the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Prolly Cause You’re Being Needy

needy2.jpg

I end my worst week of blogging with a warning: ignore me. When I’m sane, it’s OK for me to ask you to send me a photo of your bed. When I’m crazed and needy and sort of horny after weeks of tension over Sophia’s surgery, DO NOT send me a photo of your bed, no matter how much I beg you for it.

Here are a couple of things I did today that should put me on some sort of “Do Not Blog With Him” list:

I started out the day emailing Jason, who lives in Nova Scotia, and telling him that I’m wearing a t-shirt that reads “Nova Scotia,” which my mother bought me years ago when she visited… Nova Scotia. Like he gives a crap. (Bonkers!)

I emailed two “anonymous” bloggers to ask them to send me photos of themselves since I was curious to see what they looked like. (Nuts!)

I emailed Heather Anne and told her that I want to know more about her, so I’m going to read her old archives. (Stalker!)

I wrote a bizarre and convoluted email to Pam, telling her why I thought BlogHer excluding men was like putting a nativity scene on public property during Christmas, and making Jews feeling left out. (Insanity!)

I stared at Heather B’s photo for twenty minutes, thinking, “Jeez, I would like SO date her!” (Pervert!)

I briefly IM-ed with Ms. Sizzle and Sarcastic Fringehead, asking them if they were “mad at me” because I haven’t read their blogs lately. Surprisingly, neither of them really noticed! (Insecure!)

I showed up at Thursday’s Stitch and Bitch meeting at the Farmer’s Market, hoping to run into Ellen Bloom, but she wasn’t there. The other knitters looked at me like I was some sort of serial killer. (Arrest him!)

Run, don’t walk from this blog. Run!

(but come back next week, when hopefully things will be back to normal)

Neil’s Penis: “I very much doubt that!”

55 Comments

  1. V-Grrrl

    I am so relieved ABBA isn’t mentioned in this post.

    However, you’re definitely a weirdo, which is why you have so many friends.

  2. Eileen

    Take it easy Neilochka πŸ™‚

  3. Kyra

    It’s nice to have a freak-out now and then. It keeps people on their toes, and I find that’s a valuable service to them. πŸ˜‰

  4. alissa

    It’s all so much a part of your charm πŸ™‚

  5. MichelleVan

    Geez Neil, Now I’ve got more bloggers to go read. Sigh. Do you just spend all day and N i g h t …on the computer?

  6. Jenn

    Just the tags say it all! Hope you can can get over your evil ways and return to polite society again.

  7. sarah g

    a little insanity is good, it helps us feel a little more ‘normal’! hang in there! You’ll both continue to be in my prayers!

  8. Rhea

    I didn’t get an insane email from you. I feel left out. Oh, well. There’s always next week.

  9. pam

    Those nativity scenes drive me nuts, too.

  10. Tamar

    Throughout this week and previous ones, you have kept a smile on my face even while you brought tears to eyes, lumps to throat, jabs to guts. Thank you for blogging your truth (not unlike mine, hers, his, etc.). Gut shabbis: starting tonight, take the day off to leave the daily grind (no pun intended) and experience full rest in the cathedral of time.

  11. princess extraordinaire

    It’s okay, Neil, we all go a litte postal sometimes….

  12. Elisa Camahort

    But Neil, Neil, Neil: I know you know BlogHer has male members on the site and male attendees at our conferences. Why won’t you come join us in person?

    As for asking anonymous bloggers for their photos: I hope they merely saw it as some post-modern ironic performance art project, because that is really funny πŸ™‚

  13. Jazz

    I emailed two β€œanonymous” bloggers to ask them to send me photos of themselves since I was curious to see what they looked like. (Nuts!)

    Neil, that’s a mix of both stalker and perve.

    But that’s ok, I love your bizarreness, it makes me feel so much more normal.

  14. Finn

    You ARE needy sweetie. And it’s okay. We all are or we wouldn’t be blogging.

  15. sween

    Hey. Neil.

    I so DID give a crap.

    Hell. I gave two craps.

    You just keep on wearing your souvenir provincial t-shirts. I got your back.

  16. Dana

    Neil, even when you are a bonkers, nuts, insecure, stalking, insane pervert who needs to be arrested, we enjoy the “real” you and your posts. And I, for one, would much rather see more of that than more Abba.

  17. heather anne

    Heather B. has the best hair, and she’s, like, crazy smart. You have the best crushes.

  18. Bre

    We all go a little blog crazy sometimes!

  19. fringes

    Even though you weren’t showing up in my stats, I assumed you were still keeping up through Google Reader. Nice to find out you simply haven’t been reading. At. All.

    Heh. No worries. I read about 10 blogs a day and not all the same ones. My life keeps me away from the computer sometimes. So does yours.

  20. Neil

    Heather Anne — I noticed that you didn’t mention the email I sent you. I did send it to the right Heather Anne?

    Fringes — Oh, yeah, right. I was reading your posts on Google Reader. Of course. That goes for everyone. I have enjoyed everyones posts tremendously on Google Reader. Sometimes I enjoy it so much, I read the same post again on Bloglines. Of course, I don’t show up in your stats. But I wouldn’t miss a day of keeping up with the humor, pathos, and wisdom of your beautiful lives, especially the really hot female bloggers.

  21. Neil

    I LEAVE IT UP TO YOU.

    Please vote.

    1) Delete the entire last week of posts from existence and hopefully still having a chance of someday writing an op-ed piece for the New York Times

    OR

    2) Leave it up so Google will forever associate these posts with my name.

    Be honest and try to think which would be BEST for ME and my career. I know you care.

  22. wendy

    Define normal….

  23. Not Fainthearted

    Even if you delete it. Google and associated spiders will still have it archived somewhere.

    NY Times has to take you as you are. Warts and weirdness and all. And they’d be silly not to.

    And I’m with Rhea. I feel left out I didn’t get a weird email from you πŸ˜‰

  24. sizzle

    also, don’t forget how you asked me if the guy i am in love with has seen me naked.

    that was classic!

    i would never be mad at you sweet neil. besides, you hardly ever commented on my blog before life got so stressful…it isn’t that i didn’t miss you!

    and if things start to get “normal” around here, i’m sooo out of here. πŸ˜‰

  25. Danny

    You can’t delete your ABBA period no matter how hard you try. It’s part of your permanent record now.

  26. Churlita

    That’s funny. i just wrote that I was going to try to keep my neuroses to myself today. Yours looks so much better than mine.

  27. heather anne

    Yes, you sent it to the right Heather Anne. I just felt all self-conscious. It surprises me that people read my blog is all.

  28. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Leave it up. It’s not like Abba is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever written about. I mean, c’mon sweetie, if you deleted every humiliating blog entry you’d ever written, Citizen of the Month would cease to exist. xo

  29. Ellen Bloom

    Neil!!! I can’t believe you attended the SnB on the ONE NIGHT I didn’t go!!! It was my Mom’s 85th b-day and we had dinner in SM (see today’s post). I almost stopped by the SnB late (8pm), but decided to go home instead. Was Crazy Aunt Purl there at least? Was everyone nice to you. I need details!!!!

  30. Neil

    Heather Anne — Oh, then it was another Neil Kramer who sent you that.

    Ellen Bloom — Oh, the knitting girls were so hospitable, until they started stabbing me with their crochet needles.

    Heather — Now that was funny. You get to guest blog if I ever have a guest blog.

  31. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Sneaky, but it’s not gonna work. You know I won’t blog. Even for you, my friend.

    But I will take you and Sophia out to dinner soon. When she’s feeling up to it of course. Whaddya say?

  32. Leiselb

    You have such a lovely way of making me feel normal….and yet also feeling like: “hey man, I GET that…”

  33. Heather B.

    If it makes you feel any better, I got into a cab the other day and the cabbie in all seriousness asked me “So what do you besides look good?” I said, “Um, excuse me?” And so he enunciated with “What. Do. You. Do. Besides. Look. Good?”

    Oh and another man on the street at random looked at me and said “That’s a nice piece of chocolate right there. Real nice”

    Am officially dead now.

    What you said or thought really pales in comparison. But, uh, thanks!

  34. better safe than sorry

    that’s strange, i just checked my e-mail and noticed you didn’t e-mail me at all??? now you’ve got me feeling all insecure and needy.
    i vote leave it up!

  35. liz elayne

    when i read this post earlier this morning i had this thought: neil needs to go get a massage.
    okay, my first thought really was: neil needs to go to yoga. but, i know that probably won’t happen. so maybe neil should go and get a massage. and just let some hot woman take care of all his worries in a non-sexual way for an hour.

    if you were here in seattle though, i would take you to my teacher’s yoga class sunday. you. would. enjoy. it. i really think you would.

    but since you aren’t here, i hope you do go and take a nice walk on the beach and breathe in fresh air…yes. go do that.

    (thinking about you both)

  36. Nance

    “Prolly” makes me cringe. Promise me you’ll stop by the Dept. for some decent spelling. LOL. And if you really, really want to see what bloggers look like in real life, do you ever just ask?

  37. Two Roads

    Neil, you really have it easy. My BFNM is in a godforsaken country and experiencing the following: 1)can’t drive a car because the car has to be registered in the company’s name and the company has not paid overdue parking fines; 2) is only allowed cable connection to one TV; 3) can’t get landline phone service because the building has reached capacity allowed; 4) his cell phone only works within a short radius of where he purchased it from therefore he has to carry 2 other cell phones that will work internationally; 5) he has to travel 15 miles and to another country in order to have a glass of wine; 6) the highlight of his day is seeing how he can beat the system by obtaining an illegal card so that he can watch porno from at his apartment; and 7) there is no such thing as high speed internet service because the phone company doesn’t have the infrastructure nor the intelligence to setup and run it.

    Keep your pecker up! Appreciate all that you have – friends, family, health, love, happiness, food, clothing, shelter, and all us out here in blogland keeping you sane!

  38. gorillabuns

    leave it up. it’s nice to see the human aspect of men.

  39. Caryn

    Fuck the NYT. But I’m with Rhea, I’m feeling a bit left out, too.

  40. Pearl

    Everyone has those clingy, lonely off-kilter hours. Isn’t that why the internet was made? To contain and process it to some end?

  41. Lisa

    You’re a nut! But at least you’re honest about it. πŸ˜‰

  42. ndulj

    Poor Neil. Poor Neil’s Penis

  43. nelumbo

    i vote none of the above, and just come up with a pen name!

  44. Neil

    Caryn — Well I already know what you look like from Flickr, but RHEA — I don’t think I’ve ever seen a photo of YOU! Talk about a way to cheer me up!

  45. sandra

    I’m feeling left out; please do something weird to me too.

  46. deannie

    Embrace your neediness. Lots of men I know refuse to acknowledge it and they are the truly unbearable ones. I would venture to guess that your feelings are pretty much normal in view of the gravity of the things swirling around you & Sophhia right now. Swinging from one end of the emotional pendulum to the other is just part of the joy…

    Many Hugs,

  47. Shelli

    My mom has a boyfriend in Nova Scotia. Ew…

    You can ask me for a photo of myself, but I am insecure so I probably won’t send you one.

    You can stalk me by reading my archives.

    I can’t date you. I’m married. Sorry. πŸ™

    I would notice if you didn’t read my blog. I wouldn’t be mad, I would just think that you had a lot going on.

    I belong to BlogHer, but I don’t really know what that means. Maybe we should start a BlogUs so that it would include men and women.

    I’ll tell you where I hang out so that you can come there hoping to run into me. Unfortunately, you would have to come to Minnesota and I don’t think that is very close to where you are.

    I am not running away from this blog. However, when I am done commenting, I will close the blog, but I will be back as soon as you post again. πŸ™‚

  48. Marilyn

    I like that you are depressed sometimes… that did not come out right. I mean, I like that other bloggers get depressed and have a hard time too. I don’t feel obligated to be perky all the time. I would much prefer things for Sophia and you to get all better.

  49. Peter

    Whooo Nova Scotia!

    Hey, your penis can type?

  50. sween

    “My mom has a boyfriend in Nova Scotia. Ew…”

    Speaking for all males in Nova Scotia — where’s the love?

    We’re strong, vital men. Right, Peter?

    Peter?

    Anyone?

  51. erin

    First of all, I’m sorry I said you were needy. πŸ™‚ I was only giving you crap because it’s twitter, and that’s what we do on there. As for “prolly”, I only use that word when I feel like that voice I’m using to comment with is the 8 year old smart ass voice that lives deep inside me.
    I know you’re going through a hard time, and I’m not very good at comforting people, so instead I make fun of them. It’s my way… πŸ™‚ You never did bring me my coffee tho, and I had to suffer through a 14 hour day at work before leaving for the airport. I’m actually in Oregon right now, visiting the rents. I’ve been keeping an eye out for all blog worthy events, as well as any tree stumps shaped like penises, to cheer up Sophia.
    πŸ™‚

  52. Neil

    Erin, you were right. I was needy. Say hello to the lovely state of Oregon for me. We loved it!

    By the way, I did get those two photos of anonymous bloggers, and it was very exciting to see their faces.

    Anyone who ever wants to send me a photo of themselves, please do!

  53. Peter

    Sween is right. Strong, vital AND delightfully charming.

  54. Stacey

    I started putting photos of me on my blog. I guess now I won’t be the mysterious chick people have to beg for a picture.
    I’ll be the “You don’t look like a Stacey” chick.

  55. AscenderRisesAbove

    a very cute post – it made my heart smile

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