Category: Los Angeles (Page 13 of 16)

I Love L.A. (We Love It!)

March 11, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 56 Comments

In any relationship, there must be change. When you first meet someone, there is always a lot of newness and sexual energy. But things grow stale without variety. That’s why I’ve changed my mind about memes in my second year of blogging — and decided to do one.

Thanks Shane Nickerson at Nickerblog, for tagging me with this special Los Angeles meme.

Four Things About Los Angeles

Four Jobs I’ve Had In My Life in LA:
Reader/Story Analyst
Sitcom Writer
Disney Animated Cartoon Writer
Web Producer

Four Movies About LA I Could Watch Over And Over:
Singing in the Rain
Sunset Boulevard
L.A. Confidential
10

Four LA-Themed Shows I Love(d) To Watch:
24
The Brady Bunch
Three’s Company
Curb Your Enthusiasm

Four Places I’ve Lived All Over L.A. (With Food Memories From Each):
Mid-Los Angeles: Fairfax and Melrose (with two female roommates — just like Three’s Company!): Corned Beef sandwich at Canter’s Deli
Santa Monica: 9th and Santa Monica (ooked out over Toyota dealer): Benita’s Frites on Santa Monica Promenade
West Hollywood: Fountain and Poinsettia: Noodles at Toi on Sunset
Redondo Beach: Yellowtail from Ichiriki Sushi

Four Places I Would Vacation At In LA:
Ritz Carlton, Pasadena
Chateau Marmont, West Hollywood
Big Bear
Hotel Oceana, Santa Monica

Four LA-Based Websites I Visit Daily
Delicious Life
Jew Eat Yet?
Words for my Enjoyment
Living the Romantic Comedy

Four Of My Favorite Foods Found In LA:
Pink’s Hot Dogs, La Brea Avenue
Dim Sum at Empress Pavilion, Downtown LA
Lemon Tart at Sweet Lady Jane, Melrose Avenue
Chicken Cilantro Soup, Martha’s 22nd Street Grill, Hermosa Beach

Four Places In LA I Would Rather Be Right Now:
Farmer’s Market, 3rd and Fairfax
Driving PCH in Malibu when there is no Traffic
Hermosa Beach Pier
Huntington Library, San Marino

Wanna Do It?
Cruisin’ Mom
Inland Empress
Dad Talk
Diary of Jamie
and Sophia!

I don’t usually write that much about Los Angeles. Maybe I’m afraid that my snobby East Coast readers wouldn’t show any interest in anything about the city other than celebrity encounters. However, unlike Pauly, I rarely run into celebrities in the supermarket or pharmacy (although I did almost crash into Julie Andrews’ car in the Beverly Center). To get a real sense of Los Angeles media life (other than the typical Hollywood stuff) I would suggest LA Observed, which is essential LA reading (and frequently more interesting than the Los Angeles Times).

A few weeks ago, I read that Parisian blogger, Nathan, was coming to Los Angeles for a visit. I always get nervous when I hear someone is visiting LA for the first time. It’s a difficult city to like, especially when you’re coming from one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I emailed Nathan, going into LA Chamber of Commerce mode, pleading with him to give the city a chance before he even got on the plane, knowing ahead of time exactly what bad things he was going to encounter — the traffic, the narcissistic people, the ugly buildings, etc. I reminded him that the city is spread out, and many of its charms can be hidden.

Despite the beauty of the Pacific Ocean and the mountains that surround the city, LA is an ugly city, filled with mini-malls and lack of history. I miss New York a lot. But LA does have a weird energy that keeps me here. Maybe the city’s lack of maturity parallels my own. Or maybe I just like wearing flip-flops to IHOP.

Update: I used to tell my friends in New York that the one thing keeping me in Los Angeles is Trader Joe’s. Today my mother called and said that they are building a Trader Joe’s on 14th Street. Damn New Yorkers!

Now there’s no reason to stay in Los Angeles —

Know Thyself…Very Little

February 22, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 60 Comments

In the early days of my blogging "career," I was jealous of those who were asked by another blogger to do a "meme." I used to ask myself:

"Why wasn’t I asked to do a "meme?" Am I so unloved? Doesn’t anyone want to learn more about me?"

I was ecstatic when I got my first meme. Finally, somebody cared!

Until then, I never had trouble writing a post. But with the meme, I stared at the screen for an hour. It was difficult for me to do. It was like writing an essay for college admissions.

Since then, I’ve been offered other memes. I’m hoping no one has noticed that I never actually do them. I’ve only done that first one. I hope you don’t think me snobbish, as if I’m too proud to answer your question about what type of underwear I wear. I love reading your memes. I love learning more about you. But when I try to do one, I just break out in hives.

I’ve thought about my reasons, and I’ve concluded that I have a "fear of memes." I’m afraid of memes because they require that I answer questions about myself.

And in all honesty, I don’t know myself very well.

Here are some typical meme questions:

What is my favorite movie? It really depends on my mood or who I’m watching it with. Sometimes I watch a movie I thought I loved, like Star Wars, and the movie seems incredibly cheesy.

If I were a fruit, which fruit would I be? Do any of you actually think about this shit? I may have once harbored a fantasy of fucking the Chiquita Banana lady, but I’ve never dreamt about being the banana.

What’s in your bedroom closet? I stuff my closet with dirty laundry. I never open the doors.

Maybe I need to force myself to do these memes. Maybe they will make me understand myself better. Maybe I can use these memes as a cheap way to get some therapy.

A few years back, I did see a therapist. It was, in fact, Sophia’s therapist. At the time, Sophia was seeing Doris, a sixty-ish woman, a former schoolteacher, who always wore tweed, which is odd-looking in Los Angeles. Sophia suggested that I see my own therapist. I told her that I had no idea on how to find a therapist. Soon, Sophia was seeing Doris on Tuesday and I was visiting Doris on Wednesday.

Seeing the same therapist was a disaster. Sophia and I would complain about each other to Doris, and then press this poor women to tell us what the other one had said behind his/her back.

"Whatever Sophia told you, was a lie," I used to tell Doris.

Our arguments at home grew more intense:

"I don’t care what you say. Doris told me that I shouldn’t cave in to you. That’s I’m too passive with you."

"Oh, well, Doris told me that I should stand my ground. And that you manipulate me with your guilt."

"Why don’t we just call Doris and find out who’s lying?!"

Eventually, Doris said our arrangement wasn’t working. She dumped me, since Sophia was her client before I was. Doris suggested that I see her son-in-law, Josh, who just graduated from UCLA and was doing his "required hours" to become a licensed therapist.

My time with Josh was worse than with Doris. I was his very first client. He looked twenty years old. I had this feeling that he had never been on a date before. How was he going to give me any marital advice?

Like many inexperienced people trying to fake it, he overcompensated by doing everything by the book. He sat there silently and wrote notes, like he must have seen therapists do in the movies. I would get so bored just talking to him, like I was on a really bad date. Sometimes, I would try to coax him into conversation:

"Surely you’ve had this same problem with women. Right, Josh?"

He always gave the same stock answer.

"We’re here to talk about you, not me."

Because I did all the talking, I became anxious that I wasn’t interesting enough for him. On the way to his office, I would jot down little notes and jokes, hoping that I would somehow amuse him. But he never smiled.

One day, I was in an Italian restaurant in Westwood, and I saw Josh, eating alone at his table. I started going over to say hello, but he turned away from me, ignoring me. Later, he explained that it wasn’t a good policy for a therapist to interact with a client out of the office.

Gradually, I began to question the sanity of my own therapist, especially after I found out that he was visiting a therapist himself five times a week. Not only that, but it was a lot of work to come up with new material to entertain him all the time.

I hope this gives you some insight into why I have a problem doing those memes. The questions are too difficult for me. I just never had a good therapist and still don’t know who I am.

But please continue sending them my way. I really do appreciate it — even if I never do them.

Why I Moved to Los Angeles

February 3, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 19 Comments

"It Never Rains In Southern California" by Albert Hammond

Got on board a westbound seven forty-seven
Didn’t think before deciding what to do
Ooh, that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies
Rang true, sure rang true …

Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I’ve often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California, but girl, don’t they warn ya?
It pours, man, it pours

I’m out of work, I’m out of my head
Out of self respect, I’m out of bread
I’m underloved, I’m underfed, I wanna go home
It never rains in California, but girl, don’t they warn ya?
It pours, man, it pours

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it?
Had offers but didn’t know which one to take
Please don’t tell ’em how you found me
Don’t tell ’em how you found me
Gimme a break, give me a break

Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I’ve often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California, but girl, don’t they warn ya?
It pours, man, it pours

Upcoming Movie Sequels in Development/Confirmed

A Bugs Life 2
Alien 5
Austin Powers 4
Blair Witch 3
Battlefield Earth 2
Baby’s Day Out 2
Bad Boys 3
Bean 2
Beetlejuice 2
Blade 3: Trinity
Blue Streak 2
Bringing Down The House 2
Bring It On 4
Beverly Hills Cop IV
Bulletproof Monk 2
Caddyshack 3
Commando 2
Cabin Fever 2
Candyman 4
Cats & Dogs 2 [Confirmed]
Country Bears 2 [first bombed?]
Coyote Ugly 2
Cheech and Chong Smoke The Bong
Crocodile Dundee 4
Crow: Wicked Prayer
The Commitments 2
Congo 2
D4: The Mighty Ducks 4
Daredevil 2
Darkness Falls 2
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo [Confirmed]
The Fast and the Furious 3
Final Destination 3
Finding Nemo 2
Freaky Friday 2
Galaxy Quest 2
Ghostbusters 3
Grease 3
Godzilla 2
The Goonies 2: Goonies Never Say Die
Grosse Pointe Blank 2
Halloween 9
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix [Confirmed]
House of The Dead 2
Hellboy 2
Hulk 2
Independence Day 2
Jaws 5
Johnny English 2
Jumanji 2 [Confirmed, Zathura]
Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack is Back
Karate Kid 5
Kindergarten Cop 2
Lethal Weapon 5
Legally Blonde 3
The Lizzie McGuire Movie 2
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 2
Monsters Inc. 2
Mortal Kombat 3: Domination
MVP 3
Men in Black 3
The Mummy 3
Old School 2
Operation Condor 3
Parent Trap 2
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 [Confirmed]
Planet Of The Apes 2
Predator 3
Police Academy 8: Yet Again [Confirmed]
Pretty Woman 2
Punisher 2
Rambo 4
Robocop 4
Roger Rabbit 2
Rocky Horror: The Second Coming
Rocky 6
Scary Movie 5
The Mask 2 [Confirmed]
Scorpion King 2
Scream 4
Seriously Dude Where’s My Car?
Shrek 3 [Confirmed]
The Sixth Sense 2
The Skulls 3
Star Trex XI
Streetfighter 2
Sweet Home Alabama 2
Spiderman 3 [Confirmed]
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Time Cop 2
Tomb Raider 3
Total Recall 2
Toy Story 3
The Transporter 2
Tremors 4
The Tuxedo 2
Twister 2
True Lies 2
Underworld 2
Under Siege 3
Vertical Limit 2
Wrong Turn 2
X-Man 3 [Confirmed]
XXX2 [Confirmed]

(via The Movie Insider)

Fact-Finding Mission

January 30, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 27 Comments

Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles is one of its most shameful spots. Thousands of homeless roam the streets in this scary 50 square block section of the city. But finally, Los Angeles city officials are tackling this problem. A delegation of Los Angeles leaders, including representatives from downtown Los Angeles’ business, law enforcement, and political organizations, travelled to New York’s Times Square on a "fact-finding mission."

New York famously cleaned up Times Square in the 1990s. More than $1 billion has been poured into the area for shelters, housing and cleanup. Times Square saw a 68% decrease in crime between 1992 and 2005. Once a cluster of sex shows and run-down buildings, it is now a bustling city center and tourist destination.

Can Skid Row learn from Times Square? This 30-member delegation wanted to find out.

Of course, there are huge differences in these two areas. New York’s Times Square has been world-famous for a hundred-odd years and is located in the middle of the city. Skid Row is in an grungy dangerous part of town that Angelenos wouldn’t travel to for any reason, even if Pamela Anderson announced she was going to strip naked there on Friday night.

Some wondered if the trip was really necessary at all. After all, isn’t the man who "cleaned up" Times Square, former NYPD head William J. Bratton, now the Chief of Police of the LAPD? Why not just take him out for lunch here in LA and ask him? Why travel 3000 miles and spend our city’s dollars?

But City Council members were adamant that this trip was necessary in order to learn what New Yorkers do right — and to find solutions to Los Angeles’ homeless problem.

I feel honored here at Citizen of the Month to be able to sit down with several members of the delegation, to discuss their trip — and what it could mean for Los Angeles.

Councilman Ed Cheatem (D) said,

"My assignment was to see as many Broadway shows around Times Square as possible. I was especially impressed by the enthusiastic crowd at "Spamalot." If Los Angeles was able to build several Broadway-sized theaters on Skid Row, imagine how that would help clean up the area?"

Asst. Police Commissioner Manuel Dinero disagreed.

"I saw "Spamalot" and wasn’t impressed. The biggest problem facing Skid Row in Los Angeles is the lack of fine eating establishments, like they have here on Times Square. I chose to eat dinner 3-4 times at Becco on West 45th Street. To taste Lidia Bastianich’s Antipasto Misto, an assortment of marinated and grilled vegetables with assorted seafood, was a real eye-opener. If we were to open an establishment like this in skid row, I would think our problem would be solved. Most homeless people cannot afford to eat in a restaurant like this, so they would just move away to a place like Riverside or Oxnard."

Not everything for the delegation revolved around education and "fact-finding." After all, they were in the "city that never sleeps."

State Senator Igor Misleadi said,

"I’m sure the taxpayers understand that part of our mission in New York was to behave like a typical upscale tourist, in order to learn ways to improve our Skid Row as a tourist destination."

It was State Senator Misleadi himself who chose the fashionable W Hotel, Times Square, as their home base.

"We definitely need one of these on Skid Row!" said downtown LA real estate developer Will Steel.

While most of the group went out "clubbing" during their second night in New York, Los Angeles Administrative Officer David Embezzlo and former Council Supervisor Mario Fraude, remained in the hotel, continuing with their work. As part of their research, they asked two high-priced hookers to come to their rooms. They were eager to learn what differentiates upscale New York hookers from the prostitutes on Los Angeles’ Skid Row. Knowing that finding streetwalkers is impossible in visitor-friendly Times Square, they chose instead to deal with an escort service that operated from the Upper East Side.

Supervisor Fraude spoke about his findings:

"The fact that these women had to travel to Times Square did nothing to hamper their abilities to perform their services. I was very impressed. The obvious difference between these upscale New York hookers and their Skid Row counterparts is that these New Yorkers were much more attractive. I also felt less fear of catching some disease. Although their prices were a tad high for a typical county supervisor’s salary, I would say that a New York hooker puts a great deal more effort into her blowjob than the typical prostitute on Skid Row."

Administrative Officer Embezzlo agreed.

"I really learned a lot during this "fact-finding mission" to New York. I’m hoping we gain as many insights during our upcoming "research" trip to Paris."

Beverly Hills Doctor

January 20, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 50 Comments

Living in Los Angeles does have its perks. Today I went to my doctor for my yearly checkup, hoping to be told that that my cholesterol went down. As usual, Doctor Fishbeck kept me waiting in the examining room for a half hour while I looked through his Golf magazines from 2001. The door opened and the doctor bounced in, seeming to be in a better mood than usual.

"Well, hello Neil! How’s the blogging going?"

"Very well, Doctor Fishbeck."

"How are you? How’s your golf?"

"Excellent, excellent. I’m so glad you made an appointment for today. You see, you’re here on a very special day. "

"I am?"

"Absolutely. I’ve been invited to participate in a new reality show for the Discovery Channel."

"Cool."

"It’s called "Doctoring with the Stars." Seven celebrities are teamed up with seven Beverly Hills doctors, and each week the celebrity becomes "the doctor" and his work is judged by two prominent surgeons from Cedars Sinai and UCLA… and the third judge is the guy who played a doctor… on that TV show, Saint Elsewhere… he’s also a comedian…"

"Howie Mandel?"

"Howie Mandel, right."

"Let me see if I get this. You’re teamed up with a celebrity, too?"

Suddenly, a man with a familiar face entered the room. He was carrying a huge basket of Mrs. Fields cookies. On the side of the basket, it read "from your friends at Pfizer."

It was Donny Osmond.

"Two lovely girls just brought this to you, Doctor Fishbeck," said Donny Osmond. "They said for you to remember lunch tomorrow… and something about meeting your quota with the Prozac."

Doctor Fishbeck laughed uncomfortably.

"Ha ha ha! Those jokesters!"

Donny Osmond looked concerned on moral grounds.

"Doctors don’t really push this stuff just because of these cute sales reps, do they?"

"Of course not."

Donny Osmond sighed, in relief. But I was getting concerned.

"Doctor Fishbeck, didn’t you tell me the last time I was here that I should go on Prozac because I was having sinus headaches."

"No. That’s because you were depressed, Neil."

"But I’m not depressed."

"Are you back yet with Sophia?"

"No."

"Get a good job yet?"

"No."

"I just read about that blogger Opinionista, who revealed her identity and now has a book deal. Do you have a book deal?"

No.

"You know, Neil. You look depressed. Let me write you out another prescription for Prozac."

"I didn’t like Prozac. It made my penis numb."

"Are you having any sex lately?"

"No."

"So what’s the difference? Prozac it is."

Donny Osmond claps, impressed with the doctor.

"I’m so lucky to be teamed with you, Doctor Fishbeck. I’m learning so much about being a doctor. Alyssa Milano really hates the doctor she’s been teamed up with."

"Donny Osmond, meet Neil Kramer. He will be your patient today."

"Uh, nice to meet you Mr. Osmond, but I’m not really sure… how much training have you had again?"

"Three days. It’s just episode one. The finale is an operation. But that’s a few weeks away. Do you by chance need an operation?"

"Don’t worry about the operation, Donny!," said Doctor Fishbeck. It will be a breeze! I’ve seen you as host of Pyramid. Cool as a cucumber. "

"Thanks for the confidence, Doctor Fishbeck."

"Neil, I’m going to leave you with Donny Osmond. I mean Dr. Osmond."

As Doctor Fishbeck exits, two cameramen and a boom operator enter the room. Donny Osmond takes out a notebook, reading from it.

"OK, Neil, take down your pants and I’m going to ask you to cough."

"Is my HMO going to cover this?"

"What’s an HMO?"

At Least She Got an Umbrella

January 2, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 63 Comments

(photo by Fescue)

Los Angeles doesn’t have too many big civic events, like other big cities back East. That’s why the Pasadena Tournament of Roses Parade is such a big deal here in town. I’ve been to it a couple of times, and the floats, created with flowers, seeds, and other natural items, are really amazing. This year the parade was a blow-out, with torrential rains for the first time in fifty years.

However, the big story in town was not the rain, but what happened in the anchor booth of local television station KTLA. Although KTLA is only the local WB network affiliate, they easily get the most viewers during the parade every year because the hosts, B-celebrities Bob Eubanks and Stephanie Edwards, have been doing it together since 1978. When you say the Rose Parade to most Angelenos, they think of these two, sort of like Dick Clark is forever associated with New Year’s Eve.

Stephanie Edwards, who is 62, hasn’t been very lucky lately, due to her advancing age. She was the long time spokesperson for the Albertson’s Supermarket chain (which ironically used to be called Lucky Supermarket before a big supermarket merger), until she was replaced by Patricia Heaton of "Everybody Loves Raymond." In an interview she gave a few years ago, she said that before she was let go, she was told that her crows feet were getting too noticeable.

Today, I turned into KTLA to watch the parade and there in the booth was Bob Eubanks, 68, along a new co-host — the much younger Michaela Pereira, the sexy co-anchor of KTLA’s jokey "Morning News," showing off some really nice cleavage that wasn’t matched by her knowledge (she said that "Sandra Day O’Connor was the first woman appointed to the Superior Court" and referred to floats as self-built).

And where was Stephanie Edwards?

(photo by Fescue)

She was standing on the street in the pouring rain and had about five minutes of air time over the entire telecast.

Kevin Roderick of L.A. Observed reports that:

Pasadena Star-News editor Larry Wilson saw it coming, writing in a column last week that Edwards has been hinting around town at Channel 5’s plans to exile her. Wilson received calls from Edwards supporters saying it was unfair that she got moved out for a younger woman while Eubanks, who is six years older, remains. Wilson then got a message from KTLA denying that Edwards was demoted, but rather had shifted into the new role of "roving co-host."

Some say that Edwards was temperamental and there was tension between her and Eubanks. But Eubanks is also known as temperamental. In fact, in Michael Moore’s "Roger & Me," the former host of The Newlywed Game said: "Why don’t Jewish women get AIDS? Because they don’t fuck assholes; they marry them."

Nice guy.

Why was he the one kept in the booth? And how many times did he have to mention his two year old son? We get it Bob, you don’t need Viagra. Translation: Old men can still marry and procreate with hot young women. Old women get sent out to stand in the rain.

I have so many female readers. Does this putting an older woman out to pasture bother you or do you accept it as the way of the world? I overheard two young women at a coffee shop today, and they liked the new female host since she was "prettier and friendlier." I’d like to hear what these two have to say in 40 years.

Today on Blogebrity: Communicatrix Gets to Empty

Sophia in “Windfall”

December 7, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 39 Comments

Windfall cast
The cast of "Windfall" (sans Sophia)

In the past, I’ve mentioned that Sophia frequently works as a Russian dialect coach for movies and TV, as well as doing her regular job as a court interpreter. A few weeks ago, thanks to a a very unexpected recommendation by her friend, Richard, Sophia got called in to audition for a guest shot on a new NBC show called "Windfall," playing, of all things, a Russian court interpreter. Sophia nailed the audition and got the job.

"Windfall" is a drama about a group of people who share a large lottery winning. It will premiere in January. The show stars Luke Perry. Yes, that Luke Perry.

Even though the scene was short, Sophia must have made a great impression, because now she’s been called back to play the same character in a second episode filming this Friday!

Sophia thinks this might be the final scene with the Russian interpreter — or is it? I sat down today to quickly write a new "Windfall" script, hoping to convince the producers to expand Sophia’s role.

Here’s one of the scenes from my teleplay:

INT. PETER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Peter (Luke Perry) and Natasha (Sophia Lansky) are in bed together, post lovemaking.

Peter: "Natasha, I’ve never done this before. But hearing you simulataneously interpret for that Russian killer was one of the most erotic experiences of my life."

Natasha: "Do you really want me to move in here with you? After all, we just met this afternoon."

Peter: "Yes, Natasha. We are soulmates, I know it. I’ve already broken it off with my girlfriend."

Natasha: "But doesn’t she already have thirteen episodes in her contract… I mean a baby with you?"

Peter: I’m Luke Perry… I mean Peter, one of the winners of the lottery. I can choose my own destiny and I choose YOU."

Natasha: I love you… Peter…

Peter: I love you, Natasha…

They kiss, passionately. It is clear that Peter is the best kisser Natasha has ever kissed, surpassed only by the passion and skill of her separated husband, Nikolai.

Natasha: "You know what I really want to do now…?"

Peter: "I do know… because I want to do it, too…"

Natasha: "…go online together and see if there’s a new post from "Citizen of the Month.""

Peter: "That’s my favorite blog also. We have so much in common!"

They go hand-in-hand to the computer.

FADE OUT

END OF SCENE

Good, huh? They are definitely going to keep Sophia for more episodes now!

Break a leg, Sophia!

Today on Blogebrity: JJ at Purgatorian (his site)

A Chicken Sausage for One of the Mishpucha

December 1, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 44 Comments

(Mishpucha: family in Yiddish)

Jordan Monkarsh
CEO
Jody Maroni’s Sausage Factory

An Open Letter

Dear Jordan Monkarsh,

Before I tell you why I’m writing to you, please let me explain who you are to the readers of this blog. You are the gourmet hot dog and sausage king of the Los Angeles area. I first learned of your delicious gourmet dogs at your famous Jody Maroni’s stand on Venice Beach. Soon, you had stands in several places around town, including Dodger Stadium and LAX. Trader Joe’s even started selling your great turkey and chicken sausages.

I thought about writing this letter to you for about a year now, but I always felt embarrassed and "chickened out," as they say in the sausage business. Today, Sophia suggested I blog about you, and hopefully you’ll end up seeing this on Google and respond.

My reason for writing you is quite simple. A year ago, I learned that you, the creator of my favorite gourmet hot dogs, weren’t really a Jody Maroni, but a Jordan Monkarsh. Now Monkarsh is also my mother’s maiden name. I have never met anyone else with that last name. Do you know where this name comes from? Is it the name of a small village in Eastern Europe somewhere perhaps? Who knows, maybe we are long-lost relatives brought together by our love of chicken sausages?

Now, I’ve been reluctant to write to you because I was afraid you would think that I’m a crackpot, or worse – some loony out to ask you for money. I’m sure you’re worth millions by now. Even if we are somehow related, I do not want a penny. I don’t even want any free sausages. OK, one might be nice — just as a gesture for the family.

All I really wanted to do was say hello. I thought that there might be some weird spiritual reason that one of my favorite Los Angeles foods was created by someone with the same last name as my mother’s.

While I have your attention, here’s a little story you might find amusing:

Several years ago, my wife, Sophia Lansky, and I went to Memphis to visit Graceland. While walking around town, we noticed that inside the famed Peabody Hotel was a men’s clothing store named Lansky’s. It was a famous place in town because the Lansky Brothers were Elvis’ official clothiers. They supplied Elvis with his flashy early clothes and his famous Gold Lame’ jacket for his early performance on the Ed Sullivan Show.

We went inside the store and asked one of the salesgirls if there was still a Lansky involved with the store because Sophia’s last name just happened to be Lansky as well. All of sudden, the salesgirl grew concerned and called over a security guard. The store seemed to go on red alert. A curtain opened from the back and an elderly, but dapper, very-successful looking Jewish man entered. This was BERNARD LANSKY himself, the man that clothed Elvis. We were as close to being with Elvis himself as we would ever get.

"So, you say you’re a Lansky," he asked.

"Yes." said Sophia.

"Where were you born?"

"Russia."

"Where in Russia?"

"Odessa, now in Ukraine."

"I know. I know. Do you have two forms of ID on you proving that you are a Lansky?"

Sophia showed him her CA drivers license and her SAG card.

Bernard Lansky eased, but only a little.

"And what do you want?"

"Nothing. Lansky is a fairly rare name. Just curious to meet someone with the same last name."

Bernard Lansky explained that over the years, many people, claiming to be Lanskys, had tried to get money from him. We assured him that we had no interest in his money.

He became friendlier and told us all about clothing Elvis wore and how he personally made Elvis his gold lame jacket. He said that his store on Beale Street became a big success because everyone wanted to dress like Elvis. Bernard Lansky and Sophia talked a bit. It seemed that Bernard’s family came from Russia also. When some customers came in, we decided to leave. Before we left, he told Sophia to "keep in touch."

"One more thing," he said. "I have a gift for you."

He gave Sophia a souvenir from his famous store in Memphis – a hanger. Mind you, it said "Lansky" on the hanger, but it was a hanger.

So, Mr. Monkarsh, as you see, Sophia did not walk away empty-handed. Sophia left Mr. Lansky carrying a precious memento.

What about you? Would it kill you to give one free Tequila Chicken Sausage with Jalapenos, Corn and Fresh Lime sausage to someone who just might be part of the mishpucha?

Sincerely,

Neilochka

Today on Blogebrity: Humanity Critic (his site)

Modern Politics

November 5, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 21 Comments

While I was over at Sophia’s place today, she played me all the political messages that were on her answering machine relating to Election Day. California always has hundreds of confusing initiatives on the ballot, and frankly I’m not sure how most people even understand what they are all about.

Sophia is a registered Republican and got several messages from her party, including one "directly" from Governor Schwarzenegger himself. I received messages from the Democratic Party since I’m still registered here in Redondo Beach.

All of the messages contained no clear reason to vote one way or another other than party identification.

As we sat down to catch up on a week’s worth of "All My Children" episodes, Sophia had a sudden urge for watermelon. We took a walk to the supermarket. As we left the supermarket with our overpriced watermelon, we were stopped by a scraggly-looking guy who asked us if we wanted to sign a petition against redistricting. You show me a petition – I think it must be for a good cause. I agreed to sign it.

Sophia wasn’t as easy a customer. She asked the Scraggly Petition Guy all sorts of questions. Even after the guy gave some semi-reasonable answers, Sophia didn’t buy it. She said she didn’t believe in the petition, so she couldn’t honestly sign it.

"No problem," said the guy.

He pulled out another petition and handed it to her.

"Then maybe you’ll sign this. It’s for the opposite side."

Sophia and I glanced at each other.

"What’s going on?" I asked the petition guy. "You’re petitioning for opposite points of views at the same time? I’ve never seen this before."

"I’m not petitioning for anything," he answered. "I get paid a buck a signature by both sides. He-he-he. Sweet deal. You’re sure you don’t wanna sign?"

Jonny Kops — Remember That Name!

October 26, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 38 Comments

(photos by Lawrence K. Ho/LAT)

Let’s admit it. We all want to hang out with the hipsters. To be where the cool people are.

Even the stodgy LA Times. Why else would the Los Angeles Times do a Page One story yesterday on Mark "The Cobra Snake" Hunter, a blogger famous for taking photos of hipsters at cool parties and posting them on his website, The Cobra Snake?

With evident glee, Mark "The Cobra Snake" Hunter bypasses a long door line and climbs the steps to the packed upstairs level of the Hollywood club Cinespace, his digital Canon D20 camera at his side.

As soon as Hunter and his two female friends are in, hipsters in the crowd reach out to greet him, call out his name, give him high-fives. Hunter is frenetically taking pictures, complimenting strangers on their outfits, searching for the next shot almost before he finishes the first.

It makes the Los Angeles Times look as cool as Sergeant Friday did when he ‘got down’ with the ‘hippies’ in one of the old Dragnet episodes.

Let’s admit it. We all want to hang out with the hipsters. To be where the cool people are.

Even young music producer Jonny Kops. For years, Jonny has dreamed of hitting it big. Sure it’s a tough biz, but if he makes the right connections, goes to the right parties, gets his name out there…

Jonny is at the hip Cinespace when Mark "The Cobra Snake" Hunter bursts in with his Canon D20. Daniel Hernandez, Times Staff writer, is following their every move:

It is nearing midnight on a typical Tuesday for the city’s most sought after self-made party photographer.

"I’ve met you before, I met you at that party. What was it? The Diesel party?" Hunter asks Jonny Kops, a 25-year-old Brooklyn music producer standing against a wall holding a beer.

Hunter is already snapping his portrait.

"He’s all over the place," Kops says after Hunter disappears to look for another shot. "He’s the Ron Jeremy of photography," a reference to the famously homely porn star.

Jonny Kops is proud of his witty comment. He ponders his new found fame.

"Things are going to change now. I’m gonna be in the LA Times. Every hipster in town is gonna know my name."

He smiles at a cute blond with fake boobs, who runs past him, waving to Mark "The Cobra Snake" Hunter.

"Take my photo! Take my photo! Please!" she screams.

Jonny Kops takes a sip of his beer. Jonny laughs to himself.

"Soon, the women will be running after me. Once my name is in the paper, every female blogger is gonna wanna fuck me. Jonny Kops. Remember that name. Jonny Kops."