the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Play it Again, Samantha


As a pimply-faced teenager, I dreamt of being a rock star, because even the ugliest musician had a beautiful model at his side. It is almost a cliche to have the scrawny dog-faced male singer arm in arm with America’s newest Top Female Model. Here’s a little secret that most women don’t know — this phenomenon works for men also.

Last night, I went to a chamber concert with Sophia. The soloist was a a stunning young violinist. She was beautiful. She had perfect features and her hair was tied back in a bow like a French movie star. Her arms were as slender and tan as the violin she cradled in her arms. Her posture was like of a ballerina or a royal princess, even in her expensive high heeled shoes. The audience was swooning over her.

She was accompanied by a female pianist. The pianist was not pretty. She was dressed rather frumpish in a shapeless black dress.

But I have a particular fancy for female pianists. The piano is very sexy. I can’t really explain it other than go back to early childhood favorites — Elton John, Billy Joel, George Gershwin, and my all time favorite — Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown’s Christmas.

While everyone was mesmerized by the violinist, my eyes were glued on the pianist. Her fingers would slide over the keys and she hunched over, totally into the Mozart, not giving a care to how she looked to the audience. When she would get to a dramatic musical section, she would move up and down on the piano bench, up and down — sometimes violently, as if she was straddling the piano and giving herself an orgasm as her playing became more intense.

At the end of the concert, the audience gave a standing ovation for the violinist. My penis and I stood for the frumpy, average-looking pianist with the fast fingers. In a bar, I might totally ignore her, but at the concert, she was a Goddess.

MUSICAL NOTE: Christmas-Hanukkah is coming up. I had this idea while driving home last night, but I’m not sure if it would work — a Blogger’s Holiday Concert. I know some of you are actually talented musicians (Scarlet, Psychotoddler, Fictional Rockstar) or singers (Lizardek, others). What if you each made a recording of some holiday song and we’ll post it here next month like one of those Holiday Concerts they have around the country? Would anyone do this?

I promise: I WON’T SING!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Staying Jiggy With It


  1. paperback writer

    Thank for writing this post. This pianist misses her piano terribly. And even though Loki claims up and down that there is enough room in Douglas Manor for my piano, I don’t believe it.

    And yes, I would love to take part in the concert, but only if I have access to my piano – my guitar just won’t cut it and my singing voice is strictly for my own powers of seduction.

  2. Melissa

    If you aren’t singing then I won’t listen to any of it.

  3. M.A.

    Awww. Neil. I could do that. I don’t know what song to do though. Let me know what you think.

  4. Neil

    M.A. — If I know the words to every Christmas song, I’m sure you do too. If we do this, let’s make sure that everyone doesn’t do the same song. And I’m not a big fan of “Frosty the Snowman.”

  5. Churlita

    If you’re not into singing, would you promise to dance to the music the bloggers create? I would expect to see you in a tux, of course.

    And, this line?… “My penis and I stood for the frumpy, average-looking pianist with the fast fingers.” That line cracked me up.

  6. Joan

    First you want fall pictures, and now with the singing. Who’s blog is this anyway?

  7. Heather B.

    *raises hand meekly* I play the clarinet (bassoon, bass clarinet, piano. I was tres popular in HS). And if I find any of my music, I will gladly play.

  8. psychotoddler

    You are so right about musicians and hot women. That’s how I got my wife. A bass guitar is a total chick magnet.

    I’d be happy to contribute a holiday song.

  9. laurie

    I have zero musical talent, can’t sing to save my soul, and can barely operate a radio.

    But I do a mad C-Walk, f’reals.

  10. Mist 1

    I’ve always wanted to be a rockstar. Sadly, I have 0 talent. I am building the wardrobe first.

  11. Michael

    I’ve always dreamed of being a rock star too, or dating one. Is Lisa Loeb still single?

  12. fringes

    This call for blogging musicians blew me right back to elementary school when all the talent auditioned for shows and talent meant performance talent. Here I am 30 years later, still sad that I “have no talent” simply because I do not sing. Insecurity Friday came early this week, I see. Thanks.

  13. better safe than sorry

    this actually makes alot of sense to me. i think men and women would both find someone in that field interesting, it’s not something everyone can do, artists seem to be more in tune (no pun intended) with words, they’re poets with a melody.
    i can’t carry a tune but would look forward to a holiday concert!

  14. Neil

    Fringes — since when does “lack of talent” stop any of us from doing anything? If I can sing a holiday song, so could you.

    How about singing it with your kids?

    Laurie– Now that I looked up what a c-walk is, I would pay to see you do that.  How about a video of you doing that with a santa hat on?  That’s a talent!

  15. V-Grrrl

    So let’s see, the Pet Shop Boys, Vince Gill, and a chamber concert all in one week? Dude, my life is so boring. We’ve done Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, the Book Fair, and Drama Club this week. Sigh.

  16. Edgy Mama

    I’m not musical, but E-spouse would definitely contribute. Does spouse of blogger count?

  17. Felicity

    Uhm, does that make you the equivalent of say, Fabio? If you were on the arm of the frumpy pianist, that is.
    Also, the reason that songbirds are so popular is because we imagine they can bring all that musical passion to the bedroom. Which, unfortuantely, they usually don’t. Not cause I’ve had a lot of experience with that scenario or anything.

  18. laurie

    hee hee I wondered if you would *admit* to having to look it up 😉

  19. Nance

    Neil and V-Grrrl:
    Frikkin’ bunch of showoffs. I’ve gone to go get my hair cut this week. Oh, and today,the physical therapist. I MIGHT go to the store…but probably not. Dudes, your lives make me want to shoot myself.

  20. Leesa

    Vince Guaraldi is one of my fave’s too 🙂

  21. Ellen Bloom

    Hmm? A Chris-ma-kah concert? I just might be able to send in a video. I’m currently learning how to play “Jingle Bell Rock” on the ukulele!

  22. fringes

    Neil, thanks for making me feel better about myself. The kids and I are onboard. We may even write our own “we don’t celebrate, but everybody else does” song.

    Does anybody know what rhymes with Christmahanukwanzaakah?

  23. Danny

    The “Charlie Brown Christmas” soundtrack is the BEST, I’m transported back to the best parts of childhood every time I hear it.

    I’ll sing if you will…

  24. Alexandra

    Thats a great idea!!! I’ll be in LA for a week between Dec 25 and Jan 2. I won’t sing because my voice is too special and I reserve it recording my albums but I WILL attend happily if you pull this off and its while I am there.

  25. othurme

    Fringes – Kissed-a-prawn-harmonica

  26. lizardek

    I have a cassette tape of a duet I did with a friend years ago, but I have yet to figure out how to get it transferred to PC. Any tips?

  27. orieyenta

    I bet I could get Little Orieyenta to sing something for you. At the very least it would be worth a good laugh.

  28. pam

    Don’t MAKE me play my ukulele on the In-Ter-Net again, because I WILL do it.

  29. 2nd Pearl Past the Post

    Yah! Let’s hear it for the frumpy ones with exceptional talent and passion. I was just speaking about beauty today.

    clerk at Ikea was easily among the most beautiful people I have ever seen yet she probably looks like her parents, her family and grew up unaware of how she was outwardly exceptional.

  30. Neil

    uh, Alexandra — we live in a virtual world here. The concert will be online, not in my house. But if you want to come over for some eggnog and watch a videotape of a yule log, you are more than welcome. You can meet my mother, who will be in town.

    Edgy — no, E-spouse is not good enough. You have to be involved somehow. Maybe you can play the tambourine in the background.

    Ellen and Pam — What are the chances of two bloggers playing the ukelele? Do you know “Dueling Ukeleles?”

    Lizardek — it is very easy. You just need a cord you can get for a few dollars at Radio Shack (or whatever you have there).

    Danny — Maybe we can sing a Hanukkah duet. Are there any?

    Femme — You can sing also, right?

  31. s@bd

    that’s a called a ‘talent crush’ and it happens way more often than you’d imagine.

  32. Erleichda!

    Yeah, I’m a performance poet and bass player, and my best female friend is a singer/songwriter, and though neither of us is conventionally hot, we both discovered that when we’re on stage, we can “make it move” for just about every guy in the bar. Weird how that works out.

    And if I can find a holiday song that sounds good on the bass guitar, I’ll let you know. 😀

  33. Dave2

    Ever seen Tori Amos sliding around on a piano bench as she plays a song? It’s horribly frightening and totally hot at the same time.

  34. brooke

    Wow, you guys sure go out a lot!

  35. deezee

    I’ve been taking piano lessons for about a month now. I don’t think I’m quite ready for prime time. Can I pimp my exceptionally musical son instead? (did I really just type that? will the authorities come after me?)

  36. deezee

    and Neil, you do realize that with all these ideas you come up with you’d be an excellent camp counselor, don’t you?

  37. Neil

    Deezee, I was an excellent camp counselor.

  38. Jules

    I know a few Hanukkah duets you could sing with Danny, but you have to promise to dance too.

  39. melanie

    Neil! you listed my fav pianists of all time! Even Vince G!

    sighs. yea, i have a serious affection for people who play the piano. SERIOUS!

    great post.

  40. Rabbit

    Damn! I’ve never learned to play any instrument. Not even the recorder.

  41. nelumbo

    Count me in! I better get practicing….

  42. Scarlet

    Yeah….can I do some clarinet klezmer or something?;)

    I don’t sing.

  43. Derecho

    Vince Guaraldi is one of my fave’s too

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