When Sophia and I separated, we divvied things up the traditional way — she got most of the cool stuff we bought over the years and I got a new crappy "bachelor pad" in the city. Luckily, we didn’t fight too much over the arrangement — except for one little matter — the constant battle over the ownership of our Dyson vacuum cleaner. We bought it right before we separated. And once I moved out, I refused to buy another vacuum cleaner after we had just spent 400 bucks on one.
When Sophia first wanted to buy this fancy new Dyson machine, I was deadset against it. I was brought up to always search for a bargain, not to spend tons of money on the top-of-the-line model. Sophia always said I was too cheap and constantly repeated this Russian saying ( I think she just made it up herself): "We are not rich enough to afford to buy crap." But now that we bought it, I have to admit — this is the best vacuum cleaner ever. It has tons of attachments, no "bag," and it is actually sort of fun to vacuum your floor with it.
So for the last several months, the vacuum has been shuffled back and forth between our two homes.
A few days ago, I wanted to vacuum my house after I spilled a box of Cheerios on my carpet. I called Sophia, there was no answer, so I drove over to her place and took the vacuum without telling her. Later that night, Sophia got mad at me, saying I should have asked her first or let her know that I was coming over.
"What if I had a date in the house?"
This just got me mad.
"I paid for the vacuum. Let your ‘date’ buy you a new vacuum."
She said I was a bean counter. I countered with something nasty. Before long, it turned into a heated fight.
The next day, I felt bad. She was right. I should have called first. I shouldn’t have started the argument on the phone. I called her up, apologized, and said I would bring over the vacuum. I also said that I would take her out for dinner.
As I approached her home in Redondo Beach, I thought about getting Sophia some flowers. If there was one lesson I learned in my marriage, it’s that flowers are the best way to apologize to a woman. I pulled into the supermarket. They didn’t seem to have much of a selection except for fall "harvest" bouquets consisting mostly of orange-dyed carnations. I know Sophia hates carnations, especially painted ones. I saw a bouquet of sunflowers. Great! Not only does Sophia love sunflowers, but the bouquet was on sale for 75% off. The flowers did look a little tired, but $3.99 — what a deal! I quickly bought the bouquet, and headed for Sophia’s.
I rang Sophia’s doorbell.
"One second," she yelled.
Through the window, I could see that she was exercising in the living room.
I looked down at the flowers, knowing she was going to love them.
"Oops," I said to myself, as I saw that the 75% off sticker was still on the wrapper.
I quickly ripped off the sticker and stuck it on under my shirt as Sophia opened the door.
"Neilochka, flowers!" Sophia said, beaming. "Thank you."
We kissed. On the cheek.
"I’m starving. Let me just take a quick shower and then we’ll go to dinner."
As she headed for the shower, I went to the upstairs computer to check my blog and see if I got any new comments. Nothing, except for another pro-anorexia idiot saying something dumb on my "Too Skinny" post.
From next door, I could hear the water running in the shower. I walked over to the bathroom and looked inside. Sophia was behind the glass door, the water spraying down on her. I could see the outline of her body, especially her sensual breasts as she soaped them up. I watched as she ran her hand over her stomach and legs, then reached between her legs, the soapy water running down her thighs.
Mesmerized, my animal instinct took over. I ripped off my clothes, letting them fall to the floor. I moved quickly to the glass door of the shower, and slid it open. Sophia stood there, totally naked, one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. Her face showed surprise, but at the same time… I thought… anticipation.
Every bit of sensation and feeling in my body quickly moved to my cock. She looked down, her eyes widened and her face turned red. For the first time in years I felt proud – she was looking at me like I was a real man again.
But it wasn’t my growing erection that was making her so excited. The sticker from the flowers somehow moved from my stomach and got stuck on the head of my penis. And as my cock grew, the sticker spread out, making it easier for Sophia to read.
"75% off? $3.99?! Is that all your apology means to you?! You never buy me flowers. Now I get it. $3.99 for a bouquet of flowers! Could you be any cheaper?!"
"But…"
But, alas… it was not to be. My frugality bit me in the ass. Well, actually you know where it bit me…
I left the Dyson vacuum cleaner in the garage and took my cock home, sticker intact.
Foiled again! Dangit!
Still, it’s better that the flowers were 75% OFF, and not your penis! ha!
But you’re right about the Dyson. I have one, too. And now I vaccuum and clean up for fun. It’s AWESOME! I like seeing just how much crap gets sucked up in that machine. It’s worth every cent! 🙂
bloody fabulous.
Neil, I just burst out laughing when I read this segment:
“The sticker from the flowers somehow moved from my stomach and got stuck on the head of my penis. And as my cock grew, the sticker spread out, making it easier for Sophia to read.”
How DO you manage to top each of your posts, Neil?
Thank you, thank you, thank you for that very therapeutic laugh.
cheap thrills indeed, and I was hoping you were gonna score!
I’m stealing Sophia’s Russian saying, “We are not rich enough to afford to buy crap.” DO you know how many damn vacuums I’ve bought the last few years? Three!!! Why? I was too cheap to buy a decent one.
For anyone interested … if it says “Dustbuster,” it’s crap.
By the way … in a different situation, that discount sticker on the penis might not be such a bad idea. I’m thinking bus station washrooms.
Dyson?! Dyson sucks! I take that back, Dyson doesn’t suck that’s the problem. I suck better than a Dyson.
Maybe the expensive one is different.
Neil, Neil, Neil….I love ya man. I totally feel for ya, and seriously bro, I cannot think of any funnier way to fuck something like that up. I cannot believe that you did that. I bet you learned your lesson, always look at your dick before inserting taking it on any journeys, to make sure its good to go.
LOL I was really hoping you were gonna score and we’d get some totally hot erotica! But since it’s almost 2:30 in the morning, maybe erotica isn’t what I need, but a great laugh and some tucking of myself into bed. That was a fabulous entry! 🙂
NOOOOoooooooOOOOOooooooo!
(sigh)
Dammit. I want to write you a better ending. Perhaps you could challenge your readers to come up with alternate endings for that one.
“75% off? $3.99? Is that how cheap you are? You are such a slut. Get your dirty slut self in here and wash off, Neilochka. Then you will come to my bedroom and service me, like the cheap whore that you are. You will pleasure me and THEN you will go put my flowers in a vase, vaccuum my house, then service me again and make me lunch.”
See? That could have worked out well for both of you.
It would help if she were wearing a dominatrix outfit, or at least was lashing a flogger about threateningly while she said it.
*bows*
Nice try Cookie. Frugal good, cheap not 😉
I bet you wished at that point you had gone to the most expensive florist in the entire South Bay!
I believe your penis will be having a very serious conversation with you in the near future…
OK, I just choked on my coffee.
How on EARTH did that sticker end up on your penis from the underside of your shirt, pray tell? Talk about the fates having kicked you in the balls!
Namaste.
~HDJ
All of these posts about your “separation” from Sophia should be gathered together in a book! I don’t even care anymore to what extent everything you write about her is fictionalized, you’ve created an exquisite character that is the perfect counterpoint to your own hapless persona. Of course you know what kind of ending WE all want for the book…
Oh boy. I just had a real laugh and let the whole Muesli fall o nthe floor…
A hi from Paris 🙂
Danny, you don’t think this story was “fictionalized”…DO you?
What a tease you are, Neilochka.
I adore my Dyson.
HA! I like that saying. “We are not rich enough to afford to buy crap.” I’ll have to post that on the fridge.
Love the pic. Is that all you got left?? 😉
Hilarious. It’s hard to get dissed while naked, especially at such a reduced price.
I almost died laughing. $3.99 stuck to your growing penis… hahaha. I’d like to see how it looks like on my hubby’s. I’m so gonna go experiment now…..
Why do you think she made it up, Neil? Projecting, I guess.
Yes, the “we’re not rich enough &c” phrase is very popular in Russia.
But, googling it in Russian to get the origins, I came to interesting phenomenon: while majority of the instances list it as just “a saying”, the rest attibute it to various sources:
-1)Polish adverb
-2)”as they say in the West”(?!)
-3)old British wisecrack
As to translation, one of the threads in my googling discusses possible English equivalents and the consensus was “Everything costs money to make well” and “expensive and tasty, cheap and nasty”.
Neil, after so many fruitful ideas for your blogposts she gives you, I too think bunch of half-dead sunflowers for $3.99 is a bit cheap for Sophia…
I guess it’s not the thought that counts.
I don’t think I have ever been so embarassed for another human being in my entire life. On the other hand, you just penned the season one finale of “The Neilochka Files”.
Oh my god. Just– oh my god. I can’t imagine you topping this one, yet I know you will. You’re a riot.
I’m with Betty, anticipating the upcoming serious penis talk you two will be having.
Does your mother read all your posts? I mean, I know you’re a married man (technically) and all, but I couldn’t help but worry about your mom having to hear about her son’s $3.99 penis. Then again, I guess she got a good bargain, too. Like mother like son.
(If I were a lesbian, Sophia would totally be my soulmate. Now I really can’t wait for our Angels baseball date next year!)
Thanks for visiting my blog, I have really enjoyed reading yours. Great posts.
Oh dear…I got nervous for you as soon as you began removing clothing…maybe next time you should make up your own price sticker – and make the apology EXPENSIVE – in proportion to the growing penis? 😉
Damn. Even the tags are hilarious.
Damn.
That has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Hilarious!
Um….I’m confused. You and the wife seperated???? When did this happen? Where have I been? Hey, cheap flowers are still flowers….I love clearance. The more frugal the better. Except for perfume. Then I EXPECT the good stuff!!! Great post.
neil,
i don’t believe this for one second. . . except for the fact that you bought flowers at 75% off.
i, for one, wouldn’t care if they were 75% off because flowers are still a really nice gesture.
🙂 sizz
So after THAT, the sticker stayed on??
that was fuckin hilarious!! i can’t stop, what a great story! just exactly what i needed right now. hey, thanks for stopping by. 🙂
Truth quotient: 10%.
What a sticky situation.
Sophia, it’s more like 16%.
LOL This is funny!! Though I was hoping there would be more ‘action.’ *wink*
There’s always a next time, right?
Screw truth. The story’s the thing. And this one kicks bum. This is genuinely funny. (Really, stick this stuff in a book and the rest of your life is made – movies, DVDs, t-shirts, mugs, shoes, pants, condoms, cook book, video game … I’d ask to be your agent if I knew anything about being an agent. I already see appearances on Oprah and The View.)
Yes, but you should’ve seen what I did to my ex when he brought me carnations. On sale. OK, I just sulked. The real badness was when he went home for his grandma’s 100000th birthday party. He came back to school, and called me up. “Meet me at …”
The first snow of the winter was falling, and I saw Brian walking torwards me with a huge bunch of flowers in his hand. Kisses, followed by examination of flowers. “Thank you, they’re beautiful” I told him, as good behavior is too be reinforced, never mind that they were a little tiny bit wilted.
“You like them? They were a centerpiece at Grandma’s party. Mom told me I should wrap them up and bring them to you…”
(This is the woman who latered asked Brian if his Jewess girlfriend had any dietary restrictions over Thanksgiving.)
oh neil…. hahaha… too awful. i’m so sorry. although i do want a dyson now. 🙂
hahahaha… that is just about the funniest thing i’ve ever read neil. what an imagination you’ve got. lol.
Didn’t it take more time and effort (and gas) to drive over to Sophia’s and pick up the vacuum cleaner, than to just pick up the Cheerios by hand? It’s not like you spilled sand or something… 🙂
That sucks.
(Vacuum humor? No?)
Damn.
holy fucking crap, neil.
i just spat water out ALL OVER my monitor. that is by far the most hilarious thing i’ve read since…um…the horospokes this morning.
haha…i’m speechless! (other than the laughter.)
I’m still dying..hahahaa
That sux! I fell sort of guilty for laughing. I’m actually pretty cheap myself. And If it were me in the shower…I probly would have said, its the thought that counts…. 😉
[…]And when Neil blogs about strutting around with a price tag stuck to his penis. . . me-ow.[…]
I’ll buy the 16% truth quotient. Just don’t let the smoking gun get a hold of this; they’re ruining truth embellishers nationwide. 😉
Oh. My. GOd. I am dying. You just made me snort diet coke out of my nose. I’m going to pretend I didn’t just read the comments about the story only being 16% true.