I have never bought a woman a drink in a bar. I’m not much of a drinker, so that is hurdle #1. I also grew up believing in feminism. Why should I buy a woman a drink? Let her buy me a drink! This is from a man who once called for an end to the condescending concept called “Ladies’ Night.”
All my life, I’ve seen countless movies and TV shows where a guy buys a drink for an attractive woman. Sometimes, he’s sitting halfway across the bar. He’ll call the waitress over and say “Buy that lovely lady over there a glass of merlot (or a cranberry vodka or something exotic with an umbrella) … and say it is from me.” Once the attractive lady gets the drink, the guy raises his glass to her, and she raises her glass back, usually with an appreciative smile.
Now let’s say I’m in a fancy bar, maybe even in the lounge where they are having that LA Bloggers’ reading. I see a pretty woman, I buy her a drink, and we raise our glasses in an “air-toast.” What is the next move? Is the raising of her glass a universal gesture meaning “You’re one lucky fellow.” Or is it, “Thanks for the drink, sucker. You just wish you could see me naked.” Do some women accept the drink, then quickly disappear forever, laughing at you during the cab ride home?
Imagine I make it to step #2. I go over to the woman who I bought the drink for, and we start chatting. I quickly learn that she is dull or “a theater actress” or a follower of “The Secret.” Is it impolite to ask her for a refund for the drink? Or is buying the drink for a stranger in a bar a little bit like playing the slot machine in Vegas? You might win the jackpot, but changes are you’re going to lose your money and your dignity.
Male readers — Have you ever bought a drink for a woman you didn’t know in a bar? Did anything ever come of it?
Women readers — Do you always accept a drink from a man in a bar, even if he looks like a total loser?
Despite my reservations over the whole “buying a drink for a woman in a bar” activity, it is an accomplishment every man should have under his belt, along with smoking a Cuban cigar, driving a Lamborghini, having a foursome with at least one Asian woman, climbing Mount Everest, and shaking Roger Clemon’s hand. For that reason —
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You’re a woman sitting at the bar, alone, feeling a little drunk from the one beer you’re drinking. It was a tough day at work. Suddenly, the waitress comes over to you with a martini.
“It’s from HIM,” she says.
You look over at a nearby table and you see ME, smiling at you, toasting you with my bottle of Samuel Adams.
OK — What do I do next?
And how long do you wait for me to come over there? If it takes me longer than twenty minutes to approach you, do you just say “forget him” and end up doing the hunky bartender in the stock room instead?
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Comedy and Modern Science