the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Life with Sophia (Page 4 of 27)

Carpool Lane

I am enjoying writing posts on my iPhone. They tend to be short, snapshots of half-baked ideas, complete with amusing errors from the spell-checker, passages with no literary value.

I am sitting in the waiting room of Sophia’s therapist, dragged along at the last minute as the live carpool dummy, so she could make her appointment in time. She drove the car, because I hate to drive in the carpool lane during heavy traffic. I become unsettled at the speed that you can drive in contrast to the bumper-touching stillness of those stuck in a automobile rut.

I like the gentle slowness of traffic. I like to linger and watch people, to wink at the pretty girls in their Volvos, all impossible to do when you are careening forward in the far lane, like a bobsledder in the winter olympics, dangerously navigating the curvy, snake-like path against the dividing wall.

I let her drive fast. I would rather drive slow, even in fast-paced Los Angeles, another sign of our incompatibility.

I put my ear to the wall to see if I can hear her speaking with her therapist. Is she talking about me? I hope so.

Car Stolen

Hyundai
Santa Fe
gone away
to East L.A.
where Jose
will chop away
and ship next day
to Monterrey.

What can I say?
You’re on your way
to those who pay
for parts Hyundai.

I hope and pray
You’ll be OK
Good-bye Hyundai
my Santa Fe!

+++

Two nights ago, Sophia called me from Los Angeles.  Someone broke into our cars in our driveway and ransacked them.  She called the police, who said there was little they could do.  Our insurance card and checkbook were stolen, but we decided that this theft wasn’t the end of the world, even though Sophia felt a bit shaken, especially now that she is living alone.  We figured the matter was closed.  Last night, they returned, broke into our Hyundai SUV, disabled the alarm, and stole the car.  Sophia called the police again, who told her not to be hopeful about seeing the car again.

Call Box

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I brought along a pile of old CDs to play in the car as we drove to Las Vegas.  I had planned on us leaving Friday morning, but Sophia had the idea of leaving Thursday night instead.  I was wary of the idea, not liking the idea of driving for five hours after a long day working.  Sophia argued that if we followed her plan, we would get another day of vacation by waking up in Las Vegas on Friday.
She won the argument, as usual.

I was driving Sophia’s Prius.  We had just left Los Angeles County.  Cake was playing in the CD player.  Sophia liked a song, and tried to sing along, but couldn’t figure out lyrics.

“What is he saying?” she asked. “I have no pants?”  “I have to pant?”  “I have an aunt?””

Sophia played the song over an over again, trying to decipher the lyrics.

And she calls me obsessive.

A collective lightbulb popped up over our heads.  We have iphones.  We have an app in which you can lift the iphone up to a speaker, and it will figure out the title and artist of any song, as well as give you links to YouTube videos and lyrics to the song.

Sophia was now free to sing songs, knowing the lyrics.  This made her very happy.  We listened to ten songs, using the iphone to bring us the correct lyrics.  Sophia’s energy was infectious.  I sang along.  The Prius was filled with our voices.  This is what life SHOULD be.  Away from the chaos of urban life, on the open desert road, the dust and darkness surrounding us, a primitive landscape as seen from the modern comfort of our musically-filled cocoon.

Because we were singing so loudly, it took us a moment to realize that the car was started to stall.  We were out of gas.  The battery of the Prius had also run out of juice.  I was assuming that Sophia was watching the dashboard, since it was HER CAR.  Sophia assumed that since I was driving, I would be smart enough to have seen the blinking empty gas light.

This is exactly what has happened over and over again in our marriage.  We would be having fun, and then realizing that no one had done the taxes, or paid the bills.  And then the fun stopped.

I slid the car to the right shoulder.  I had never run out of gas before.  We started blaming each other, but quickly stopped.  It was more important RIGHT NOW to come up with a plan.   It was midnight.  We were in some deserted stretch of the 15 Freeway in San Bernadino Country, 40 miles from the next town.

Earlier that night, our iphones saved us by deciphering the lyrics to songs.  Now, we need them to save our lives again.  But just our luck.  There was NO SERVICE!  Thanks a lot, ATT.   I stepped out of the car, carefully avoiding the trucks whizzing by, hoping to catch a signal, but nothing.  Sophia did the same on the passenger side.

“I think something bit me!” she said, as the dust made my eyes itchy.

Now we were getting a little scared.  I once saw this movie about two strangers stuck in the desert, when a sleazy looking trucker stopped, offering his help, and then —

I wanted to tell Sophia about this movie, but decided that it was not the appropriate time.  Instead, I did what any male does in a situation like this, when there is a helpless woman at his side — I worried and bit my nail.

“What do we do now?” I asked.

“You need to go find a call box.”

I walked through the darkness of the freeway shoulder until I found the call box.  I had a sudden urge to pee, but was afraid of a rattlesnake jumping up and biting my dick off.

I reached the call box.  The instructions were written in a font so small that I had to take off my glasses and use the iphone for a flashlight.  I called someone — some gruff sounding woman, I’m not sure who — highway patrol?  — who connected me to AAA.

The rest of the story is not that interesting.  It took the AAA an hour to show up.  The driver only had two gallons of gas on the truck, so we crossed our fingers, hoping we could make it to some nearby truck stop.  We luckily made it to the truck stop, where I quickly filled up the tank.  I didn’t want to hang around too long.  Everyone at the station looked EXACTLY like the trucker I remembered from the movie I didn’t want to tell Sophia.

Marital report card:

We cursed at each other, blamed each other, and exploited this experience as proof to why we shouldn’t be married, but we made it through with most of our dignity.  We made it to Las Vegas at 3AM.  We were cranky, but semi-amused by the adventure.

We didn’t freak out THAT MUCH.  We handled it.  And it made us proud.

Monday Night Therapy

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(actual magazines from therapist’s waiting room!)

Last night, I went with Sophia to her therapist. It was the first time EVER that we sat in the same room with one therapist.

(this part deleted)

After the session, I thought I had “won.” Sophia laughed, saying it was a clear victory for her team.

(this part deleted)

Later, we realized that the big winner was the therapist. $$$$$$

Anxiety Friday: Confrontation

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Last Sunday was a perfect California day.  Sophia and I walked to the pier.   There was an all-day jazz festival going on.   The stage was set up right in front of the Pacific.   Nearby was a small crafts fair, where vendors sold paintings, incense, and jewelry.  Sophia and I settled in and enjoyed the music.

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While I was in New York, I had bad-mouthed Los Angeles.   New York seemed so much “real.”    Now that I was grooving to the music, performed by a good-looking, ethnically diverse group of jazz players, the blue sky and blue ocean as a backdrop, the weather perfect, I remembered what I loved about California.    Why deal with the grit and grime and bad manners of New Yorkers, when I can just hang out with the mellow dudes by the beach?

I always say that I feel more at home in New York, but in many ways, I am not a true New Yorker.   I’m not brash or in your face.  I don’t honk my horn or yell “Yo!”   One of my favorite bands is… The Eagles.  I don’t look for confrontation.  I avoid it, wanting to sit back and  watch the Tequila Sunrise.

I was listening to the third band of the afternoon, a terrific Latin Jazz quartet, when Sophia saw him marching through the crowd, holding his hand-written sign.   He was a Holocaust denier.   I had never seen one in all my life.    At the beach?   I certainly had never encountered one in New York.

Were there no other Jews on the pier on a Sunday?  This guy was walking around with this sign saying the Holocaust never happened, and everyone kept on with their business, drinking sodas, listening to the music, and shopping for jewelry.

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“I’m going to say something to that moron,” said Sophia.

“No.  Forget it,” I said.

“I’m not going to forget it,” she said angrily.

Sophia is NOT afraid of confrontation, and I wasn’t keen on her going over there and making a scene.

“I’ll go over there,” I said.

“And take a photo of him.   Post it on your blog so then you can show everyone online what a jerk he is.”

I stood up and headed in the direction of the Holocaust denier.   I had no idea what I was going to say or do.   I had conflicting thoughts.   As a proud member of the ACLU, I knew that he had a fundamental American right to freedom of speech, even if his ideas are idiotic.   He wasn’t posing a danger to anyone, only annoying the shit out of me, and ruining the relaxing afternoon.

I slowly crept up behind up, and took out my iphone.   I wanted a photo of him and his sign.   As I neared, the anxiety took hold.    What would he say to me?   Did I really want to get into a heated argument with a crazy person?   What is the point?   What if this is his intention — to get people, especially Jews, all riled up?   Would it be better to just ignore him?   Why was no one else saying anything?   Did no one else give a shit?

I lifted the iphone to take a photo, my hand shaky, when I thought I saw him looking my way.   I wimped out.   I turned to my right hand side and made believe I was taking a photo of some artwork that was for sale at a vendor’s booth.

The vendor, an attractive, but heavily Botoxed blonde of about forty-five, immediately stepped in front of my iphone.   It surprised me, because I wasn’t even aware she was there, my focus was so heavily on the Holocaust denier.

“Did you just take a photo of this painting?”

“No.”

“I saw you take it.”

“I didn’t take a photo.”

“I saw you!”

My brain was working too slow to explain the whole situation — how I got nervous trying to take a photo of the Holocaust denier, so I faked taking a photo of her artwork as a distraction before I got my nerve again.     I showed her the iPhone screen to prove that the camera wasn’t on.

“Let me see the photos,”  she insisted.

This woman was getting on my nerves.   I looked over at the typical beach artwork that was displayed — the sailboat on the ocean — and wondered what was up her ass.

I opened the “camera roll” on the iphone and turned it towards the woman.

“You see?  Nothing,”  I announced.

That’s when she crossed the boundary of civilized society.   She reached out with her index finger and touched the screen of my iphone to scroll to the next photo.

“What are you doing?”  I asked.

“I want to see the other photos.”

“I already told you I didn’t take any photos.”

“I want to see.  I have a right.”

“A right?  A right to what?  To touch my phone?”

“This is my artwork.   It is copyrighted.  No one is allowed to photograph it.”

“That’s bullshit.   You’re a vendor on a public pier.   I’m free to  walk here and take a photo of whatever I want.”

“I don’t want you to take a photo of my artwork.”

“Fuck you!” I said.

I never say “Fuck you,” in public, but there was a nut holding a sign denying the Holocaust three feet away from her, and she was upset because some guy might have taken a photo with his iphone of her shitty painting!

I became confrontational, not with the Holocaust denier, but the art vendor.  I picked up my iphone and took a photo of her artwork.

“NOW I took a photo of your artwork,” I said, aggressively

“You CAN’T DO THAT!”

“I just did.   And there is nothing you can do about it.   This is a free country.  This is a public pier.   I pay for it with my taxes.    In fact, I don’t know who YOU are or if you live here.  I could go to the Redondo Beach mayor’s office and make sure YOU don’t come here again.   As long as I’m not selling the photos I just took for profit, I can take as many as I want.   This isn’t a museum.  Sell them in your house, then you can make the rule.   Right now, you are on public property!”

By now, my voice was loud and obnoxious, just like a stereotypical New Yorker’s, and was attracting attention from all the mellow jazz lovers.   The Holocaust denier turned my way.   Oddly, by yelling at the art vendor, I had just made an argument for him.   This was a public space.   I could take photographs of amateurish paintings of boats, and he could legally walk around with a sign denying the Holocaust.

“Asshole,” I said to him, and took a photo.

beach3

Rock Bottom: The Trainwreck Post

bottom1

Splat.  I hit the cold hard bottom.  Since returning from my visit with my mother and Sophia down in Florida, I have fallen apart.  My anxiety level is at an all time high.  All the strands of my life are converging — my marriage, my mother returning to Queens in two weeks, work concerns that pit living in NYC with moving back to LA.

I can’t live like this anymore.  I need to have a home AND a somewhat normal existence.

I need to have a wife that I either live with, or NOT be married to her.  I need to love someone and be loved.  I need to focus on my writing, on my career, on money, and on life.

I need to be able to feel up a woman before I go to sleep, or why else continue living?

All I’ve done for the last few days is go on Twitter and argue with people about Twitter.

I just took a Prozac.  I’m a little concerned on the Prozac’s effect on my Penis, but so far, it hasn’t fallen off.

First time, no comments.

Florida Vacation Photos!

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West Palm Beach, Florida

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Delray Beach, Florida

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Sophia and My Mother

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The water was much warmer than at the beach in LA.

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I kept on seeing these hunky guys on the beach with no hair on their bodies, so I tried to shave my back, but mostly just cut myself.

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Palm Beach — the good ol’ days (for everyone except the guy pushing the chair).  Look at the contrast in expressions.

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The Flagler Mansion in Palm Beach.   Flagler is the man who “created modern Florida” through his building of the railroad and his somewhat shady dealings with the government.   Our tour guide was a very well-dressed older man who I think just lost his fortune in the Madoff ponzi scheme and was forced to take a job giving visitors tours of the mansion.

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florida9
The Flagler Museum offers a “high tea.”  It was fun, but the sandwiches were so measly that we went out to lunch afterwards.

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There are canals all along the coast, and drawbridges everywhere, especially in Fort Lauderdale.   I was surprised how patient  the drivers were, waiting in their cars with no honking.   This would not happen in New York.

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I know everyone is waiting for me to make fun of Century Village, with all the residents at “death’s door,” but it really wasn’t that bad.  Sure, there was a good amount of senior Jewish kvetching about their aching backs by the former New York residents, but let’s give kudos to modern science for keeping all of us alive longer, and in better health.    Here is my mother and a couple of her friends talking about the younger man who is taking a shower in the apartment next door and the size of his penis.   (Ha Ha, my mother was NOT happy with that post, because she just told all of her friends at Century Village to read my blog — and the first post they read was…)

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The “Clubhouse” is the central attraction at Century Village, much like the Student Union on a college campus.    Inside this nice building is a gym, a library, art studios, card rooms, and a theater.    Thousands of people live in Century Village and they have their own bus system.

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The lobby of the Clubhouse is as nice as one at any Hyatt Hotel.

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The clubhouse has several enormous Las Vegas sized card rooms.   My mother played canasta, mah jonng, Scrabble, etc.    Let’s admit it — this isn’t that much different than the stupid games we play on Facebook.   At least here, the residents are playing with REAL people, face to face.

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The entertainment offered to the residents is surprisingly good.   While I didn’t go to any of the recent shows, they included an ABBA and Beatles tribute band, Chubby Checker, and a night with Robert Klein.   Robert Klein!   Hey, I guess we all get older.   Would it really be that surprising to have Prince and Janet Jackson performing for us when we are at Century Village?

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Here is some belly dancer at a Greek restaurant that I am throwing in, just for the sex appeal.   We were there for the early bird special!   Since I was one of the younger men there, she invited me to dance with her.   Sorry, no video camera.

My mother returns to New York at the end of the month.   This year was an experiment, and she seemed to enjoy skipping the New York winter for three months.    But I’m not sure she’s ready to spend ALL her time playing canasta just yet.  I think she misses the big city.

As for me — and what I am doing next now that she is returning? — I certainly can’t live with my mother forever.   That is too weird, even for me.   I would grow despondent and spend all my time on Twitter.   Uh-oh.

So what is my next step?   Ha, I’m not going to tell you!   I’m going to keep it vague — just to keep you coming back to the blog, in the same way that you keep on watching “Lost,” despite having no idea what the hell is going on.  In fact, isn’t that WHY you watch it?!

Very Vague Dispatch from L.A. — #4

Possible Position Soon Available:   Rebound Woman

Wanted:   Attractive,  educated, and good-humored woman who wears glasses, but takes them off in a sexy manner, who enjoys watching Flight of the Conchords and classic James Stewart movies, being felt up while baking cookies (no oatmeal cookie lovers need apply, large nipples preferable), and angry sex against the living room wall with a depressed, unpaid blogger until he overcomes the hurt of his recent past involvement and dumps you as you become emotionally involved with him, destroying your sense of self-worth and identity, and leaving you in debt, but giving you the satisfaction of knowing that you have helped another person move on to a more realistic and fulfilling relationship.

No benefits.

Very Vague Dispatch from L.A. – #3

I found this actual “Depression Test” online.    Here are my answers, and the result.

Q: Do you feel sad or irritable?  Yes.

Q: Have you lost interest in activities once enjoyed?  Yes.

Q: Have you experienced changes in weight or appetite?  No.

Q: Have you experienced changes in sleeping pattern?  No.

Q: Do you have feelings of guilt?  Yes.

Q: Are you unable to concentrate, remember things, or make decisions?  No.

Q: Have you experienced fatigue or loss of energy?  Yes.

Q: Have you experienced restlessness or decreased activity noticed by others?  Yes.

Q: Do you feel hopeless, or worthless?  No.

Q: Have you had thoughts of suicide or death?  No.  (who would write Citizen of the Month?  Some hack?)

You answered 5 items out of 10 “Yes”.   According to The National Mental Health Association, there is a 50% chance that you may be suffering from clinical depression and a 50% chance that you are not suffering from clinical depression.    Hopefully, this test has helped you clarify your concerns.

Yes, thank you!   I was having a few concerns about being depressed today, especially after this little incident while shopping with Sophia, where I started to hyperventilate and feel trapped while searching for “Euro-size” pillow shams in Bed, Bath, and Beyond, as if the linens themselves were masked men in 300 thread count bandanas surrounding me, hovering and ominous, the danger imminent.   And then I got very sleepy.   So, I went back home to take this depression test.   It is good to know that I am only 50% depressed, although the last two questions seem a bit extreme.    Hopeless?  Worthless?  Suicide?   As bad as things get, I can always look at online photos of women in their underwear.    How hopeless can you be when you have that?

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