Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

My Last Post of 2006

newyear.jpg 

One of the coolest events in the Los Angeles area is the Tournament of Roses Parade.  I have always liked it better than the over-produced Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York, which is mostly about selling cheesy Broadway shows to tourists from the Midwest.  With my mother in town, Sophia decided that we should actually go to the Pasadena parade this year.  Since none of us are the “camping out on the sidewalk” types, we decided to get tickets by searching on Craig’s List, since most of the good tickets were already sold.  

After several days of looking, Sophia found someone named Mark in Northern California selling his tickets for face value.   Being a cautious type myself, I was reluctant to buy tickets from a stranger, but Sophia liked Mark on the phone, so to make me feel better, she googled his phone number, and proved to me that he was a legitimate guy.  So, off went our money via PayPal. 

After we received our tickets the next morning, Sophia emailed Mark to thank him.  She mentioned that she googled him.   He was gracious and told us to have a great time at the parade.  He also gave some advice — take something to sit on because the benches are uncomfortable.

“Maybe you can even take some padded toilet seats,” Mark joked, proving that just as you can google other people’s names, other people can google YOUR name!”

This will be my last post of 2006.  It was a very good blogging year.  A year ago this very week, I was a depressed and overdramatic blogger, mostly because of an experience I had writing for Blogebrity.    But 2006 was all about good times and friendship.  Bloggers sent me fall leaves when I missed New York.  Bloggers sent me photos of their beds when Sophia was in New York.  Bloggers voted for me in blog elections.  Bloggers sent me gifts.  Bloggers sang Holiday songs.  Thank you, funny bloggers.  Thank you, serious bloggers.  Thank you, poetry bloggers.  Thank you, mommy bloggers.

Neil’s Penis comes out, cheering along.

Neil’s Penis:  Here, here!  And don’t forget the knitting bloggers!  Thank you, too!

Neil:  Well, hello Penis.  You seem to be in a joyous mood.  Usually you’re berating me for our poorly attended sex life.

Neil’s Penis:  Well, a new year requires a new attitude.  And I want to start things fresh.  No more thinking of you as a dunce. 

Neil:  A dunce?!

Neil’s Penis:  Well, in the past, I may have said some unfortunate things about you.  It was mostly out of frustration.  I mean, here you are with women eating out of your hand and you’re not f***ing a single one of them!  What’s the point of doing all this?  But I understand you were brought up to be “respectful” of women and you’re not going to change without a lot of therapy.

Neil:  You should realize that most of the women who blog are very intelligent individuals who wish to express themselves through their writing.  Most of them have college degrees from fancy universities.

Neil’s Penis:   You are so naive.  Don’t you get it?  The fancier the college, the harder they f**k.

Neil:  Penis, please…   Shut your mouth!  This is my last post of  2006.  I don’t want to end things with obscene nonsense.  In fact, I get quite emotional at the end of the year.  I think about my successes and failures of the past year and ponder the future.  And I feel so close to so many of my blogging friends… 

Neil’s Penis:   Jesus, you are such a drama queen!   Success and failures.  Blogging friends.  You are SOOO gay.

Neil:   Penis, I actually have gay readers!  I sincerely apologize to all my gay readers for anything my Penis says.  I do not subscribe to any gender stereotypes.  I believe straights, gays, and transgenders, and all other possible combinations are all…

Neil’s Penis:   You know, if I had to guess which of your blogger friends has the best tits, I would guess Ms. Sizzle.  What do you think?

Neil:  I really don’t think about those things.

Neil’s Penis:   Yeah… RIGHT!  You know your problem is that you complicate things.  That’s your problem with your life.  My approach is simple.  I get up every morning at the crack of dawn, I take care of my business, and then I’m happy for the rest of the day.

Neil:  You know sometimes I wonder why I even let you talk on this blog.  You make this blog so “low-class,” as my mother might say.   Who’s ever going to hire me for a decent job with you hanging around? 

Neil’s Penis:   That’s good.  You won’t need to worry about me hanging around any longer.

Neil:  What do you mean, Penis?

Neil’s Penis:   It’s almost 2007.  And I’ve made my New Year’s resolutions.  One of them is to finally start my own blog.  Why should I always be the second banana — the Lewis to the Martin and Lewis? 

Neil:  Don’t make me laugh.  What kind of blog are YOU going to write?

Neil’s Penis:   A knitting blog.

Neil:  A knitting blog?  You, my Penis, are going to write a knitting blog?

Neil’s Penis:   Have you seen how many readers those knitting blogs get?   How many links?!  Your dumb “personal” blog is never going to get any advertisers.  But imagine the demographics of a blog catering to knitters, especially one written by a Penis!   No one has ever seen that before!  Ka-Ching!  And the best thing about knitters is: these women like to be hands-on — in more ways than one!

Neil:  You’re crazy.  No one is going to read your blog!  You don’t even know how to knit!

Neil’s Penis:   I’ll learn. 

Neil:  It’ll take you years.

Neil’s Penis:   So, what?  It took you 14 years to learn to find a woman’s clitoris, but you finally figured it out, I think.  We all can learn.  Besides, it just happens that when you were watching The Sound of Music last week on TV, I went to the Holiday Party of the Los Angeles chapter of the Stich N Bitch and made quite a few friends…

Neil:   Stich N Bitch?  You’re really serious about this.  I don’t know what to say.   I certainly didn’t want 2006 to end this way — with you and I splitting up.

Neil’s Penis:   (in a whisper)  Psst… don’t worry.  We’re not really going to split up.  This is a a dramatic device called a “cliffhanger,” sucking the reader in with an unresolved ending to make sure they come back on January 1, 2007.

Neil:  (whispered back) Oh, I see.  Thank God!  For a second, I thought you were really going to leave me writing this blog by myself.  I’m already all anxious about what is going to happen in 2007.  I’m damn lucky that I still have you as a loyal friend.  Do I?

Neil’s Penis starts putting on a sweater.

Neil:  Where the hell did you get that?

Neil’s Penis:   Oh, this thing?  It’s just something that a couple of knitting bloggers made for me at the Stitch N Bitch?

ww.jpg
Willie Warmer

Neil’s Penis’ phone rings.

Neil’s Penis:   Hello?  Oh, hi “Knitting Girrrl.”  Sure thing.  With you and and the Knitster?  I love samba music.  I’ll pick you guys up in fifteen minutes.

He hangs up the phone.

Neil’s Penis:   See ya, Neilochka.  Don’t wait up.

Before Neil’s Penis has a chance to leave, Sophia enters.  A curtain closes behind her, hiding Neil and his Penis.   

Sophia:  And so ends another season of “Citizen of the Month.”  What happens next?  Is this really the end of the relationship between Neil and his Penis?  Has his Penis grown so impatient with Neilochka’s lack of a sex life that he has simply moved on?  Is this really the end of the relationship between Neil and myself?  Will Neil ever go into therapy?  Will he find a decent job?  Will he start a new script?  Will he continue his “illegal squatting” at my place?  Will he move out soon or will I have to kick him out into the street?  These questions and MORE will be answered on Citizen of the Month, returning to the blogosphere on January 1, 2007. 

Happy New Year!  Much love from Neilochka and the gang.

64 Comments

  1. Um, Neil, your penis is lying. That’s not a willie warmer, it’s a dildo cosy. Very British.

    P.S. Manneken Pis could use a wee little sweater. ; ) Ahem.

  2. happy new year to you and your penis – i hope to see more of him in 2007 😉

  3. I had a hard time getting past the first few paragraphs ‘cos I cannot even begin to comprehend the concept of buying tickets to a parade! We have never heard of such things in the southeastern U.S. That has just totally blown my mind.

    In any case, Happy New Year, Neil, and see you in 2007!

  4. Happy New Year Neil! To you ANDyour penis! lol..

  5. Happy New Year to you and your penis and the lovely Sophia.

  6. I, for one, will be watching! Happy New Year, Knitting Penis, Neilochka, and Sophia. You all surely give me *such* a different perspective to the soul-searching reflective mood I usually get into around this time of the year.

    I wonder, hm … could it be …

    … is this …

    … penis envy I’m feeling?

  7. Wow, then I guess this will be my last comment to you for 2006 then.

  8. You know, the penis is right: knitting blogs DO get tons of readers. What gives? Do we have to become knitters to get any respect, or to meet lots of nice women?

  9. If my vagina talked to me like that and then started her own blog: she’d never get to be my blog crush…

    Cheers! to Neil and Neil’s Penis and Sophia 2007.

  10. Happy New Year, Neil.

  11. I have to say I have a soft spot for your penis. The first post I ever read on your blog was written by him and he got me hook, line and sinker.

  12. Your readers have a soft spot for your penis…bwahahaha. How did you get so lucky?

    Looking forward to 2007 with you and the gang Neil.

    Hugs,

  13. What a cliff hanger. Have fun at the parade and I’ll be tuning in next year.

  14. Love that the dildo cozy was done in camouflage but it is crocheted not knitted, duh.
    Happy New Year Neil, Sophia and Mr. Penis, I be back next year to see what you are up to.

  15. Ooooo – the suspense will kill me! I can’t wait to find out what 2007 has in store for you, your penis and Sophia.

    Happy New Year to you and yours!

  16. Will he stand up??
    very funny!! i’ll be back for more on ’07.
    and i hope that sweater isn’t wool.

  17. You are both weird and hilarious.

  18. Does the Willie Warmer come in extra large? I wanna re-gift one of those Christmas salamis.

  19. no knitting. please. i like you just the way you are. 🙂

    may the new year bring you all the love (and to penis- all the attention) you deserve!

    xo
    sizz

  20. Ooh a well woven post, complete with a cliffhanger. Nice!

    Happy New Year!:)

  21. Happy New Year Neil. When my penis starts thinking on his own and trying to do his own thing a quick visit to Rosie Palm always settles him down. Plus there is no requirement to cuddle afterwards.

  22. Best end-of-the-year blog post ever. The drama! The suspense! The insanity!
    Have fun at the parade and Happy New Year to you (and your little friend), Sophia, and your mom!

  23. oh and by the way, thanks for the shout out. should i send those boob shots directly to your email or… ?

    😉 sizz

  24. OOOOH, the Rose Parade! You are in my old stomping grounds!!!Although..I have never bought tickets…ahem..loser…just kidding…I was allowed into the closed off streets cause I went to an all girl school of Orange Grove and Bellefontaine. Be prepared for traffic…and mayhem…Seeing the floats parked afterwards on Sierra Madre is always very interesting. Have fun!..Things you don’t know about me…I was one of only 2 girls that didn’t try out for Rose Queen fom my high school…and I partied with the Rose Queen of 198_ New Years Eve..She looked just like an angel…She WAS NOT an angel…by any stretch…

  25. Well, finally someone has stood up (ahem) and given knitters the props they deserve. Oh crap I just said “props” in a sentence. Hello, 1989 called they want their lingo back. ANYWAY, your penis is funny. Knitting circles throughout the southern california area are all on the lookout for Neil’s Penis. Be careful, though… we are armed at all times with knitting needles. And scissors.

    Happy 2007! To you and your wife and mom and penis.

  26. Happy New Year Neil, and Neil’s Penis. I can’t wait to read what the Penis’s New Year’s resolutions might be…

  27. Sooooo, that willie warmer looks pretty big. Does it belong to YOUR penis?

    Happy New Year to you, Sophia, your mother, your penis and your blodge! I can’t wait to read it in 2007.

  28. Say what you want about the crudeness of your penis but Sizzle’s tits are certainly blogworthy.

    Happy New Year, Neil. Thanks for all the laughs. Looking forward to more in 2007.

  29. Happy New Year! Look forward to learning the answers in the New Year…btw nice sweater! 😉

  30. Yes, see you next year! And please don’t find a decent job, it will ruin this blog.

  31. Happy New Year! And if your penis starts his own blog, I will definitely read it.

  32. After this, I believe I know who my new blog crush of ’07 is…

    *sigh*

    You are a strange strange man.
    Apparently, I dig that.

  33. As a knitter and crocheter friend of CAP’s, I want to welcome your P. to our WeHo Stitch ‘n Bitch group. By the way, PsychoMom is correct, the Willy Warmer is crocheted….one hook for crochet, vs. two needles for knitting. Crocheting is faster and covers more ground, which is good if you’re making a Willy Warmer.
    Do drop by our next SnB meeting! We’ll make you feel very welcome and there are lots of single babes there, just itching to craft more than a Willy Warmer for you!!!!
    Happy New Year, Dollink.

  34. Happy New Year, my friend. My best to your unit!

  35. Gotta admire the tenacity of the learning spirit of Penis. Hopefully he can take a course to pick up the knitting faster. lol.

    Happy New Years to the triumvirate. May you all see the New Year in together, platonically if necessary.

  36. Neil, why is it that you always tease us with your penis-wear but we never actually get to see how it looks on??? Remember that pic of you naked in the bed and all we got to see was a partial of your back? Or the shaving pic where we didn’t even get a good front shot??? Well I suppose I just loved to be teased. Can’t wait for the new and exciting adventures of Neil in 2007. Have a safe and happy new year!

  37. Happy new year Neil, and friends…maybe I’ll actually meet you in 2007

  38. Dear Neilochka, Neil’s Penis, and Sophia,

    I don’t know about a “cliff”hanger, more like a “small ledge”hanger, but I blame it on the penis (they always exaggerate).

    Nonetheless, looking forward to continued adventures in 2007. Much peace, joy and New Year happiness to you all!

    Warmly,
    JanePoe

    p.s. I’m considering taking up knitting.

  39. Neil – Maybe I’ll see you in 2007. A blogger can dream! Happy New Year…

  40. Does your penis have Sprint? I get free Sprint to Sprint calls.

  41. Happy New Year, Neil! And hey, Neil’s Penis, guess what! I’m starting knitting classes TOO. I hope you will start your own knitting blog. I feel sure it will be unlike all other knitting blogs. Cheers!

  42. And Happy New Year to you!

  43. my, my … what a large sweater you have …

  44. happy new year to you, your penis and your lovely sophia!

  45. Happy New Year to you and your schlong. Your Penis might want to call his blog “Long John Schlong.” .. with pirate theme running through it. Just a thought.

  46. momentary academic

    December 30, 2006 at 2:14 pm

    Happy New Year!

  47. A Happy New Year to you and your Darling Schlong!!

  48. I love the willy warmer! Super. And very oddly I just received some xmas gifts from stich n bitch-and I am not a knitter. Just a gal who wants to be able to rip some seams and restitch them. Cheers to you both and your mum, have fun at the parade.

  49. great pattern for you! happy new year to you both!

  50. A very happy new year to you and those who are dear to you, Neil. Oh, and I am now thinking about taking up knitting, even though any craft of any kind scares the living s**t out of me!

  51. Non-Highlighted Heather

    December 31, 2006 at 12:59 pm

    There is little doubt that you can write, that you can entertain, that you can make us laugh. But underneath the one-liners, the double-entendres, the comedy is a good man. As you know, my attention span for blogs is short, you are one of the few who has remained in my steady roster. If you only made me chuckle, I would bore quickly. It is the humanitarian underneath the writer that I respect and come back for. May your 2007 be overflowing with joy, peace, hope, and prosperity not only financially but emotionally and personally as well. I am honored to know you.

    Oh, and all the best in 2007. ::Grin::

  52. Happy New Year to you and all your parts, Neil

  53. may you and your penis have a happy new year!!!

  54. And a Happy New Year, Neil, to you and the always lovely Sophia…it’s not very original, is it, as sentiments go, but I suppose you have to work with what you’ve got chronology wise

  55. Happy new year, Neil and Sophia. I look forward to reading whatever you have in store for us in 2007.

  56. hAPPY nEW year to you Neil! So glad to have discovered your blog in 2006-you are a true, weird, and very original and funny writer-have a wonderful 2007!

  57. Neil,
    You, Sophia, and Penis have been very welcome members (excuse the pun) of my 2006 club. Looking forward to 2007 through your eyes.
    Happy New Year.

  58. The Penis cliffhanger!

    I’ll definitely tune back in for more. We don’t get Penis cliffhangers in Seoul.

    Happy New Year!

  59. Wow, what a finale! Happy New Year, Neil (&co)!

  60. Humph. This New Yorker takes offense to your comment about the Thanksgiving Parade…
    Of course, nothing beats New Year’s in New York! 🙂 Happy New Year, Neil! Cheers to you and Sophia.

  61. Happy new year, Neil — to you, your penis and the lovely Sophia.

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