Last week, I bought a toaster. On the box, it sold itself as "ideal" for toasting bagels. But then when I tried to used it, I had to literally stuff my bagel halves into the slots because they wouldn’t fit.
I hate false advertising.
I bring this up because a few nights ago, I was IM-ing with a female blogger about WordPress when she started flirting with me. I found this a little strange because I didn’t do anything to instigate this flirting. But then I realized what was going on — she had read my archives and got the impression of me as a flirtatious playboy, and a kinky one to boot.
It got me thinking — am I involved in false advertising myself?
OK, let me be honest. I haven’t been shy about flirting with my female readers. I have at one time or another visualized most of you, both married and single, as being naked in my bed. But before you call me a sicko — at least give me credit for being one of the few male bloggers who will actually admit this publicly.
Ladies — you have to understand how exciting it is for a man to have dozens of sexy, beautiful, and witty women coming to HIS blog because they are interested in something HE has to say! This never happens to most of us men in REAL LIFE!
In fact, this is as close as it gets to that fantastical heaven that those crazy male Muslim fanatics believe in — where dozens of virginal women surround them wearing nothing but lingerie. Except in my case, I press "Publish" rather than blow things up, my female readers probably wear torn sweatpants rather than lingerie while they read my blog, and considering my readers’ lascivious interests, my female blogging buddies haven’t been virgins for a very LONG time.
Now, so far, most of my flirting hasn’t gone beyond the written word. But who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll be meeting up with a female blogger, we’ll get a little drunk on Chianti, and before you know it — we’re naked in the bedroom.
Not only would that be an amazing sexual experience — imagine the great post I would have for the next day! I already can visualize the 100 comments!
But, like I said, I do not believe in false advertising. I would hate to disappoint anyone in bed. So, let me dispel three myths about me that you might have gotten from reading my blog. Let me help you better know the real Neilochka, not the blog Neilochka. This way, if we ever really do end up in the bed together, you won’t accuse me of sex under "false pretenses."
THREE MYTHS ABOUT ME
UNVEILING THE REAL NEILOCHKA
MYTH 1) Neil is an exciting guy.
The truth is — Neil is boring. Think about it. I love to blog. And what is blogging? Blogging is sitting around your apartment and typing on the computer. Is there anything more boring than that?
Every once in a while, Sophia will drag me out, and while I’m there, I’ll say, "This will make a great blog story." I’ll start writing the blog post on the back of a napkin. This drives Sophia up a wall. She has told me that I have become infinitely MORE BORING since I’ve started to blog. And she thought I was boring before blogging.
Sometimes, while driving in the car, I’ll turn to Sophia:
"I have this great idea for a blog post tonight."
"Will you shut up about your stupid blog. Enough already! I don’t want to hear anymore about your blog!"
"Anyway, here’s my blog idea…"
So, ladies, write this down. Neilochka = boring.
MYTH 2) Neil talks dirty in the bedroom and is kinky.
OK, Sophia, stop laughing.
Now, it is true that I frequently use words like "cock," "pussy," and "fuck" in my posts. But I am the complete opposite of the shy girl who turns into an wild animal in the bedroom, screaming "Fuck me! Fuck me with your big cock!"
The truth is I never curse in real life. Not even when driving in traffic. I never put up my middle finger. I never use any dirty words, including the ones mentioned above. Why do you think my mother can read those posts and find them amusing? She knows how she raised me. She knows that in real life, the word "cock" has never ONCE been part of my vocabulary.
Sophia has a dirty mouth. She can curse like a sailor. For years, she has tried to get me to curse, or at least not to be offended by her cursing, but I just can’t. I am totally pathetic. I am totally vanilla, which happens to be my favorite ice cream flavor.
Many of you would be bored with me in the bedroom. I only know a few "positions." I recently saw a book of Kama Sutra sex positions — and I didn’t know 3/4 of them even existed. Who can do all that stuff, with the woman hanging upside down? I have never had sex in an airplane, a car, an elevator, a library, the kitchen, the garage, my parents’ home, the state of New Mexico, and countless other interesting places.
If, for some reason, we are making out in some hotel, and we are about to make love, I strongly advise you to call Sophia on her cellphone beforehand — just to learn more about what I can and cannot do. Please be advised that just because I am an amazing stud in a post doesn’t guarantee a repeat performance in the REAL WORLD.
Also, remember this important piece of information:
Objects in the Blog may appear bigger than their actual size.
MYTH 3) Neil has a great smile.
So far, the only photo of myself that I have published is this one.
After I published it, someone emailed me and wrote, "What a nice smile you have."
In reality, I am self-conscious about how I look. When I was about to publish the photo, I thought my teeth looked too dark. So, if you zoom in, you can see that I used my expert Photoshop skills to whiten my teeth. Months later, Sophia still makes fun of me about that.
Now I can sleep better, knowing you know the truth.
Thank you for being upfront. As one of your many female readers I felt compelled to return your honesty….
Myth1 – We’re all babes.
The truth is, u think any hot, sexy mama would spend all these hours surfing blogs after blogs when we could have champagne and caviar elsewhere and have a life?
Myth2 – We’re all flirts.
Yeah, we do leave comments on the blogs we read… that is only if the blogger is kind enuff to reply to us. Things dun work like that in our real life.. nobody ever reply to us. Therefore, I do recommend Neil therapy to my loser friends to uphold their morale. Neil replies….
Myth3- We expect great sex from Neil.
Nay, dun lose sleep over this….not in our wildest dream. Great sex, NO. Great posting, YES.
Oh so now, if we ever do meet you and make out with you and have sex with you, we can only be pleasantly surprised…?
ha, good job. Now they will really start to flirt with you and more.
good tactical positioning ! 🙂
Nothing is sexier than a humble man who gives great Photoshop…
Oh… and I do wear lingerie while at my computer FYI.
Neil Therapy?? Where do I sign up? 🙂
Your plan seems to be working. Self deprecation wins the hearts of many. A good sincere ethos never hurt anyone. I bet that loads of women will email you and want to call you.
You aren’t pervy in the sack???
(damn it damn it damn it damn it!)
Very funny about your teeth. Half the fun of the internet is the possibility and potential, not the reality! (She says safely ensconced on the right coast.)
Neil you hot number you!
And does it have to be Chianti 😉
Damn you. Honesty is the biggest turn on for me!
I can’t even respond….
I actually read your blog with completely in-tact sweatpants. Holey ones are wrong, on many levels. (C’mon ladies)And also, just be prepared for the whole new set of women you might have just aquired. All those women who don’t like it when a man uses words like, “cock” in the bedroom. Sigh…must be tough being Neilochka.
haha, good luck!
Look, you keep writing about your sexual escapades and filthy mouth, and I’ll keep writing about this supposed group of “friends” I have in the “real world” who take me out to “bars” where we “talk” and “laugh.”
(By the way – nice ploy with the photo. You know that women love men w/ funky glasses and wind tossed hair. Damn you.)
Honesty and communication do dazzle us. And, as others mentioned above, I only read your posts in lingerie– if I am dressed, before I click on your site, I quickly make sure I am deshabille.
However, one thing that did surprise me– from your banner I expected you were quite young, perhaps barely in your early 20s. Your picture does not support that illusion— oh well, have to get my Demi Moore fix elsewhere.
“Now I can sleep better”
Sure you’ll sleep better, but you’ll probably be sleeping alone…now that you’ve become a mythbuster!
You should have maintained the myths…isn’t that what a popular storyteller does? (keep them guessing)
Since we are in the confessional I want to issue my own. I post here under 13 names. Six of them are clearly recognizable as being female, Five of them are names that could go either way like Pat and Shelley and two of them are different.
It is not easy maintaining those 13 names, especially trying to keep up 13 blogs. I am glad that we finally shared this, I feel much better now.
As President and CEO of the All American Red Toaster Company, I resent the implication that we are in some way engaging in false advertising or encouraging anti-Semitism in any way. All our toaster models are bagel friendly, but if you buy the wrong model then you may experience the difficulty you mentioned in your post. From your post I can tell that you have bought our model #34-9087 red toaster, which is a model specifically designed for Conservative Jewish congregations in the Greater Boston area. Depending on the size of your bagel, you may want to buy our model #34-9012, which is a larger model specifically designed to toast the bagels of Lubavitcher Hasidim in Crown Heights, New York; there is a slightly smaller model, #34-9010, for Satmar Hasidim in Williamsburg–the Satmar seem to prefer this model since it is not as vocal as the #34-3012 in its support of Israel. Our company also produces a wide selection of Zionistically inclined toasters for the West Coast, and in a matter of a few months we will bring out a combination toaster-CD player and a complementary CD of Gwen Stefani’s stupendous hit, “I aint no challah back girl!” If you return your current toaster to the company, complete with your receipt*, we will happily exchange your current toaster for a model more in tune with your needs. And if you ever say we engage in false advertising again we will sue your ass off, got me, blog boy?
Akaky Akakyevich Bashmachkin
President, All American Red Toaster Co.
*Ordinarily, you wouldnt need the receipt, but a man who admits, as you do in the previous post, to being a compulsive goniff, well, we have to make sure we’re not taking stolen property, dont we? It’d be just our luck that you swiped this from your local Sears or Walmart, wouldnt it?
Akaky You are killing me. Earlier I couldn’t respond had to shake those cobwebs from my brain but wanted to acknowledge I read the post. Well Neil if what you say is true (wink) then we still love you anyway and will continue to fantasize that you are good in bed, bad boy, and fun loving ooh and 30..
Hahaha, great post, yet again. And my the myths about me that aren’t true
(bats eyelashes) I plead the 5th
Sigh. Well, I guess as long as you’re being honest, I should be too.
I am actually a really super-famous pop star, and I am a MOM AND STUFF! The photos on my site are just random, usually DRUNK people I pay to take pictures of each other, so I can use them to create my blog. It’s really the only place I can feel that I live a “normal” life, without all the tour dates, paparazzi, and/or pressures of my fame! It is SO HARD to be ME!!
Now, I need to get back to feeding this baby and stuff, y’all. His daddy needs to get home from the damn strip club and bring me some Cheetos while he’s at it.
You think these truths will stop us from coming here? These make you all the more endearing. Sorry!
Kris — What is the matter with you? No wonder you women are always complaining about your love lives? Don’t you hear what I’m saying — I’m boring, bad in bed, and I photoshop my teeth! What can be worse? And something in that weird female mind finds that “endearing?”
Do you think a guy — for one second — would take any interest in a woman like that? No, he’s off to read the blog of the woman who’s showing the cleavage.
Damn Neil! You just lowered your chances of getting blog lucky. You need to post a number 4: You are a compulsive liar and what you said about being bad in bed may or may not be a lie and there’s only one way to find out….
Tim is always good with the suggestions. That one’s actually a good one.
Neil…self-deprecating humor can be so much more appealing. And not everyone in blogland is sitting around in their holey sweatpants drooling and PhotoShop-ing their pics. Most of us are like you–smarter than the average bear with some creative energy that has to go somewhere…
But notice how our shy honest Neilochka managed to slip in a photo of himself again? 😉
AMEN to what Heather said!
I’m not sure I get the theological implications of holy sweatpants; is that some sort of Anabaptist thing?
Neil, Wow, thanks for that insight. I blog to kill time and I have always been fascinated with hearing people’s stories (real or made up), so I am very thankful to have found your blog. I’ll admit, sometimes I don’t really “get” you, but you are ALWAYS entertaining. I like what Heather said: “Smarter than the average bear with some creative energy that has to go somewhere.” I’d like to think that maybe one day I’ll fit in that category, too! Oh, and thanks for the pic, it really helped put a “face” with the “voice.”
Thank you for being so honest – that is what women love. I really like your glasses and windblown hair too. Makes you seem approachable 🙂
Your problem with your toaster isn’t the word “ideal.” It’s that you are eating too-big bagels with your too-dark teeth.
I like you even more now… Honesty and dorkiness are totally hot. Keep it coming Neil.
And… I always wear lingerie to read your blog, of course.
Curses! If only I didn’t have the wonderful TCB to run around with, you’d be my very next choice. Dark teeth, bad in bed, boring…those are all the things I’ve been searching for all these many years!!!
I LOVE YOUR HONESTLY…YOU ARE TOTALLY HOT!!!
“If, for some reason, we are making out in some hotel, and we are about to make love, I strongly advise you to call Sophia on her cellphone beforehand â€” just to learn more about what I can and cannot do.”
hilarious! I love it!
Here I am, hysterically laughing. Uh, in my yoga pants.
Only goys toast their bagels. And this toaster is obviously made only for goyishe bagels–the “Pepperidge Farm” and “Sarah Lee” kind. For shame.
And what kind of depraved outdoor sex orgy were you attending when you took that photo?
The pictures you provided with this post were hilarious. And if you scroll through them really fast it’s like a flipbook… I obviously have too much time on my hands…
For some reason, for many of us, there’s just nothing hotter than a neurotic guy with a sense of humor.
doesn’t seem to be putting any kind of damper on my (or anyone else’s) crush on you.
So, whatcha doin’ on the 19th? 😉
That toaster thing happened to me once too! It’s only toaster OVENS for me, from now on. And shame on you for not keeping up with your profile! I hope you have updated it accordingly listing your many (adorable) idosyncrasies. 🙂
Being a male reader of your blog often leaves me feeling empty and emotionally worthless. Sometimes I wish you would just treat me like a piece of meat for Christ’s sake.
We still love you and your dark teeth
neil you are like a nerd wrapped in wolves clothing…or something. and you know how i love me some nerd.
You are the worst salesman in the world.
so, am i reading this correctly? you may have pictured me naked in your bed? sweet! i think that is the most action i have had in months.
*sigh* i figured if you are outing yourself, i’d join ya. 😉
p.s. do you want me to send you some books on sex? there is a whole world waiting for you out there! 🙂
Have you been picking up “lowering expectation” strategies from West Wing?
I had two thoughts instantly pop into my head after reading this post. 1) Has Neil ever imagined me naked with him? and 2) I think Sofia really just might be my long lost sister. She and I are totally going to an Angels game next season!
I’m one of those gals in torn sweatpants (well, not really but the pocket has a hole in it) but you can picture me any way like. Who needs reality when you’ve got the Internet. 😉
I hope you are imagining me in the white trash photo I posted on my blog last week.
Fantasy: I always read your blog in my hot sexy nursing outfit with cute little hat, long flowing hair down and short white low cut dress, white stockings, garter belt with proper heels.
Reality: I always read your blog, in my unflattering white student scrubs and ergonomically correct shoes, hair in a messy ponytail and geeky black rim glasses (just like Neil).
Do you have a preference on which I should show up wearing while I bring the chicken soup and sympathy?
I am now more attracted to you than I’ve ever been.
They may be myths, but we still like you.
In a non-gay way Neil, you’re a very handsome man, stop photoshopping urself or ur teeth, or admitting to it. I love this post like I love all the others. I love this fuckin’ blog :).
Don’t desert us! We love you, dingy teeth and all!
And the toaster is pretty, too.
Do you have all red appliances??
Confession is good for the soul…