect your partner there are no worries. All in good fun. 😉

    Great post!

  23. John

    Hahaha. I so wanna live in your world Neil.

  24. Rock and Roll Mama

    I did NOT find it awkward. In fact, it was lovely. I don’t think I had cleavage, since it was a worky conference thing that brought me to the city, but as I walked to the loo I felt no eyes on my behind. And I have eyes in the back of my head, you know, 3 kids thing.
    All joking aside, it was great to hang out with you, and I think if anyone can both be a red blooded merican male and still have scads of chick friends it’s you. I see your point with the question, but I think by simply asking it you’re bringing the transperency to the process that makes it possible.

  25. ingrid

    “LOL (spits cherry Coke onto monitor) You are so… funny!”


    Bring it on.

  26. Annika

    Of course we could be friends, if you’d just stop over-thinking it.

  27. kenju

    You really are hilarious!

  28. Neil

    Rock and Roll Mama — there was one awkward part for me. That is when we ordered one cheesecake to share. And I wasn’t sure if we should cut it and put it on separate plates or just eat it together from the same plate — cause I was worried that it would look too “date-like.”

    And I did take a very quick glance at your behind. Very quick.

  29. sassy

    Hehe, I don’t think my husband would wantt you under our roof !

  30. Undomestic Diva

    No, we can’t just be friends. But you didn’t email me for my im username to talk about the weather, right?

  31. catnip

    This is why I don’t have pics of my cleavage on my flickr. And I prefer Guiding Light and Hostess cupcakes.

  32. anna

    Of course married female bloggers can be friends with unmarried male bloggers. I’m not sure it works the other way around, though. I’m told men are always thinking about sex. They confuse and frighten me.

  33. better safe than sorry

    guess you were having a bill clinton moment when you wrote this. my husband’s name is jim but i have no idea what a malomar is, i’m guessing a chocolate bar or something. i still think you’re harmless, but i have two daughters, so if you’re thinking of staying here overnight if you come to visit, think again.

  34. Neil

    Better Safe — You need to try a malomar!

    There is a photo here —

  35. Nics

    What about the unmarried bloggers? Did YOU not feel safer when you were with Sophia?

  36. Loralee

    Hell yes, we can be friends. As long as I get to know you to some degree and the very first thing out of your mouth isn’t “Holy hell! Your boobies are magical!”.

    You have to wait at least until the 4th sentence to spout that one off, Mister!

    Seriously, though. Yes. You can be friends, IMO.

    P.S. I totally want in on that slumber party.

  37. Neil

    Nics, that is a whole other blog post.

  38. Connie

    Is it wrong that this post turned me on? Perhaps I shouldn’t drink anymore wine tonight.

    Heck ya, you can still be friends. Besides, what happens at BlogHer stays at Blogher!

  39. Backpacking Dad

    No. Those friendships are impossible. I’m fucking TIRED of moms asking me for pictures of my moobs. Jesus. And no, I’m not going to IM with you, lady. Stop buying shit at bakeries, telling me you made it, and sending it to my house.

  40. Neil

    Backpacking Dad – I never heard of the word “moobs” until two weeks ago, when I read it on your blog.

  41. Neil

    By the way, I just read over the comments, but I don’t think everyone was that honest. I do think there will be barriers.

  42. LVGurl

    We’re friends, right? My husband knows who you are, has met you. You’ve been around my kids.

    We were friends when things were OK with Sophia, and I’d like to think we’re still friends given your present situation.

    I never thought if it was “safe” or not. But I would say that NOW would be safer, because you are much more open about your emotions. A ticking time bomb of unresolved tension is far more destructive.

  43. Rock and Roll Mama

    Hmmm. Now I feel dirty, and retract all my earlier statements. No, not really. Stop overthinking it! Just cause we have vajayjays doesn’t mean married chicks can’t be your friends.

  44. Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Oh sure, we could be friends….in HELL!
    Look, you’re not really Citizen of the Month and I’m not really a bunch of Nanny Goats in Panties, so already our relationship is based on lies – I mean, how could we trust each other? We’ve only just met and I bet our expectations of each other are completely out of balance.

    And don’t get me started on that whole When Harry Blogger Met Sally Blogger sequel thing.

  45. Redneck Mommy

    Dude, it doesn’t matter if you are single or not to me. As long as the male I am interacting with is charming, intelligent and funny I’m willing to be charmed by them. (You.)

    It doesn’t hurt that you tell me I have a great rack either. A little ego stroking goes a long way.

    But seriously, as long as I’m comfortable with the level of social flirting, it’s mutual and not crossing any invisible boundaries, I feel it’s not only perfectly acceptable and possible.

    Now, if the male blogger (married or single) lived next door to me or within driving distance, I may think twice. But since you live in a box on my lap, I’m not so worried about it.

  46. Redneck Mommy

    However, that said, internet romances can happen whether you are married or not, so for me personally, I have boundaries I will not cross.

    Talk about my boobs, but don’t ask me to show them to you.

    And the moment a male blogger friend asks for cybersex, the line has been crossed and the friendship is wrecked. I choose to guard my marriage zealously. I CHOOSE to ensure all of my interactions will not interfere with my relationship with my husband.

    Even if that means I can’t ask Loralee for a picture of her boobs.


  47. Miguelina

    Neil, I think you overthink things. But that’s why we all love you.

  48. Shelly

    I’m probably the wrong generation, but what the hey.

    My husband would not understand or take it in stride.

    I have no problem with guys online saying hi in IMs or leaving comments on my posts of a congenial nature. I don’t post pics of myself so that issue is moot. I’d probably feel uncomfortable if women commented on how hot I looked as much as men doing it. Conversations of a personal nature — “How’s the spouse?” “Fine, how’s your social life? Meet anyone interesting?” — would be fine, but the imagined conversation you posted? Not so much.

    Funny post, tho. 🙂

  49. Black Hockey Jesus

    Neil. You’re being very interactive with your readers. Except for me when I said you could touch my honker.

  50. Neil

    Black Hockey Jesus – I must be totally out of it because I am not hip with the latest slang. Is it because I don’t have kids. First it was moobs with Backpacking Dad. And now you with a honker? What the hell is a honker? A dick? Didn’t a honker used to be the nose?

  51. Mrs. G.

    Frankly, I think it’s iffy. Maybe I’m old school but developing a friendship with a single (or married) guy at this point in life would feel a little weird unless there was a girlfriend/wife connection.

    But if you ever came to Seattle, I would make you dinner and let you bunk on the couch.

  52. better safe than sorry

    i remember your dessert post, i wanted that cheesecake! we don’t have mallowmars here, so if you’re coming for dinner, you can bring them! and bring your mom too, she can sleep over, i’ve always got room for “nana”.

  53. cog

    I was all ready to write something pithy and wise at the same time, but got distracted by the thought of living in a box on Redneck Mommy’s lap.

  54. AnnieH(the other Annie)

    Dear Neilochka, I believe you have left out one of your most endearing qualities–your Penis actually talks and can write its own blog. My hubby is generally not jealous of my friendships with talking body parts–at least, not yet.
    Onto the subject of gender and friendships…you may want to rethink the question and ponder the dynamics of friendships and the internet. While I can feel a kinship with writers of blogs &/or their comments, for me, it’s not the same as really knowing them or being real friends. And, I am quick to suggest that this may be a generational view of the technology.
    However, a small suspicion…just like I yell out to my TV every time one of these news stories comes on…THERE ARE NO 14yo girls getting online to meet old geezers in motel rooms and THERE ARE NO hitmen meeting crazy-trying-to-kill-their-husbands-women in seedy bars. Those are all cops. An intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive and funny man who blogs??? Cop.

  55. sweetney

    i’m friends with some married dude bloggers. i think it helps that they live on the other side of the country from me though, in terms of not creating problems with spouses and the like.

    but, if they were single? yeah, i think that might make for some weirdness.

  56. leah

    i’ve always subscribed to the belief that men and women can be friends without any sauce on the side.

    i say this b/c i’ve always had a lot of male friends, i’m not big on the girlie girl stuff.

    i cannot imagine any hard and fast “rules” about it b/c every person is different. certainly, lines can get crossed but if a person’s motives are honorable, there shouldn’t be anything to worry about.

    p.s. i shoulda read this before i tweeted you with my question.

  57. Anissa@Hope4Peyton

    Seriously, Neil, you could roll around naked in my bunk and as long as you didn’t let your cookies crumble directly where my husband wants to lay his head, he could give a crap.

    I might not let you rub my honker, but I’d definitely want you as my Mr Big!

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