A few months before we got married, Sophia and I went to a dinner at at Chinese restaurant with a large group of people. As we left the restaurant, the two of us had an odd conversation about one of the guests who took the last shrimp from the large banquet serving plate.
Sophia: "If you wanted the last shrimp, why didn’t you take it?"
Me: "There are three types of people. Those who take the last shrimp on the plate, those who take the shrimp after asking, and those who never take it, even when offered."
Sophia: "And you’re the last one?"
Sophia: "If you wanted the shrimp, you should have just taken it."
Me: "I know it sounds stupid. I would feel too guilty. It would be like everyone is looking at me and thinking I’m selfish."
Sophia: "That’s ridiculous."
Me: "I know. I’m just like… my parents."
It’s something that always upset me about my parents, mostly because I’m the same way. Always eager to help out, but too wimpy to take the last shrimp.
I’ve grown a lot more assertive in the past few years, mostly because I’ve seen how Sophia goes after what she wants, and rather than people hating her, they actually respect her. Maybe that’s because she mostly uses her natural power to help others first.
Today, I still hesitate taking that last shrimp, but at least I might actually take it — once I ask everyone four or five times if they didn’t want it first.
Recently, I’ve been working on the Flash design and content of a online "Stress Management" course. (You can see a sample here, under ABOUT — but remember, I’m still working on it). One of the chapters is about "Assertiveness and Stress" and how a lack of assertiveness can add to a person’s anxiety. One of the most common problems with non-assertive people is their inability to say "No" to people.
For an interesting perspective on this, read Megan’s post about how she’s finally learning to say "No" to her co-workers’ constant asking for help.
I thought of the importance of assertiveness while watching the aftermath of the Katrina disaster. I asked myself, how would I act if I were there? Would I be heroic and help others? Would I take off on my own? Or would I go to the convention center and sit there for days, helplessly waiting for help to come? I think we all saw what being helpless gets you.
One of the hard lessons of life is that you can’t always wait for someone to help you. I know I’ve missed opportunities in my own life by assuming that things were going to come to me — like women and jobs. Sometimes I wonder how I even had enough nerve to propose to Sophia (unless I’m remembering it wrong, Sophia, and you proposed to me?)
Lizriz wrote a post complaining about the lack of "balls" in men today. They seem to have trouble asking women out and even paying for the bill on a date.
I’ve mentioned before that Sophia and I had some problems because our basic natures went against the traditional gender roles. She is the more assertive one, and vice versa. We loved each other because of this, but we also fought about it constantly. When it comes down to it, women still want a man who is "manly" and a man wants a woman who acts "womanly" — whatever that means.
Last week, Sophia and I went to an outdoor concert of Latin music. During intermission, we bought some coffee. There was a ledge along the wall where we put our styrofoam coffee cups down so we could add cream and sugar. At the same time, a young girl was walking along the ledge, coming towards us. Her mother, a well-dressed woman of about thirty-five, a Beverly Hills type, was holding her daughter’s hand, guiding her along.
Daughter: "Coming through! Coming through!"
I lifted up my cup so the girl could pass. Sophia was in the middle of pouring creamer into her cup.
Sophia: "One second."
Beverly Hills: "She needs to come through. There’s no stopping her."
Daughter: "Coming through! Coming through!"
Sophia: "You’ll need to wait a second, I’m almost done."
Beverly Hills: "You don’t have to be rude to my daughter."
Sophia: "I’m not being rude. You’re being rude. You can tell your daughter to wait a second."
Meanwhile, I was tensing up. I hate conflict. It’s the reason I don’t take that last shrimp. It’s the reason when Tatyana and ACG were arguing about looting in one of my posts earlier this week, I threw in a sex joke just to defuse it.
Beverly Hills: (to daughter) "Let’s go. "We don’t have to stay here and hear this."
Five minutes later, Sophia and I were at our seats, drinking the coffee and waiting for the show to begin. All of a sudden, I see the Beverly Hills Lady walking towards us. I can feel my blood pressure rising. I figured she was coming to say something to Sophia, but instead she stops in front of me.
Beverly Hills: "You know… you really can do A LOT better."
My body went into overdrive. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. I came up with a lame joke, making believe I misunderstood her.
Me: "You mean these seats? I think they’re pretty good."
The woman took off. Sophia turned to me.
Sophia: "She just insulted me… in front of everyone. Why didn’t you say something?"
Me: "I did. I said, "You mean these seats?" I showed her how ridiculous she sounded."
Sophia: "No, you didn’t. You just wimped out."
Me: "She’s the one who looks like an asshole if she had to come here and say that."
Sophia: "She mocked me. Why don’t you say something to her?"
Me: "Like what?"
Sophia: "For one thing. You can say the same thing about how you feel about rude spoiled children that you did on your own blog."
Me: "Look, it’s too late. I don’t even know where she is anymore."
Sophia: "She’s over there. About ten rows up, in the center."
Me: "Aw, Sophia, it’s a big nothing. I’m not going to make a big scene. Forget it."
Me: "I’m a lover, not a fighter."
Sophia glared at me. If we were still together, it was a look that would mean there wouldn’t be ANY loving for this lover for a long time. Since we were already separated, it just meant that she wouldn’t speak to me for two days.
OK, bloggers, I’m ready for the attacks on my manhood, especially after I told you how Sophia always comes to my rescue. At least I now know what flowers to send all of you as apologies for you disappointment in me — from the information you gave me during the last post. I can buy all the flowers at the same place I did for Sophia.