the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

“If I Did It” by John Wilkes Booth

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If I Did It” by John Wilkes Booth (ReganBooks, 2007) 

Let me first state that I did not assassinate President Lincoln, 16th President of the United States, on April 14, 1865.  But let’s make believe, just for the hell of it, that I was responsible for his death, even though this is entirely hypothetical.  How would I do it?  Although I would never do such an act of violence, I might possibly use my role as actor to gain entrance to the Ford Theater while the President is attending a play.  Not a bad idea, huh?   I guess, if I really think about it, I could conceivably enter Ford’s lobby at about 10:07 P.M., walk up the stairs to the dress circle, and open the white door to Lincoln’s State Box…

Although I know nothing about guns,  I might consider using .44 caliber Deringer that is 6 inches long, with a 2 1/2 inch barrel.  Although I’m an actor, not a killer, I probably wouldn’t know where to shoot the President, but I guess, just from acting experience, I would go for his head near the left ear.   I’m a little bit of a ham, so I might even yell out something pretentious, like “Sic semper tyrannis!” (Latin for “Thus always to tyrants”).  OK, I know that it is overacting, but audiences love those melodramatic moments!

But then again, I don’t really know anything about how Lincoln was assassinated.  The purpose of this exciting new book I’m writing is to approach the event as how “I” would have done it, which of course, I know absolutely nothing about AT ALL.

Buy this book!  And watch for my interview on FOX.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the MonthOn the Radio

67 Comments

  1. better safe than sorry

    i don’t know anything about american history, you could sell me anything, i’d buy it!
    good luck with the interview and book.

  2. Rhea

    Brilliant, Neil! Absolutely brilliant.

  3. jenny

    Excellent entry, Neil. Fox has sunken to an absolute new low with this sleazefest. I rarely get so worked up about celebrity trash, but this OJ book makes me want to vomit.

  4. Monkey

    OJ deserves to spend time in all the circles of hell for his latest transgression.

    Mr. Booth’s book however, sounds riveting.

  5. MARGARET

    You never cease to amaze me.

  6. Megan

    Have I told you that I love you?

  7. jamelah

    I’m not really all that big on hypothetical celebrity tell-alls, but this one sounds like it’s got a lot of potential.

  8. s@bd

    grrr …

    oj’s an asshat. and now he’s going to prove he’s a guilty asshat. Which also makes him a STUPID, guilty asshat.

  9. amanda

    ah hahaha…neil, you funny. though i have to admit, i am troubled by this whole OJ thing. it’s really disgusting. makes me kind of mad.

  10. Two Roads

    The problem is OJ alledgedly is guilty but the DA sucked at presenting a case that the jurors could bring back a guilty verdict beyond a reasonable doubt. So now we get to hear the horor all over again from OJ and there is not a thing anyone can do about it. What is sad about all this? His children have to endure this atrocity for the rest of their lives.

  11. Trixie

    Fabulous take on this, Neil. You might also enjoy Todd’s (Of Death Wore a Feathered Mullet fame) post over at http://www.vivalasvegass.blogspot.com. Had me ROLLING.

  12. heather anne

    Haha! Too perfect.

  13. Alison

    You rock.

  14. "Said" Woman

    Thanks for the great post! You said it all without having to say it. FOX, Judith Regan, and OJ are a trifecta of poo…

  15. deezee

    I know a publisher will make money off this book, but the ethics – or lack thereof – blows my mind. On the other hand, his own book may be the final nail in his coffin. I wonder what his defenders think now??

    Glad you’re poking a finger in the ribs of our societal absurdity, Neil.

  16. lizardek

    Your comedic timing is DEAD ON. (erm, no pun intended)

  17. Michelle V -

    Again bringing humor to the absurd.

    Can you give me lessons?

  18. Pete

    Absolutely hilarious. I’m furious that I didn’t think of this first.

  19. Jocelyn

    Neil,you get ’em. Any way to get this expanded, published and into the book stores? I’d soo love to see your book right next to OJ’s…well, a woman can dream can’t she? 😀

  20. Dana

    Hah. Pretty funny. And I bet Booth was at least smart enough not to drop a glove.

  21. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T )

    A “Perfect Post” Neil! As for OJ and his ridiculous book and interview…it makes me sick to my stomache. I pray everyone shuns and ignores it.

    3T

  22. Tatyana

    That was good, Neil.

    *deezee, I’m not so sure the publisher will make money out of it. After all, if enough people will be disgusted, who’ll buy this crap?

  23. NSC

    Great read, Neil, as always.

    I sent this to the King of all Bloggers – Instapundit. Should your site meter go balastic it would be because he chose to link to you. If he does, you can either curse me or praise me – depending on the results.

  24. Roonie

    InDEED!

  25. deezee

    I hope the publisher takes a hit, but I wonder if voyeuristic tendencies will sell the book. I hope not, and I hope the publisher encounters a backlash for its choice here.

  26. Mist 1

    Have I told you lately that you are a genius?

  27. laurie

    The woman who gave the green light to publish the Simpson book released a press statement on why she did it. AP has the story here.

    I worked at an LA newspaper during the time the trial was going on. We had the TVs going all day, so I watched… uh, basically all of the trial. At work.

    Now I look back and I think that if ONLY the American public had CSI and CSI: Miami and CSI: NY back then! There was no CSI, and people weren’t familiar with DNA material and forensics and stuff. I heard from the court photog that the jurors slept through all the DNA evidence. Literally snoozed.

    This is a perfect example of how teevee makes the world better. The end!! (said with dramatic David Caruso sunglasses flair…)

  28. Jenn

    Bravo!

  29. melanie

    interesting concept!

  30. Churlita

    Man, he’s ballsy. I guess he has nothing to lose and only money to gain. What he should write, is a book on how to work the system. At least we’d all gain some knowledge.

  31. M.A.

    I’m distantly related to JWB. Bummer. Can I get some of the proceeds from the book?

  32. plain jane

    Brilliantly understated commentary!

  33. Blitz Krieg

    Beautiful man, beautiful.

  34. steppingoverthejunk

    Oh Lordy. WE ALL KNOW HE DID IT, why does he have to keep rubbing it in our faces that he got away with it!!!?

  35. Eileen

    Ha! I love this. Once again you prove yourself to be a God among mere mortal bloggers.

  36. Jader

    His writing this book actually proves that in the end he lost. Rather than being executed or jailed for his crimes, he has to live with them every day and face a world in which everyone despises him because they know he’s guilty but got off easy. By writing this book, he’s most likely trying to relieve his guilty conscience. I doubt it’ll work.

  37. ajooja

    I almost pissed my pants. 🙂

  38. Viscountess of Funk

    Hi Agree with Jader. I think the worst punishment imaginable for OJ is that he has to continue to be OJ.

  39. out of the loop

    I couldn’t keep from laughing even though the OJ thing creeps me out/makes me angry more than I can put into words.

  40. Mr. Fabulous

    Brilliant, just brilliant!

    I have never wanted you more than I do right at this moment.

    Take me, you wicked savage!

  41. Sephiroth

    Just thought I’d say hi as I’m trying to visit and comment on as many of the NaBloPoMo blogs as I can. 🙂

    If the hat wouldn’t have fitted, maybe they couldn’t have acquitted? (Ok, really bad taste (and factually inaccurate) I know ;))

  42. sarah

    Perfect!

    I hope no one watches it or buys it! And he has a flop in his ‘try’ to regain the spotlight!

  43. RaqiCasi

    OJ Simpson is the biggest idiot I have ever seen. Very good entry Neil.

  44. V-Grrrl

    I want to laugh, but I’m too pissed to do that, angry at the circus of a trial that ended with OJ walking free and angry at the media for their role then and now in exploiting these murders and giving OJ a voice.

  45. ABV

    If everyone just ignored NO-J, then he’d go away (sort of like bad advertising)….

  46. Scarlet

    Oh ok..I guess he DIDN’T do it.

  47. 2nd Pearl Past the Post

    You know that book would require a followup movie don’t you? Casting call….

  48. better safe than sorry

    i just caught up reading my newspapers and realized what your blog was about, here i thought you were actually going to write a book.

  49. Elizabeth

    Bravo! This is blogging at its best, baby.

  50. SFGary

    Fox, the bottom feeder’s favorite channel. Is Regan books owned by some Fox entity?

  51. laurie

    Yes, Regan books is a subsidy of News Corp., Fox’s parent company… owned by Rupert Murdoch. Hi! I’m a nerd.

  52. Rabbit

    Will the proceeds from the book fund the search for the “real killer?”

  53. Neil

    Judith Reagan’s explanation of why she is doing this project is almost as scary as the book itself. I’ve never read such self-involved nonsense. There is no way to parody what she said because it is already ridiculous.

  54. Crankster

    Outstanding! Next on Fox: Heinrich Himmler discusses how he would have killed the jews.

    If he had been so inclined.

    Which he wasn’t.

    Honest injun.

  55. Jurgen Nation

    Neil, I am ON THE FLOOR. Well played. This is the funniest entry I have read in a really long time.

  56. Alexandra

    When I heard this about OJ I felt sick to my stomach. Its such a brutal reminder that there are indeed sociopaths among us and the fact that he doesn’t even care about the impact this would have on their own children, its really quite terrifying and terribly sad. I just can’t wrap my mind around it.

  57. mckay

    oy. just another thing to not buy and shake my head at all that is wrong with society. the sad thing is people will buy this book. wanna hear my degrees of separation from you and your post?

    – i have a college drama dept buddy who played john wilkes booth on some tv show.

    – my sister was the social director at nicole and the sicko’s laguna niguel tennis club. she knew them.

    weird.

  58. JanePoe (aka Deborah)

    Nice ironic take on the hideousness behind the humour. I’m not a violent woman, but right now… OJ, Fox, Reganbooks… well, let’s just say it is a good thing this bleeding, heart liberal doesn’t own a concealed weapons permit.

  59. footpad

    A-ma-Zing!

    *applause*

    — f

  60. Lou P.

    Brilliant column — one of the best I’ve read anywhere in quite awhile. Inspired concept, topical, witty, and concise. Well done!

  61. Marilyn

    Touche.

    (Have you read Regan’s press release? Um. Yeah.)

  62. mike b

    too bad that none of us were on the criminal case jury, but don’t forget that the Goldmans and Browns have a big civil judgment and any income from the book and interview should go toward satisfying that.

  63. Charles

    It’s just a book. Good grief people. If I had $3.5 million bucks waved in front of my face maybe I’d shed my morals too.

    Anyway, he does have legal protection. He could say in the book: “I did it! I did it! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” and we couldn’t do anything about it.

  64. Dan

    yea too the book and interview are cancelled. now we will never know what happened.

  65. Karla

    You have the self-esteem of a pole dancer.

  66. kapgar

    So was this book canceled as well?

  67. Emma

    I’m related to John Wilkes Booth, if you’re related to him I would love to hear from you. my email is darkrose1997@yahoo.com

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