the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Ten Things Not to Say to Your Child-Free Blogging Friends

1.    Sure it is sad that your mother was just run over by a 25 ton truck, but always remember that there will never be anything as tragic in this world as a mother losing her baby.

2.    You’re so lucky that you don’t have to monetize your blog because you don’t have any family responsibilities.

3.    Believe me, those free, all-expense paid trips to Disney World are more work than fun.

4.    Of course you’re not selfish.  You have a cat.  At least you care about something other than yourself.

5.    I just don’t think your comment is appropriate on this post because there is no way you can ever have any insights into the mind of a child without any experience with children.

6.    I write my blog for my kids.  Who’s going to read your blog after you die?

7.    Don’t you think starting a twitter list of non-parents is being exclusionary?

8.    I would feel like a huge failure without my children.  I am in awe of your strength under these overwhelming odds against you ever finding any sort of happiness.

9.    Just so you know, drinking acai juice is known to increase your sperm count.

10.   This is not really your community of peers.   It’s like me trying to be a Jewish blogger.

47 Comments

  1. Bon

    oh sure. take all the joy from my life.

    what am i SUPPOSED to say to you now, then?!? hello!!?!?

  2. Kim

    I don’t even have a cat anymore! I’m screwed.

    • Neil

      Never owned a dog or a cat…. ever.

  3. Hilarity in Shoes

    It’s just like me being a dating blogger who has sworn off men! I better go ahead and get pregnant so I’ll have something to write about…but lack of a man does complicate that…though not nearly as much as it used to.

    • Neil

      I say — make up the kid! You’re a writer.

  4. William

    If those were said, how many were from dads and how many were from moms?

    What happens when a woman drinks acai juice?

    • Neil

      Woman who drinks acai juice. She becomes WILD! Try giving your wife some in her evening Earl Grey tea.

  5. Chrisy

    Yes, but because you’re child-free you don’t have to worry about your kids reading your blog. I impose a constipating parental filter on my posts. My quirk, I know others don’t struggle with that feeling. No more acai juice for my husband.

    • Neil

      Why is everyone so worried about their kids reading their blog? They will learn about the real you.

  6. Vee

    Oh, #5! I love #5. Someone actually said something like that to me once. My response? “Well, of course I understand children. Aren’t you always telling me to grow up? It’s parental thinking I just don’t get.”

  7. Chrisy

    They know the real me, but sometimes I let it rip with friends or other adults (undocumented for the annals of the internet) and the content isn’t age-appropriate for my kids. I flex creative adult muscles in my fiction — my kids can read that material when they’re old enough. It’s like the rating system for movies. You get it, don’t you?

  8. Juli

    But how is your love life? Tick tock, old boy.

    • Neil

      Started with acai juice regimen.

  9. Michele

    There’s the real you and the REAL you that your kids don’t need to know about ever or until they’re 60 years of age. Honestly you don’t need to read graphic details of your mom blowing your dad. (god I wish I was making this shit up.) I don’t want to imagine my parents having sex and they’ve been married 43 years, why in the hell would I want to read about it?!

    Some people never learn the difference between the inside your head voice and the one you say out loud or rather, type.

  10. magpie

    I’m on your Shiksa list, right?

  11. Jane Gassner

    See, it was “child-free” that marked you. Really you meant “pathetically without the glorious wonder of parenting.” “Singularly unable to appreciate the ambidetrousosity (!) of changing a poop-filled diaper while stirring up a pot ‘o’ beans for the family.” “Crippled because childless…” Bah humbug, etc.

  12. Tarable

    11. Do you want to babysit?

  13. the muskrat

    Thank you. This is very helpful.

  14. Stay At Home Babe

    hi.lar.ious 🙂

  15. Kim

    Love this. You can quote from it on our child free bloggers panel at BlogHer next year. : )

  16. kateanon

    I could add, but I won’t. Love the list.

  17. Amie aka MammaLoves

    Wait! #9 is totally appropriate. Otherwise you might try blueberry juice and that just won’t work at all.

  18. beta dad

    I’ll keep this in mind when I go to the big auntblogger conference next spring.

  19. christine

    who got an all expense paid trip to disney!?!? damn, i missed that boat.

  20. christine

    PS I’m sure you saw this yesterday? http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/10-things-not-to-say-to-your-childfree-friends-2595394

    liked your listed better! 😉

    • Neil

      Ha yes, blatantly stole the idea from them.

  21. Wendi

    I would think your blog would be more successful considering you have so much time to devote to it.

  22. Brilliant Sulk

    My kids will never read my blog because I’m not going to teach them how to read.

    • Neil

      Who needs to read anymore anyway? Make just text language. LOL

  23. Ally Bean

    Love the list– #5 in particular. I don’t know why it is that child-full ppl always think that they know better than us child-free ppl. Honestly, can’t we all just get along?

    • Neil

      Can’t we all get along? Probably not.

  24. christine

    good–it needed stealing. 😉

  25. Jack

    I keep screwing up that Jewish blogger thing. Is this where I ask which network you run.

    • Neil

      Oh, one day we need to have a talk about the JEWISH blogosphere.

  26. Megan

    These people are why I don’t tell anyone that I have a child. Of course that could be why I’m never invited to Disney World.

    • Neil

      Eh, It’s a Small World gets annoying after awhile anyway.

  27. denise

    I’d rather give up the internet than only read blogs of parents. PERIOD.

  28. V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios

    My kids will read your blog after you die. There, now you have one less thing to worry about.

  29. Stacey

    I have three cats. I’m a giver. (Or a cat lady.)

    This list was great.

  30. emily

    i actually got #7 a few times…

  31. anna ~ random handprints

    this is hilarious, which is surprising since you don’t have any funny kid stories to pull from!

  32. Amiee

    Comments following the list are just as entertaining. Love it

  33. Missing Matilda

    I love #4 the best. I am 44. I am single. I am childless. All things in my life apparently has happened for a reason. It’s not like I did not want children when I was younger. I did. But now at 44, it just hasn’t happened. And I’m okay with that. I also do not own a cat. Or a dog. Or a monkey. Or a bird. Fish. Snake. Or any kind of pet. By choice. My choice. And life goes on.

  34. snozma

    DAMMNIT I’m trying to come up with one and I can’t!!!

    How about ‘well, it’s good you don’t have to worry about the future because you’re not leaving anyone behind.”

    Is it bad to put this here since I really have a kid already? This list is just so hilarious. It reminds of that ‘First World Problems’ meme.

    Oh, and it’s not a Jewish Blogger Community. It’s a Jewish Blogger Cabal. Get it straight lady/man/whatever.

  35. Maybe Lady Liz

    I hope NO ONE is reading my blog after I die. I don’t trust my heirs (the cats) to spend the Google Adsense account money wisely.

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