Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Traditionalists

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Erica from Sarcastic Fringehead and I have decided to communicate via email using a combination of the old and new — scanned in hand-written notes.   I took a handwriting analysis class in college and the way that Erica signs her name clearly tells me that she is a “freak” in bed.  Anyone else want to reveal their handwriting?

#2Better Safe Than Sorry

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For some reason, Better Safe Than Sorry copied Erica’s note, then added her own signature at the end, indicating that she is usually the submissive one in her BDSM relationship.  The “loops” of her “B”‘s and “T”‘s make me believe that she cheats on her taxes.

#3Roadchick

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Roadchick is almost too easy to analyze.  The way she underlines words for emphasis and her use of exclamation points mean she thinks a lot about one thing — threesomes!

#4Deezee

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Deezee of Confessional Highway has the handwriting of a Zen master, calm and poetic.  The even spacing and the dotted lines show a person who is both emotional, yet focused.    Even when she makes a spelling error, she is careful to point it out to the reader, showing strong ethics and concern for the community.   The flow of the “z” in Deezee indicates a passionate woman, but forget about ever making love to her on the kitchen table!  She is much too much of a neatnik.  Look at those anal-compuslve perfect margins!

#5Caveat Emptor

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Sound the bells, ladies!  I think we found the male lover exemplar in Scott of Caveat Emptor.  Look at the gentle rhythm of his cursives, and the way he manipulates the “L”s and “O”s with a flick of his pen.  Have you ever seen a more sexy LOL?   I am so jealous of his skill.  My handwriting just flies all over the place, frequently missing the mark.  His penmanship just oozes Latin lover, and just reading it reminds me of an old Pointer Sisters song:

I want a man with a slow hand
I want a lover with an easy touch
I want somebody who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush
I want somebody who will understand
When it comes to love, I want a slow hand

(Note:  Later on, Sophia called him a cheater.  She says it’s Edwardian Script ITC.  Typical man!)

#6Not Faint Hearted at This Journey (Becky)

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Becky’s handwriting flows unevenly, expressing some insecurity about herself.   The intensity of the dotted “i”‘s betrays a deep yearning for adventure and sexual freedom, as if she’s a caged tiger needing to be set loose in the jungle.   Ironically, the words “high school” appear like one world, indicating a highly sentimental view of the past.  Clearly, this is a woman who still remembers her “first time” like it was just yesterday.

#7Catharsis Queen

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Mo’s handwriting is controlled, but playful.  She likes to include little hearts and “love and kisses” symbols, giving her handwriting the style of a young schoolgirl.   But the strength of her exclamation points show that she is NO schoolgirl.  She is ALL WOMAN.  And when she writes “Love Always,” she means “Love Always,” even if that means some day finding a dead animal in your bed for not returning a phone call.

#8Leezer

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Leezer is a woman of few words.  The staccato nature of her consonants and her slanted vowels indicate a woman of action.  She doesn’t want talk.  She wants ACTION.  And she’ll give you ACTION — any place, any time, anywhere!

#9Ms. Sizzle

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The pleasant curve of the “h” in the word “handwriting” reveals a creative and talented woman who longs for romance, flowers, and long walks on the beach.   The precise loops in the word “swell” illustrates a great love for being spanked.

#10Paperback Writer

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Paperback Writer has what we call in the handwriting analysis business as “comma fever.”  Her sentences run on forever, connected with methodically-placed commas.  This is a woman that is like the Energizer bunny, filled with energy, but unfortunately, can never be satisfied by one man. 

#11Hilly of Snackiepoo

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Hilly’s note is unique in that the two sentences seem to have been written by two different people.  In the first sentence, the script has a great flow, fluency, and vibrancy, but in the second sentence, the lettering is condensed, and filled with intense exclamations.   This disparity can mean two things:  Hilly is either having PMS or she is a high-maintenance woman who demands a lot of role-playing in the bedroom.  God help her husband.

#12Gorillabuns

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Gorillabuns’ handwriting is very clear and concise, almost architectural in formation.  The large spaces between each word reveals a hunger for physical and mental space, almost as if she has young children constantly running around the house needing her attention.  The unique ampersand in her note is very telling, indicating a nostalgia for the days before motherhood when there was lovemaking in the house 5-6 times a week, which has now been reduced to a once a month quickie in the closet while the kids are watching Saturday morning cartoons.

#13 — Ash of Stitched in Holland

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Expansiveness is the keynote of Ash’s handwriting, and is also the cornerstone for her social relationships.   She thrives in company and hates being left alone.   Her loops are gentle, almost like the flow of water down a river.   Water is important to Ash, and the weak “y”s indicate a woman who is difficult to really know, much as the oceans are dark and mysterious.   However, many of her “relationship problems” with her husband can easily be solved with the purchase of a large “water bed,” where Ash can truly be in her element. 

#14 — Pearl of Pearlies of Wisdom

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Pearl’s handwriting shows a playfulness that is very attractive to the eye   The delicate strokes and the even spacing reveals a woman who likes to laugh, takes life lightly, and likes playing practical jokes on people.   The elegant signature is different from the rest of handwriting, and shows a strong need for “alone time.”  Pearl’s fantasy life is very important to her, particularly the fantasy where her new rabbi turns out to be none other than Fabio.

#15 — Lefty of Long Relief

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Lefty’s handwriting is difficult to decipher, and I might need more training for this one.   The chaotic space indicates that he is an impulsive man who lives for the moment.   Perhaps the most intriguing element of his writing is the secondary comments that he adds to his loops, such as “revenge,” “die die die,” and “torture small animals.”  While I’m not sure exactly what the subtext of all this means, it shows that Lefty has many interests and hobbies, and is probably a good friend.

#16Charming but Single

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Charming’s rapid-fire loops and blunt “t”‘s reveal that, at the time of writing, she was suffering from mild stress. This may be temporary, for example, if she was upset, tired, or working against a deadline.   Another possiblilty is extreme arousal, as exemplified by the sensual, curved question mark.   Handwriting professionals call this type of arousal “subject transference.”  This occurs when a writer becomes very sexually stimulated by writing about a certain subject or person.  The result is an intensity of the handwriting that isn’t normally there.   Although I am not at liberty to reveal who this note is addressed to, it is apparent that just thinking about this person is bringing this female writer “over the edge.”

#17 — Danny from Jew Eat Yet

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Danny’s use of green ink is very interesting, showing ambition and an insatiable need for money and power.  The exaggerated spacing between the words is common to many type A-personalities writers who don’t care how many bodies they have to walk over or how many associates they have to stab in the back to get one of their pieces accepted in the New York Times.  Danny’s signature contains a tiny bit of Asian typography, signifying Danny’s well-known attraction to the model-thin Thai waitresses at Chan Dara Restaurant in Hollywood.

#18 — Claire from Taller Than Average Tales

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In her note, Claire is kind enough to “link” to an exhibit of illustrated letters from the Smithsonian (currently at the Norman Rockwell Museum), but Claire’s handwriting is a fascinating specimen itself.  The erratic nature of the slants shows her to be overly-concerned with concealment.  She is attempting to cover up, and keep aspects of his personality or private life hidden from view or cloaked in mystery.   Ironically, the overly-dramatic loops of the “y”‘s reveal a secret attraction to exhibitionism and nude sunbathing. 

(check out some of the cool illustrated letters from the Smithsonian.  Thanks, Claire!)

52 Comments

  1. You must have gotten an A in that class, sweet thing.

  2. i’m left handed, i doubt if you’ll be able to read mine. i’ll send you something if i can figure out how to scan it into the computer.

  3. Wow, I didn’t know that Fringes name is Erica. What I learn on your bloggie!

    I’m a lefty too, but I have okay handwriting. Although if I sent you a page from my reporter’s notebook, it’d be practically indecipherable.

  4. I love that you’ve decided I’m a Zen master. Thank you. But trust me, Neil, the kitchen table ain’t out of bounds…I have references to prove it…

  5. Wow, you are a real Californian afterall. If I scan my hand can you read my palm?

  6. I’m left handed. You can scan my card (if you get rid of my name!)

  7. Hey – how come I didn’t know about this?

  8. Great, my scanner chooses today to break…But great idea, Neil! Is it pathetic to feel exhausted after handwriting a few lines? I just handwrote a note to a client and my wrist is sore…

    (You know what, on second thought, don’t answer that)

  9. Gah, I will send you a note this weekend. I got rid of my scanner with the intention of getting a new one but have been too sick to get out…but I wanna play!

  10. This was a spontaneous one that came out of Erica sending me that note. But surely you knew I was wild and spontaneous, as indicated by my handwriting. (stop laughing, Sophia)

  11. Het Neil…I’m down in Texas for a clinic…So haw d’ya’ll figure out how to scan and post???Way beyond me…Thanks for the crush status! I’m blushing. I would be beaming, but it was a LOOOOONNGG flight…My seat mate downed 3 Jim Beams and coke…and then thought he had become irresistable to women…followed me all the way to baggage check…yikes! Hey, guess what…It’s snowing here! OH MY GOD…does it not stop….as for my handwriting…intense, troubled and filled with tons of spelling errors!

  12. Am I an exception? I LOVE to, and almost exclusively write in long-hand — any article, poem, story, letter gets done on paper, gets revised on another paper, and only THEN gets typed. Of course,sometimes in the heat of the inspired moment, the half-writing/half-printing handwriting of mine becomes a barely legible scrawl…
    But my blog is a different story; I type it, don’t really edit it and hit publish…hoping for the best.
    I’ll see about scanning my writing and sending a sample your way.

  13. Deezee, you have some truly interesting handwriting, very cool. I don’t remember ever seeing that kind of letter formation before. I’ll have to look that up in my books. Sample coming from my way…

  14. Mo,

    Once upon a time I was a graphic artist. I did all kinds of odd lettering, which migrated into my daily writing creating all kinds of chaos. You are now witnessing the aftermath. (either that or my hidden mental illness festers below the surface…)

  15. LOLOL I am too ashamed to show you my writing! LOL!

  16. oh i’m emailing mine to you right now.

    look what you’ve started. 😉

  17. I still say that all of your handwriting is neater than Neil’s. I could barely read a word of his. I’m think Neil is secretly a Dr. Probably an OB/GYN.

    Wendy the last time I traveled alone (Dec) my last seat mate sat on the aisle seat. When I had to get up he pretended to be half asleep and I had to squeeze by him practically sitting on his lap as I slid over him. He buried his face in my cleavage and pretended he was just waking up. Perv! Then when the hubby and I got in the elevator at the airport to go to the parking garage who should jump in at the last minute but the perv. He had the nerve to tell the hubby I was an excellent seat mate. Wouldn’t have been so bad but he kept farting on the plane which is why I had to get up. ugh…

  18. Very cute! I actually have impossibly neat handwriting. I always got gold stars for it in junior high. I’d send you a sample, but I’m too tired and lazy right now.

    The art of the handwritten note is quickly fading. I don’t think anyone under age 16 can even write things by hand anymore..with all of this typing. And most of those kids have arthritis in their thumbs from text messaging.

  19. Neil:
    Handwriting is interesting, isn’t it? You pegged me pretty accurately, I’d say. Although I’ve been told I talk too much. I am playing the xylophone, making a macrame hanging plant holder, and studying macro-economics as I write this, by the way.

  20. Tomorrow, I am going to figure out how to use my scanner. I need to know what my handwriting says about me.

  21. you are a very astute man! i am indeed married to an architect as well as proclaim to have a very, very, useless art degree. and yes, while i am a lover of the very unique ampersand, i think i have found my new therapist. what’s next? palms? because if so, i’m so there.

  22. Neil, I think you should teach a class at The Learning Annex (no doubt there’s one in your neck of the woods).
    You could call it: “What Your Handwriting Reveals About You…and Your Sex Life.” I think for sure there would be a waiting list for such a class!

  23. that is kind of uncanny and totally weirding me out. have you been reading my diary!?

    😉 sizz (aka spanky)

  24. If only I’d had an Ivy League education, then I could leave an authoritative comment and tell stories of courtroom dramas based on my expert testimony. The pain of being dull and uneducated never ends.

  25. Damn! I’ve been struck down with the flu. I’d send you something handwritten, but I don’t want to pass my germs through the internets. Plus, you’d probably need a PhD to figure out all my neuroses through my note.

  26. let’s just keep that tax evasion thing between us, ok;)

  27. Neil, I sent you a note. I want to know what my writing says about my sex life.

  28. What a fantastically creative idea, Neil! Of course that comment is biased since, as an English teacher, there is nothing I love more than handwritten notes and letters! Call me old fashioned, I guess!

  29. Your skills never cease to amaze me… such a way with words and the ladies. If the writing thing doesn’t work out, consider therapy (as a career choice).

  30. Though I’m sorely tempted to send you a sample, I’m deathly afraid of revealing my atrocious spelling to the world! Handwritten notes are delicious, but the lack of a spell check feature is quite the downside!

  31. You always have the coolest ways to kill time/turn innocent pasttimes to porn. I’m sure all those analyzed will agree those were some astute observations.

  32. I tried to send you a letter but the mailman told me that he couldn’t find Neil’s ‘puter.

    Besides, if you saw my writing you’d wonder if you got some cheap version of a Jackson Pollock.

  33. Actually, my arm started to hurt after the first sentence so let’s blame it on that! I usually write like the first one…all big and flowy and spaced apart.

    Although, the bedroom thing is probably true too ;).

    Uhhhm, AND I’d like to blame said surgery MEDS for my inability to post this comment in the right place, FFS!

  34. Dangit Neil, why do I have to be the one blogger that gets pegged as Glenn Close (or is that the Godfather)?!

  35. What an amazing idea! You have so many fun (and funny) readers! But, I must say, I believe that the “handwriting analysis” might be a bit… um… off. 🙂

  36. hey – i found your notebook! oh, wait. that was an old one……
    xo

  37. Oh Neil, my husband couldn’t read my note, but you could. Do you know how that makes me feel?

    Your analysis worked – he wants to buy a water bed.

  38. Churlita — Feel better!

    Hilly — I feel honored that you used your hurting arm to write me a note.

    Mo — I like the way you are passionate for what you want. Even if it includes leaving a horse’s head in my bed.

    Ash — Don’t be so hard on your husband. My “reading” skills took years of training. This time it was free. Next time, it will cost. A lot.

    Leah — I am ALWAYS losing my notebooks.

  39. Gotcha, Scott! It’s not your handwriting, it’s Edwardian Script ITC. Pulling the wool over Neilochka’s eyes – for shame!

  40. You’re welcome, Neil. I think the exhibit is actually between venues at the moment though.

    Erratic is a good word to describe my handwriting. I’d like to blame it on the sinus headaches/fever of the past couple days, but I doubt it would change much if I were feeling great. Mostly, it feels strange to write these days when my typing is so much faster.

  41. And why didn’t you charge for all your time on these fine evaluations? You could have made yourself some $!

  42. I don’t know how to work my scanner, but if you send me your mailing address I will send you a handwritten note and I will seal it with a kiss…

  43. Neil, you’re not too shabby at this analysis stuff, you know.

    By the way, I’ll have you know that Rabbi Fabio is pretty fabulous in bed.

    How do I know that? Ya heard of those “Rabbi Small” books by Harry Kemelman? Well,”Friday the Rabbi Slept Late” is based on Fabio sleeping in late ’cause he had the best bedmate — me. And let me tell you, Kemelman was wrong to give him the moniker Rabbi SMALL!(anything but)

    (There! How’s THAT for playfulness??)

  44. I learned one thing: Everyone’s handwriting is apparently better than yours.

  45. Possibly the best post I’ve ever seen. Way to make your readers your collective bitch! Too bad I missed the boat.

  46. It is rather Edwardian, isn’t it?

    Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m shame challenged.

    Hello, Sophia.

  47. There’s always one bad apple, Scott.

  48. oh man, I wanna play!

  49. What a hilarious idea! I loved this. Especially Lefty’s.

  50. 180 — I bet you have a very sexy handwriting!

  51. Damn.
    Sorry I missed this boat.

  52. Hey, go for it, Blackbird. Maybe I’ll move this up to the current page for Valentine’s Day. I forgot how interesting this one was!

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