Are Mojitos Gay?

I am writing a screenplay with another writer back in Los Angeles.  We get along well, but waste a lot of time getting into ridiculous arguments on the phone about the direction of the scenes.  The problem is that we have different word views about men, women, and relationships.  I am married.  He is not.  I have interests that could be considered “metrosexual” — like enjoying Broadway musicals.  He is more of a guy’s guy who watches sports every night.  I find many of his ideas sexist and filled with stereotypes.  What bothers me the most, is that I have a nagging feeling that his views better match that of the average American movie-goer, who is usually an idiot.

We are working on a comic scene where our two lead characters go to a bar, try to talk to two hot babes, and then get rejected for some funny reason.  He calls me with an idea:

“The two guys are talking to the hot girls, both with great tits, and everything is going well, and then the bartender brings the guys over their drinks — and it is two mojitos — and the girls look at them funny, as if they are gay, and then split.”

“What?  I don’t understand.” I ask.  “The girls with the tits LEAVE because the guys ordered mojitos?”

“Yeah, they think the drink is gay.”

“That is ridiculous.  I like mojitos.  I thought they were supposed to be trendy.  And no girl is going to leave because a guy ordered a mojito.”

“You haven’t been to the bar where I go.”

“That’s because you go to some stupid redneck bar.  Which is a little weird, considering that you are Japanese.  But our characters live in Hollywood.  They’re cool guys, like the guys in Swingers.  They would have no problem ordering mojitos in a hip bar.  And no girl would have a problem with a mojito, or think they are gay.  I’m not putting that into any script with my name on it.”

“Ok, so let’s make it like they order two of those fruity drinks with the umbrellas?”

“Like Mai Tais?”

“Exactly.”

“I like Mai Tais, too.”

“They’re pretty gay.”

“What is the matter with you?    Are you saying that if I go into a bar and order a Mai Tai, everyone around me will think I am as gay as Clay Aiken.”

“Yes.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“What do you know?  You never go to bars.”

“Well, make believe it was a Tiki bar, like Trader Vics.”

“Our scene is not in a Tiki Bar.”

“Still bullshit.  And I don’t appreciate these lame gay stereotypes.”

“Why, are you gay?”

“No, I’m not gay.”

“So, what do you care?”

“Because it is stupid.  You know, the next time I am in a bar, I’m going to order a Mai Tai just to f*ck with your mind.”

“Not with me there.”

“Are you homophobic or something?”

“No, but if I am in a bar wanting to get laid, I’m not going to give off the message “I am gay” to the girls by ordering a mai-tai.”

“So, what are you saying — that if you order a scotch, you’re sending the message, “I have a big dick.”

“Even gay guys will say a mai-tai is gay.   Ask one.”

“You want me to ask some gay guy if he thinks a mai tai is gay?  That’s insulting.   There is no such thing as a “gay” drink.  There are gays who like lemonade and gays who like Diet Coke.”

“Ask around.  Ask all the women on your blog.  I guarantee that they’re all going to say that if they went out on a date with a guy and he ordered a fruity drink with an umbrella — that something is different about this guy.”

“What if I was Hawaiian, a manly Hawaiian, but this drink reminded me of home.”

“Even Hawaiian guys don’t drink those fruity drinks with umbrellas.”

“What if I just came back from Hawaii, where I f*cked seven different girls, and I am drinking this Mai-Tai because it reminds me of how manly I was while I was there, and how I f*cked a different girl every night, and I tell this story to one of the girls, and she gets totally turned on by me drinking a fruity drink with an umbrella, because she knows it means I am a total stud.”

“Sorry.  She will still think it is gay.”

“What if after I finish the drink, I take the umbrella and stick it in my arm without showing any pain, to reveal how manly I am.”

“OK, you got me there.  Then she would f*ck you.”

“Great.  Let’s write that scene.”

Three Years Ago on Citizen of the Month:   The Funeral

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83 Responses to Are Mojitos Gay?

  1. chantel says:

    Mojito’s are gay. Only men in stable relationships should order mojito’s. Even men who order Mojito’s or Mai Tai’s look gay even if they look like Jimmy Buffet. But margarita’s and males are a whole other story.

  2. headbang8 says:

    Feisty Charlie is right.

    Gay guys drink Bud Light because they’re all weak and sensitive and can’t take a real man’s drink with hard liquor in it.

    Just remember, if a man can’t hold his liquor, it’s a sure sign he won’t lick the….oh, never mind.

  3. churlita says:

    I’d be a lot more willing to date a guy who ordered a Mojito than one who told me he just went to Hawaii and f*$#ed 7 women.

  4. Danny says:

    Is it wrong that I’m now craving a Mojito? And that it’s only 9:30 am?

    (Did I just come out on your blog?)

  5. Caron says:

    The women are confused. Knowing that a mojito is a borderline gay drink, dependent on other extenuating issues, they take off for the bathroom together. There, they consult “The Flow Chart of Mixed Drinks Preference as Compared to Sexual Preference.” It’ll need a better title.

  6. Miguelina says:

    The fact that people think mojitos are “gay” or some sort of frou-frou drink is pretty damn hilarious. I’m gonna have to invite some internet people over for a cocktail party.

    You know what’s funny? That men think that women will sleep with them based on what they’re drinking. I agree with everyone – this should be the scene. Maybe the girls overhear them and walk away.

  7. Kellie says:

    I don’t think mojitos are gay. My hubs orders them right along w/ me at bars and he’s a manly man. If you want a gay drink go w/ the strawberry daquiri (or really anything blended for that matter). Unless you are on a vacation in Mexico there is no excuse for anything blended.

  8. PocketCT says:

    Mojitos mean the guy isn’t going to have nasty beer breath. But don’t bother ordering a mojito at a bar that won’t crush fresh mint for it. Why bother.

    Mint is usually and invasive plant that gardeners won’t plant because it spreads everywhere. My every present love of that drink however means that I have to plant a new patch every year. They are refreshing without the rum and killer with!

  9. Annie says:

    I am with you Neil, the whole thing is stupid and if I saw that scene in a movie I would likely call the movie stupid. Stick to your guns on this one.

  10. What a conversation! I’m with you, the whole idea doesn’t make any sense.

  11. mckay says:

    your scene needs to be about the two guys arguing about what to order when they are out at the bar.

    mck.

  12. Avitable says:

    Appletinis are most famous from Scrubs.

  13. Nedra says:

    I’m a little late coming back to see your reply to my comment, but can’t believe that when you were a little kid and went to a bar mitzvah or wedding you didn’t get a Shirley Temple (it’s 7-up or ginger ale with maraschino cherry juice). My kids live for Shirley Temples. My mother-in-law’s drink of choice when younger was apparently a “pink squirrel.” No idea what that was, but the thought of ordering that from a bartender cracks me up!

  14. Mai Tais? SO not gay.

    Jack Lord used to drink them all the time on the set of “Hawaii 5-O”.

    Quite the ladies’ man, and could also rock the lei, if you get what I’m saying…

  15. Linsey says:

    Janie loves, loves, loves Shirley Temples while I prefer a Roy Rogers.

    Also, the Appletini is totally out.

  16. brettdl says:

    Would it be funnier if the men ordered really manly drinks — whatever the heck that means — and THAT scares off the women?

    I’ll have a double scotch everclear on the rocks in a cement tumbler with spikes sticking out of it. Oh, and light that baby.

  17. Randy says:

    I believe the adding dialogue between you and your friend after the maitai scene would be a hilarious way to court bizarre stereotypes people live with. Then the characters can run into one of the girls later in the story to discover the REAL truth. Good luck!

  18. Gramps says:

    Maybe mai tai the drink isn’t gay, but mai tai the word is totally gay.

  19. Di says:

    Some of my best friends have been delicious gay men however … in my worldview, you can drink whatever you like without any judgement from me, although I can’t promise any of the written rewards ;) being married and all that.

    I love mojitos and they’re not gay in Europe … how bizarre is your screen writing buddy, just btw. Nice compromise. There … I think that’s all on this stream of conscious comment.

  20. G. Savant says:

    It’s a sad state that when a man begins to develop good taste he is labeled ‘gay’.

    Besides, everyone knows that the gayest drink a man can order is a “rough-butt-sex on the beach”. That’s where the bartender stirs a regular “sex on the beach” with his penis, then, when he gives it (the drink, not the penis) to the customer, the bartender blows him… a kiss.

  21. No wonder it’s taking you so long to finish your screenplay, sweetie. You have to learn not to sweat the small stuff. The set designers will pick the drink when the time comes. All you need to decide is whether it’s funny that the girls blow the guys off because of their choice of drink. (It is.)

  22. Christine says:

    Okay, if I was at a bar with a friend and we spied a couple of guys that both ordered some trendy drink, we’d roll our eyes and silently telegraph to each other stupid trend-following f*cks.

    And scout around for guys who aren’t trying to impress others that they are aware of THE new drink.

  23. Mai Tais and Mojitos are not gay. I don’t even thing cocktails, despite the name, are capable of having sex. Not even straight sex…but I could be wrong.

  24. dea says:

    Tell your writing partner that in a bar I wouldn’t think twice about a guy drinking a mojito or a mai tai and wouldn’t reject him for it. On the other hand, I’d absolutely walk out on a guy who told me he thought another guy was “too gay” because of what he was drinking.

    I knew two uber-testoterone-fueld men who had a bet going once, and the stakes were whomever lost the bet had to loudly order a shirley temple at a bar. I saw the order happen. So apparently that is considered a humiliating drink to order by manly men. It’s also not really a “drink” because there is no alcohol in it.

    I agree that the dialogue as is would make great movie dialogue, if they were just contemplating making a move before the girls even see them.

    Also potentially funny would be the men trying to be macho enough to attract women down the bar and ordering a big manly scotch or something hoping the women will notice and having the butch lesbian bartender loudly shout to the bartender down the way “two scotches for the overcompensating closet gays.”

    Or getting rejected by two gay guys when they weren’t even hitting on them.

  25. dea says:

    that is, being rejected by gay guys as being “too gay.”

  26. Whit says:

    I see my Hemingway point has been made. If Hemingway drank it then it is only slightly less manly than pure testosterone.

    Mojitos are for men that appreciate leisure.

  27. Whit says:

    Oh, and if you want a gay drink, you’ve got to go with a white wine spritzer.

  28. kris says:

    Wait . . . are you sure you aren’t married to this guy?

  29. RJLigier says:

    Hemingway was gay with children. Like Brian says, “I do not think mojitos are gay. MO-JI-TO.”

  30. Julia says:

    Mojitos are snobbish and pretentious. Maybe even gay! ;)

  31. Old man says:

    I “innocently” ordered a Mojito for lunch on my birthday. You do realize that a Mojito it nothing more than a white rum version of a mint julep, with lime?? Does that make you gay? If this gets out, a lot of Kentucky land owners who own prized horses are going to shoot themselves.

  32. Will says:

    Mojitos are not a gay drink – just don’t get one with an umbrella. Its a summer drink for those in temperate climes and a year ’rounder for those who live, like me, in the tropics. Try walking into a bar in Cuba and telling everyone that a Mojito is a gay drink….

    On a side note, I prefer mine with a dark rum, lime, mint, soda water and almost no sugar syrup, drier the better.

  33. bgood429 says:

    That conversation I just read was hilarious. You should remake the scene about the two guys fighting over whether or not their drink order is gay. That’s funnier.

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