the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

California, Here I Come!


(This is an amazing video! Can you believe that the first time ABBA sang on television it was to belt out “California Here I Come!” on some lame Swedish TV show!)

Finally, men, our chance is here!   Like the women in Aristophenes’ Lysistrata, it is time to band together as a gender and make changes to society.   Today, the California Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples DO have a constitutional right to marry.  We now have the unique opportunity to put an end to the tyranny of women, with their living room “design” ideas, their need to watch “The Bachelor,” their pricey shoes and most importantly, their selfish refusal to give oral sex to us while we drive down the Santa Monica Freeway.

The answer is clear.  We must marry each other.  Man to Man.  Legally.  May I suggest that you board a flight to Los Angeles or San Francisco immediately?  We will be waiting for you. 

Don’t worry about those pesky rumors of high housing prices in California.  There are TONS of foreclosures on the market.  Because of the Iraq War, the economy is sinking fast.  And since men usually make more money than women, it is economically SMART for two men to marry each other.  Why settle for a mate who only makes 77 percent of what a man earns?   Think about it.  Until now, men have been a bunch of suckers, working our asses off at shitty jobs, holding up the fort for a bunch of female slackers who fool us by smelling nice, like modern day Mata Haris.

Think how simple life can be — man and man.  No more fighting over doing the dishes.  We just won’t do the dishes!  We’ll eat at Taco Bell every night.   All this eating out will also have a positive influence on the economy! 

The only hurdle, and it is a slight one — is that most men find each other rather repulsive when the clothes come off.   As someone who married into a Russian family, I offer a unique solution for this issue — vodka, especially the really cheap brand that tastes like unleaded gasoline.  Of course, since we will also be in two-male-income family units, most of us will also have enough expendable income to bring in the hookers.

Thank you, California!

Note:  It has come to my attention that this ruling mostly applies to same-sex GAY couples, and was not intended as an easy way for straight men to avoid dealing with the craziness of neurotic straight women.  My apologies.

11 Comments

  1. HeyJoe

    Damn. And I was just about sold on the idea.

  2. Five Husbands

    Oh Neil, you sweet innocent, you have so so much to learn. The mysteries of oral sex – like oral sex lasts so so so so so so much longer than, well, the other sex. Perhaps in the new California this age old question will be answered…

  3. Jane

    Well, news flash for ya, Neil. Men are no better at giving oral sex on the Santa Monica Hwy. I remember this from my early bisexual days. In fact, most just refuse with lame excuses about insurance costs and possible deadly accidents.

    As for the money, let me tell ya… a pair of Jimmy Choo’s is a hell of a lot cheaper than a 456 piece tool set or power boat or jet ski. Men like their toys. They are just not the RIGHT toys.

    Finally, no brand of vodka — or even scented candles — can make up for a house that reeks of dirty dishes and an unclean bathroom.

    Besides, not only do women smell nice, we also FEEL nice. A man’s pecs, no matter how well-developed, can never compete with the soft, delicious cradle of our bosoms.

  4. Neil

    Jane — that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You know what buttons to push. Mentioning “bosom” and “soft,” expecting us to act like Pavlovian dogs. But if men just stick together and avoid listening to the songs of the Sirens… we can avoid the Temptation.

    By the way, have you notice that in one day, I’ve used phrases such as Pavlovian, Temptation, Sirens, Lysistrata, and Mata Hari? Did I go to college OR WHAT!

  5. Jane

    You’re swimming upstream in mud, Neilochka. Women do not expect that men will act like salivating Pavlovian dogs, it is simply a fact of your testerone-laden nature. Become one with your nature, Neil. Know that you will never escape the supple valleys, sweet temptations, and beautiful depths of women. Ever.

    Your obviously higher learning should help not only your vocabulary, which is superb by the way, but your acceptance of natural facts.

  6. Memarie Lane

    As someone who used to room with a gay man I’m sorry to inform you that you’d get all the same stuff with a man as with a woman. In fact, Stephen in a shoe store was scary indeed.

  7. TC

    My husband laughed hysterically at this post, and nodded his head emphatically at the Santa Monica Freeway reference. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go kill him now.

  8. AnnieH

    Dude. Who gets the remote control??

  9. Pumpkin

    Maybe it is the “kind” of woman you are are attracted to that is the problem.

    I don’t really fit into your idea of what a woman is. I am not into material things at all and it is my husband that doesn’t want to drive while I do that to him because of a possible accident!!!!!

    So, I suggest you search for a sexy and intelligent but down to earth kind of girl that likes to have fun. A woman that is not so complicated. 🙂

  10. Jody

    Is it me or does it look like the song is dubbed? The words and the lips just don’t match up.

  11. HRH @ June Cleaver Nirvana

    I’d like a wife.

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