the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Will a Tattoo Add to My Worth in Bed?

I saw this intriguing “quiz” titled “What are You Worth in Bed?”

What is your worth?

Normally I ignore these nonsensical quizzes, but who isn’t curious about how much one can get for his sexual services?  During the Eliot Spitzer scandal, there was much talk about the fees paid to his high-priced hooker.   Naturally, many in the blogosphere starting thinking about their own careers.   Would it be more lucrative being a hooker than, for instance,  running an Esty shop selling knitted socks?  Now is your chance to find out.  The quiz has separate questions for both men and women.   Most of the questions in the gigolo-meter are pretty standard for the men — age, height, penis size, but then there are  tricky questions like, “How kinky are you?”  or “What do you like to do after sex — party, spoon, or go to sleep?”

Bad news.  I’m only worth a lousy $918 in bed.  How humiliating.  I’m pretty sure my downfall is this — I’m not dangerous enough.  Women want a sense of danger in their male hooker.  My kinky rating wasn’t very high, and I had to answer “no,” when I was asked if I had any tattoos.  I was actually surprised that there was a question about tattoos.  Would I be worth more in bed if I had a well-placed tattoo?  Do women want a man with a tattoo?

Desperate to up my bed-ability scores, I’ve been thinking about my lack of tattoos all day.

By Jewish law, I’m not supposed to get a tattoo, but many Jews have them anyway.  My main reason for avoiding tattoos all my life is fear.  I used to faint when I received allergy shots.  Uh-oh, by revealing that, I think by worth as a male prostitute just dropped another five bucks.

I actually do find tattoos on a woman as sexy.

Right, men?

But are tattoos as interesting as they used to be?  Tattoos are so common in Los Angeles, that they hardly seem special anymore.  I’m more unique by NOT having a tattoo.

Years ago, tattoos were mostly for sailors and bikers, done by Thai “masseuses”  in seedy port cities too ugly even for the prostitutes.  Tattoos then became hip, and like Wall Street traders moving into the old drug warehouses of the Lower East Side, every upper-middle class white person wanted to be seen as faux- dangerous, at least on weekends.   So, the tattoo became a commodity.

I like tattoos that are visual and colorful.  I hate when the simplicity of body art become pretentious.  Wherever I go to a coffeehouse in Los Angeles, I always bump into someone with a tattoo that requires me to take out my reading glasses.  When did tattoos become so literary?

Is it the influence of celebrities?  (via US Magazine)

Here’s Meagan Fox, star of Transformers, that thought-provoking piece of bot cinema, with a quote from Shakespeare’s King Lear on her left shoulder, “We all laugh at gilded butterflies.”   This is clearly an actress who want to prove that she isn’t just pretty, but a wordsmith — akin to Pamela Anderson putting on a pair of fake librarian glasses to prove that she has an IQ as large as her fake boobs.

Angelina Jolie commemorates the birth of her children with, of course, Roman numerals on her arm.  Do I really have to remember what the roman symbols M and L stand for just to read the dates?!  Why not make it easy for us?

Lindsay Lohan writes “La Bella Vita” on her ass.  For some reason, I don’t believe this is true.

Victroria Posh Beckham, a Kabbalah fanatic, has a Hebrew psalm on her back, translated as “I am my love’s and my love is mine,” which just happens to be the exact same phrase Sophia and I used on the front of our wedding invitations years ago.  Maybe Sophia and I wouldn’t have as many problems today in our marriage if we had just tattooed our wedding vows on our backs instead.

I’ve thought about getting a tattoo for a long.  I’d like for women to see me as a little more dangerous, because I know that while most women want to marry the “nice guy,” they want to f**k the “bad boy” on the kitchen counter.  It’s time to become the bad boy.

This “What Am I Worth in Bed?” quiz has hit me where it hurts — my ego.   I should at least be worth $1000 as a male hooker.  The solution — only a tattoo can help monetize my sex life.

Today, that all changed.  I went down to Venice Beach and got a tattoo of one of my blog posts written directly on my back.

Surprisingly, when I retook the quiz, my worth dropped to $850.


  1. psychomom


    Come on, be a man and get the latest in body mutilation like my stupid son and his friends.

    yourself then guage
    out your ears.

  2. MammaLoves

    I’m just going to go ahead and say yes before I read this post. 😉

  3. Nat

    Now assuming you are going to be having girls in your bed. And that most of the time they won’t be wearing strap ons.. perhaps you might want to consider getting the tattoo where they can read it. Just saying.

    I only rated $1086.. sigh. I think it’s the age thing with me.

  4. 180/360

    HA HA! What we don’t get to see the full tattoo?


  5. melanie

    933 an hour. not much more. Do you think they have training for uping our sexual worth?


  6. Loralee



  7. Kathy

    Not much better at $995 an hour.

  8. Neil

    Loralee, have I told you how much I love your blog and your writing…

  9. Annie

    I am worth $1,071.00, just slightly more than you :-).

  10. Dana Whitaker

    I’ve considered a tattoo, but The Husband is quite opposed to them. If he leaves me, though, I’m getting inked. Something small and carefully thought out, not the cliched butterfly tramp stamp.

  11. Neil

    Jeez, so far, compared to everyone else, I’m like the 99 cent store version of a hooker.

  12. MammaLoves

    OMG! I think I’m laughing harder at this post than I have any others of yours–ever!!

    I’m seriously crying over here.

  13. MammaLoves

    $995. I’m so disappointed.

  14. Neil

    Mammaloves — I see you’re not laughing anymore, with both of us relegated to the “discount hooker” section of the store.

  15. bookfraud

    $1227! which is more money than i would ever spend on tatoos.

    tatoos — feh. not a turn on. i would send the poor lass away.

    but i love yours. it suits you.

  16. Neil

    $1227 — holy crap. That’s over 300 dollars more than me! why are you banging your head against the wall with that writing career? Even if you sell a book, you make nothing. Remember, my mother works in publishing. I know what writers make.

    You should be a male hooker! I think you have what it takes, much more than I do.

  17. PocketCT

    Gosh, it told me I am worth less than the average person taking the quiz of $228.29 an hour. Do you think it is because of my little cute spider tattoo?

    I am going to tend my bruised ego now.

  18. the slackmistress

    People always ask me about my tattoos. Which is odd, considering I don’t have any. I just “seem the type.” Erm, okay…

  19. teahouseblossom that you?

    What a hot backside! Rawr.

    I’ve always thought that lower back tattoos on young women are foolish and show lack of foresight. When you’re 18 it’s hot and scintillating, but when you’re 70 and it’s still there over your saggy butt, it won’t be so hot..

  20. SwanShadow

    I’m worth $887 per hour in bed…

    …and I am smarter than a fifth-grader.

    Oh, and I don’t find tattoos on a woman the least bit sexy. If anything, they’re a deal-breaker.

  21. AnnieH

    This is not a lie…I had a patient once with the tatoos–“Sweet” and “Sour” on his nipples, and “Joystick” on his, well,on his joystick. This should theoretically put his price/hr well up into the bazillions, but I cannot imagine who would pay it. Oh, Lordie. I think I have given myself a headache.

  22. Neil

    Tea — Oops, not me! Just my body double.

  23. Kyra

    Well now, you saw the pictures of my brand new tattoo from a few weeks ago. It took all these years to finally figure out where and what (since I designed it myself.) But it had to mean everything I wanted it to, without regret before I did it, and I did it for me even with people telling me it “ruined me” and made me ugly.

    I like it. 😉

    Now, a guy with a tattoo? Depends on where it is and what it is. Bugs Bunny on his butt does nothing for me… but a tribal across his bicept/chest/etc Well… *pant*

  24. Kyra

    Oh, and I’m only worth $1182 per hour.

  25. Neil

    Kyra — I hope you don’t mind me showing others your tattoo —

  26. Judy

    I thought with the Five Husbands thing I would rate higher, alas, only $1178 per hour.

    Love this post – funny and thoughtful.

  27. claire

    There’s no way the lower date you have circled on Angelina’s arm is for one of her kids.

    MCMXL is 1940. (M=1000, L=50)

  28. claire

    Oh, and I’m worth $MX/hr.

  29. femme_despoir

    hmmm… I’m pleasantly surprised… $1,209.

    Hi, Neil… I’m still around.

  30. Jane

    $964. And I’m kinky. It MUST be the lack of tattoos.

  31. Not Fainthearted

    $1163/hour. But I think it has more to do with the cup size because I have no tats. That and maybe that I said I’d rather stay in on Friday night?

    I love how we all rushed over there to take the test… hilarious!

  32. Penelope

    $1071 an hour, not bad for my age I’m guessing. (Loving that the age range went up to 30+ and stopped argh!)
    I’m not a huge fan of tatoos really, I can’t see how that would improve your hourly rate. Try piercing, that can really hit the spot ;o)

  33. adena

    Hmm…I’m worth 1102 an hour in bed! I’ll have to remember that when I’m short on cash. (Which is like everyday.)

    As far as tattoos…I have colorful artsy ones, but I also have writing. Below my neck…Tibetan Sanskrit, which, translated says “write.” I think that simple one means more to me than all my other ones.

  34. Miss Britt

    Damn it Neil. I took your fucking quiz. It said, “Bitch, please. You’re saving money by keeping the lights turned off – what more do you want from me?”


  35. Jody

    Neil, you can’t afford me – I am worth $1,148 an hour. It must be because of the shellfish and oysters!

  36. Karl

    $903/hr. Harumph.

  37. Neil

    I think my mistake was choosing dinner and movie rather than staying home for sex. That is a real no-no for a male gigolo.

  38. Annie

    Yeah Neil, that was my answer on that question too, I am sure that is why I only rate $1071 an hour, that and my age :-).

  39. kapgar

    Well, that first picture is Pixie Acia and she’s just plain sexy no matter how you look at her.

    Totally go for the tattoo!

  40. Jack

    I am anti-tattoo for me for a variety of reasons. The primary one is that I can’t commit to saying that in 10 years I’ll still think it is cool.

  41. Stacey

    I’m worth $1132 an hour. I should make THAT my first tattoo.

  42. HRH @ June Cleaver Nirvana

    If you figure in a good tip (you get a tip don’t you?) you will exceed your $1000 goal…so really you just need to work a little harder to get a good tip. I am stopping now before the jokes just make themselves.

  43. Bec

    $1117. Now, obviously, seriously considering a career in the Sex Care Provider industry.

    Tattoo’s. I didn’t think they were sexy until I found one on my ex. It was like an intimate secret between us… Just never on the face… never on the face…

  44. churlita

    Sure, I could have all those words tattooed on my back, but in a couple of years they’d slide down to my butt and legs and no one be able to read them very well.

  45. brettdl

    $1098. Any takers? We’re kind of tight this Century.

  46. wendy

    I think I knew where it was going when it asked my age and cup size…oh yeah that and petite….

    I was also honest and admitted I do THERE!

  47. Pants

    I’m worth $1132/hour…which is interesting because I am broke-ass poor right now. Hmmm…

  48. Pants

    Too bad my bed-worth doesn’t make me feel less pathetic. Meh.

  49. cruisin-mom

    $964…blech…i’m so depressed.

  50. better safe than sorry

    i got $1132, but i don’t have a tattoo, they don’t do anything for me, i’m more into eyes, smoldering, mmmmmmmmm, yummy.

  51. Miguelina

    $1,117. Do you think having a graduate degree decreases the worth? Hmmm.

  52. TorontoPearl

    $887 — that is so depressing, I don’t even want to get out of bed!

    (Neil, your blog post concepts just keep getting better. BTW, does that backside tattoo wrap around your tushie and come back up the front of your body?)

  53. Mr. Fabulous

    It appears I am only worth a paltry $780 in bed.

    And that will soon drop far lower, because I don’t know how I will be expected to perform now.

  54. Simply Jane

    $1,163. I consider that acceptable given my age and lack of varied experiences. Preparing a retroactive bill for hubby at this very moment.

  55. V-Grrrl

    I don’t have a tattoo and I’m quite familiar with non-cooking related uses of the kitchen counter…Somehow I manage to wear khakis AND be dangerous. Who knew?

  56. miriam

    Neil: Maybe if you offered complimentary coffee, champagne or chicken soup you would improve your take. It works for me.

  57. To Think Is To Create

    I’m $1163. It’s got to be because I picked “humor” and “dinner and a movie”. Are those boring? I don’t think so.

    Btw, this post is hysterical. Are you always this funny? Because I’ve been missing out.

  58. Erika

    $995, and I have tattoos, damn it.

  59. palinode

    $1,117 per hour. Of course, the question becomes one of proper marketing. I’m thinking of combining flyers with running at people on the street and waving my arms.

  60. Nina

    $1040 here. Probably because I am not kinky enough. Damn.

  61. gorillabuns

    $1071. I’m so boring.

  62. abigail road

    I agree tattoo’s are hot. I am a little bit afraid to take the quiz though…I don’t want to find out i’m only worth 10 dollars or some shit. 🙂

  63. Dave

    I have to get back here more often. That is frigging hilarious.

    You want scary? The family and I went to a big Midwest indoor water park. All those doughy white people were scary enough, but the body work made it truly an astounding site.

  64. wench

    Thank you – this has been the tonic for my hump day – I’ll have to find out what I’m worth until I get home since between the “websense” and the “firewall” I can’t get at the test.

  65. hello haha narf

    damn, only worth $1,148 in bed! that is so wrong, i am totally worth more than that.

    anyhow, when do we get to see your FRONT tattoo??

  66. sassy

    I guess I’m worth 1,025 USD… how much is that in euros?

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