“If I Did It” by John WilkesÂ Booth (ReganBooks, 2007)Â
Let me first state that I did not assassinate President Lincoln, 16th President of the United States, on April 14, 1865.Â But let’s make believe, just for the hell of it, that I was responsible for his death, even though this is entirely hypothetical.Â How would I do it?Â Although I would never do such an act of violence, I might possibly use my role as actor to gain entrance to the Ford Theater while the President is attending a play.Â Not a bad idea, huh?Â Â I guess, if I really think about it, I could conceivably enter Ford’s lobby at about 10:07 P.M., walk up the stairs to the dress circle, and open the white door to Lincoln’s State Box…
Although I know nothing about guns,Â I might consider using .44 caliber Deringer that is 6 inches long, with a 2 1/2 inch barrel.Â Although I’m an actor, not a killer, I probably wouldn’t know where to shoot the President, but I guess, just from acting experience, I would go for his head near the left ear.Â Â I’m a little bit of a ham, so I might even yell out something pretentious, like “Sic semper tyrannis!” (Latin for “Thus always to tyrants”).Â OK, I know that it is overacting, but audiences love those melodramatic moments!
But then again, I don’t really know anything about how Lincoln was assassinated.Â The purpose of this exciting new book I’m writing is to approach the event as how “I” would have done it, which of course, I know absolutely nothing about AT ALL.
Buy this book!Â And watch for my interview on FOX.
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:Â On the Radio
i don’t know anything about american history, you could sell me anything, i’d buy it!
good luck with the interview and book.
Brilliant, Neil! Absolutely brilliant.
Excellent entry, Neil. Fox has sunken to an absolute new low with this sleazefest. I rarely get so worked up about celebrity trash, but this OJ book makes me want to vomit.
OJ deserves to spend time in all the circles of hell for his latest transgression.
Mr. Booth’s book however, sounds riveting.
You never cease to amaze me.
Have I told you that I love you?
I’m not really all that big on hypothetical celebrity tell-alls, but this one sounds like it’s got a lot of potential.
oj’s an asshat. and now he’s going to prove he’s a guilty asshat. Which also makes him a STUPID, guilty asshat.
ah hahaha…neil, you funny. though i have to admit, i am troubled by this whole OJ thing. it’s really disgusting. makes me kind of mad.
The problem is OJ alledgedly is guilty but the DA sucked at presenting a case that the jurors could bring back a guilty verdict beyond a reasonable doubt. So now we get to hear the horor all over again from OJ and there is not a thing anyone can do about it. What is sad about all this? His children have to endure this atrocity for the rest of their lives.
Fabulous take on this, Neil. You might also enjoy Todd’s (Of Death Wore a Feathered Mullet fame) post over at http://www.vivalasvegass.blogspot.com. Had me ROLLING.
Haha! Too perfect.
Thanks for the great post! You said it all without having to say it. FOX, Judith Regan, and OJ are a trifecta of poo…
I know a publisher will make money off this book, but the ethics – or lack thereof – blows my mind. On the other hand, his own book may be the final nail in his coffin. I wonder what his defenders think now??
Glad you’re poking a finger in the ribs of our societal absurdity, Neil.
Your comedic timing is DEAD ON. (erm, no pun intended)
Again bringing humor to the absurd.
Can you give me lessons?
Absolutely hilarious. I’m furious that I didn’t think of this first.
Neil,you get ’em. Any way to get this expanded, published and into the book stores? I’d soo love to see your book right next to OJ’s…well, a woman can dream can’t she? 😀
Hah. Pretty funny. And I bet Booth was at least smart enough not to drop a glove.
A “Perfect Post” Neil! As for OJ and his ridiculous book and interview…it makes me sick to my stomache. I pray everyone shuns and ignores it.
That was good, Neil.
*deezee, I’m not so sure the publisher will make money out of it. After all, if enough people will be disgusted, who’ll buy this crap?
Great read, Neil, as always.
I sent this to the King of all Bloggers – Instapundit. Should your site meter go balastic it would be because he chose to link to you. If he does, you can either curse me or praise me – depending on the results.
I hope the publisher takes a hit, but I wonder if voyeuristic tendencies will sell the book. I hope not, and I hope the publisher encounters a backlash for its choice here.
Have I told you lately that you are a genius?
The woman who gave the green light to publish the Simpson book released a press statement on why she did it. AP has the story here.
I worked at an LA newspaper during the time the trial was going on. We had the TVs going all day, so I watched… uh, basically all of the trial. At work.
Now I look back and I think that if ONLY the American public had CSI and CSI: Miami and CSI: NY back then! There was no CSI, and people weren’t familiar with DNA material and forensics and stuff. I heard from the court photog that the jurors slept through all the DNA evidence. Literally snoozed.
This is a perfect example of how teevee makes the world better. The end!! (said with dramatic David Caruso sunglasses flair…)
Man, he’s ballsy. I guess he has nothing to lose and only money to gain. What he should write, is a book on how to work the system. At least we’d all gain some knowledge.
I’m distantly related to JWB. Bummer. Can I get some of the proceeds from the book?
Brilliantly understated commentary!
Beautiful man, beautiful.
Oh Lordy. WE ALL KNOW HE DID IT, why does he have to keep rubbing it in our faces that he got away with it!!!?
Ha! I love this. Once again you prove yourself to be a God among mere mortal bloggers.
His writing this book actually proves that in the end he lost. Rather than being executed or jailed for his crimes, he has to live with them every day and face a world in which everyone despises him because they know he’s guilty but got off easy. By writing this book, he’s most likely trying to relieve his guilty conscience. I doubt it’ll work.
I almost pissed my pants. 🙂
Hi Agree with Jader. I think the worst punishment imaginable for OJ is that he has to continue to be OJ.
I couldn’t keep from laughing even though the OJ thing creeps me out/makes me angry more than I can put into words.
Brilliant, just brilliant!
I have never wanted you more than I do right at this moment.
Take me, you wicked savage!
Just thought I’d say hi as I’m trying to visit and comment on as many of the NaBloPoMo blogs as I can. 🙂
If the hat wouldn’t have fitted, maybe they couldn’t have acquitted? (Ok, really bad taste (and factually inaccurate) I know ;))
I hope no one watches it or buys it! And he has a flop in his ‘try’ to regain the spotlight!
OJ Simpson is the biggest idiot I have ever seen. Very good entry Neil.
I want to laugh, but I’m too pissed to do that, angry at the circus of a trial that ended with OJ walking free and angry at the media for their role then and now in exploiting these murders and giving OJ a voice.
If everyone just ignored NO-J, then he’d go away (sort of like bad advertising)….
Oh ok..I guess he DIDN’T do it.
You know that book would require a followup movie don’t you? Casting call….
i just caught up reading my newspapers and realized what your blog was about, here i thought you were actually going to write a book.
Bravo! This is blogging at its best, baby.
Fox, the bottom feeder’s favorite channel. Is Regan books owned by some Fox entity?
Yes, Regan books is a subsidy of News Corp., Fox’s parent company… owned by Rupert Murdoch. Hi! I’m a nerd.
Will the proceeds from the book fund the search for the “real killer?”
Judith Reagan’s explanation of why she is doing this project is almost as scary as the book itself. I’ve never read such self-involved nonsense. There is no way to parody what she said because it is already ridiculous.
Outstanding! Next on Fox: Heinrich Himmler discusses how he would have killed the jews.
If he had been so inclined.
Which he wasn’t.
Neil, I am ON THE FLOOR. Well played. This is the funniest entry I have read in a really long time.
When I heard this about OJ I felt sick to my stomach. Its such a brutal reminder that there are indeed sociopaths among us and the fact that he doesn’t even care about the impact this would have on their own children, its really quite terrifying and terribly sad. I just can’t wrap my mind around it.
oy. just another thing to not buy and shake my head at all that is wrong with society. the sad thing is people will buy this book. wanna hear my degrees of separation from you and your post?
– i have a college drama dept buddy who played john wilkes booth on some tv show.
– my sister was the social director at nicole and the sicko’s laguna niguel tennis club. she knew them.
Nice ironic take on the hideousness behind the humour. I’m not a violent woman, but right now… OJ, Fox, Reganbooks… well, let’s just say it is a good thing this bleeding, heart liberal doesn’t own a concealed weapons permit.
Brilliant column — one of the best I’ve read anywhere in quite awhile. Inspired concept, topical, witty, and concise. Well done!
(Have you read Regan’s press release? Um. Yeah.)
too bad that none of us were on the criminal case jury, but don’t forget that the Goldmans and Browns have a big civil judgment and any income from the book and interview should go toward satisfying that.
It’s just a book. Good grief people. If I had $3.5 million bucks waved in front of my face maybe I’d shed my morals too.
Anyway, he does have legal protection. He could say in the book: “I did it! I did it! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” and we couldn’t do anything about it.
yea too the book and interview are cancelled. now we will never know what happened.
You have the self-esteem of a pole dancer.
So was this book canceled as well?
I’m related to John Wilkes Booth, if you’re related to him I would love to hear from you. my email is email@example.com