Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: Men and Women (page 2 of 2)

Wanted: A Hot Scorpio Woman

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I’m a man of science, so astrology, like tarot card reading and mind-reading, is just pure nonsense to me.  Is there anyone out there who believes in astrology?  Don’t be shy.  I’m open-minded.  Maybe you can explain how it all works — why your birth date and the way the solar system is on that particular day, has any bearing on your personality.

Usually, I write my Tuesday post on Monday night.  Tuesday is the biggest day of the week for me in blogland.  For some reason, I get the most traffic on Tuesday, so I always try to prepare the most entertaining and heart-wrenching post for all of my dear readers.

Just as I was about to start writing, I got a phone call from Sophia.  She was coming over and going to stay the night.  Now, this is an extremely unlikely situation.  Whenever we have some event planned, I always go over to her house.  So, this was a big treat.  I rushed around my apartment, washing my dishes, changing the sheets, and washing some towels. 

Of course this posed a dilemma:  Do I write my important Tuesday post for a bunch of dumb strangers or pay attention to Sophia, a real live gorgeous woman?  (by the way, I decided to like boobs again)

So much of our relationship works, and so much doesn’t.   Sometimes I think it is our "love signs" that are working against us.  In fact, once we were in Borders and we looked inside some huge book titled exactly that —  "Love Signs."  We looked up the compatibility of Pisces (me) and Aquarius (Sophia).  The author wrote something like this:

"No self-respecting astrologer would wish this romantic arrangement, even on their worst enemy.  Your emotional rhythms and temperaments are rather different. Pisces is gentle, non-competitive, somewhat passive and has a need to get away from it all on a regular basis. Aquarius, on the other hand, needs involvement in the world and the flow of contemporary life.  This is NOT a match made in heaven."

We didn’t fare much better in Chinese astrology.  One book suggested that Sophia should be in a cool room and should sleep facing north, while I need a warm room and must sleep facing south. 

The scary thing is that many of these details about our relationship rang true.

I’ve been looking at some astrological websites today, trying to learn more about this subject.  It is not good news for Sophia and me.  Romantic-tips.com had this to say:

PISCES & AQUARIUS: – This is not the best union. The Water-bearer is far too cool and detached for you. Your tears and tantrums will soon tire the Aquarius.

AQUARIUS & PISCES: – This is a pretty dicey combination. The Fish’s emotional blackmail only drives you further away. The Pisces is likely to end up hurt and confused.

Uh-oh.

Maybe it’s time to just accept the logic of the stars.  Maybe it’s time to focus on finding a woman who is better suited for me. 

Yes.  What I am really looking for is a SCORPIO.

PISCES & SCORPIO: – This is a highly sexual union. You love to be possessed and cared for with the deep, warm affection that the Scorpion can provide. Truly a match made in heaven.

Are any of you Scorpios out there?  Because if you are, we need to talk, immediately.

Here’s how I would get along with the rest of you.

PISCES & ARIES: – You are far too sensitive for the aggressive Ram. You will be left behind to drown in your sorrows. An unfortunate match.

PISCES & TAURUS: – This is not a bad connection, however the Bull can get upset with your impractical nature. You, on the other hand, may find that the Bull is too stubborn.

PISCES & GEMINI: – Your emotional blackmail will usually hold a Gemini, however sorrow almost always prevails. A very destructive union for both parties involved.

PISCES & CANCER: – You belong together. You are both sensitive, weepy and love to dwell in self-pity. This is a great match, certainly lasting, however someone negative and moody.

PISCES & LEO: – You are doomed in this alliance. The Lion is too outgoing and you are far too sensitive. A hurtful relationship with little substance.

PISCES & VIRGO: – This is your polar attraction. It can be extremely perverse in the bedroom, but difficult at a mental level. You are impractical and this will really try the Virgoans patience.

PISCES & LIBRA: – You are both creatively inclined, however you are just not sophisticated enough for the Scales. Librans also have trouble putting up with your emotional whims.

PISCES & SCORPIO: – This is a highly sexual union. You love to be possessed and cared for with the deep, warm affection that the Scorpion can provide. Truly a match made in heaven.

PISCES & SAGITTARIUS: – This is not your best alliance as the Archer’s non-committal nature will hurt your tender heart. Your daily melodramas will drive the Sagittarius away.

PISCES & CAPRICORN: – This is not a bad combo in general however, you will probably run around on the Goat due to loneliness. You are also too wasteful for the Capricorn to deal with.

PISCES & AQUARIUS: – This is not the best union. The Water-bearer is far too cool and detached for you. Your tears and tantrums will soon tire the Aquarius.

PISCES & PISCES: – This is an emotional connection. Extremely good in the bedroom, but difficult out of the bedroom. You both crave attention and affection yet you want to do your own thing. Exhausting but exciting.

Here is the full list of all zodiac signs and their compatibility.  It is very important that you see where you stand with your spouse or lover.    This is a very classy and legitimate website, as you can tell from the tons of advertisements blinking in your face.  After you read about the state of your zodiac love connection, some of you may want to leave your spouse NOW before it is too late.

Not to be unfair, I looked up Sophia, and according to the stars, she should be looking for an Aries for a relationship (hopefully a rich one) and a Sagittarius for sex.

A New Hobby

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A few weeks ago, Jenny wrote this on her blog;

So what do you do with yourself when you stop looking for love? I realized recently that I have spent so much time as a single person looking for love, that I’ll need to take a up a new hobby when I finally do find it.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, I laughed for ten minutes after reading that.  Don’t you realize the trouble hasn’t begun UNTIL you meet someone to love?   Your relationship will be your "hobby."

Most of us learn about love from books and movies.

In a movie, the story usually ends when the couple kisses at the altar.

In the real world, we each walk around with our own personal movie projecting in our head.  In each movie, we are our own star.  Most of the hard work in any relationship revolves around this problem.  How do you make sure that you are both in the same movie?  Are you equal co-stars?  Do you both have the same size trailer?

Like most bloggers and writers, I enjoy sitting down by myself and making things up.  I am usually my own main character.  In the movie in my mind, I am the hero — a little bit of James Stewart, Bruce Willis, Bill Murray, and Viggo Mortensen.   I make jokes, I flirt with women, I hang out with the guys, I save the day from the bad guys.

I thought I reached my final goal when I married Sophia.  Like Jenny, I figured there was nothing more to worry about.  I was the luckiest guy in the world.  I met Sophia —  someone so beautiful and fun.  Someone who actually agreed to marry a klutz like me!

But it took a while for me to realize that Sophia had her own movie in her head.  And she was the heroine in her movie — a little bit of Lucille Ball, Sophia Loren, Lauren Bacall, and Angelina Jolie. 

There is always trouble brewing when a couple is not in the same movie. 

At the top, is a photo from our wedding.  Can you tell who is the star of this movie?   The photographer surely did.  Every other photo has Sophia front and center, and all you see of me is my back and yarmulke.    Sophia and I always joked that if she ever remarried, she could just keep the same pictures and say this is her new husband.  And I won’t even mention the fact that I was propped up in front of a piano I can’t play at all.   Can you see some of the issues that we ended up having to deal with?

Here’s another photo from our wedding.  A beautiful, sexy woman.  A generic guy with a nice yarmulke.

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So, Jenny, don’t worry about needing a new hobby after you fall in love.  Trust me — you’ll be busy enough.

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