the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Very Vague Dispatch from L.A. — #4

Possible Position Soon Available:   Rebound Woman

Wanted:   Attractive,  educated, and good-humored woman who wears glasses, but takes them off in a sexy manner, who enjoys watching Flight of the Conchords and classic James Stewart movies, being felt up while baking cookies (no oatmeal cookie lovers need apply, large nipples preferable), and angry sex against the living room wall with a depressed, unpaid blogger until he overcomes the hurt of his recent past involvement and dumps you as you become emotionally involved with him, destroying your sense of self-worth and identity, and leaving you in debt, but giving you the satisfaction of knowing that you have helped another person move on to a more realistic and fulfilling relationship.

No benefits.

49 Comments

  1. sizzles

    That sounds like my last few relationships. Oh hell, who am I kidding? Most of them.

  2. natalie

    sorry i am booked solid for the next several months. you’ll just have to find someone else! (whew…got out of that one!)

  3. Zoeyjane

    I think you need to post that on plenty of fish, immediately. That’s everyone’s dream, right there.

  4. Kirsten/Mama Ginger Tree

    I have small nipples AND I love oatmeal cookies. Sorry.

  5. dan-E

    neil, please for the love of all that is good, post this on craigslist (i’m thinking casual encounters would be appropriate). post it and get back to us to see if anyone actually replies.

    i’m guessing you’ll get more than a handful of serious interests. do this. i don’t ask for much.

  6. Tobi

    I could warm up some Oreos for you if you think that will help.

  7. Long Story Longer

    That’s not that vague.
    Sorry.

  8. Michele

    I think you can order those online somewhere. I’ll let you know if I find the site.

  9. kat

    i was right there with you until that “leaving you in debt” part.

  10. Amy Nathan

    You will DEFINITELY need help writing a new JDate profile. 😉

  11. better safe than sorry

    sorry, i’m more of a large nippled, oatmeal cookie baker, humphrey bogart sort of woman. but good luck!

  12. SciFi Dad

    I think you need to be more specific; what defines “large” nipples? 2″ diameter? Longer tips?

    And, what about hair on those nipples?

  13. teahouseblossom

    Yeah, I second the previous commenter. Nipples the size of dinner plates?

    For some people, angry hot sex alone is a benefit. I’m just saying.

  14. Betsey

    I’m pretty sure they have to RAH-OH-LLING into your inbox right at this moment.

  15. AnnieH(the other Annie)

    This just makes my heart hurt.

  16. patois

    Oh, come on, you describe all the benefits in the main section.

  17. PattyCake

    Oh good, you’re letting your cock post again.
    If you can meet me halfway and watch pirate movies, too, I might consider.

  18. sarah g

    i’m supposing that things arent working out?

  19. churlita

    Wow. That sounds really attractive, but I want the guy to bake the cookies.

  20. ali

    and what single girl doesn’t want that??!?!

    ps. oatmeal cookies are delicious. just saying.

  21. Joe Schmitt

    You should run this in Craigslist and report back the results. You can say you’re out on “interviews with potential candidates”.

  22. Meg

    I’d totally laugh if I didn’t think you weren’t 95% dead serious. 🙂

  23. Postmodern Sass

    I’ve got the Tina Fey glasses, which I need only for reading, so I’m always taking them off, but would you settle for muffins? I’m not so big on the cookies. Or nipples.

  24. jon deal

    Except that I’m a married man, I’d be a perfect candidate. (I have HUGE nipples! Sorry, TMI?) :-]

  25. brettdl

    Each post sounds more ominous. Come visit in Arizona and get some sun. You need to escape both oppressive coasts and get more Vitamin D. Long hikes in the desert help clear the mind.

  26. mommyknows

    Would you be willing to share the cookies with my four kids? The nipples with any future kids? Could we afford more kids?

  27. followthatdog

    Damn, you have perfectly summed up a large number of my relationships.

  28. Mark

    Big nipples? Really?

    So wouldn’t have pictured that from you.

  29. TorontoPearl

    People, didn’t you notice the header: POSSIBLE Position… Don’t get your hopes up too soon and send in your applications.
    I’m gonna stick to my day job for at least a while longer!

  30. Twenty Four At Heart

    This post sums up exactly why I love you so much!

  31. Rattling the Kettle

    How large do the nipples need to be? Silver dollar-sized?

    Also, should they be really dark? Or is pink OK?

  32. Annie

    My heart hurts for you too. I wish things were going better, but most of all I want you to cheer up, wish I knew a way to do that besides being rebound girl, which I have done enough of, thank you very much. XOXO

  33. Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas

    (does her best Arnold Horseshack impression) Ohh! OOh! Mr. Neil! Pick me! PICK ME!

    Oh, I need to be single? Crap.

    Hmmmmmm. But then again, I AM from Vegas.

    (searches closet for cement snowshoes, size 11-1/2).

    Shhhhh!

  34. flutter

    don’t forget the part about wrestling in pudding….

  35. headbang8

    That’s the spirit!

  36. Marney

    I call them wagon wheel nipples.

  37. Anissa@hope4peyton

    If you think you can get over the oatmeal thing I might know someone!

  38. Mattie

    This is just sad. So sad. My heart is breaking.

  39. kanani

    Well, you’re honest. So give yourself ten points.

  40. Jane

    I don’t picture you as the angry sex against the wall type, but more the head in the lap while sobbing type, after which you’d have a warm glass of something, pull down your plaid pajama bottoms, and beg for a little somethin’-somethin’ from some ever-patient, maternal type woman with big kazooms just like mom. Afterwards, you’d curl up to sleep with your glasses on, and she’d carefully remove them as she tucked the blanket under your chin and kissed you on the forehead. In the morning, she’d bring you breakfast in bed, but you’d be a total asshole because you were all vulnerable the night before, and then you’d leave and take a week or so before calling her back.

    I’m just sayin’.

  41. Neil

    Jane, you know me too well.

  42. Jane

    I know my Jewish men. 🙂

  43. 3boys1mommy

    Debt? Pftt! I spit in debts face.

  44. kellypea

    Fascinating — and since everyone’s already said everything, I’ll just add that I’m totally into that big fat sentence. Booyah!

  45. Jessica (aka @kikarose)

    I’ve never been so glad to have a passion for oatmeal cookies and tiny nipples. But, you know, good luck filling that position and all…

  46. Stacey

    I never get felt up while baking cookies. What am I doing wrong?

  47. Fancy

    You had me at the angry sex, but sealed the deal with the “no benefits”. Where do I sign up?

  48. kimberlee

    wow, it will be hard but guess I’ll have to pass… (and it would have been hard as well … le sigh)

  49. Paige Jennifer

    Dammit – you had me until you ixnayed Oatmeal Cookies. Listen, I don’t like them with raisins but with chocolate chips…mmmm.

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