Last week, I bought a toaster. On the box, it sold itself as "ideal" for toasting bagels. But then when I tried to used it, I had to literally stuff my bagel halves into the slots because they wouldn’t fit.
I hate false advertising.
I bring this up because a few nights ago, I was IM-ing with a female blogger about WordPress when she started flirting with me. I found this a little strange because I didn’t do anything to instigate this flirting. But then I realized what was going on — she had read my archives and got the impression of me as a flirtatious playboy, and a kinky one to boot.
It got me thinking — am I involved in false advertising myself?
OK, let me be honest. I haven’t been shy about flirting with my female readers. I have at one time or another visualized most of you, both married and single, as being naked in my bed. But before you call me a sicko — at least give me credit for being one of the few male bloggers who will actually admit this publicly.
Ladies — you have to understand how exciting it is for a man to have dozens of sexy, beautiful, and witty women coming to HIS blog because they are interested in something HE has to say! This never happens to most of us men in REAL LIFE!
In fact, this is as close as it gets to that fantastical heaven that those crazy male Muslim fanatics believe in — where dozens of virginal women surround them wearing nothing but lingerie. Except in my case, I press "Publish" rather than blow things up, my female readers probably wear torn sweatpants rather than lingerie while they read my blog, and considering my readers’ lascivious interests, my female blogging buddies haven’t been virgins for a very LONG time.
Now, so far, most of my flirting hasn’t gone beyond the written word. But who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll be meeting up with a female blogger, we’ll get a little drunk on Chianti, and before you know it — we’re naked in the bedroom.
Not only would that be an amazing sexual experience — imagine the great post I would have for the next day! I already can visualize the 100 comments!
But, like I said, I do not believe in false advertising. I would hate to disappoint anyone in bed. So, let me dispel three myths about me that you might have gotten from reading my blog. Let me help you better know the real Neilochka, not the blog Neilochka. This way, if we ever really do end up in the bed together, you won’t accuse me of sex under "false pretenses."
THREE MYTHS ABOUT ME
UNVEILING THE REAL NEILOCHKA
MYTH 1) Neil is an exciting guy.
The truth is — Neil is boring. Think about it. I love to blog. And what is blogging? Blogging is sitting around your apartment and typing on the computer. Is there anything more boring than that?
Every once in a while, Sophia will drag me out, and while I’m there, I’ll say, "This will make a great blog story." I’ll start writing the blog post on the back of a napkin. This drives Sophia up a wall. She has told me that I have become infinitely MORE BORING since I’ve started to blog. And she thought I was boring before blogging.
Sometimes, while driving in the car, I’ll turn to Sophia:
"I have this great idea for a blog post tonight."
"Will you shut up about your stupid blog. Enough already! I don’t want to hear anymore about your blog!"
"Anyway, here’s my blog idea…"
So, ladies, write this down. Neilochka = boring.
MYTH 2) Neil talks dirty in the bedroom and is kinky.
OK, Sophia, stop laughing.
Now, it is true that I frequently use words like "cock," "pussy," and "fuck" in my posts. But I am the complete opposite of the shy girl who turns into an wild animal in the bedroom, screaming "Fuck me! Fuck me with your big cock!"
The truth is I never curse in real life. Not even when driving in traffic. I never put up my middle finger. I never use any dirty words, including the ones mentioned above. Why do you think my mother can read those posts and find them amusing? She knows how she raised me. She knows that in real life, the word "cock" has never ONCE been part of my vocabulary.
Sophia has a dirty mouth. She can curse like a sailor. For years, she has tried to get me to curse, or at least not to be offended by her cursing, but I just can’t. I am totally pathetic. I am totally vanilla, which happens to be my favorite ice cream flavor.
Many of you would be bored with me in the bedroom. I only know a few "positions." I recently saw a book of Kama Sutra sex positions — and I didn’t know 3/4 of them even existed. Who can do all that stuff, with the woman hanging upside down? I have never had sex in an airplane, a car, an elevator, a library, the kitchen, the garage, my parents’ home, the state of New Mexico, and countless other interesting places.
If, for some reason, we are making out in some hotel, and we are about to make love, I strongly advise you to call Sophia on her cellphone beforehand — just to learn more about what I can and cannot do. Please be advised that just because I am an amazing stud in a post doesn’t guarantee a repeat performance in the REAL WORLD.
Also, remember this important piece of information:
Objects in the Blog may appear bigger than their actual size.
MYTH 3) Neil has a great smile.
So far, the only photo of myself that I have published is this one.
After I published it, someone emailed me and wrote, "What a nice smile you have."
In reality, I am self-conscious about how I look. When I was about to publish the photo, I thought my teeth looked too dark. So, if you zoom in, you can see that I used my expert Photoshop skills to whiten my teeth. Months later, Sophia still makes fun of me about that.
Now I can sleep better, knowing you know the truth.
Lies and lying has been a theme for me this week, whether it is "lying" on my blog or "lying" to a salesman in a mattress store. I notice that many bloggers involved in online dating also write a lot about "lying," particularly about daters who lie on their online profiles. Hilary recently wrote about a date she had where the man wasn’t as tall or had as much hair as his online profile had indicated. I also hear of online daters posting photos of themselves from ten years ago.
I’m no Mr. Morality. I’ve lied as much as anyone. Recently, I went on a job interview at a major movie studio to work in their "internet" division. A friend advised me not to mention my writing because human resources will be afraid that I’ll be running around passing out scripts rather than working (which is probably true). So, I fudged a little on my resume. I didn’t feel very guilty about it.
The difference between my lie and lying on your online profile is that I was pretty sure I would get away with it. That’s not the case with going out on a date. If your online profile says you are 33 years old, 6’2", with a full head of hair, and it attracts someone of the opposite sex, eventually you’re going to have to meet this woman in person — and then they are clearly going to see that you are 53 years old, 5’6" and bald.
So why lie? Do you really think that "just getting into the front door" applies to dating?
When I start online dating, I’m going to take the opposite route. I’m not going to say how wonderful I am. This will just ultimately lead to a woman’s disappointment. Instead, I’m going to try to make myself look as bad as possible, so after the date, the woman will say to herself, "You know what — he wasn’t as bad as I thought."
I understand human psychology.
Think about movies. When a studio goes all out promoting a movie, aren’t you inevitably disappointed with the actual film? I don’t need to see "The Fantastic Four." Whenever a movie has tie-ins with a burger chain, I know the movie will suck. It’s always those unassuming movies like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" that surprise you and win your heart.
In preparation for my online dating career, here’s a glimpse of what my profile will eventually look like:
- I am 6 feet tall, which I know is a big plus for you women. But I frequently slouch, making me look much shorter.
- I am thin, but I noticed that I gained weight when I was living with Sophia. If I ever get married again, assume that I will get fatter.
- I still have my hair, but it is thinning a bit and I’m also getting grayer. My father has a bald spot in back, so I can assume the same thing will happen to me in a few years.
- I attended an Ivy League college, but it wasn’t one of the really prestigious schools like Harvard or Yale.
- I have friends who are successful doctors, lawyers, and movie directors. I am none of the above.
- I’m smart, but I know plenty of people smarter. I can do the Los Angeles Times Sunday crossword puzzle, but I can never finish the New York Tmes Sunday puzzle.
I’ve been married once, and it was a rocky marriage. My wife says everything was my fault, and she is probably right. I would definitely get married again, but really — why would anyone want to marry me?
Sophia knows me best of all. Let’s bring her in for a final personal recommendation.
Neil and financial security: (Sophia laughs for 2 minutes)
Neil in the bedroom: Sophia says, "He falls asleep after sex. Sometimes, I fall asleep during sex."
Here’s my current photo.
Date me! You’ll see that I’m not as bad as you thought!
Now isn’t that better than lying?
Whenever a couple separates, it is inevitable that one of them is going to take a stab a dating again. Sophia went to bat first. She decided to try her luck this weekend on Lavalife, famed for its slogan, “Where Singles Click.”
Now, Sophia is flamboyant, not only in real life, but in her writing. She has a literary bent and wasn’t happy just writing a boring ol’ profile. Instead, at the end of her profile, she wanted to add a tongue in cheek item that I once used for a post a couple of months ago. Actually, I stole it from her.
Over 15,000 men responded to this sexy personal ad in an Atlanta newspaper:
“SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-xxxx and ask for Daisy. I’ll be waiting…”
They found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8 week old black labrador retriever!
Sophia submitted the profile. A little while later, she received an email saying that her profile had been rejected. Why? Because she had written that it was a single BLACK female, and someone from the African-American community might be offended.
Sophia thought this was silly, but took out the word “black” and resubmitted the profile.
A few minutes later, she received another email. Sophia had been rejected again. This time it was because Sophia used the name “Daisy.” Lavalife’s rationale: someone on Lavalife who is named “Daisy” might be insulted by being compared to a dog.
Sophia took out the name “Daisy.” The “single black female” item was getting less and less funny, but Sophia is not the type to give up easily. She resubmitted the profile. Here’s what the humorous item looked like now.
Over 15,000 men responded to this sexy personal ad in an Atlanta newspaper:
SINGLE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-xxxx and ask for me. I’ll be waiting…
They found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8 week old labrador retriever!
It is rejected again.
“Thank you for your email. We have read your profile and see that it was rejected as you mentioned the Atlanta Humane Society in your profile. It seem a bit too specific.”
Sophia emailed a supervisor. The supervisor suggested that Sophia send the profile to her office directly. Sophia deleted any mention of Atlanta and emailed it off. The humorous item now ended like this:
They found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8 week old labrador retriever!
The supervisor sent back an email stating that Sophia cannot mention the Humane Society at all because they are a real organization and they might be offended.
Sophia called me up and we both took a look at the Lavalife site. We saw photos of naked women. We saw photos of men showing their erections. We saw posts about how a guy “will fuck a woman’s brains out.” This was OK, but it wasn’t OK to tell this stupid joke about Daisy, the black labrador retriever.
Sophia wrote to the Lavalife again. Lavalife responded:
“Please make the necessary changes to your profiles as soon as possible as this can cause your account to be suspended or removed from the site.”
Sophia finally gave up with this item, but being the creative type, she decided to go for something else — a benign light-hearted quote at the end of the profile:
John McEnroe once said to a woman he was instructing: “Lady, sometimes you just have to stick your racquet out and good things will happen.”
As Sophia emailed Lavalife for the final time, she spoke to me on the phone.
“If this is what online dating is all about, I might just have to get back together with you.”
Just then, Sophia got an email from Lavalife:
“The profile was rejected as your stated the name John McEnroe.
We appreciate that this may not be a real name, it could however,identify someone whose real name it is. So if you could select another nickname that follows this guideline, we can approve that for you. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
Despite all the complaints I hear about it, online dating is an amazing phenomenon. If you’re looking for someone Jewish, you can click onto Jdate. If that perfect someone is Christian, you can go to Christian Cafe. If your interest is in an African-American brother or sister, there’s Afro Connections. Asians can find each other at Asian Singles Connection. Latinos can become better amigos at Amigos. Indians can flirt about their Kama Sutra techniques at Mehndi.
There’s one group that’s always left out — until now. At Loving Links, married men and women can search online for the ideal partner for an extramarital affair.
Although currently focused on Europeans, this concept will surely catch on in the States as young American couples find love at places like Harmony.com and Match.com, get married in an elaborate wedding ceremony, buy a house in a nice neighborhood, produce a beautiful baby, get bored with each other three years later, and secretly blame the other for ruining their life. Broken and frustrated, they will decide to have an torrid affair the only way they know how — through online dating services like Loving Links.
(photo via Meggiecat)
Here’s a great story about finding love:
Meet Paul Henry, a retired professor from Redding, California and Jen-Chi Anderson, a retired nutritionist from Carmel, California. Both were nearing their eighties. Both survived their spouses. Both wanted to find romance and share their experiences with someone else.
They wanted to look for love, but didn’t know the right places. At their ages, the local dating pools had all but dried up. They were too old to go clubbing but too young to hit the convalescent scene. So they followed the leads of millions of souls, and cast their nets worldwide, on the Web. And soon the sweet tones of a modem heralded the beginning of their octogenarian affair.
They met face-to-face three months later and were living together within a year
"When you get up near 80," Henry said, "you don’t mess around."
According to the Pew Internet and American Life project, 27% of all American seniors are online, and the numbers are growing quickly.
Note to senior men: Coming up with a good profile is not easy. Do not use that 1943 picture of yourself on the USS Washington for your current photo. Women always know.
Check out Paul Henry’s story at his website.
(story via Meggiecat, Paul Henry’s daughter)