Month: September 2005 (Page 3 of 3)

What Does This Symbol Mean?

September 10, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 23 Comments

I just came back from hearing Pink Martini at the Hollywood Bowl and I was feeling like quite a trendsetter. After all, I bought their first CD before anyone even knew who they were. And now they’re playing with the Los Angeles Philarmonic.

Then I turned on my computer and started looking at a couple of blogs. Suddenly I wasn’t feeling quite like a trendsetter anymore. Why?

Because of this photo:

I’m always seeing photos on other blogs with people making this gesture. I’ve never made that gesture. Ever. Am I missing out on something? And on what occasion would I make this gesture?

I’ve done the middle finger. I’ve done the Roger Ebert’s thumb up. I’ve done the peace sign. I’ve done the shoot ’em fake gun. I’ve done pinky-squared. But no one has ever seen me make this odd gesture. And frankly, for the trendsetter that I am, I have no idea what this gesture is all about.

Does it mean "Look at me! I’m a wild devil. That’s why I’m wasted"?

Is it "Let’s go Texas Longhorns!"?

Is it "I’m too drunk to make the correct peace symbol"?

Or is it "I’m bullish on the stock market!"?

I really have no idea what it means, except that people look pretty stupid when they’re making it.

Neilochka vs. Nicole

September 8, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 45 Comments

I have nothing against Nicole Richie. Really. I actually thought she was pretty cute in those reality shows with Paris Hilton. And Nicole was pretty funny. And a hundred times more interesting than that dopey Paris Hilton. I’ll even admit that I had a couple of Lionel Richie albums. I liked him. And I loved him when he was with the Commodores.

So, please stop emailing me, saying how I hate Nicole Richie.

The problem started with this post:

And then this post:

I didn’t mean to pick on Nicole Richie. She was just the skinny actress du jour. She is more a metaphor for skinny actresses everywhere.

If you look to the right on the page, you’ll see that I use a WordPress plugin called "Most Popular Posts." The plugin uses some complicated formula based on hits and comments to come up with this list of most popular posts. I don’t make any of the choices. As you can see, "Too Skinny" is my most popular post. It is also my worst post. It isn’t particularly funny or interesting or touching. But tons of people come to read it. At first, readers came to make jokes about these skinny women. Then, some people sounded sad about what women do to their bodies. But then the tone changed, after I was linked by some pro-ana sites.

I had no idea what pro-ana was until I looked it up:

Pro-ana websites were first developed to counter the many support websites which encourage recovery from anorexia. Many anorexics believed that the desire to achieve an unnaturally slim figure was not a mental illness, but an alternative lifestyle. Doctors who treat anorexia see pro-ana as a life-threatening danger to current and potential anorexics.

These were young women who were advocating excessive skinnyness — calling anorexia a lifestyle — sort of like being gay or a Teamster is a lifestyle. The whole concept of ana seemed pretty silly to me, until I started getting angry emails. Most played the victim card:

"You would never call someone fat in public. Why do you feel it is OK to call someone "skinny?"

Yes, that guy on "Lost" is fat. So, there.

Here’s an "ana" forum that discusses one of my dumb silly posts about Nicole Richie, Teri Hatcher, and Mischa Barton. Here’s one of the comments:

Has anyone noticed that most of the people complaining that the three were too skinny were chicks? I thought that was kinda amusing. i think its stupid how chubby people complain about how girls should be more womanly and all that jazz but secretly they themselves want to be just as pin thin as the supermodels, but won’t admit it.

I hate having that "Too Skinny" post as my most popular one. I’ve tried to cheat the system by hitting some of my other posts dozens of times, hoping to push them up the list. But every time I do that, ten more people come to read about "skinny woman."

And each day, I get an email telling me how good Nicole Richie looks since she lost the weight.

On a related note, he is an amazingly touching post about a lifetime of weight isssues written by Kristy.

And to start the weekend right, here’s another gag at Nicole Richie’s expense, via Justin.

Citizen of the Month World Tour

September 7, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 58 Comments

Let’s be honest with ourselves. None of us are getting rich off of blogging. In fact we’re probably losing money by not doing something more productive with our time. Yeah, we all deep-down believe that blabbing about the man/woman we shtupped last night is going to get us a book deal. But the chances are pretty slim, even if we’re shtupping them a lot.

There is only one way sure way to make money blogging — getting SPONSORS. Hey, if Tiger Woods is OK walking around with a Nike cap on 24/7, why wouldn’t I?

I know what you’re thinking. "Who the hell would want to sponsor me?" But I know the answer.

Companies involved in the travel industry.

As Chris writes in Brainfuel:

Have you noticed an increase in the number of people who decide to travel the world and at the same time write it off? Take a look at The Traveling Guys web site for a brief moment. Ok? Did you see the sponsors section? No? Well, they have more than a hundred individual sponsors and a good dozen companies sponsoring their trip.

They are not alone. Chris also mentions 10mph, the story of three guys riding across America on a Segway. And then there’s Fat Man Walking, some nut who’s walking from San Diego to New York.

All of these guys are travelling for FREE, simply by blogging about their stupid experiences. As a cheap person, this is very attractive to me.

I thought long and hard to come up with my own gimmick. I love to travel and I don’t like to pay for myself. So far, so good.

What else do I love to do? I love to blog! And I love all my blogging friends!

That’s it! The answer.

Today, September 7, 2005, I officially announce the availability of sponsorship for the "Citizen of the Month" World Tour.

What is the World Tour? It means that I will take a year off and travel the world, visiting each person on my blogroll. All travelling expenses will be paid for by my sponsors. However, to save money, each person on my blogroll must put me up in their home, feed me, and take me on a 3-hour tour of their city.

Estee, you will have to put me up for two weeks because I really want to see Australia. Josia, we will have plenty of time to talk about Kabbalah when I stay with you for the entire Hebrew month of Adar. Modigli, you know I love you, but do I really want spend more than two days in Cleveland? Maybe you can come with me to Australia. Estee has plenty of room. JJ, I’ve always wanted to see Texas. I even own a cowboy hat that I wore once at a country dance club. Brooke, I will be visiting you in Florida for… well, let’s see how it goes…

I will be spending at least two months in New York, since there are so many bloggers there. Please argue among yourselves over who has the best apartment for me to stay in. I would prefer Manhattan over Brooklyn. Please, no Queens. If I have to live in Queens, I might as well stay with my parents.

London, Paris, Hong Kong — here I come!

Don’t worry, Californians. I won’t forget you. I will be giving up my apartment next month so I can live with each of you for two weeks. I should warn you, I do snore.

In case any of my women readers are concerned, I am a perfect gentleman. But if you do catch me trying to take a peek at you while you’re taking a shower — be advised that it is all for art — my next blog post and nothing else.

Sponsors, do you hear me? I mean you — American Airlines, Samsonite Luggage, Hertz Rent-a-Car, AOL, Australian Board of Tourism, Diet Coke, Bloglines, Gawker Media, NBC/Universal, The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, Hanes Underwear (the best!), the Rockefeller Foundation, Microsoft, the Jewish Federation, iPod, Taco Bell, and readers like YOU.

See you all soon!

Neilochka the Cool

September 6, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 36 Comments

The Cool Hunter, a popular trendspotting site on the net, is looking for writers.

Do you have a cool radar? Can you sniff out a trend well before it hits? Are you plugged into the arts, technology, fashion, music, design, travel, literary or film scene in your city? Can you write short and snappy copy? If you answered yes to all of the above then email and tell us more about yourself. We’re on the hunt for additions to our global network of cool hunters to file for thecoolhunter.net – one of the most popular trend spotting sites in the world.

Our extensive global coverage ensures that the Cool Hunter never misses a beat when it comes to emerging and future trendspotting. The essence of the Cool Hunter is the ethos of ‘global information channelling’ that is not regionally specific, but rather based on worldwide relevance. In a society obsessed with the shiny and new, The Cool Hunter has become the reference point of choice for the latest in what’s hot tomorrow.

Cool radar? Yes. Sniff out a trend? I have a great sense of smell. Plugged in? You know it, baby.

I’m totally bored with this "Citizen of the Month" blog. Time to move on and finds some readers who aren’t as wimpy as I am — I was waiting all day yesterday for someone to say I should have punched that Beverly Hills woman in the nose. Trendspotting, here I come!

This sounds like the ideal gig for me — knowing what’s cool and hot (I guess I shouldn’t tell anyone that I didn’t own a cell phone until three months ago… but once I got one, I got the coolest one… at least when I bought it. Now they don’t even make the model anymore. But I’m not going to mention that at the interview).

Here’s my writing sample for "The Cool Hunter" gig:

Hey, hipsters and cool cats, it’s me — Neilochka the Cool — with the latest buzz on everything shiny and new, hot and happening. If it’s a trend that’s on fire, you know that Neilochka the Cool will be there first, reporting back to you from his futuristic bachelor pad somewhere in the City of Angels, or as me and my buds like to call it– Cool Central.

FOUR OF THE LATEST TRENDS FOR YOU

1) Piggy-Back Riding

Forget the Vespa. Toss away the Segway. Hybrid who? The hottest form of transportation is an old favorite with a sizzling new twist — it is giving your pretty woman a piggy-back ride across town. From Soho to Venice, CA — to all hipstervilles across the country — dudes are putting their ladies on their back and taking them to work, to school, even the mall. Think of all the gas mileage that’s saved as you take the little lady to the beauty salon on your back. Not only is it sexy and trendy, it’s pro-environment.

2) Bare-Chested Argentine Soccer Goalie Look

Argentina’s economy may be in shambles, but nothing sets the world stage on fire more than their sexy soccer players. Dressing the part is easy. Just buy the official sweatpants, dress the woman on your back the same way, hang a chain on your neck, and strip every inch of hair off your body. Sizzling? You bet! Or as they say in Argentina, "GOALLLLL!"

3) Black Couples with Similar Afros

It’s back to Harlem for Cotton and Shaft as retro hair lights the sky ebony! Chocolate men, show them honkies who’s boss by carrying your Nubian Princess on only one shoulder. A white tee and a goatee make the Afro-man a sight to see!

4) Dry Humping

Safe Sex is so Generation X. The latest group of hipsters takes the birds and the bees to a higher evolutionary place — dry humping! Ladies, tease your men with a little bit of side cleavage, but not too much — because this hanky-panky is done with your pants on. Some old-school sexperts might find this lacking in spark, that’s why we suggest first putting your fingers in electrical sockets that make your hair stand up. Talk about the Big O!

Hire me!

hip as always,

Neil Kramer a.k.a Neilochka the Cool

When I Grow Up to be a Man

September 5, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 66 Comments

A few months before we got married, Sophia and I went to a dinner at at Chinese restaurant with a large group of people. As we left the restaurant, the two of us had an odd conversation about one of the guests who took the last shrimp from the large banquet serving plate.

Sophia: "If you wanted the last shrimp, why didn’t you take it?"

Me: "There are three types of people. Those who take the last shrimp on the plate, those who take the shrimp after asking, and those who never take it, even when offered."

Sophia: "And you’re the last one?"

Me: "Exactly."

Sophia: "If you wanted the shrimp, you should have just taken it."

Me: "I know it sounds stupid. I would feel too guilty. It would be like everyone is looking at me and thinking I’m selfish."

Sophia: "That’s ridiculous."

Me: "I know. I’m just like… my parents."

It’s something that always upset me about my parents, mostly because I’m the same way. Always eager to help out, but too wimpy to take the last shrimp.

I’ve grown a lot more assertive in the past few years, mostly because I’ve seen how Sophia goes after what she wants, and rather than people hating her, they actually respect her. Maybe that’s because she mostly uses her natural power to help others first.

Today, I still hesitate taking that last shrimp, but at least I might actually take it — once I ask everyone four or five times if they didn’t want it first.

Recently, I’ve been working on the Flash design and content of a online "Stress Management" course. (You can see a sample here, under ABOUT — but remember, I’m still working on it). One of the chapters is about "Assertiveness and Stress" and how a lack of assertiveness can add to a person’s anxiety. One of the most common problems with non-assertive people is their inability to say "No" to people.

For an interesting perspective on this, read Megan’s post about how she’s finally learning to say "No" to her co-workers’ constant asking for help.

I thought of the importance of assertiveness while watching the aftermath of the Katrina disaster. I asked myself, how would I act if I were there? Would I be heroic and help others? Would I take off on my own? Or would I go to the convention center and sit there for days, helplessly waiting for help to come? I think we all saw what being helpless gets you.

One of the hard lessons of life is that you can’t always wait for someone to help you. I know I’ve missed opportunities in my own life by assuming that things were going to come to me — like women and jobs. Sometimes I wonder how I even had enough nerve to propose to Sophia (unless I’m remembering it wrong, Sophia, and you proposed to me?)

Lizriz wrote a post complaining about the lack of "balls" in men today. They seem to have trouble asking women out and even paying for the bill on a date.

I’ve mentioned before that Sophia and I had some problems because our basic natures went against the traditional gender roles. She is the more assertive one, and vice versa. We loved each other because of this, but we also fought about it constantly. When it comes down to it, women still want a man who is "manly" and a man wants a woman who acts "womanly" — whatever that means.

Last week, Sophia and I went to an outdoor concert of Latin music. During intermission, we bought some coffee. There was a ledge along the wall where we put our styrofoam coffee cups down so we could add cream and sugar. At the same time, a young girl was walking along the ledge, coming towards us. Her mother, a well-dressed woman of about thirty-five, a Beverly Hills type, was holding her daughter’s hand, guiding her along.

Daughter: "Coming through! Coming through!"

I lifted up my cup so the girl could pass. Sophia was in the middle of pouring creamer into her cup.

Sophia: "One second."

Beverly Hills: "She needs to come through. There’s no stopping her."

Daughter: "Coming through! Coming through!"

Sophia: "You’ll need to wait a second, I’m almost done."

Beverly Hills: "You don’t have to be rude to my daughter."

Sophia: "I’m not being rude. You’re being rude. You can tell your daughter to wait a second."

Meanwhile, I was tensing up. I hate conflict. It’s the reason I don’t take that last shrimp. It’s the reason when Tatyana and ACG were arguing about looting in one of my posts earlier this week, I threw in a sex joke just to defuse it.

Beverly Hills: (to daughter) "Let’s go. "We don’t have to stay here and hear this."

They left.

Five minutes later, Sophia and I were at our seats, drinking the coffee and waiting for the show to begin. All of a sudden, I see the Beverly Hills Lady walking towards us. I can feel my blood pressure rising. I figured she was coming to say something to Sophia, but instead she stops in front of me.

Beverly Hills: "You know… you really can do A LOT better."

My body went into overdrive. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. I came up with a lame joke, making believe I misunderstood her.

Me: "You mean these seats? I think they’re pretty good."

The woman took off. Sophia turned to me.

Sophia: "She just insulted me… in front of everyone. Why didn’t you say something?"

Me: "I did. I said, "You mean these seats?" I showed her how ridiculous she sounded."

Sophia: "No, you didn’t. You just wimped out."

Me: "She’s the one who looks like an asshole if she had to come here and say that."

Sophia: "She mocked me. Why don’t you say something to her?"

Me: "Like what?"

Sophia: "For one thing. You can say the same thing about how you feel about rude spoiled children that you did on your own blog."

Me: "Look, it’s too late. I don’t even know where she is anymore."

Sophia: "She’s over there. About ten rows up, in the center."

Me: "Aw, Sophia, it’s a big nothing. I’m not going to make a big scene. Forget it."

Sophia: "Wimp."

Me: "I’m a lover, not a fighter."

Sophia glared at me. If we were still together, it was a look that would mean there wouldn’t be ANY loving for this lover for a long time. Since we were already separated, it just meant that she wouldn’t speak to me for two days.

OK, bloggers, I’m ready for the attacks on my manhood, especially after I told you how Sophia always comes to my rescue. At least I now know what flowers to send all of you as apologies for you disappointment in me — from the information you gave me during the last post. I can buy all the flowers at the same place I did for Sophia.

Questions on my Mind

September 1, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 71 Comments

As someone who loved going to school, September was my favorite month. I would buy new clothes, a new notebook, new pens. It was a new beginning. Maybe because the Jewish New Year was also usually early in September, it always felt more like "the new year" than January 1. It was a time to take stock of yourself and to think about the future.

Lately, my mind has been flooded with random questions. At times, I feel bogged down with all these thoughts. Then I realized — what am I worrying about — I am a blogger! I now know other bloggers. Let me put my concerns on their shoulders and have them worry for me!

You’re a motley crew — some married, some single, some young, some old, some straight, some gay, some liberal, some conservative, some Americans, some foreigners, some just plain crazy. If I just throw out some odd things on my mind, maybe someone will have an answer to one or more of the questions, and help me ease my mind. Feel free to do the same on your blog, because I’d love to help you answer your own burning questions about life.

1. Sometimes I forget my grammar while blogging, like where to put the apostrophe. Does anyone recommend that popular book on puncutation, Eats, Shoots, and Leaves?

2. I haven’t smoked pot since I was fifteen years old. If I wanted to try it with Sophia, where do adults buy pot?

3. Has anyone actually found a new job by using Monster.com or Hot Jobs?

4. When you work as a freelance editor or designer, how much money do you ask up front?

5. Do you read other blogs one by one, or do you use an aggregator like Bloglines?

6. Now that I’m a bachelor again, is there a good website for simple, easy recipes for meals for one person?

7. Can I consider Heinz ketchup a vegetable?

8. Would it be smart to buy a hybrid car now or wait until the technology is perfected?

9. Are there any vitamins that you consider essential to take every day for your health?

10. What is your favorite hotel to stay in at Las Vegas?

11. What is the best time to visit Paris?

12. Which is a good ski resort to go to for someone who has never skied before?

13. What is the best oatmeal?

14. If I want to buy a gift for my friend’s 8 month old baby, would I buy the clothes to fit now or the next size up so he’ll grow into it?

15. If I were swimming at Santa Monica Beach and I saw a shark, what would be the first thing I would do?

16. Are those new N-routers for wireless internet really any faster?

17. Are those ‘natural light’ lamps that they sell at ‘The Sharper Image’ a waste of money?

18. Does anyone actually have an ergonomically correct computer set-up?

19. What type of flowers do women like to get on a date?

20. Do you feel guilty if you do an illegal download of a song?

21. How do people dust in those hard to reach places?

22. How do you motivate yourself to go to the gym three times a week?

23. With so many books out there, how do you choose what book to read next?

24. Should I contact my former agent and think about writing for TV again, or should I try something new?

25. If Sophia and I divorce and start dating other people, will they be uncomfortable if we are still good friends?

26. If I lie outside on my terrace naked, would I actually put sunscreen on my penis?

27. If I took a potential job offer in New York, would I miss my car and a bigger apartment for 1/2 the price?

28. After a job interview, do you send a thank you note in the mail or an email?

29. Is Direct TV really cheaper than cable?

30. Will I ever be able to buy a home in California or should I move somewhere else?

31. Is a mojito as good as they say?

32. I’ve never had a one-night stand. When I am older, will I regret never having this experience?

Dr. Philâ€™s Son Engaged to Playboy Triplet

September 1, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 40 Comments

The son of TV psychologist Dr. Phil has proposed to former Playboy playmate Erica Dahm, one of the triplet Dahm sisters. McGraw is a best-selling author of self-help books himself.

Dahm exclaimed, "Oh gosh, is this real?" after the Aug. 26 proposal, Hayes said.

The couple will wed in Los Angeles but the date was not revealed.

Jay McGraw designed the 5-carat diamond, emerald and platinum engagement ring.

Jay McGraw is best known for writing the best-selling Life Strategies for Teens, which was positioned as an youthful offshoot of Dr. Phillip McGraw’s popular "Life Strategies."

The book’s back cover explains Jay Mcgraw’s aim in speaking directly to today’s teens:

Are you as tired as I am of books constantly telling you about doing your best to understand your parents, doing your homework, making curfew, getting a haircut, dropping that hemline, and blah, blah, blah?

Well, you don’t have to be anymore. Life Strategies for Teens is the first guide to teenage life that won’t tell you what to do, or what to be, but rather how to live life best. Employing the techniques from Dr. Phillip C. McGraw’s Life Strategies, his son Jay provides teens with the Ten Laws of Life, which make the journey to adulthood an easier and more fulfilling trip.

I think it is great when a self-help author helps today’s youth. Dr. Phil should be proud.

I especially respect Jay McGraw for practicing what he preaches, using his own "techniques" in his own life to inspire others.

In fact, here are the top four "Laws of Life," as outlined in this well-received best-seller (not really):

Rule # 1) Kids, if you want an excellent life, this is very important because everything flows from this, so listen carefully. Make sure your father gets to go on Oprah, because that will make him famous and give him the opportunity to have his own TV show.

Rule #2) Once your father has his own TV show, have him put his name and face on some unhealthy candy bars to sell to "fat people" even if your father is a bit on the hefty side himself. Make even more money.

Rule #3) Use your father’s connections to write you own book on the same subject — but for teens — (even though you don’t really have the qualifications) and take a job hosting some dumb reality show like "Renovate My Family." Don’t let it bother you that everyone just calls you Mr. Your Father’s Name’s son.

Rule #4) At a certain point, you’re going to want to share your love with someone special. Look for a soulmate that will complete you, someone that brings respect and dignity to your relationship — someone like one of the Playboy magazine "triplets." This way, when you fantasize about your wife’s hot sisters, it’s not really "cheating."