“If I Did It” by John Wilkes Booth (ReganBooks, 2007)
Let me first state that I did not assassinate President Lincoln, 16th President of the United States, on April 14, 1865. But let’s make believe, just for the hell of it, that I was responsible for his death, even though this is entirely hypothetical. How would I do it? Although I would never do such an act of violence, I might possibly use my role as actor to gain entrance to the Ford Theater while the President is attending a play. Not a bad idea, huh? I guess, if I really think about it, I could conceivably enter Ford’s lobby at about 10:07 P.M., walk up the stairs to the dress circle, and open the white door to Lincoln’s State Box…
Although I know nothing about guns, I might consider using .44 caliber Deringer that is 6 inches long, with a 2 1/2 inch barrel. Although I’m an actor, not a killer, I probably wouldn’t know where to shoot the President, but I guess, just from acting experience, I would go for his head near the left ear. I’m a little bit of a ham, so I might even yell out something pretentious, like “Sic semper tyrannis!” (Latin for “Thus always to tyrants”). OK, I know that it is overacting, but audiences love those melodramatic moments!
But then again, I don’t really know anything about how Lincoln was assassinated. The purpose of this exciting new book I’m writing is to approach the event as how “I” would have done it, which of course, I know absolutely nothing about AT ALL.
Buy this book! And watch for my interview on FOX.
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: On the Radio
Yes, Regan books is a subsidy of News Corp., Fox’s parent company… owned by Rupert Murdoch. Hi! I’m a nerd.
Will the proceeds from the book fund the search for the “real killer?”
Judith Reagan’s explanation of why she is doing this project is almost as scary as the book itself. I’ve never read such self-involved nonsense. There is no way to parody what she said because it is already ridiculous.
Outstanding! Next on Fox: Heinrich Himmler discusses how he would have killed the jews.
If he had been so inclined.
Which he wasn’t.
Honest injun.
Neil, I am ON THE FLOOR. Well played. This is the funniest entry I have read in a really long time.
When I heard this about OJ I felt sick to my stomach. Its such a brutal reminder that there are indeed sociopaths among us and the fact that he doesn’t even care about the impact this would have on their own children, its really quite terrifying and terribly sad. I just can’t wrap my mind around it.
oy. just another thing to not buy and shake my head at all that is wrong with society. the sad thing is people will buy this book. wanna hear my degrees of separation from you and your post?
- i have a college drama dept buddy who played john wilkes booth on some tv show.
- my sister was the social director at nicole and the sicko’s laguna niguel tennis club. she knew them.
weird.
Nice ironic take on the hideousness behind the humour. I’m not a violent woman, but right now… OJ, Fox, Reganbooks… well, let’s just say it is a good thing this bleeding, heart liberal doesn’t own a concealed weapons permit.
A-ma-Zing!
*applause*
– f
Brilliant column — one of the best I’ve read anywhere in quite awhile. Inspired concept, topical, witty, and concise. Well done!
Touche.
(Have you read Regan’s press release? Um. Yeah.)
too bad that none of us were on the criminal case jury, but don’t forget that the Goldmans and Browns have a big civil judgment and any income from the book and interview should go toward satisfying that.
It’s just a book. Good grief people. If I had $3.5 million bucks waved in front of my face maybe I’d shed my morals too.
Anyway, he does have legal protection. He could say in the book: “I did it! I did it! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” and we couldn’t do anything about it.
yea too the book and interview are cancelled. now we will never know what happened.
You have the self-esteem of a pole dancer.
So was this book canceled as well?
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I’m related to John Wilkes Booth, if you’re related to him I would love to hear from you. my email is darkrose1997@yahoo.com