Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: News and Politics (Page 12 of 13)

Oh no, am I a Racist Blogger?

November 24, 2005 / / 51 Comments

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Over the last few months, I’ve made quite a few mentions that I was "liberal" while Sophia was "conservative." 

Recently, a reader emailed me:

"You don’t seem very liberal.  You make fun of liberals, but I never hear you make fun of conservatives."

I thought about that, and my reader-friend is right.  For some reason, I find the craziness of the left more amusing that the insanity of the right.   Maybe that’s why there are so many entertaining conservative talk shows, while leftist talk shows are a snooze.  For all their good intentions, many liberals, myself included, are neurotic nuts, particularly in matters of race and ethnicity. 

I might be wrong, but I always thought Dr. King’s vision was of an America where everyone treated each other equally.  In an odd way, I think Sophia is the perfect role model for this vision. 

Recently, we were driving on the San Diego Freeway, when a car cut us off so abruptly – we almost collided. 

Sophia flashed her lights at the car and screamed out, "Asshole!." 

"Don’t say that," I said.

"Why not?  He is a f***ing asshole."

Exactly… why not? 

Sophia looked at me, knowingly.  She knew.  She knew my wimpy, liberal, guilty, condescending face very well. 

You see, the driver was an African-American.

Maybe I didn’t think about it consciously, but inside, my mind was blabbing on with all sorts of liberal mind games:

"He’s a black guy.  Maybe he came from a broken family.  Maybe he’s had it tough growing up in Compton.  Maybe he got beat up by the LAPD.   Maybe as a teenager in the hood, he was ostracized by his friends when they found a George Michael CD in his car."

Of course, it didn’t occur to me to look at the reality of the situation.   We were driving a Hyundai.  He was driving a Lexus.   It’s quite possible that this guy grew up in Beverly Hills.  He did cut us off.  He was an asshole. 

Would I have worried so much if this guy was white?  Would I happily have called this guy the "asshole" he really was?   I thought back to everything I read about the meaning of liberal in the 1960s and 70s.  Wasn’t the original point supposed to be that we fuck each other (in a pleasurable way) and become one huge happy human family?   Today, it seems as though liberals are the ones always bringing up race and keeping everyone apart.  Why not take a page from the conservative book and think of everyone as an individual first?

I bring this up, because in the last two weeks, I’ve picked up a whole bunch of new readers.   Many of them came from new friends who are black and Asian.  At first, I didn’t even think about this.  I mean, in the blogging world, who really thinks about what anyone else looks like?  That’s what makes online friendships so cool.  All that cultural stuff disappears.  In fact, my real name could be Maria Gonzalez and you would never know the truth.

However, because I’ve been meeting so many new people,  I’ve decided to revamp my blogroll and organize it in a new way.  Look at it in the right sidebar — it’s a mess.   

But then last night, I had some trouble sleeping as I began thinking like a guilty liberal.

"I wonder if all my new readers are wondering why I haven’t put them on my blogroll.  Are they talking to each other?  Are they saying, "He certainly has quite a few "white folks" on his blogroll.  Why all of a sudden is there no room for African-Americans and Asians on the list?  Does his "citizenship" of the month really extend to all groups?  Or is he… a racist blogger?!  In fact, the only times he ever mentions blacks or Asians is when he talks about corrupt Nigerian bishops and his obsession with Chinese food."

In the crowd I interact with, there is nothing worse than being called a racist.  It is the worst insult possible, even lower that dissing a person’s mother.  I could not face the barista in my local Starbucks where I sometimes write my posts if he thought I was a racist blogger.

So, to all my new African-American and Asian friends, let me make it clear:

I love you. 

Be patient as I fix my blogroll.  I am not a racist blogger.   In fact, I look forward to flirting with women of all races on this blog. 

I’m going to try to learn from Sophia and not be afraid to treat you any better or worse just because of your race or ethncity.  In fact, that means I might actually call one of you an "asshole" very soon. 

But, understand, I will be saying that with LOVE.

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Modern Politics

November 5, 2005 / / 21 Comments

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While I was over at Sophia’s place today, she played me all the political messages that were on her answering machine relating to Election Day.  California always has hundreds of confusing initiatives on the ballot, and frankly I’m not sure how most people even understand what they are all about. 

Sophia is a registered Republican and got several messages from her party, including one "directly" from Governor Schwarzenegger himself.  I received messages from the Democratic Party since I’m still registered here in Redondo Beach.

All of the messages contained no clear reason to vote one way or another other than party identification.

As we sat down to catch up on a week’s worth of "All My Children" episodes, Sophia had a sudden urge for watermelon.  We took a walk to the supermarket.  As we left the supermarket with our overpriced watermelon, we were stopped by a scraggly-looking guy who asked us if we wanted to sign a petition against redistricting.  You show me a petition – I think it must be for a good cause.  I agreed to sign it.

Sophia wasn’t as easy a customer.  She asked the Scraggly Petition Guy all sorts of questions.  Even after the guy gave some semi-reasonable answers, Sophia didn’t buy it.  She said she didn’t believe in the petition, so she couldn’t honestly sign it. 

"No problem," said the guy.

He pulled out another petition and handed it to her.

"Then maybe you’ll sign this.  It’s for the opposite side."

Sophia and I glanced at each other.

"What’s going on?" I asked the petition guy.  "You’re petitioning for opposite points of views at the same time?  I’ve never seen this before."

"I’m not petitioning for anything," he answered.  "I get paid a buck a signature by both sides.   He-he-he.  Sweet deal.  You’re sure you don’t wanna sign?"

Jane Loves Target

October 29, 2005 / / 75 Comments

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Meet Jane.  She loves Target so much she bought a car of the same color.

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Jane finds Target very sexy, unlike the boring Walmart.  Target has fancy designer brands.

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Jane likes to try on sexy clothes at Target.

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Jane loves these Mossimo Gold Pricilla Crocodile ‘fuck me’ pumps she found at Target.

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Jane remembers a funny Nerve.com article which said you can "buy all sorts of unintentional sex toys at Target like novelty handcuffs, furry slap bracelets, and phallic garden hoses equipped with "turret pistols." "

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Jane doesn’t have a boyfriend and decides to buy the Ultra Percussion Massager with Heat at Target.

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Richard works at Target.  He is divorced.  He once dated Jane in high school.

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Richard sees that Jane doesn’t have a boyfriend.

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Richard gives Jane exactly what she needs in the employee dressing room.  Three times. 

Richard is concerned that they didn’t use a condom.

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Jane says don’t worry.  She has a prescription for emergency contraception from her physician.

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This is Mr. Willis, the Target pharmacist.   Mr. Willis says that Target does not fill those types of prescriptions, even if they are perfectly legal.  Target is a family store and not about sex.

(props to Miss Tanya)

More info at Blogging Baby, Crazy Virgo, Bite My Cookie, and City Mama

My Class Action Suit

October 13, 2005 / / 21 Comments

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Att:  Class Action Suit Proposed Against Several Prominent Universities by "Citizen of the Month"

This is Nobel Prize time, an exciting time for writers, intellectuals, and peacemakers.  But there is a dark underbelly to all these prizes.   Just as every Hollywood producer wanted to suck up to Scarlett Johansen after "Lost in Translation," universities want to claim every Nobel laureate as their own. 

As reported in the Los Angeles Times by Karen Kaplan:

The University of Chicago lays claim to an astonishing 78 Nobel laureates — the most of any institution in the United States and second in the world only to England’s University of Cambridge.

Renowned physicists Hans Bethe and Werner Heisenberg and economics guru Paul A. Samuelson are all counted among Chicago’s Nobel brethren.

Wait a minute.

Didn’t Bethe spend virtually his entire career at Cornell University? Isn’t Samuelson considered the heart and soul of MIT economics? Did Heisenberg even spend more than a few months in Chicago?

"I think the University of Chicago counts everyone who ever walked through there," said Herbert Kroemer, a UC Santa Barbara professor who shared the Nobel Prize for physics in 2000.

Counting Nobel Prizes is the ultimate academic sport. It is a no-holds-barred exercise in selective memory and fuzzy math.

Universities that normally pride themselves on academic virtues and scholastic precision can find themselves grasping for any plausible thread of affiliation with those anointed by Stockholm.

When I was a fresh-faced high school student at Jamaica High School staying up all night studying for my SAT, I met with several local college recruiters.  One of them was an alumnus of Columbia University.  As I met with him in his wood-grained law office, he told me why I should attend Columbia College:  the core curriculum of "Great Books," the cultural advantages of Manhattan, the hot freshman women, and most importantly, the 73 Nobel Laureates connected with the university. 

My "age of innocence" was short-lived.  While I was at Columbia, I never had one class with any Nobel Laureates.  Granted I skipped half my classes or wasted my time taking Latin just because Deborah Goldblatt from down the hall was taking it and I thought it would impress her enough to go to bed with me.  But maybe if I had the Nobel laureate professors I was promised, I would have focused more on my studies rather than my "amor" and "cupido" for Deborah Goldblatt. 

For years, I’ve kept my no-Nobel Prize education a secret from everyone I’ve met.  Now, the truth must come out, especially after I have learned that my alma mater considered a Nobel Laureate their own even if he just happened to use their toilet one night.

Luckily, I did take a "Introduction to Law" class at Columbia.  So, I know all about "false-advertising" and "class-action suits."

According to the article: 

Many universities are quick to claim Nobel laureates as their own, even if the laureates’ association with the institution was fleeting.

As of Oct. 9. Different universities often claim the same laureates.  

Here are the universities claiming the largest number of Nobel Prizes:

1. Cambridge University, England: 81

2. University of Chicago: 78

3. Columbia University: 73

4. MIT: 60

5. Oxford University, England: 47

6. Harvard University: 42

7. Caltech: 32

8. Johns Hopkins University: 31

9. Cornell University: 30

10. Princeton: 29

Alumni of these institutions — join me in this legal suit.  Most of us spent from 60-80 thousand dollars for an education based on lies, false promises and blatant misinformation.  We need to demand our MONEY BACK.

Of course, as the prime instigator and lead counsel of this lawsuit, I will retain 80% of all money awarded, as is typical in these class-action suits. 

I may not have had any Nobel laureates for teachers, but I ain’t stupid.

Politics After Tragedy

August 30, 2005 / / 59 Comments

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In today’s Huffington Post, writer/editor Katrina Vanden Heuvel writes about Hurricane Katrina:

Like all Americans I have been horrified watching the destruction wrought on New Orleans by this natural disaster. And I suppose like others who share the name Katrina, it has been eerie hearing and reading my name all over the news. But when Fox News started calling the hurricane, Killer Katrina, I started praying some rightwing idiot wouldn’t stoop so low as to personalize or politicize all of this human suffering.

I found this statement a little odd.  First of all, I doubt that this well-known liberal editor of the Nation was home watching Fox News.  Even if she were, why is she assuming that someone would personalize this human suffering?  Because the hurricane is called Katrina?  And her name is Katrina?  Right off the back, I know that this is someone with a big ego. 

Of course, someone with a bigger ego, Rush Limbaugh, actually did stupidly call the storm Hurricane Katrina Vanden Heuvel and warned his listeners that the left would use this tragedy against the right.

Katrina Van Heuvel rightly takes Limbaugh to task, saying that this is no time for conservatives to use this tragedy as a political tool.

Of course, in the same Huffington Post, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. writes an article practically blaming the Republicans for energy policies that caused the hurricane.

As Hurricane Katrina dismantles Mississippi’s Gulf Coast, it’s worth recalling the central role that Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour played in derailing the Kyoto Protocol and kiboshing President Bush’s iron-clad campaign promise to regulate CO2….This month, a study published in the journal Nature by a renowned MIT climatologist linked the increasing prevalence of destructive hurricanes to human-induced global warming.

Now we are all learning what it’s like to reap the whirlwind of fossil fuel dependence which Barbour and his cronies have encouraged. Our destructive addiction has given us a catastrophic war in the Middle East and–now–Katrina is giving our nation a glimpse of the climate chaos we are bequeathing our children.

Can we at least wait until the LOOTING STOPS before we get into politics over this?

I Married a Republican!

August 25, 2005 / / 32 Comments

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Sometimes, I wish I were more political.   I love the passion of some of my readers like JJ and Tatyana, who if they met in real life, might have a fist-fight over George Bush — is he good or evil?

I was brought up in a liberal, union-oriented family.  My grandparents had a photo of Eleanor Roosevelt on the wall with the rest of the family photos.  During the summer, I went to Camp Kinder-Ring, a liberal Jewish summer camp in the Catskills.  It was not a religious place.  In fact, it was an anti-religious Jewish-Yiddish socialist-oriented camp.  On Shabbat, we gathered around the flagpole wearing all white and singing Yiddish socialist songs.  Of course the meaning was totally lost on most of the campers, who were mostly from Long Island and cared more about sex and soccer than socialism.  On the other side of the lake was a rival camp that broke away from this camp sixty years ago because while we were “socialist,” they were “communist.”

I went to Columbia College in New York.  There was one Republican in our freshman dorm.  All he ever did was complain that he didn’t get into Yale like his father.  We used to make fun of him relentlessly.

I didn’t really associate with many Republicans in Los Angeles when I first moved here.  Then I met Sophia.   

We may have fought over many things, but I don’t think we ever fought over politics. 

Actually, that’s not true.  There was once.  One election day a few years back, we promised not to vote at all, since we were going to cancel each other out anyway.  Later, we bumped into each other at the polling station.

Of course, I never considered Sophia a “real” Republican.  No real Republicans go skinny-dipping in Spain.  And I’m sure she never thought of me as a “real” Democrat.  Although I voted for Kerry, I wasn’t upset that Bush actually won. 

Here’s something we always talk about — which party is nastier, Democrats or Republicans?  Both of them create outlandish political ads – from Willie Horton to that recent ad accusing John Roberts of strangling women who wanted to have abortions. 

Sophia frequently gets phone calls from the Republican Party, trying to scare her into thinking that “liberals” are taking over the country.  Excuse me, Karl Rove, but where exactly is this happening?  Do Jesse Jackson and Michael Moore really control everything from their “love-pad” on the Upper West Side?

I also get calls from the Democrats.  They always are trying to scare me into thinking my “civil liberties” are disappearing.   Recently, some woman called about some teacher initiative that Schwarzenegger is trying to get passed:

“If this passes, God help us all!  California will become like Mussolini’s Italy.”

These scare tactics drive me crazy.  We Democrats are supposed to be the "smart ones."  So why am I always spoken to like I’m an idiot?  I’m sure there are many valid reasons for this intiative to be rejected, but I certainly didn’t hear any from this caller.   How about teachers will lose jobs?   It will hurt the economy?   But I really doubt the governer is about to bring over some of his goose-stepping family from Austria.   When I was on the phone with this woman, all I could think was that she should get a job writing movie ads for the studios:

“This is the one film you MUST see this year or you will DIE!”

Charlie once linked to a Slate article where writer Richard Rushfield did a little social experiment during the 2004 campaign. 

He visited Republican strongholds such as Bakersfield and Newport Beach sporting a Kerry-Edwards ’04 t-shirt and button, as well as Democrat bastions such as Silverlake and Brentwood in Los Angeles.

The result:  The Republicans were much more tolerant of the Democrats than the other way around.

Of course, it was a heated time during that election, but it got ugly at times.  Remember the whole red state/blue state thing?  Or that website that suggested that half the country break away from the ugly Bush states?  Whatever happened to rational dialogue?  I find conservative talk show hosts like Sean Hannity to be pretty depressing and unpleasant, but I expect more from liberals. 

I’d like to think that liberals haven’t become as nasty as some have said, but recently, one of my friends asked me:

“Did you know that you have a lot of conservatives on your blogroll?” (saying it in a tone usually reserved for child molesters).

I said that I didn’t really notice.  My only real criteria for putting someone on the blogroll is either the person:

  1. Has a sense of humor.

    OR

  2. Is a woman.

So far, no one has made any comments about all the “liberals” on my blogroll.  Is it because we expect liberals to be smart, sexy, and fun blogging pals?   Why can’t a Republican be smart and sexy?  After all,  I did marry one. 

Republicans are not so bad when you get to know them (except the crazy anti-abortion ones).   Through Sophia, I learned to better understand and appreciate “Republican” culture.  They have some valid ideas on economics and international affairs. 

Now, excuse me… I want to go and replay this Pat Boone album I have playing on my iTunes —

Can Anybody Find Me Somebody to Hate?

August 23, 2005 / / 68 Comments

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I’ve always wanted to hate another ethnic or racial group.  Hatred gives a person a lot of inner power and focus.  My biggest problem in my quest for hating others is that I’m not that political.  My main interests tend to be music, food, and fantasizing about women.

I’ve tried hating black people.  After all, so much of urban crime is caused by blacks.  But then I remember that scene in “Do the Right Thing” where John Turturro admits to Spike Lee that all his favorite singers and athletes were African-American.  Where would American music be without black musicians?  We’d still be stuck listening to wimpy Jewish guys named Neil (Sedaka and Diamond).  I’m not a big fan of soul food, so that’s not a big plus for me.   But I’ve always found black women very sexy.   So, blacks are out for me.

I should hate Mexicans.  Look how illegal aliens are taking over California.  But I love Mexican food and I have a fondness for Mariachi music.  And this Mexican-born woman on the third floor of my apartment building is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

Do I need to bother bringing up Asians?   First of all, they have the food thing down pat.   Is there any cuisines better than the Chinese and Japanese?  I can’t stay angry at the Japanese for World War II when I think about sushi and green tea ice cream.  I don’t know much about their Asian music, but let’s just say Jewish men have a certain fondness for Asian women.

Jewish women are extremely sexy.  And Jewish food is great.  Why do so many people hate us?

I really want to hate Arabs.  Some of them really deserve to be hated.  But Middle Eastern food is delicious.  Even Israelis have to admit that much of their own food is modified Arabic food.  I predict that peace will come to the Middle East because of the food.  Arabic music is a little whiny for my taste.  But I would like to know more about Arab women.  So many of them are still stuck behind their burkas.  It makes me think that Arab women must be the hottest of them all, or else why would their men want to hide them from the rest of us?

Ethiopians:   food — yuch.  Music — so-so.  Women — gorgeous.

Indians:  food — yummy.  Music — annoying.  Women — amazing.

Italians:  food, opera, and great-looking women.  A trifecta.

the British:  bad food, the Beatles, the fabulous Kate Winslet

the French:  good food, bad disco-type music, chic women!

I was losing hope in my search for someone to hate.  But last week, there was a glimmer of hope.   I went with Sophia to dinner at the house of a co-worker, a Latvian interpreter.  This Latvian woman was the ugliest woman I’d ever seen.  The authentic Latvian dishes were absolutely awful.  Getting excited by the prospect of finding someone to hate, I asked the hostess if she had any Latvian music to play.   She put on a CD of a popular Latvian singer who sounded like a Slavic falsetto version of American Idol reject William Hung.  I was getting positively ecstatic – finally, I found a people to hate — LATVIANS!

I rushed home to Google to learn as much as possible about these petty little, pug-nosed Latvians.  I wanted to hate everything about them.  Then I found myself going to this link showing Olympic jumper Ineta Radevica posing in Playboy.  Damn it!

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What’s the Matter with Kids Today?

August 13, 2005 / / 72 Comments

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I was in Starbucks with a female friend.  We were both reading the LA Times.  I saw this article that for some reason amused me.  I showed it to my friend.

A show promoter labeled a "Grinch" by prosecutors for selling tickets to thousands of children for a nonexistent Christmas pageant was sentenced Wednesday to more than seven years in prison.

The judge told David Lee Ellisor that his actions were "reprehensible."

Ellisor, 52, was convicted in February of eight counts of mail fraud for a December 2003 scam in which he sold $10 tickets to more than 2,700 Miami-Dade County schoolchildren and parents for a "Christmas Around the World" show. He claimed that it would be attended by ambassadors from 28 countries and feature live reindeer.

Hundreds of children were left crying outside the Coconut Grove Convention Center when they learned that there would be no show.

Trial evidence indicated that Ellisor emptied the show’s bank account to buy a luxury car the day the show was to begin.

My friend tossed the paper aside.

"That’s terrible."

"Terrible?"  I asked.  "They shouldn’t even convict this guy.  I think they should give him a medal for educating our youth about what real life is going to be like."

She did not find this amusing.  Oh, one detail I forgot.  She was there with her baby.  This woman used to be very funny.  Now she is always very serious.  She wakes up every morning and puts on a CD of Mozart, so the baby will grow up cultured.

I don’t know if it was this experience, or hearing about all you teachers out there getting a new year of school underway, but I’ve been thinking about kids today.   And I’m not sure you’re going to like what I say.

As someone who doesn’t have any children, I think it gives me a unique opportunity to tell the truth:  they are incredibly cute, but also pretty obnoxious — particularly from ages 3-12.  I mean, kids are great, but when did children become the center of our existence?   Do we really need to play Mozart to our babies from birth?  Do parents really need to devote all their energy for the next 18 years — just to make sure the child gets into Harvard?

In the past, it used to be that kids were seen but not heard.  I was an only child.  As a stereotypical only child, I was independent and spoiled — but I always knew my place in the hierarchy of the household.  My parents ruled.  Now, kids rule the household.  They tell their parents what to buy.  There are even special marketing companies pushing kids to get their parents to buy them products like Fruit Loops and video games. 

I think our culture took a nosedive during the "We are the World" era.  All those stupid songs like "The children are our future."   Whose future?  Theirs… not mine.  Let’s clean up the environment so I don’t have to breathe the fumes, not for some nebulous future of the "children." Do I always have to bend over backwards for "the children?"  The "children" have ruined TV.  Most TV sucks because — god forbid — some child might see something like Janet Jackson’s boob.    Maybe I want to see Janet Jackson’s boob.  Now, I’m never going to get a chance again because it might ruin the innocence of some bratty American child. 

We somehow visualize children as pure and innocent.  This doesn’t make any sense.  We were all once children ourselves. Did we block out everything from our past?  Don’t we remember ourselves as children?   Pure and innocent?  C’mon!

We were snot-dripping assholes! 

Why are our children going to be any different?

I was about a good a kid as could be.  I never cried or yelled in public.  Why do kids scream so much in movie theaters and malls?  Where are the parents?

A few months ago, writer Ayelet Waldman, wife of Pulitzer Prize winning writer Michael Chabon, wrote a controversial article in The New York Times where she said, "I love my husband more than I love my children." 

I do love [my daughter]. But I’m not in love with her. Nor with her two brothers or sister. Yes, I have four children. Four children with whom I spend a good part of every day: bathing them, combing their hair, sitting with them while they do their homework, holding them while they weep their tragic tears. But I’m not in love with any of them. I am in love with my husband.

It is his face that inspires in me paroxysms of infatuated devotion. If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children.

What’s wrong with that?  Of course she loves her four children.  She just doesn’t make them the center of her universe.  Because of what she said, she got tons of hate mail.  When she appeared on Oprah, many in the audience attacked her, accusing her of being a lousy mother and person.

Why shouldn’t the wife or husband come before the children?  Isn’t that the person you married?

This "children first" attitude is not entirely new.  When the boat is sinking, it’s always "women and children" first.  But I understand that’s more of a male chivalry thing.  Today, we go too far in idolizing the young.  What really annoys me is when a hundred people die in a fire — including one child — and all the news media wants to talk about is this one child who died, as if his young age makes him more special to the world.  How do we know that if this kid survived the fire, he wasn’t going to grow up to be a dunce?  How do we know that the middle-aged guy who also died wasn’t about to discover the cure for cancer?

Do all you mothers and teachers hate me yet? 

Scared Straight

July 31, 2005 / / 21 Comments

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When I attended public school back in Flushing, there would be a special assembly once a year called "Scared Straight," where former convicts would come to ‘scare’ us from becoming juvenile delinquents by telling us about life in "the slammer."  I hated these assemblies, not because I was as far from a juvenile delinquent as could be, but because these talks always inspired the school thugs into action — and "Scared Straight day" was the day when you were most likely to be mugged for your lunch money.  One time, after school, I even saw the "Scared Straight" ex-convict who just lectured us —  beating up Mr. Molnia, our history teacher, and stealing his new Toyota Corona.  That was the last year our school had this program.  

Recently a new type of "Scared Straight" has begun, one dealing with a 21st century problem — childhood obesity.   The leader of this new program is none other than former U.S. president Bill Clinton.  For the next five years, he will tour our nation’s schools along with the American Heart Association, promoting healthy eating habits and encouraging kids to exercise. 

Some cynical people might think this is all a gimmick to help Hillary in her upcoming campaign.  I think Bill Clinton has a genuine interest in working with our young.  Clinton was obese as a child and understands the hardships of fat children. 

He’s going to start by talking to the kids, visiting schools around the country and telling his story. He was overweight as a child–by age 15, he weighed 210 lbs.–a problem he attributes partly to genetics and partly to a diet rich in barbecue, fried chicken, ice cream and pie.

But what exactly is he going to tell these kids that is going to help them change their habits?

His first school assembly, at the Harry S. Truman School in Kansas City, was less than successful, and shows that President Clinton still needs to refine his lecture:

I was a fat kid.   Then I went to Yale and was a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford.  Then I became the governor of Arkansas.   After that I was elected as President of the United States.   That was the best.  I had some girl half my age give me a couple of blowjobs.  And a  Jewish girl!  Children, do you know how hard it is to get a Jewish woman to do that?  I must have tried at least six times with Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg before she threw that gavel at my head.  

Do you all know what branch of government the Supreme Court belongs to?  The Judicial.  Ha Ha, the Jew-dicial. 

Man, that Ginsburg is hot!  I wonder if she wears anything under that robe?   Brazilian or not?  What do you think, kids?

Maybe if I wasn’t a fat kid, things might have been different with her.  

So, don’t get fat, kids.  Take it from me, former two-time President of the United States William Jefferson Clinton.

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